EP UMS JOURNAL

[findingme]

Congratulations EP. You being uncomfortable with these awarenesses means one thing: you're closer to your solutions, and when you see one, you'll recognize it and likely run to it. When you're seeing with open eyes the stuff you despise in yourself, you're CLOSER---so much closer--to the other side of it. Staying with it, in my experience, has always been the hardest part. I didn't want to feel helpless to change things which had been in me for years. I've ran away countless times. But before you choose that, let me ask you to think for a moment.

Have you ever been in that spot of recognizing everything bad before, all at one time? How are you even slightly different now?

You're right. I need to become my primary source of validation and it seems I'm unwilling to do that.

Is this unwillingness on your part, or are you only doing what you've seen others do? I can guess this answer, but were others around you comfortable in their own skin? Or were they nervous, insecure, or sometimes even pretentious?

I have a hard time accepting myself as i already am, and get the feeling that even if I accomplished the things in my head, I would still struggle with this, because i am holding onto a logical fallacy I don't seem to want to get rid of for some reason, even though it causes me nothing but pain. I need to let this belief go. So why do I resist doing it? Maybe because it comes with responsibility I'm not taking? 

Again, is this unwillingness and failure, or are you doing what you've seen others do your entire life? At this time, do you REALLY know anything different? Or rather, do you believe anything different?

If my life theme is personal sovereignty and personal sovereignty is very connected to personal responsibility, maybe that's what my problem is: not taking responsibility. 

You're aware of your problem. Most people never even realize this. Denial is more common than truth since denial is about avoiding responsibility. You're very uncomfortable, but I see that EP is NOT in denial You took responsibility for yourself today!!

Why do I resist doing that? Because I'm afraid of something? Maybe because it would require me to engage the world around me instead of my usual forms of withdrawal, and I'm afraid to do that?

Maybe your resisting in other parts of life had some desirable returns, like attention, kindness, caring--and likely the biggest one is: someone giving you the message and actual belief that you can't handle it, or worse, them taking responsibility away from you. If it worked once and you were relieved, then why not try again, and again, again?

I ask since.......well, me too. I've done this loads of times. You are not alone in this struggle. It takes a lot of gonads to ask yourself such questions and be honest with your answers.

Anyway, you're right. I need to get with the program. Letting go of that faulty belief is essential to my forward progression and my personal evolution. 

I think you are actually with the program already. You're finding self-made roadblocks though--which is UMS manifesting that it's working. It's showing you your personal beliefs, thoughts, and actions which are working against the goals of the program. EP is not a failure. He's a regular human being going forward with BOTH fear and courage into these ill-working ways. Old ways brought more pain than joy and happiness, and you CHOSE to use this sub to change things, a bit at a time.

Your courage shows tremendously EP. You're facing your inner darkness, seeing where you've been stuck, and you called for help.

We're here giving you guidance. Keep on with UMS, and look for the itsy bitsy progress each day. I read and re-read the program goals myself, so when some change happens, I can say "Goal (#) is happening!". It works for me, for what we think on......expands. You did a GREAT JOB of being honest here EP!!

You deserve some credit for this