08-16-2022, 11:36 PM
So.... it's been a bit. And a lot of stuff has happened that I didn't want to write about (either due to the rules of the site prohibiting certain subjects, feeling like there was too much to report, or both) but I've been making progress, bit by bit, slowly but surely. But tonight, I think I had a breakthrough as to why I'm having such a hard time letting my resentment over the cruel way I was friend dumped: I don't truly believe I deserve better. I know I do, but I don't truly believe it.
That's some tough shit to have to face, because going easier on myself is easier said than done. I am... hard on myself in a lot of ways. Maybe because I've internalized so much criticism as a child. And an adolescent. And as a young adult. And now as a grown man in his thirties. Still getting criticism from people close to me instead of love or understanding, still internalizing it, still angry about it and still having a chip on my shoulder. Because I don't really view myself better than that. I feel like if I can clear that and let go of that, I can get A LOT out of my way and manifest a lot of stuff I want in life.
It ties back to one of the things that had happened recently: My friend who is into very niche subjects in regards to energy did an energy reading and chakra diagnostic when I said I had a hard time being disciplined about my music or something like that in a convo. She said that a lot of my blockages related to some deeply rooted traumas surrounding my mother, that I know who I am deep down but don't feel worthy. She said it's corny but that what I needed was love.
She said I could access an energetic white healing current that is inherently Yin oriented energetically and carries an "unconditional love" aspect to it, similar to the green ray energy of the Anahata. She calls it Amvara.
I have found some degree of success in my endeavors to access such energy and use it to heal the parts of me wounded from childhood wounds. Still, it seems such things only go so far. I do not have the same gifts as her nor have I disciplined myself to achieving anywhere near the same abilities as her when it comes to working with such energy.
So even with all that, and this sub, I still have stuff to work on and I guess tonight just pointed to a major blockage which my friend was telling me about: a feeling of unworthiness.
It's definitely a lot to process because I'm not sure how to handle it. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques might help, but I feel such help is limited because it only goes so deep. I am skeptical of how much it really does to affect the unconscious mind. And my exfriend swears by CBT and yet isn't nearly as healed nor as evolved or mature or compassionate as she thinks she is and presents herself as being. So I doubt it'll be enough, though still worth adding.
Beyond that, there's meditation, which I still struggle with. The Gateway of Light meditation technique is still the best one I know of for me. So that's typically what I do. Maybe the strengthening of my "Unified field" as another friend I have calls it (through this meditative technique) the prerequisite energy needed for reaching deeper levels of awareness can be built up and so more answers and solutions can be found.
There is another I was told about which can help push energy up the chakras. I forget exactly what it is but might be able to find the convo I had in private messages on Messenger.
Then, there's certain movements I have learned about which can help unblock the flow of energy through the body. Perhaps I should looks and see which of these is most conducive to my situation.
That's mostly where I'm at for now.
That's some tough shit to have to face, because going easier on myself is easier said than done. I am... hard on myself in a lot of ways. Maybe because I've internalized so much criticism as a child. And an adolescent. And as a young adult. And now as a grown man in his thirties. Still getting criticism from people close to me instead of love or understanding, still internalizing it, still angry about it and still having a chip on my shoulder. Because I don't really view myself better than that. I feel like if I can clear that and let go of that, I can get A LOT out of my way and manifest a lot of stuff I want in life.
It ties back to one of the things that had happened recently: My friend who is into very niche subjects in regards to energy did an energy reading and chakra diagnostic when I said I had a hard time being disciplined about my music or something like that in a convo. She said that a lot of my blockages related to some deeply rooted traumas surrounding my mother, that I know who I am deep down but don't feel worthy. She said it's corny but that what I needed was love.
She said I could access an energetic white healing current that is inherently Yin oriented energetically and carries an "unconditional love" aspect to it, similar to the green ray energy of the Anahata. She calls it Amvara.
I have found some degree of success in my endeavors to access such energy and use it to heal the parts of me wounded from childhood wounds. Still, it seems such things only go so far. I do not have the same gifts as her nor have I disciplined myself to achieving anywhere near the same abilities as her when it comes to working with such energy.
So even with all that, and this sub, I still have stuff to work on and I guess tonight just pointed to a major blockage which my friend was telling me about: a feeling of unworthiness.
It's definitely a lot to process because I'm not sure how to handle it. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques might help, but I feel such help is limited because it only goes so deep. I am skeptical of how much it really does to affect the unconscious mind. And my exfriend swears by CBT and yet isn't nearly as healed nor as evolved or mature or compassionate as she thinks she is and presents herself as being. So I doubt it'll be enough, though still worth adding.
Beyond that, there's meditation, which I still struggle with. The Gateway of Light meditation technique is still the best one I know of for me. So that's typically what I do. Maybe the strengthening of my "Unified field" as another friend I have calls it (through this meditative technique) the prerequisite energy needed for reaching deeper levels of awareness can be built up and so more answers and solutions can be found.
There is another I was told about which can help push energy up the chakras. I forget exactly what it is but might be able to find the convo I had in private messages on Messenger.
Then, there's certain movements I have learned about which can help unblock the flow of energy through the body. Perhaps I should looks and see which of these is most conducive to my situation.
That's mostly where I'm at for now.
