EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 73:

Day 8 without healing pains it seems so far. That's good! But I have to admit, I spend most of my time in bed, on my laptop, watching Youtube vids and being generally unproductive. I know I shouldn't just lie back and do nothing, but... welll... that's what I have to admit to doing, as shitty as that is.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Watching this video, by School of Life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=771jjzt1vI0

And I am noticing that the behaviours he talks about are behaviours I exhibited during the friendship with my friend before the friendship breakup. I'm feeling bad about myself right now. Just going to have to take responsibility for how I acted, have compassion and forgive myself, then take responsibility to do better from here on out. It's the only way I can break the cycle of guilt and shame. Easier said than done? Perhaps, but it's what must be done.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Experiencing healing pains. So much for the streak. Regret kicking in. Gotta do what I said I'd do in the above post. It's the only way out.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

The healing pain didn't last that long. I kinda distracted myself though, instead of healing what was bothering me.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 74:

No healing pains today. That's good. Tired because I didn't get sleep last night. Learned a lot about the sick mind control stuff the powerful elite get up to after trying to learn more about the occult imagery of Jeffery Einstein's rape island. Pretty sickening stuff. My heart goes out to all the MK Ultra and Monarch program victims.

Anyway, I'm hoping that once I'm done donating plasma by the end of the month and once classes begin, I can create a normalized routine more easily. The plasma donations forced me to wake up earlier and fucked up my sleep cycle. But it's worth it to get the money I need for UMS. Once I'm on that program, I expect to start making some real money. I intend to go on it for a whole year to make the money I need. But I've said all this shit before. Really, I got nothing new to say today, other than that I finally made enough money to afford UMS, but I still gotta cash it in from the BPL card, which is difficult. Basically, I gotta go to like Wal Mart or whatever and withdraw the money as a cash back thing. So annoying. Only way to get the cash though, can't go to a bank. Then I gotta take that money to the bank and deposit it. But I'm in no rush because I intend to go on E3 until at least day 90.

Also, getting a new dog today. Whatever, seems to make mom happy. Cats probably wont like it though. But whatever, they'll get used to it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I realize that a big part of what has always been an issue with the relationship I had with my friend was the belief I'm not good enough for her, because I believe I am not good enough, period. I have GOT to change this belief! GOT TO.

EDIT: Minor healing pains, brought on by reading some cringey nice guy friendzoned chump quotes that remind me of how cringey I was. Mild. I'll get over it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 75: Just woke up. Been experiencing mild healing pains.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I thought I was making great strides in dealing with the whole friendship breakup thing, but I still feel bad about it. I blame myself and mildly still beat myself up over it. I've gotta remind myself that I now take responsibility for how I act and have thusly changed. But I still feel bad about it. I regret my past behaviour and choices and I don't know what to do about this regret.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Something tells me UMS is going to feel like hell. I hope I'm wrong.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I need to let go, but I intend to reconcile, once I get better, with the Becoming Method.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Healing pains. Wounds re-opened.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 76:

Just did two mock interviews today. I did good! Especially on the first interviewer. I really impressed her.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 77:

I gotta get the money off of the BPL card and transfer it to my bank so I can buy UMS. At day 90, I will switch to UMS.

No healing pains today, so far. Been lazy AF though. Got stuff to do that I'm not doing.Just sleeping and watching YT vids on my computer. Hopefully, UMS will motivate me to do stuff towards making money.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I keep having dreams where I'm voiceless and either immobile or moving in weird inefficient ways, because I can't move normally.

 EDIT: It has come to my attention this post violates rule number 4. Have deleted.