EPHRA v 1.0 Returning with A (Bad-Ass) Vengeance

[hiddenalias]

Introduction:

Sometimes I wonder that when I start a sub there is a higher power stopping me from ever completing it every time i start something I, for one reason or another, end up stopping it. At this rate, I wonder how I ever will get through all of the subs I ever wanted to use....

Back last year toward the end of 2015, I started EPHRA then decided to anxiously end it after 9 days thinking I was "happy" and selfish enough to just want to get into MLS 5g....

I should have just stuck with EPHRA after understanding the meaning of resistance and the meaning of mental garbage deletion from the brain (lol I made that one up)

I was curious to try EPHRA 2. But I guess if its predecessor will do a decent job to clear any mental garbage, hence it will take a bit longer, what the heck, I will just use this one.

Give it a 3 month run and see where I stand. Probably even take it to as high as 6 months (maybe).

Speakers: Kicker - 21khz
Insignia Receiver - volume 20/60 preset (bluetooth only access)
Using - Trickling stream (unless otherwise noted in Daily log records)
*NOTE* Sometimes I will use headphone speakers

Also keep in mind I will record volume level while listening because I believe that the higher the volume (not too high) the better it is for exposure; so my receiver goes up to 60 in number for max volume. and you don't want to play it at, say, 5 or 6 out of 60.....extremely too low......so I would experiment with the volume and note it down.

[hiddenalias]

Day 1 - June 24th 2016
about 7 hours listened

Today I guess I felt good. I walked into a convenience store asking for some item that I couldnt see and asked a worker if they had one and they were like they dont and jokingly i said they are the only store that doesnt have 1....made the guy laugh (I hardly ever make anyone laugh, I mean that literally).

Overall the day was normal...Cant say anything stood out. But then later in the afternoon sometime I just felt "great" like just euphoric great like being silly great 'happy happy" great. That was about it.

I dont think I would bother reporting anything like negative emotions that would be encountered since it is irrelevant and only the sub related occurrences should be reported so I wont waste my time giving any negative emotional reports for the day. Anyway the great feeling mustve came from the sub.

No Dreams to report.

[hiddenalias]

Day 2- June 25th 2016
8 hours listened


Let me start out by saying as I was listening to EPHRA tonight, I was having a very pissed off argument with my "fiancee". Because she asked me a question and I answered her directly but asked her back what she asked me and she wanted to wait till "after marriage" to tell me......so that really pissed me off big time......so I did end up going back to my cool calm collected mode and continued talking with her because as annoyed and pissed off that I was, I could have ignored her but just kept talking from pissed mood to mellow mood.......I dont think that was Ephra.....who knows...I just like to be humble honest.



So today I felt some effects of EPHRA or I would assume it was. LOL As some of you responded to my chatterbox post about the whole marriage setup BS and how I explained in the messages that I felt pissed off or whatever to read some responses towards me and then POOF the negative feelings vanished and filled in the space was humor or light humor making light of things and not taking things personallly and joking while responding back to the posts. This I assume is a pleasant thanks to EPHRA.

Another thing I noticed was I never told my sister I love her but today I was saying it playfully as I was stepping out of the house. These are just some things I experienced today. Other than that nothing else in particular.......

Thank you EPHRA

No Dreams to report.

[hiddenalias]

Day 3 - June 26

9 hours listened.

I will just summarize anything beyond ordinary and get right to the point in my daily logs....

1. I made someone laugh again with a comment I made (again this is the 2nd time since using EPHRA that I have done such a thing) before that when I was using ASC I had a fun interaction on 2 seprate occassions so I give credit to ASC for that.

Reason I mention this is because never in my life I ever make anyone chuckle.....even if others naturally take the skill for granted.

The 2nd thing that comes to mind is that I actually stood up to my brother in law because he has a habit of hitting his kids (not in a mean cruel way) but it is his way of parenting is to hit the child if they dont listen or in this case, my niece wasnt in bed and it was past her bed time).

So anyway I just made a comment to let it go (so he didnt hit her) saying she was with me (as in I allowed her to be with me) even if she is supposed to be in bed.

otherwise I usually dont say nothing and he ends up hitting from his parenting perspective.....

I never say nothing to him ever in my 14 years of knowing him as my in law....1st time tonight....EPHRA might be the reason....I wanted to say another thing but couldnt out of irrational fear.....

Then I told my sister about something but what I say to people wasnt like I fear and say it anyway, it was that I guess calm speaking out....I guess EPHRA is taking its effect on me...slowly chipping away my old mindset who knows? I wouldnt make up anything in these posts if nothing was happening...

No dreams to report.

[hiddenalias]

Day 4 - June 27

7 hours listened

Dreams: I had one very vivid dream as I felt. I did remember alot of detail out of it but it wont be in chronological order.....


So basically what happened was I parked my car at some neighbor's driveway but I dont know logically why I would have parked it there; they lived right across the street. there were 2 brothers one more overweight and one very slim. The overweight one drove his car into mine causing damage. So what i remember is we invited his family over to ours to "work things out". I guess they came over for dinner and it felt like we were bonding and getting passed the incident that happened. But then it felt as they were faking their bonding and wanted something else, my dad was falling asleep in their sofa....I felt that I was going out to take a snapshot of the other kid's license plate and damage photo snapshot so it can work as my evidence but the father of theirs spotted me asking what I was doing. Also as the family was leaving from our house where we invited them over, the mom made some kind of remark that turned out to be insulting in a hidden way toward me. That's all I can remember for now.


Been having a good day so far. I have been speaking a little freely I think that in contast before EPHRA I couldnt speak freely irrationally thinking what I say may sound stupid. I have been more loose and even with my sister again been using the playful 'love you' remark (sibling love guys cmon) lol but yeah I went to the mall to grab some new pair of sneakers, felt like it was time to upgrade my wardrobe so bought a new pair of sneakers along with new jeans and tees but the way my mom is she is like "only to wear these (tees) during bedtime" because her culture's perspective is not to wear casual tees out and about in the open public; not even in home during waking hours....(WTF??) But whatever I didnt meant to steer off topic, AM 6 will take care of her, so anyway I bought a new pair of tees and jeans and shoes.

Had fun interaction with crew at the shoe store and cashier at walmart (just simple lite conversation) I feel like i have been more of a pleasant converser with anyone I have to end up being around. So overall been feeling good about myself....there are still hesitations and fears present but it hasnt been a full week either so I am happy with the fast progress I am getting with EPHRA and cant wait to use AM 6 after 2 months of EPHRA; I would have prefered 3 to 6 months but I am going to India in 6 months and dont want time zone conflict if I end up using AM 6 for the 6th month mark; would like to complete the 6 stage run without missing any days.

Anyway, to wrap up the day I was at Walmart picking up stuff for mom and I think I realized that I am no shining star in conversation when it comes to people.....I think I learned that if the person has a "unhappy" or "unpleasant" expression on their face, they are in a bad mood and must hate their life....(too bad they dont know about subliminaltalk) lol but seriously, this one particular's aura just hit me and all of a sudden I felt fear and went into a bad mood like "I cant make this person chuckle and dude you just ruined my mood" sort of feeling.....

Felt that same uncomfortable feeling like the old me was trying to sprout out again with another person I was cashing out purchasing something....but I wasnt feeling natural and calm like with others I was feeling like forced to remain cool. Resistance anyone?? Also still same fear with bro in law cant naturally speak up with him what I want to say, maybe I am in the "mixed" phase right now where 80% of me is still the old me and the 20% of me is still trying to sprout out slowly pushing its way to the full 100% replacing the old version of me? I think I am going to TRY to start using more of the headphones with EPHRA too and more hours of listening than 7 - 9 on average. See you tomorrow

[heavysm]

Just out of curiosity what holds back from using EPHRA 2.0? Somehow i think you'd be getting some serious revelations within even a few days of listening. I'm only a month into E 2 and nothing is the same for me.

I also get if budget is a concern, but if there is something aside from that, I'm curious what that is

[hiddenalias]

Just out of curiosity what holds back from using EPHRA 2.0? Somehow i think you'd be getting some serious revelations within even a few days of listening. I'm only a month into E 2 and nothing is the same for me.

I also get if budget is a concern, but if there is something aside from that, I'm curious what that is

Lol it is definitely a budget issue...I am interested in 2.0 n very very curious to try it n I understand 100$ is nothing compared to AM 6 500$.

Maybe I might use 1.0 for 32 days and then save up some money and get the 2.0 and try that for 2 months then progress onto AM 6? Lol I thought about 2.0 before starting 1.0 then I got disheartened seeing the price I am just low on money lol

I am starting a better job soon and or going part time to full time work...also doesn't help giving my mom $150 a week from my paycheck

[DisneylandUSA]

To me, it sounds Practical. You have used more of the $$$$ than me

[hiddenalias]

To me, it sounds Practical. You have used more of the $$$$ than me

Lol how did you know?? Well if I add up the numbers I am a fast food addict and I have spent over $100 within 2 weeks (couldve put that toward EPHRA 2) lol but a man's gotta eat But I have spent money on car tools (car buff DIY guy) clothing, gas (well car wont go too far without it)

[hiddenalias]

Day 5 - June 28

6.5 hours during sleep volume 20
1 hour waking - calibrated volume from 20 to 30 back to 20

Total listening 7.5 hours

So what to repot today? Absolutely nothing unless you want to count talking to a receptionist on a phone when I was enquiring about a job and remained calm and actually chuckled with no fake laugh; usually I will get nervous enquiring about jobs like they are gods.....I donno.

Got pissed off and argued with my dad today.....so anger is there but I guess I calmed down and remained neutral I donno *shrugs* as we were driving back home after the heated argument....but its usually like that but I cant tell if I get angry after the incident but this time just remained neutral....

Also hate feeling anxious and nervous when my bro in law and mom are in the scene and I just get uncomfortable and thats what I felt.

I think more hours listening to EPHRA before maybe converting to 2.0 will get me into the 'zone'....still have nervousness/irrational fears annoyances, angers for the day....

Now I am going to crank up the volume to 30 using the US tones......tonight

[hiddenalias]

Day 6 - June 29
US Tones - volume 30 listened for 8 hours

I wonder if it is resistance when you feel fear or nervousness while listening to EPHRA anyone ever feel this while listening to version 1? Still not able to open up and talk freely....I hope to listen to EPHRA for 12 hours even before upgrading to 2.0 version......

So nothing exciting to report today. Hope to listen for more hours to bypass or weaken any resistance that might be taking place.

No Dreams today.

[hiddenalias]

1 Week - June 30
US Tones - volume 30
7 hours listened


Dreams:

I dont want to say it was vivid but memorable. So what I remember (in no chronological order again)

1. It was like I was a pizza delivery boy and I am supposed to make a delivery to my ex supervisor for my counseling practicum I was doing last year. Anyway it had his name on the label. So time carries on and I think it felt like hours later that I never went to do the delivery. But when I was ready to, I must have ate the pizza accidentally. But the label was someone else's name not my ex supervisor's. Then I thought "ah they waited too long I am sure that hours later of not being delivered they probably went to get something else" I also thought why no one in the store reminded me to make the delivery in the alotted time. There was some guy talking random guy about whatever but he was in the scenario...random but he was there, definitely dark skinneed...but gota include all the little details no matter how unworthy they are

2. There was an angry cat and it kept hissing at me. Gave me goosebumps (as in real life I to become edgy when cats hiss or become defensive I think to myself 'ok i am getting the hell outa here before it lunges at me' kind of perception. But anyway I got goosebumps and became edgy; the setting felt like it was a garage.....so I thought I pissed it off I think forgot how. But then I closed the door behind it and there was this little gaping window which had metal brackets on it on both sides of mine and the cat's. Anyway the cat put its paw toward my side of the window and i could see its face; So I spit on its paw. Then I could see what it is thinking "heyyy why is he spitting on my paw"?? But all through out I am sure it was mad and I kept teasing it.

3. My mom and I were out and about and there was this little toddler who was trying to run toward his mom; and my mom spoke some spanish and I thought to myself wow mom when did you learn spanish?

So onto the real world; I don't know if it was because of EPHRA but I felt like I could slightly say something to people if I wanted to; Fear was not completely eradicated but the minor feeling of wanting to say something was there without being irrationally afraid of repercussions.

The cool thing that happened today was that this SOB almost crashed into me driving his car and with his careless driving I beeped at him about 2 times and, get this, had this NO FEAR of saying something to him about it while he parked at a convenience store, I wanted to go meet him inside and tell him about it. but I didnt bother saying anything because it wasnt worth my time to tell him off and him probably going into a shouting "bad ass" match with an attitude and may start wanting to duke it out....definitely looked ghetto though..... So I let it go....But I am sure I didnt feel any fear of telling him off.

I think that was the main highlight of the day.....I might have felt slightly tired due to the sub.....not sure after a restful nap still lightly felt drained or maybe it was just me....

[hiddenalias]

Day 8 - July 1st
7 hours listened
US Tones - volume 30

Today I felt like I was slightly "drained" I dont want to exaggerate that I was but couldve been, maybe through the sub.

I am hesitant to say anything and other times I will say it so it was a mix today.....but still reserve myself in saying it meaning that I dont care about saying it because it doesnt bother me if I do or dont.

The old me still reveals its ugly head in situations, like today I was told after a short phone interview that I was not going to have a face to face interview and I try to play it cool in such a corny fashion that it doesnt come out funny smooth with the person like "trying too hard" that makes him look stupid to put it one way......so I know my old self will still be around untill I am completely reprogrammed to the new me when it sets in real deep in my subconscious.

I do have some things to report but I dont want to exaggerate it maybe it was just coincidence...so what I am referring to is feeling calmness and not feeling any shame over like thoughts I used to have I would get embarrassed

[hiddenalias]

Day 9- July 2nd
8.5 hours listened during sleep - US Tones - volume 30
1.5 hours listened during waking - trickling stream - volume 7/15 using Headphones

Total listen time - 10 hours

Dreams: I remember one dream where I was in a empty house, the emotion I felt was fear like something was going to pop out and scare the shit out of me......it was empty, and I was thinking to myself that I was rational and there would be nothing scary and there wasn't. but it was empty I dont think there was any furnishings either inside the house.....but I kept running in different areas to prove myself there was nothing creepy or scary....and there wasn't. There was another dream but I can't remember what it was but I know I dreamt something elsse....

Today I felt calm and relaxed around people I guess or wherever there was a social population whether I was in my car or whatever. Like one time today I told this one woman she had her hair down when she had it up yesterday (same woman I met at my insurance agency for something). Didnt take any force to say it or make myself say it, I just said it.....

But then other times, I felt unwanted and like an outsider and wasnt good enough to be around these people even if they dont know me and I am only a customer not working with them.....so I get fear of being calm and playful and just leave.

Then there was this one guy on the phone (you know those shady insurance people that dont want to pay a dime out of their pocket if you are not at fault in an accident) so I had to end up talking with him and I just felt edgy sort of with him, not confident, not self assured, just tried my best to be assertive with him and "alpha professional" I guess he was being very loud and rude at least thats what I perceieved...anyway reason why I mention this is that I felt a sense of dreadfulness having to talk to such insurance guys that dont wanna pay out knowing they are at fault....I know EPHRA doesnt help with confidence building but had to include it in the post anyway.

However I still have a fear that if I have a great time (1st time) talking to random people, the thought to see them again or if they spot me would terrify me and I am hoping not to be seen by such people.....avoiding eye contact......

I feel shame or embarrassing thoughts that used to be embarrassing to me I guess are not bothering me no more....

Still can't open up to say what I want about some stuff to people.....irrational fears are still present just like the people avoidance...

But here is a interesting event that took place, I was buying stuff from Wendys drive thru and this woman dropped my dime and calmly I said to her something along the lines of "I want my dime you dropped my change" and then went on to lecture her "the next time you give change wrap it up in the receipt so it doesn't fall" I dont know if she was listening but I am hoping she felt stupid and didnt have a word to say.