EP UMS JOURNAL

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 5 of bloom. Feeling better than I was yesterday, after all that encouragement. Thanks everyone for your support! Got tutoring in Psyche Stats today at 11 and then I have a Psyche Stats exam. I'm underprepared, but regardless of how it goes, I'm not too worried. I know things will all work out, eventually. 

Still, I got work to do and healing to do. I still gotta push myself a bit more each day.

I'm moving forward slowly, but at least I'm getting there. I'm still not over my ex-friend. Not by a long shot. I'll get there though.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So after looking at symptoms for High functioning depression, and I have like 90 something percent of all the described symptoms. No wonder I feel like I'm making little progress even though I'm actually doing a lot more than I was. And no wonder I feel no sense of passion or motivation when it comes to even creative endeavors and accomplishing goals. No wonder I spend so much time discomnecting, withdrawing, sleeping, focusing on mindless distractions, etc. No wonder I'm not appreciating progress and accomplishments. No wonder I'm not seeing monetary results yet. No wonder I'm not as invested in my studies and work related pursuits as I would ideally prefer to be, and the same regarding creative and spiritual/occult practices and pursuits. I have HFD, and these are ALL symptoms, among numerous others that I have. From what I remember my online mentor telling me, depression is a form of SUPPRESSION. Suppression of emotions I want to avoid feeling. To avoid facing. If I wamt to cure myself of this high functioning depression, the best steps to take most likely include: meditating every day, allowing the emotions to come up amd feel them fully in order to process them without identifying with them, building up my loving kindness, and focusing on my connectuons with others, including mother Earth herself. My online mentor says I am out of touch with and disconnected from my divine feminine energy, and that connecting with Mother Earth/Nature (or whatever name you want to give for groundig myself and connecting with nature) is a good step towards that reconnection and healthy balance between feminine and masculine energies. This may be the best current prescription for the current roadblocks I seem to be facing in the present, as best I can tell. Now to apply this prescription, patiently with myself. Baby steps. Glad I'm finding solutions and practical ways to move towards objective and subjective results. Things are looking a little bit more hopeful every day.

I love you all. Thank you ALL once again for your compassion, patience, guidance and support. It makes a real difference and means the world to me. You all are showing me just how powerful a difference one can make in even the smallest of ways. Thank you all so much. I love you all.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 6 of bloom. I was in a DARK place last night. Feeling better right now, but I am seeing I still have a lot if inner pain, darkness and false beleifs all rolled into just one dark cloud that covers over me sometimes. It's like... Sinking into a dark watery pit that's really deep. And trying to swim my way to the surface and then to shore. But after a while of swimming, I get tired and exhausted and start to sink again. And I keep this going as a pattern. And I have no idea how close I am to the surface.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 7 of bloom.

I went to sleep in a dark place and woke up the same way, ruminating on my issues. But as the day has gone forward, I'm thinking in more and more optimistic ways and I'm manifesting advice on what I need to do to move forward. The advice is generally focused on such things as: self love, going forward with personal dreams/ambitions honestly and sincerely, working on myself rather than focusing on external relationships, and love being more of a matter of acceptance of what is and dedication to what is being loved and accepted than meeting some sort of criteria, which I apply first to myself. 

I'm becoming less and less focused lately on school, even though my grades are suffering. But I'm also becoming more optimistic and focused on what I MOST want to do in life. 

I do feel there is a slow shift being made. I think E3 is slowly working.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

"Because as a result of Experience X (and possibly Y, Z, etc.) I conclude that I have no value in and of myself, so I need to seek value from others."

Which you could respond to by asking, "Does it make sense that I would conclude that I have no value as a result of those experiences?" to which the answer, of course, is "No."  So then you've found yourself a logical fallacy which has led you to make a conclusion that is in error and act like it is true, which effectively makes it true for you as long as you believe it is valid.  

To which the solution would be to realize the error, invalidate the belief that you have no value, and start focusing on being the one who values you, and providing yourself with forgiveness, attention, care, love, approval, etc. 

It seems I'm struggling to accept that the assertion that I have no value is a fallacy. 

I keep telling myself: "My experiences were only REFLECTIONS of my faulty beliefs, not evidence that my faulty beliefs were TRUE."

but I'm still working on reprogramming myself to believe: "I DO have value. I AM worthy of (ex-friend). I AM good enough as I am." 

And I'm still working on accepting Shannon's assertion that we can love ourselves AS WE ARE, as well as improve ourselves.

I am still working on appreciating myself AS I ALREADY AM. And until I can, I have a harder time doing the things that bring me more into alignment with how I prefer to be.

EP. Maybe you should try a different tack for a while. Instead of focusing on how you feel you have no value, why don’t you try looking at all of the reasons that you do. There is something (more than one) about you that is just plain awesome. You should find one of them, then tell us about it in detail. What is it? Why do you have that feature? How will it help you in life?

I'm also having a hard time with this. Why do I have such a hard time coming up with what makes me awesome?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I've been getting a lot of consistent messages lately about my current situation. They're all really hopeful and make clear that I can have faith in myself and my worthiness and it will all pay off. I belwive I am on the verge of making it through to the other side of this and manifesting whatever I prefer! This is about more than UMS. It's about changing everything abput my life.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 8 of bloom. Forgot to run the ultrasonics while I slept last night Whoops. Beginning carpetbomb now.

Got a pretty explicit warning in my dreams last night regarding my exfriend: "You want her, you can have her... but then you're stuck with her" Ominous. Now I don't want her. X,D

Still would like to have a talk with her, clearing things up and mutually apologizing for hurtful words and choices between us. You know, for closure.

But I'm moving forward, and learning to love myself and let whoever's new enter my life. With these AYP and MYP subs, I am SURE I'll find someone awesome! Messages have been saying lately that if I let go of my exfriend, someone better will come along. I'm ready for that new person.

[Have at ye]

Got a pretty explicit warning in my dreams last night regarding my exfriend: "You want her, you can have her... but then you're stuck with her" Ominous. Now I don't want her. X,D

That's a good one.

[Paul1131]

I would definitely listen to your subconscious on being stuck with her. Sometimes getting what you think you want can be a lot worse than missing it. I wish I’d learned this while I was stuck in a cycle of break up, get back together with my first girlfriend.
As to having some kind of closure talk with her, I would say, don’t do it. Those are only useful if you already have closure inside yourself. Closure is an internal thing and can be had without any input from the other person at all. The thing is, if you don’t already have it when you talk to her, it will just rip the wound open, throw you back into the cycle and take away all the progress you’ve made. Trust me, I know from experience.

[Z-Man]

Got a pretty explicit warning in my dreams last night regarding my exfriend: "You want her, you can have her... but then you're stuck with her" Ominous. Now I don't want her. X,D

That's a good one.

Hello EvolvingPhoenix,

I got back with my ex girlfriend for the same reason.  You get the person that broke up with you, you don’t get the person that you first fell in love with. I don’t think she even forgive me.  She thought she did nothing wrong and it was all me.  So it made matters worse. It was like a Band-Aid being ripped. I wish I just let her go and I even bother trying. I am learning to forgive myself that’s who needs the forgiveness. Self-love and self forgiveness is what you really need.  Everything happens for a reason.  That’s what I learned. I learn to move on, if this was my  divine life partner we would’ve of broke up in the first place. I wish you well. Peace and gratitude Andy acceptance is the key.

[Shannon]

"Closure" is usually an excuse based in self deception to keep trying, keep hoping, try to get her back. You are building up in your head this image of what will happen, and that creates expectations of her that are more than likely unrealistic, whether or not you want to get back together with her.

If you genuinely want "clearing things up and mutually apologizing for hurtful words and choices between us", you are assuming that she wants the same thing, for one. For two, you assume that she understands things the same way and that you actually can "clear things up". For three, and this is a big one, you assume she thinks that she did something that needs apologizing for. And last, but not least - the biggest of all - you are assuming that she is even still thinking of you at all, never mind gives a shit.

Just drop her. The only thing you can change is yourself. She is what she is, and she has done what she has done; that's on her, not you. It's over, and all you are doing by holding on is wasting the limited time you have on this planet to find a better option for yourself.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You're right. Everything in my life is basically trying to point me to move in that direction.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Carpetbombing, day 1: I think I'm FINALLY past the main hurdle of just letting go of my exfriend and accepting and loving MYSELF. I have FINALLY moved on.

[Shannon]

Progress. Keep it up.