EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 35:

So far, so good. I swear the heavy listening to E3 has lowered my self hatred lately. Things that used to set off feelings of guilt, shame and self loathing now only give me a minor twinge of shame/regret. I think e3 is working and I think playing it whenever I have one of those feelings (which was a lot) has decreased those feelings significantly when facing the same types of triggers. It's like, I still have the same triggers, but those triggers no longer trigger self loathing, just mild twinges of negative feeling. I'm significantly less affected lately by things that used to really put me into a state of self loathing.

[Shannon]

That's what I like to hear. Keep going!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 37, technically:

I've been so busy practicing guitar, I forgot to post something in my E3 journal. It goes well so far. I'm moving my focus away from the friendship breakup and towards a new goal: Oni Brigade. I remember Shannon saying "What you choose is what you get" Well then I choose to become a successful musician. I'm gonna learn guitar, come hell or high water and I'm gonna start a band. I've even got a name for it (mentioned already) We'll play industrial groove metal and wear Japanese Henya masks and Military garb. And our focus will be on building a reputation based on amazing live performances. Because that's honestly what I want to do with my life. No kidding. And I know it will take years to achieve this goal, but if there's anything I'm learning from this site, it's that you can have what you want in life and there's no such thing as luck. I'm going to create my vision, slowly but surely. So I've been practicing guitar, all day. Because that's step 1: learn to play the guitar. It has been MIND NUMBING, but I'm keeping at it. I've got a vision and I'm going to bring it into fruition, because I know I CAN. Thank you Shannon for helping me to realize this. Thanks to everyone else who has been supporting me as well.

[Griffin]

I am really rooting for you man, and if possible I will go to your live show!
I love the idea of Japanese Japanese hannya(I presume?) and military garb!

Just know that with your inner strength and the cheat code in life(subliminals) you will have what many other successful musicians don't have so Success is inevitable!

Good luck and success!

Griffin

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I am really rooting for you man, and if possible I will go to your live show!
I love the idea of Japanese Japanese hannya(I presume?) and military garb!

Just know that with your inner strength and the cheat code in life(subliminals) you will have what many other successful musicians don't have so Success is inevitable!

Good luck and success!

Griffin

Thanks, realistically though, even with subs, it'll take years. But I'm willing to take the time. It's a long term goal, but I've got good plans for how to get there and I've got plenty of time. And I got these subs. And the becoming method, although I'll have to learn that too, along with A LOT of other things to pull this idea of mine off: guitar, MIDI keyboard, singing, grunting, growling, blending those into distorted singing, doing that all while playing, programming drums and industrial music, finger drumming, recording, making merch, etc. Fortunately, I think I have all the resources and time I need to do all that. But it will take time. Lots of time. And diligence, which I haven't been known for in the past, but I intend to have now. I used to envy people who grew up in first world, well off European cities. Now I see that all this time, Tampa, Florida has been the right city for me all along, because for all it's flaws, Tampa is a metal city, and it's a good place to start a metal band. And a good place to start building a reputation. If I had grown up in say the Netherlands, I might not be able to get my dream off the ground, even after I learn all that shit above. I'm starting to see now why I was born here. And I'm starting to appreciate it.

[Shannon]

Day 37, technically:

I've been so busy practicing guitar, I forgot to post something in my E3 journal. It goes well so far. I'm moving my focus away from the friendship breakup and towards a new goal: Oni Brigade. I remember Shannon saying "What you choose is what you get" Well then I choose to become a successful musician. I'm gonna learn guitar, come hell or high water and I'm gonna start a band. I've even got a name for it (mentioned already) We'll play industrial groove metal and wear Japanese Henya masks and Military garb. And our focus will be on building a reputation based on amazing live performances. Because that's honestly what I want to do with my life. No kidding. And I know it will take years to achieve this goal, but if there's anything I'm learning from this site, it's that  you can have what you want in life and there's no such thing as luck. I'm going to create my vision, slowly but surely. So I've been practicing guitar, all day. Because that's step 1: learn to play the guitar. It has been MIND NUMBING, but I'm keeping at it. I've got a vision and I'm going to bring it into fruition, because I know I CAN. Thank you Shannon for helping me to realize this. Thanks to everyone else who has been supporting me as well.

Thank YOU for using the tools I created to improve your life.

[Have at ye]

Cool, man! To expedite learning guitar, find a set of exercises that develop muscle, flexibility and coordination in your hands - you can practice these even without an instrument. Roughly 90% of early work in learning guitar is developing the hands, especially the fretting one - afterwards, everything becomes way easier, because it then becomes a matter of hand-eye coordination. You should be able to find some solid stuff in the Interwebz. And you don't need that many fancy scales or anything for proper rokkin' \m/

Apart from that, watch for any undue physical tension while practicing, especially in the forearms, shoulders, back and neck. Whenever you feel anything straining when it shouldn't, take a break, loosen up, try to rock some more after whilst avoiding such. This happens quite often when learning guitar, especially when you're self-learning, so it's best to watch for it from the get go, as undue tension can be a royal PITA to untrain at a later time, once habits start setting in.

Give yourself permission to be a bit sloppy at first, sharpness with heavy distortion takes time to master. Channel your inner Hendrix, and then work from there.

All the best!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks man. Right now, I'm just practicing the same riff to Thunderkiss 65 by White Zombie over and over and over and over again, trying to nail it. My intention is to slowly master the rhythm part of the song, then move on to Black Sunshine, then Welcome to Planet Motherf****r, then Soulcrusher, then the leads to Thunderkiss 65, then Master of Puppets, then every song on the "...And Justice for All" album. And I'm just practicing these songs, one at a time, riff by riff, piece by piece, slowly moving my way there. I'm playing the riff at a slower speed so I can play with precision. I'll take your advice into account. Once I get a stable enough practice routine, I'll try to work fingering exercises into my regimen. That's my plan anyway. I'm hoping it'll work out.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 37, technically:

I've been so busy practicing guitar, I forgot to post something in my E3 journal. It goes well so far. I'm moving my focus away from the friendship breakup and towards a new goal: Oni Brigade. I remember Shannon saying "What you choose is what you get" Well then I choose to become a successful musician. I'm gonna learn guitar, come hell or high water and I'm gonna start a band. I've even got a name for it (mentioned already) We'll play industrial groove metal and wear Japanese Henya masks and Military garb. And our focus will be on building a reputation based on amazing live performances. Because that's honestly what I want to do with my life. No kidding. And I know it will take years to achieve this goal, but if there's anything I'm learning from this site, it's that  you can have what you want in life and there's no such thing as luck. I'm going to create my vision, slowly but surely. So I've been practicing guitar, all day. Because that's step 1: learn to play the guitar. It has been MIND NUMBING, but I'm keeping at it. I've got a vision and I'm going to bring it into fruition, because I know I CAN. Thank you Shannon for helping me to realize this. Thanks to everyone else who has been supporting me as well.

Thank YOU for using the tools I created to improve your life.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 37, again:

Been practicing guitar all day. Feeling better lately than I have in a long time. Starting to accept myself while still striving to improve I think. I dunno EXACTLY where I'm at in the healing process (partially because I haven't been ruminating on it) but it's very clear to me that I'm coming along quite nicely.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

@Shannon I've noticed that practicing guitar drains me mentally REALLY fast and I'm starting to wonder... does all the mental energy needed for practice get used up by E3's programming? Just curious if E3's playing a role in how quickly I'm getting mentally wiped out by practicing the same riff over and over?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Starting to think about the friendship breakup again. Did I really deserve better when I was so bad a friend myself? What happened hurts. There's a lot of pain and a bit of anger in it. Like, I loved her and she just left with this: "Don't put me on a pedestal and cry when I fall down. It's not hard to love until the hard times roll around" and then had refused to ever speak to me again. It hurts so bad to love someone so much and be just thrown away like trash, even though I did a lot to deserve it. So I wonder, did I deserve that? Did I really? Even though I was a bad friend to her, I legitimately DO love her. That's why it's so painful she won't even acknowledge my existence when I beg for forgiveness. It's like, I mean so little to her that she can just do that. And it hurts so bad. I'm running E3 right now to help me through this. Running E3 during moments like this has helped A LOT.

[Have at ye]

@Shannon  I've noticed that practicing guitar drains me mentally REALLY fast and I'm starting to wonder... does all the mental energy needed for practice get used up by E3's programming? Just curious if E3's playing a role in how quickly I'm getting mentally wiped out by practicing the same riff over and over?

It isn't necessarily the sub. Learning an instrument is a very demanding task for the nervous system and takes up a lot of brainpower, especially in the beginning.

Gets better with time and practice, though.

Also you might want to mix it up a bit more, maybe throw in some, *cough cough*, fingering exercises every now and again (just find the tabs for the blues pentatonic scale in the Interwebz and have a ball; you can do some serious rokkin' based on just that), and don't forget to doodle around for the heck of it every once in a while.

Actually, in the beginning, it's best to practice in stretches of 20-30 minutes max, and then take a break. Do some sit-ups or something. Sure, lotsa guys (and gals) tend to work their instruments for hours on end, but *they've been doing this shit for years*.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I should mention she has a husband. What was I expecting, right? Love makes you do crazy things. Please don't judge me.

I dunno what's more painful: the thought that I don't deserve what happened or the thought that I totally DO. I somehow feel both simultaneously. I wish she cared about the pain she caused me by just casting me aside like that. I wish she understood it. What kills me, is she had a friend unceremoniously friend dump her out of the blue too. So she should know how it feels. I wish she'd experience it again, and again and again, until she had sympathy for others going through it. Which is a shitty thing to wish on someone I love. I'm just hurt. Hurt I matter so little to her and hurt that even after having gone through HELL herself after having such a thing happen to her, she would put me through the same hell. I will NEVER do to someone else what she did to me, no matter how bad they are. That doesn't mean I'll put up with ill treatment, but I won't just cast them aside like that. Never. I'll never do that to somebody. There HAS to be another way. I wish I had felt sympathy for what SHE had gone through when it happened to her. I wish she could have sympathy for me struggling with this right now. What kills me is she looks down on people who are drowning. She was so fortunate. She had a therapist worth their weight in gold, and most of us will NEVER find a therapist that good. And she judges people for not seeking help. But she never SOUGHT help. She was forced to see a therapist and took forever to start working with said therapist. How could she be so judgmental against people who are in a position she herself was once in?


I know, it doesn't matter now and I need to GET OVER IT. I'm running E3 multiple times before I go to bed and run the 3 loops in my sleep. I need more of E3's help. I was doing so good! And I can do good again. I can get through this. I can let this go. I have to. There's nothing else I can do about it. Even if we became friends again, she'd still judge others like that, me included. She holds judgement for others that she doesn't for herself and understanding for herself that she doesn't hold for others. And you know what? I DON'T deserve that, no matter how bad I was. And neither does she, or anyone else. We ALL have it in us to, under the right conditions, reach low points and be shitty versions of ourselves. But we all deserve patience, forgiveness and understanding. And compassion. I'm angry for the reason ANYBODY gets angry: because there is a love gone unrequited. Unrequited love is at the heart of all anger.

Shannon's right, I do need to accept that I deserved better and let it go. Even though I did SO MUCH WRONG and missed the mark SO BADLY... I deserved better. We all deserve better than to be cast out and looked down upon when we mess up and miss the mark. I deserve somebody who understands me and loves me enough to forgive me. The question is: can I do this for MYSELF? It's about time I do. I can love and accept myself without giving up my striving. I learned that from Shannon and Greenduck. I missed the mark. I missed it SO BAD. And it's okay. I deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to be understood. I deserve compassion. I deserve sympathy. I deserve love. And if I can't get that from her, I can still get it from myself.

I just have to remind myself: no matter what I did wrong, I DESERVE better. We all do. Shannon's right. I just need to accept it. Accept it and move forward. I need to let her go.