After my third rest day here's what happened.
Day 1: I was consciously listing things i'm afraid of as i went through the day. I found myself being freer to think, and calmer but then had a huge panic attack. soon after I calmed down, took rational action and quite soberly realised that panic wasn't going to solve the problem I was facing, and that my best best was to remain calm
Day 2: I had the day off work, i resisted a temptation to log on, and made a conscious choice to take the day off. I haven't done this in about a year - i've always been doing something. I had a really fun and relaxing day. Nothing special, just buying groceries, having fun with my wife and making myself laugh with comedies - this souunds like nothing but i was seriously enjoying it, belly laughing much of the day. Probably haven't laughed like that (while sober) in years.
Days 3-5 (break days): I resisted the urge to do more loops. I felt so much better that i just wanted more of a good thing. I started realising that along with fears coming up, my logic and reasoning was kicking in. A couple of examples.
Taking my daughter to the park; I get self conscious normally, having a fear that some kid is going to pick on my kid and then their parent will get involved (this happens more than you might expect). It's not an easy situation to resolve, emotions run high, it can be at least very awkward and embarrassing, at most very aggressive and shaming. I had no such issue this time, in fact the situation did arise and I was able to handle it rationally, with a clear mind which was able to determine what teh appropriate boundaries were and logically be confident about the appropriate way to respond in such a situation.
Similarly, a tight work deadline, my logical brain kicks in and says 'if you want to get this done, or even stand a chance, then then stressing is counter productive, think clearly about where you can focus', as a result of this i'm able to think clearly and rationally in a circumstance i've been in many times before where I've just procrastinated because of the fear and stress and been very unproductive but hyper anxious.
In dealing with procrastination, I could see that 'I'm afraid of proving I'm stupid, of not getting what i need to do done, of being ostrasized/spoken about behind my back for doing a bad job.
I acknowledged quite clearly that part of my brain just doesn't want to sit down and work, and so it's perfectly fine to trick that part of my brain by talking to it and explaining that it's ok 'just to do a little bit, that it doesn't matter what happens and everything i do is great'. These are all fundamentally lies, and it's strange to explain it this way but it works!. Once i was clear there is an irrational part of my make up which approaches tasks with anxiety, building them up so i can't actually ever be successful, I reason that I can just lie to it. In terms of people talking behind my back, I reasoned that if people are talking about me behind my back when i'm clearly doing good work then it's their weakness, and it doesn't have to be mine. There's more to the above but that sums up procrastination.
These might seem humdrum, I can say honestly they are quite stark case studies to me for something special happening with this sub. A good benchmark for me is the fearlessness I had on self esteem when i had total self acceptance, this is kind of like that but it's less 'puffed up', it's just calm, reasonable and powerful.
I have a bunch of other examples. Taking my kid to a trampoline park, going to a relatives' house where one relative in particular tries to push my buttons and I respond/overreact because of my fear of being dominated (which this time didn't happen because he just seemed petty and weak to me, and after a short time started behaving with alot of respect). Also deciding on eating healthily (not indulging in food which is not aligned with my goals because i fear iwon't get to enjoy anything after), Cleaning my house where I'm able to think clearly and decide on what i want to prioritise, fixing some shelves (which i'm able to do methodically because I don't have some anxiety about not comprehending what to do). With all of these it's like I get to use my rational mind because i haven't got this dominating fear.
It's clear to me I've not been able to make logical decisions for alot of my life, it's all been instinct and feeling, which has led me to some good places, but it's also left me quite powerless and unconfident...
Anyway I'm done for today. Another loop tomorrow.
Day 1: I was consciously listing things i'm afraid of as i went through the day. I found myself being freer to think, and calmer but then had a huge panic attack. soon after I calmed down, took rational action and quite soberly realised that panic wasn't going to solve the problem I was facing, and that my best best was to remain calm
Day 2: I had the day off work, i resisted a temptation to log on, and made a conscious choice to take the day off. I haven't done this in about a year - i've always been doing something. I had a really fun and relaxing day. Nothing special, just buying groceries, having fun with my wife and making myself laugh with comedies - this souunds like nothing but i was seriously enjoying it, belly laughing much of the day. Probably haven't laughed like that (while sober) in years.
Days 3-5 (break days): I resisted the urge to do more loops. I felt so much better that i just wanted more of a good thing. I started realising that along with fears coming up, my logic and reasoning was kicking in. A couple of examples.
Taking my daughter to the park; I get self conscious normally, having a fear that some kid is going to pick on my kid and then their parent will get involved (this happens more than you might expect). It's not an easy situation to resolve, emotions run high, it can be at least very awkward and embarrassing, at most very aggressive and shaming. I had no such issue this time, in fact the situation did arise and I was able to handle it rationally, with a clear mind which was able to determine what teh appropriate boundaries were and logically be confident about the appropriate way to respond in such a situation.
Similarly, a tight work deadline, my logical brain kicks in and says 'if you want to get this done, or even stand a chance, then then stressing is counter productive, think clearly about where you can focus', as a result of this i'm able to think clearly and rationally in a circumstance i've been in many times before where I've just procrastinated because of the fear and stress and been very unproductive but hyper anxious.
In dealing with procrastination, I could see that 'I'm afraid of proving I'm stupid, of not getting what i need to do done, of being ostrasized/spoken about behind my back for doing a bad job.
I acknowledged quite clearly that part of my brain just doesn't want to sit down and work, and so it's perfectly fine to trick that part of my brain by talking to it and explaining that it's ok 'just to do a little bit, that it doesn't matter what happens and everything i do is great'. These are all fundamentally lies, and it's strange to explain it this way but it works!. Once i was clear there is an irrational part of my make up which approaches tasks with anxiety, building them up so i can't actually ever be successful, I reason that I can just lie to it. In terms of people talking behind my back, I reasoned that if people are talking about me behind my back when i'm clearly doing good work then it's their weakness, and it doesn't have to be mine. There's more to the above but that sums up procrastination.
These might seem humdrum, I can say honestly they are quite stark case studies to me for something special happening with this sub. A good benchmark for me is the fearlessness I had on self esteem when i had total self acceptance, this is kind of like that but it's less 'puffed up', it's just calm, reasonable and powerful.
I have a bunch of other examples. Taking my kid to a trampoline park, going to a relatives' house where one relative in particular tries to push my buttons and I respond/overreact because of my fear of being dominated (which this time didn't happen because he just seemed petty and weak to me, and after a short time started behaving with alot of respect). Also deciding on eating healthily (not indulging in food which is not aligned with my goals because i fear iwon't get to enjoy anything after), Cleaning my house where I'm able to think clearly and decide on what i want to prioritise, fixing some shelves (which i'm able to do methodically because I don't have some anxiety about not comprehending what to do). With all of these it's like I get to use my rational mind because i haven't got this dominating fear.
It's clear to me I've not been able to make logical decisions for alot of my life, it's all been instinct and feeling, which has led me to some good places, but it's also left me quite powerless and unconfident...
Anyway I'm done for today. Another loop tomorrow.
