EP UMS Journal pt. 2

[Zubrowka]

Isn’t it the whole “become indispensable” that motivate you the most in this urge? Ask yourself 1) why do you seek this - is it based in some faulty belief about yourself 2) if it’s still something you want - where can you otherwise get to that goal?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It is based on the belief that if I do not, and they look up my medical records, I will be dishonorably discharged for fraudulent enlistment and I don't want that.

If I become indespensible and they discover my medical records, they might keep me around. I have explained this quite explicitly.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'll get booted, most likely, with a discharge other than honorable at best. Dishonorable at worst. They have the right to prosecute, but it seems they rarely ever do that.

If I make myself indespensible however, they won't want to get rid of me.

@Zubrowka You do not get what I mean. If you are thinking I can't hack it in the military without the hierarchical and stressful nature of the job mentally breaking me, then you are in fact mirroring the voice in my head saying "You can't do it" and I'll be damned if I keep listening to that voice any longer. Your idea of "you shouldn't do it" is based in the idea of "you can't hack it"
Yes I can.

Still, I will concede that deeper investigation as to why I care so much about military service is a good idea. Although I would like to point out that ny family has a strong history of military service. It's something I have ALWAYS wanted to do but didn't think I could handle doing. Now that self doubt is being eliminated and the closed case file is reopening.

I'll consider whether the military is truly the best way to get what I want, but I'm done listening to that fearful "You can't handle stress, hierarchy, structure, discipline or fear" *****.

And you are the 5 people you soend the most time around. Who am I spending my time around? People who live in quiet desperation. Victims. I would rather spend my time with warriors.

If they have the right by law to prosecute you, you are risking you too much, no matter how low the possibility. Yes, of course you can, but this is illegal. You can do many things that are completely legal. And think that even if they don´t catch at the beginning the possibility will always be there, you will never be secure in that job, and at any moment you can finish without job, having lost all that time and maybe in jail or with criminal records.

Yes, you can, but you should?

They WON'T prosecute. That's some shit they threaten with to discourage people from lying to get past MEPS. ALMOST EVERYBODY LIES TO MEPS OR CONCEALS INFORMATION FROM THEM TO JOIN. Do you know some of the shit that can disqualify you from joining? Having ever had a therapist even as a child for any reason, having irregular periods, having a cyst that doesn't do anything, having been depressed before, having ADHD, etc. Pretty much anything. If you went to a therapist for a brief period as a child because your parents moved around a lot and it was rough on you, they call this a "history of mental illness" and decide that "ypur service is not of value" should you refuse to join the military then just because you were depressed and saw a therapist once? It's asinine! As I have said, the vast majority of military personel hid SOMETHING to grt through MEPS. Most just don't get caught. If the US military got rid of every single person who ever concealed disqualifying information to join, there would be very few military personnel left. Such is the rigid stupidity of their dumbass bureaucratic bullshit. My dad once had to get a security clearance for a job once in the Army. They asked if he had any addictions amd he decided to be a smartass and say he had an addiction to coffee. Clearance denied. He was called an idiot by his superiors for saying that. He was like "well, it's true" and they were like "But you don't TELL THEM that." That's how it goes. 

If I run the risk of getting discharged will it be worth it? 

Yes. 

Because I will have no less really than what I had to begin with. 

I have done my research on this. You have not. Once you make it past boot camp, the likelihood of your medical records getting you kicked out decreases quite a bit. If I manage to make myself REALLY damn useful, they will want to keep me because they cannot afford to get rid of somebody who has PROVEN themselves a tremendous asset. That too is military reality. There's lots of bureaucracy yes. But then there is also lots of pragmatism that clashes with it. For pragmatism to win, you need PEOPLE on your side. To get people on your side, you have to win them over by gaining their respect. That is a big part of military culture I have come to learn. 

If I get discharged, I will be back at square one, but I will not be in Leavenworth. 

If I do not get discharged, I will live the life I want to live. 

Is chasing my dreams worth the risk of having them taken away from me? Yes. Because the alternative is to not even chase them at all. Either way, you end up in the same place: you are doing something else instead. And the world for you is not over, but at least with the former, you had the balls to go for it. And what if I DON'T get booted? What if I get to KEEP being a Marine and doing what I want to do? Well then hell yes it will have been worth it.

...

That is, assuming it's what I really want.

That's why I shall take your suggestion to consider why I want to do it seriously.

But if I decide I truly do want to do it, I won't let fear of discharge stop me from doing it. And I won't be passive about the issue by not taking action to protect myself.

My competence and usefulness amd respect from fellow Marines shall be my job "job security"

If I go down that route that is...

[Zubrowka]

Best of luck man. I'm all for it if you decide for doing it, seems you have a pretty good idea about what it is and I don't so I won't get any of my concerns about it. Happy to hear you overcome your self limiting beliefs. I have been following your account for a long time and I don't think you realize how much you have changed.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks man. I appreciate that. And I appreciate you caring enough to just try to help me out telling me what I don't want to hear if you think it's helpful. And I appreciate you admitting when I know what I'm talking about and/or doing. I appreciate your care and support.

It means a lot to hear that I have come a good way like that so thanks for that pick me up.

I will still take your advice to heart and consider whether joining the USMC is what I TRULY want. So thanks for that as well.

Thank you for your care and support.

[Yous]

I'll get booted, most likely, with a discharge other than honorable at best. Dishonorable at worst. They have the right to prosecute, but it seems they rarely ever do that.

If I make myself indespensible however, they won't want to get rid of me.

@Zubrowka You do not get what I mean. If you are thinking I can't hack it in the military without the hierarchical and stressful nature of the job mentally breaking me, then you are in fact mirroring the voice in my head saying "You can't do it" and I'll be damned if I keep listening to that voice any longer. Your idea of "you shouldn't do it" is based in the idea of "you can't hack it"
Yes I can.

Still, I will concede that deeper investigation as to why I care so much about military service is a good idea. Although I would like to point out that ny family has a strong history of military service. It's something I have ALWAYS wanted to do but didn't think I could handle doing. Now that self doubt is being eliminated and the closed case file is reopening.

I'll consider whether the military is truly the best way to get what I want, but I'm done listening to that fearful "You can't handle stress, hierarchy, structure, discipline or fear" *****.

And you are the 5 people you soend the most time around. Who am I spending my time around? People who live in quiet desperation. Victims. I would rather spend my time with warriors.

If they have the right by law to prosecute you, you are risking you too much, no matter how low the possibility. Yes, of course you can, but this is illegal. You can do many things that are completely legal. And think that even if they don´t catch at the beginning the possibility will always be there, you will never be secure in that job, and at any moment you can finish without job, having lost all that time and maybe in jail or with criminal records.

Yes, you can, but you should?

They WON'T prosecute. That's some shit they threaten with to discourage people from lying to get past MEPS. ALMOST EVERYBODY LIES TO MEPS OR CONCEALS INFORMATION FROM THEM TO JOIN. Do you know some of the shit that can disqualify you from joining? Having ever had a therapist even as a child for any reason, having irregular periods, having a cyst that doesn't do anything, having been depressed before, having ADHD, etc. Pretty much anything. If you went to a therapist for a brief period as a child because your parents moved around a lot and it was rough on you, they call this a "history of mental illness" and decide that "ypur service is not of value" should you refuse to join the military then just because you were depressed and saw a therapist once? It's asinine! As I have said, the vast majority of military personel hid SOMETHING to grt through MEPS. Most just don't get caught. If the US military got rid of every single person who ever concealed disqualifying information to join, there would be very few military personnel left. Such is the rigid stupidity of their dumbass bureaucratic *****. My dad once had to get a security clearance for a job once in the Army. They asked if he had any addictions amd he decided to be a smartass and say he had an addiction to coffee. Clearance denied. He was called an idiot by his superiors for saying that. He was like "well, it's true" and they were like "But you don't TELL THEM that." That's how it goes. 

If I run the risk of getting discharged will it be worth it? 

Yes. 

Because I will have no less really than what I had to begin with. 

I have done my research on this. You have not. Once you make it past boot camp, the likelihood of your medical records getting you kicked out decreases quite a bit. If I manage to make myself REALLY damn useful, they will want to keep me because they cannot afford to get rid of somebody who has PROVEN themselves a tremendous asset. That too is military reality. There's lots of bureaucracy yes. But then there is also lots of pragmatism that clashes with it. For pragmatism to win, you need PEOPLE on your side. To get people on your side, you have to win them over by gaining their respect. That is a big part of military culture I have come to learn. 

If I get discharged, I will be back at square one, but I will not be in Leavenworth. 

If I do not get discharged, I will live the life I want to live. 

Is chasing my dreams worth the risk of having them taken away from me? Yes. Because the alternative is to not even chase them at all. Either way, you end up in the same place: you are doing something else instead. And the world for you is not over, but at least with the former, you had the balls to go for it. And what if I DON'T get booted? What if I get to KEEP being a Marine and doing what I want to do? Well then hell yes it will have been worth it.

...

That is, assuming it's what I really want.

That's why I shall take your suggestion to consider why I want to do it seriously.

But if I decide I truly do want to do it, I won't let fear of discharge stop me from doing it. And I won't be passive about the issue by not taking action to protect myself.

My competence and usefulness amd respect from fellow Marines shall be my job "job security"

If I go down that route that is...

Is not the same lying about having too much coffee or going to psychologist a couple of times years ago than lying about a condition, and is not only the condition I supposed you will have to make a sworn declaration that all you say it's true and signed it just this could put you in trouble with the law, anywayh ope the risk worth it. Good luck

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 8/7 of bloom.

Went a little too long on bloom, not keeping close enough track if bloom time.

Now I am running the carpetbomb.

I shall count today as day 1, despite missing a bit of it last night.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 5 of carpetbombing:

My phone ran out of juice today so I'm taking a break from the sub today.

Dealing with anger over the past today. Causing me to interact with my family in a way that has blown upin my face.

Still have lots of anger. Having trouble drumming up motivation.

Just... angry. Stewing in anger.

[Zubrowka]

Day 5 of carpetbombing:

My phone ran out of juice today so I'm taking a break from the sub today.

Dealing with anger over the past today. Causing me to interact with my family in a way that has blown upin my face.

Still have lots of anger. Having trouble drumming up motivation.

Just... angry. Stewing in anger.

I have noticed that letting anger control my interactions - seldom - if never - give something productive and good to my life. Anger don't always have a relationship to your current life, but can be your past that come and haunt you and sometimes make your present worse than it have to be. 

I think it's important to find an outlet for that anger. I love going out for a run - that always clears my mind and give me some space to breathe. Or play some sports if you have any you like.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I know all that dude.

I think I have an outlet for my anger thought up, but that's my own personal thing.

Thanks for the sincere care and consideration.

[Zubrowka]

Yeah didn't mean to treat you as an idiot. Just wanted to remind you about it!

Just don't go headbutt random people on the street, lol.

Don't overconplicate it!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Cool. Thanks man.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Self reminder: carpetbombing begins again om the 4th.

[AriGold]

Are you also going to get some time like 2 weeks off to see if you start executing or did you already do that?