EIP and Max learning, achieving some goals

[Benjamin]

You're still here, you're still working on it.. and making progress.. that is the most important thing. You can do it!

[mat422]

You're still here, you're still working on it.. and making progress.. that is the most important thing. You can do it!

Thanks Ben!

[mat422]

Something I'm always debating in my head is what I can change vs what I can't in myself. I've learned that there were a lot of destructive habits and mindsets I had that could change, but at the time I thought they were permanent. But I'm always wondering about my highly sensitive nature. If that's something that can also be changed.

Sometimes I can be a bit reluctant to accepting things when they differ from what society expects of a person. So I might end up fighting a losing battle and stressing myself out trying to change something that cannot be changed. My sensitivity isn't just in the emotional sense, any kind of over stimulation can wear me out. Places with lots of people can be draining. There's a lot of stuff that is hard for me to do because of my heightened sensitivity. My first job was cashiering and it was hell on my body and mind. I don't think I can work retail, too many people coming and going, belligerent customers, angry managers, etc. It's tempting to think because I can't really work in a retail environment that I'm some kind of failure. Like I should be able to do this like everyone else.

I guess that's been a lot of my life. Feeling like I'm not fitting in like I'm supposed to and feeling like it's all my fault. I think I need to work on focusing on my strengths instead of feeling bad about my weaknesses.

[mat422]

So I pretty much further deconstructed in my head what sensitivity is for me. I've realized that maybe I am more sensitive, but ultimately it's my reaction to external events that influences my mood and stress levels. I may not be able to brush things off as easily as other people, but I can certainly work at getting better at being non-reactive to negative events or anxiety provoking events in general.

Basically if I can get to a position where I'm ok with myself and don't feel that internal pressure to twist myself to conform to different environments, I feel like I could thrive in almost any environment. I have a very bad habit of people pleasing behavior. This stems from my more quiet nature and how over the years I'd always get people prodding me for answers on why I was so quiet or assuming I was aloof. So essentially who I am naturally has been covered up over the years in order to make other people more comfortable around me at the expense of my own comfort. I'm pretty much sick of it. And they didn't do this to me, I did it to myself.

The other thing I realized is my aversion to being more dominant has kind of faded away because I understand how brutal and uncaring people out in the real world can be. Generally I am a caring and humble person, I don't want to feel like I'm intimidating in anyway. But sometimes other people see that as weakness and you just become a target. If you don't give off that subtle vibe of "Don't mess with me" they think it's ok to push you around or take advantage of you. I'd rather avoid all the petty stuff and give them a warning sign right off the bat.

In general I detest power dynamics and playing the who's got more power game. It's why I really dislike any authority figures. We're all humans, just because you're higher up in some managerial system doesn't make you better than me. Sometimes you just need that little bit of edge to make it in this world. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly a lot of my idealistic visions of this world don't match up with reality. I never really realized just how important some of the concepts in the alpha training were because I was coming from my own perspective and failed to realize what it's really like out in the world and how you need these traits if you don't want to be chewed up and spit out.

[QuantumEnthusiast]

So I pretty much further deconstructed in my head what sensitivity is for me. I've realized that maybe I am more sensitive, but ultimately it's my reaction to external events that influences my mood and stress levels. I may not be able to brush things off as easily as other people, but I can certainly work at getting better at being non-reactive to negative events or anxiety provoking events in general.

Basically if I can get to a position where I'm ok with myself and don't feel that internal pressure to twist myself to conform to different environments, I feel like I could thrive in almost any environment. I have a very bad habit of people pleasing behavior. This stems from my more quiet nature and how over the years I'd always get people prodding me for answers on why I was so quiet or assuming I was aloof. So essentially who I am naturally has been covered up over the years in order to make other people more comfortable around me at the expense of my own comfort. I'm pretty much sick of it. And they didn't do this to me, I did it to myself.

The other thing I realized is my aversion to being more dominant has kind of faded away because I understand how brutal and uncaring people out in the real world can be. Generally I am a caring and humble person, I don't want to feel like I'm intimidating in anyway. But sometimes other people see that as weakness and you just become a target. If you don't give off that subtle vibe of "Don't mess with me" they think it's ok to push you around or take advantage of you. I'd rather avoid all the petty stuff and give them a warning sign right off the bat.

In general I detest power dynamics and playing the who's got more power game. It's why I really dislike any authority figures. We're all humans, just because you're higher up in some managerial system doesn't make you better than me. Sometimes you just need that little bit of edge to make it in this world. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly a lot of my idealistic visions of this world don't match up with reality. I never really realized just how important some of the concepts in the alpha training were because I was coming from my own perspective and failed to realize what it's really like out in the world and how you need these traits if you don't want to be chewed up and spit out.

Seriously man, you sound like you could be my identical twin or another me. Hahahah it's not even funny at this point, no jokes. Keep going though man, I love what you've written here. If you don't mind me asking, when is your birthday?

[mat422]

So I pretty much further deconstructed in my head what sensitivity is for me. I've realized that maybe I am more sensitive, but ultimately it's my reaction to external events that influences my mood and stress levels. I may not be able to brush things off as easily as other people, but I can certainly work at getting better at being non-reactive to negative events or anxiety provoking events in general.

Basically if I can get to a position where I'm ok with myself and don't feel that internal pressure to twist myself to conform to different environments, I feel like I could thrive in almost any environment. I have a very bad habit of people pleasing behavior. This stems from my more quiet nature and how over the years I'd always get people prodding me for answers on why I was so quiet or assuming I was aloof. So essentially who I am naturally has been covered up over the years in order to make other people more comfortable around me at the expense of my own comfort. I'm pretty much sick of it. And they didn't do this to me, I did it to myself.

The other thing I realized is my aversion to being more dominant has kind of faded away because I understand how brutal and uncaring people out in the real world can be. Generally I am a caring and humble person, I don't want to feel like I'm intimidating in anyway. But sometimes other people see that as weakness and you just become a target. If you don't give off that subtle vibe of "Don't mess with me" they think it's ok to push you around or take advantage of you. I'd rather avoid all the petty stuff and give them a warning sign right off the bat.

In general I detest power dynamics and playing the who's got more power game. It's why I really dislike any authority figures. We're all humans, just because you're higher up in some managerial system doesn't make you better than me. Sometimes you just need that little bit of edge to make it in this world. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly a lot of my idealistic visions of this world don't match up with reality. I never really realized just how important some of the concepts in the alpha training were because I was coming from my own perspective and failed to realize what it's really like out in the world and how you need these traits if you don't want to be chewed up and spit out.

Seriously man, you sound like you could be my identical twin or another me. Hahahah it's not even funny at this point, no jokes. Keep going though man, I love what you've written here. If you don't mind me asking, when is your birthday?

Haha, yeah it's always crazy how two different people can share such a similar experience. Just goes to show how certain personalities are treated in this world. My birthday is april 22 1991.

[QuantumEnthusiast]

So I pretty much further deconstructed in my head what sensitivity is for me. I've realized that maybe I am more sensitive, but ultimately it's my reaction to external events that influences my mood and stress levels. I may not be able to brush things off as easily as other people, but I can certainly work at getting better at being non-reactive to negative events or anxiety provoking events in general.

Basically if I can get to a position where I'm ok with myself and don't feel that internal pressure to twist myself to conform to different environments, I feel like I could thrive in almost any environment. I have a very bad habit of people pleasing behavior. This stems from my more quiet nature and how over the years I'd always get people prodding me for answers on why I was so quiet or assuming I was aloof. So essentially who I am naturally has been covered up over the years in order to make other people more comfortable around me at the expense of my own comfort. I'm pretty much sick of it. And they didn't do this to me, I did it to myself.

The other thing I realized is my aversion to being more dominant has kind of faded away because I understand how brutal and uncaring people out in the real world can be. Generally I am a caring and humble person, I don't want to feel like I'm intimidating in anyway. But sometimes other people see that as weakness and you just become a target. If you don't give off that subtle vibe of "Don't mess with me" they think it's ok to push you around or take advantage of you. I'd rather avoid all the petty stuff and give them a warning sign right off the bat.

In general I detest power dynamics and playing the who's got more power game. It's why I really dislike any authority figures. We're all humans, just because you're higher up in some managerial system doesn't make you better than me. Sometimes you just need that little bit of edge to make it in this world. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly a lot of my idealistic visions of this world don't match up with reality. I never really realized just how important some of the concepts in the alpha training were because I was coming from my own perspective and failed to realize what it's really like out in the world and how you need these traits if you don't want to be chewed up and spit out.

Seriously man, you sound like you could be my identical twin or another me. Hahahah it's not even funny at this point, no jokes. Keep going though man, I love what you've written here. If you don't mind me asking, when is your birthday?

Haha, yeah it's always crazy how two different people can share such a similar experience. Just goes to show how certain personalities are treated in this world. My birthday is april 22 1991.

Hahah tell me about it, pretty crazy. Ah so you're a taurus :p I'm a cancer. Btw way back, I used to be into astrology but back then I thought those aspects are things you can't change; as if it's set in stone. Now that I know this isn't the case, I look at it as a helpful resource. I started using astrology to help me figure out my signs weaknesses and they've been pretty spot on. It's been helpful for me in that sense if you want to look into it to help you on your journey.

Either way, I'm happy for all your changes and realizations bro I bet it feels great to come to realize these things aye? I look forward to further updates because reading them help me reaffirm certain things for myself as well. So thanks for taking the time to share them as they are happening!

[mat422]

So I pretty much further deconstructed in my head what sensitivity is for me. I've realized that maybe I am more sensitive, but ultimately it's my reaction to external events that influences my mood and stress levels. I may not be able to brush things off as easily as other people, but I can certainly work at getting better at being non-reactive to negative events or anxiety provoking events in general.

Basically if I can get to a position where I'm ok with myself and don't feel that internal pressure to twist myself to conform to different environments, I feel like I could thrive in almost any environment. I have a very bad habit of people pleasing behavior. This stems from my more quiet nature and how over the years I'd always get people prodding me for answers on why I was so quiet or assuming I was aloof. So essentially who I am naturally has been covered up over the years in order to make other people more comfortable around me at the expense of my own comfort. I'm pretty much sick of it. And they didn't do this to me, I did it to myself.

The other thing I realized is my aversion to being more dominant has kind of faded away because I understand how brutal and uncaring people out in the real world can be. Generally I am a caring and humble person, I don't want to feel like I'm intimidating in anyway. But sometimes other people see that as weakness and you just become a target. If you don't give off that subtle vibe of "Don't mess with me" they think it's ok to push you around or take advantage of you. I'd rather avoid all the petty stuff and give them a warning sign right off the bat.

In general I detest power dynamics and playing the who's got more power game. It's why I really dislike any authority figures. We're all humans, just because you're higher up in some managerial system doesn't make you better than me. Sometimes you just need that little bit of edge to make it in this world. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly a lot of my idealistic visions of this world don't match up with reality. I never really realized just how important some of the concepts in the alpha training were because I was coming from my own perspective and failed to realize what it's really like out in the world and how you need these traits if you don't want to be chewed up and spit out.

Seriously man, you sound like you could be my identical twin or another me. Hahahah it's not even funny at this point, no jokes. Keep going though man, I love what you've written here. If you don't mind me asking, when is your birthday?

Haha, yeah it's always crazy how two different people can share such a similar experience. Just goes to show how certain personalities are treated in this world. My birthday is april 22 1991.

Hahah tell me about it, pretty crazy. Ah so you're a taurus :p I'm a cancer. Btw way back, I used to be into astrology but back then I thought those aspects are things you can't change; as if it's set in stone. Now that I know this isn't the case, I look at it as a helpful resource. I started using astrology to help me figure out my signs weaknesses and they've been pretty spot on. It's been helpful for me in that sense if you want to look into it to help you on your journey.

Either way, I'm happy for all your changes and realizations bro I bet it feels great to come to realize these things aye? I look forward to further updates because reading them help me reaffirm certain things for myself as well. So thanks for taking the time to share them as they are happening!

Astrology has always been interesting to me. But like you I tend to think that things are set in stone at times. I have to be in the right headspace when I read about that kind of stuff, otherwise I latch onto it as a form of security. It can be tough determining what are traits you're born with and which ones have come about because of life circumstances and beliefs.

It's always good when I get those epiphanies. Glad my posts help you out. Speaking of which I've realized another one.

I've been thinking about anxiety and my relationship with it. I honestly hate anxiety. So when I read advice like just accept it and allow it, I have a bit of trouble doing that. But my reaction to anxiety itself is just as much a problem as the anxious behavior. In my case I feel like there's been a lot of shame associated with having anxiety because it makes me weak somehow. There seems to be two components to my anxiety.

One has to do with myself. A kind of fear of negative evaluation from others, rejection, all that kind of stuff. It's mostly a fear of getting hurt. I find it hard to kind of just be open around people. This one goes a lot deeper. This one is the one that makes it hard for me to build strong bonds with people and be myself.

The other is my reaction to anxiety itself. By trying to fight the anxiety all the time I just create more anxiety and burn myself out. The fact is that I can't will myself to stop anxiety, if it's going to happen it's going to happen. It's like standing in front of a huge wave in the ocean and thinking I can stand up to it without being bulldozed down. In a way it sounds like a defeated attitude, but I've been around anxiety a lot and experience has shown me that you do not control your emotional state. You can certainly control your reaction to it, but the actual emotional state you can't.

So where that leaves me. Working on accepting my anxiety and realizing my fight with it only makes it worse. And continuing to listen to the subliminal to address the more deeper root causes of why I have the anxiety in the first place. I think it's been so hard for me because I want to get rid of the anxiety so bad and I wasn't accepting that it takes time and I can't force myself to be anxiety free. Even typing this now in the back of my head I keep thinking that it's wrong and accepting anxiety is wrong because it means I didn't solve it. It shows how much resistance I still have to it and how much mental effort is spent trying to suppress it.

It's funny because I see parallels with my self improvement and music. A lot of the time I avoid my music because I feel it's not good enough and forget that it takes a while to improve and get better. In the meantime I have to accept where I am skill wise. It's the same for my self improvement, I have trouble seeing this as a long term thing. I think one day it'll all just click and I'll be perfectly ok. But the truth is I can't force myself to change any faster than I'm able to. That's really important to keep in mind, especially on the days that are worse. It's way too easy to take one mistake or upset and forget it's just a small snapshot in time and it's not permanent. No doubt this is again my perfectionist mentality imposing itself on my life. I think I'm very driven towards being the best I can be, but I have to learn to balance it and also acknowledge that it's perfectly fine if I'm not there yet, all that matters is that I keep striving for it.

[mat422]

Something that's embarrassing for me to admit but needs to be said. I have a tendency to ignore problems. For example I'm currently unemployed and what would be the reasonable mature thing to do? Get a job. But for me it's like dragging a kid kicking and screaming. The crappy part is I'm giving myself more anxiety by avoiding the very thing that will give me financial stability.

So I took a good hard look at things the other day and I realized there's still a lot of anxiety and fear surrounding these things. But I pushed it out of my awareness by kind of making a bubble for myself. At least when you're feeling anxiety you can act upon it or ask yourself what needs to be done. The dangerous territory is when it sinks deeper into your subconscious and you delude yourself into believing things are going better than they actually are. Then your subconscious plays tricks on you and coerces you into sinking back into that comfort zone.

This all pretty much hit me one day while I was working on some music. I was making a track and feeling pretty good at what I created. Then I realized that my music is escapist behavior. But I rationalized it by saying that I was improving upon a skill and it was hard work, therefore it wasn't bad. But the truth is, if I'm not financially stable and don't have a job and I'm turning to music as a way to shut out that harsh reality, then what I'm doing is escapist behavior. On top of that I recognized obsessive behavior with my music, not in a good way. Like if I didn't finish a song I'd ruminate all day about it until I could get back to it and I wouldn't feel relief until I finished it. It's not good because my brain can't multitask in this state. When it's intensely focused on one thing, there isn't any room to switch gears. It has it's upsides though, I'm a very hyper focused worker when I get into something and can work for hours. The huge issues is the stress that comes about when I'm away from it. The question is when is making music a passion vs an obsession? In my case I'd have to say that it's an unhealthy obsession because other aspects of my life are neglected.

[mat422]

The one thing I don't understand in my life is why fear? Maybe because of my parents growing up. But it seems like I'm always afraid of things going horribly instead of focusing on what positive things could happen. It's so obvious, why focus on the negative and fear? But I feel like it's one of those things I'm having trouble changing.

Maybe it's because my life has been consistently filled with fear. It's all I really know. I'm trying to take the things I fear and switch them to the positive. This way I'm not constantly creating more anxiety and panic in my life by dwelling on those things.

[mat422]

So something I'm coming to realize, and I hope I internalize more from now on, is how utterly useless worrying is. Worrying saps my energy and causes me to focus on the negative instead of the positive. I used to think that it prepared me for the worst and I was actually better off worrying because it made me aware. Now I've realized what happens will happen and I'm better off addressing things from a calm relaxed state of mind. Worrying is deceptive because it seems like I'm preparing or being responsible. But it's nothing more than a poor use of the power of my mind. And the irony of worrying is, the more you worry the more likely you'll start manifesting that type of thing in your life.

I definitely think I was taught to worry from my parents. Especially my dad. He is a chronic worrier and being around him I feel like I internalized so much fear. It gets a little absurd when you realize how worry has you strung up like a puppet and dictating your action.

[mat422]

I've noticed I still have a lot of doubt and lack of trust in myself. I'm trying to be honest with myself so I can see where I need to improve, but also not get sucked into that bottomless pit of negativity that I've become so familiar with. It's a careful balance. Too much non stop positivity can be a sort of band aid for avoiding deeper negative feelings. And too many negative feelings without resolution just turns into wallowing. And I've done a lot of wallowing thinking I was somehow releasing that emotion.

Also I was wondering how much you go on auto-pilot after using these subliminals for a while. Does it just become another way of being? It seems like I still have to provide some conscious intervention as my negative habits aren't completely removed yet. Like I haven't fully stepped into a reality where I'm happy and achieving my goals, it sort of still feels like pretend. Lately I've been making a habit of turning my mind to what I want in my life every time I think of what I don't want. So if I feel like I'll never make good enough music I just visualize in my mind making good music and enjoying it. It's almost like writing a script for my life. I figure it's good to tackle things from both ends, the conscious and subconscious. I've found that my conscious mind has become very adept at creating negative scenarios. And admittedly I've neglected it because I always felt like subliminals would take care of everything, but waiting around for the negative to automatically go away was kind of stupid on my part.

Anyway I'm slowly realizing how people tend to set their own limits and how those limits are nothing but beliefs. The hard part is, it's not always just what you think in your own head. You're also subject to the pressure from others who will impose their beliefs on you as well. So you always have to be aware when people talk as if they are an authority on a particular matter. Particularly the ones who have been burned by life and want to make everyone as miserable as them. Those people are the worst, instead of taking responsibility they just want to drag everyone else down to make themselves feel better.

[mat422]

Reality kind of slapped me in the face these past few days. I was doing pretty well and making forward progress, I thought I had my anxiety under control. But I've realized although it's better and I don't get a racing heart or anything, it's like this chronic tension. To be honest it's exhausting and it's very involuntary. Relaxing doesn't work and the longer I'm in that anxiety provoking event, the more time I need to recover. The problem is, life doesn't work like that. So here's what's been going on.

I got this sort of part time job working with this contractor. It's only been three days, but there was a lot of heavy lifting and manual labor. The first day was like adrenal overload, I'm always anxious with new or unfamiliar things, but I managed. The second day I was really exhausted from both the physical work and the anxiety the previous day and the anxiety that was still around. The third day I woke up with an awful migraine, went to work anyway to see if I could work it off. It just got worse and laboring through the tasks was torture.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm probably not cut out for intense physical labor. Screw it, if I'm less of a man for not being able to keep up with other guys I don't care. It doesn't work. And I think the reason is because of my anxiety. I'm trying not to use it as an excuse here, but it really does weaken my body and delay my ability to recover properly.

The only upside to all this is I finally feel like I pushed some boundaries that I was afraid of and now other jobs don't seem like they would be as bad. Still one of my major stumbling blocks is my intense fatigue getting up in the mornings combined with depression. 8 hours of sleep isn't enough for me. I don't know if that's me or if it's because I'm running this subliminal. But I tend to land myself into a bad cycle where waking up in the morning feels so awful, I'm anxious going to sleep. And this anxiety ruins my sleep quality.

And one more thing. I was talking to the older guy I was working with at the job site and I realized I severely undervalue myself. I mean his impression of me was that I had a good head on my shoulders and based on that alone I was better off than a lot of other workers out there. I've had people tell me I'm a great worker, reliable, smart, but it's never felt genuine to me. And I think this is still tied to my self worth issues, which I'm realizing are still around.

Anyway before this gets any longer. I'm still struggling with a lot of stuff. The biggest problem is that pushing isn't always the answer, because sometimes it makes things worse. People have this misconception that if you keep pushing and pushing eventually you break free. But I've found more often than not it just leads to burnout and you're in a worse place. I'll have to see what happens. Worst thing is I do a few more jobs with the contractor and let the guy know I can't handle it. He's better off with someone that can anyway.

[mat422]

Had some seriously brutal anxiety these past few days along with a lot of fatigue. I'm trying to work through this stuff, but I think the most difficult thing is not really having control over what goes on. It's been making it hard to focus and even when I can I can't shake the anxiety, so I do what I have to do but it feels like I'm not getting enough rest or relief. The one thing I try to do is remain as relaxed as possible and accept it without fighting it.

Lately I've been working on my music more and I'm hitting the familiar blocks I'm always running into. It just always seems like no matter how hard I try to change my mindset or take it easy, I'm always getting swept up in the "not good enough" type of emotions that make me feel like crap when I can't do something right or I compare my work to people who are better than me. It holds me back because there's always reluctance to finish or start a new project because it feels like pulling teeth. I know a lot of musicians run into this problem and the solution is to do more work. But I'll literally fall asleep at my computer working on a song because I'll get so burned out.

The other weird thing is that sometimes when I'm relaxing or closing my eyes for a few brief minutes, musical ideas will pop into my head. But as soon as I try to bring them into reality, it's like they disappear or I can't remember them as well. My only guess is that deep down I still have a lot of fear associated with my music. In my head it's not exactly real, but as soon as I create something real the flaws become more apparent and that's when the anxiety sets in and blocks my creative flow.