06-03-2021, 06:00 AM
First day off of my second cycle
Day 1: Did one loop, generally relaxed day but found myself less impacted and put this down to the wierd effect/subsidence in results when I leave a review. I also self sabotaged a bit with food but then came back to myself and had a relatively productive day, though felt uneasy throughout about my pace of work.
Day2: Did a loop but forgot to turn it off and it played for one and a half loops. Rest of the day was more nervy. I was in a bad mood, angry at myself for the slow pace of work and the overwhelm. Was angry at members of my team for not taking responsibility and then wasted my evening when i'd planned to go to the gym/work. At night i had subtly abusive text from a relative who has been doing this for years and i've ignored it up to now or just passive aggressively responded; avoiding full out confrontation.
This time I called straight away and yelled down the phone, called him out on his passive aggressive bullshit and told him to stop being a coward and say what he has to say. He clammed up, hung up and blocked me because he couldn't handle it. I was even more angry but glad i put him in his place and he won't be doing that again soon. Now i know that he will have some way of getting revenge because he is used to dominating through passive aggression, back biting or waiting and being friendly until you slip up and i realise I had avoided full out conflict because of that. He also has a a habit of gaslighting which I also have been avoiding. Well I'm still afraid of the revenge to come, he's not so much a wolf in sheeps clothing, wolves are too majestic. More just a petty/nasty asshole in sheep's clothing who waits to hurt you if he feels his status has been challenged.
One thing was interesting about my work. For a long time i've wanted to do one simple thing which is work for a two to four hour stretch without interuption and be productive, i noted my fears arouund this and realised that failure and fear of self criticism is a big blocker. I worked on a plan to push these aside and get on with it but it didn't quite work. Instead i found ways of procrastinating which says to me fear is still coming in to play. And wierdly it's a fear that I will burn out, or be miserable/not get any happiness from the work. I will expend a lot of effot and just be dissappointed. I'll try this again today and report back.
Day 1: Did one loop, generally relaxed day but found myself less impacted and put this down to the wierd effect/subsidence in results when I leave a review. I also self sabotaged a bit with food but then came back to myself and had a relatively productive day, though felt uneasy throughout about my pace of work.
Day2: Did a loop but forgot to turn it off and it played for one and a half loops. Rest of the day was more nervy. I was in a bad mood, angry at myself for the slow pace of work and the overwhelm. Was angry at members of my team for not taking responsibility and then wasted my evening when i'd planned to go to the gym/work. At night i had subtly abusive text from a relative who has been doing this for years and i've ignored it up to now or just passive aggressively responded; avoiding full out confrontation.
This time I called straight away and yelled down the phone, called him out on his passive aggressive bullshit and told him to stop being a coward and say what he has to say. He clammed up, hung up and blocked me because he couldn't handle it. I was even more angry but glad i put him in his place and he won't be doing that again soon. Now i know that he will have some way of getting revenge because he is used to dominating through passive aggression, back biting or waiting and being friendly until you slip up and i realise I had avoided full out conflict because of that. He also has a a habit of gaslighting which I also have been avoiding. Well I'm still afraid of the revenge to come, he's not so much a wolf in sheeps clothing, wolves are too majestic. More just a petty/nasty asshole in sheep's clothing who waits to hurt you if he feels his status has been challenged.
One thing was interesting about my work. For a long time i've wanted to do one simple thing which is work for a two to four hour stretch without interuption and be productive, i noted my fears arouund this and realised that failure and fear of self criticism is a big blocker. I worked on a plan to push these aside and get on with it but it didn't quite work. Instead i found ways of procrastinating which says to me fear is still coming in to play. And wierdly it's a fear that I will burn out, or be miserable/not get any happiness from the work. I will expend a lot of effot and just be dissappointed. I'll try this again today and report back.
