EIP and Max learning, achieving some goals

[mat422]

Really psyched to run this combo. I think this will really do me some good.

A little background on me. I've had a lot of people over the years call me intelligent. I might be, I might not be. But I know for a fact that work ethic trumps intelligence alone about 90% of the time. I have no idea why my work ethic sucks so bad or why my ability to learn is crippled so bad, but it is. I've always been kinda slow. Easily overwhelmed too. If most people's brains run with the efficiency of a quad core processor, mines more like a single core. I've wondered if I might have some form of ADD, but it didn't really matter to me because just about the only solution to that is to stick you on medication. With my recent run of taking an anti-depressant I've started to really hate medications anyway. Too many side effects, just feels like a poison in my body.

Anyway one thing about me is if I'm really into something and the stars align just right, I can go for hours in an almost hyper focused state. But once I leave whatever it was I was doing it's like pulling teeth trying to get me to go back to it. Needless to say I don't achieve much. Jack of all trades kind of guy here.

So all that being said what inspired me to run this Everything Is Possible and Max Learning combo is my passion for electronic music. I've realized recently that music is my passion and I just kept putting it on the back burner. For some people I guess music is a hobby, but for me it's always been more and felt like more. The thing with passions is, some you can live off of and others you can't as easily. Some people have a passion for sciences and engineering with jobs readily available. But my passion is harder to make a profit off of. It leaves me in a challenging situation, but one I'm working on solving.

Basically I'm trying to break away from the black and white thinking of starving artist vs full time career with dead dreams. For most of my life I've been "realistic". That burning desire inside me would just be pushed down because I wasn't being "realistic". What can I say, I've always been a dreamer type. Head up in the clouds but I'd keep it to myself because I know how brutal people can be. And over the years I've placed limits on what I can do.

I'm not planning on being a famous producer, though if fame finds me I'd welcome it with open arms haha. I'm just dedicated to perfecting my craft and reaching a level where I can create the kind of music that's in my head. At the same time I want to live a life where I don't feel like I'm slowly having the life squeezed out of me. I figured EIP would help me with that. Truth be told I don't have the best beliefs when it comes to financial stuff and general life satisfaction. Having seen both my parents work long hours growing up, in jobs they didn't care for, and live in a constant state of financial fear was not comforting. Deep down I still have those beliefs that I'll inevitably end up in a job that sucks, I'll have no time to pursue what I want, and I'll hate my life. Hell for most of my life I've been in a constant state of low grade panic, to me having a life I genuinely enjoy seems like an impossibility. I'm hoping I can switch that around and start to be fueled by positivity and enjoy my life.

[mat422]

Went to the doctor today. She wants to keep me on anti-depressants for another 2 months then go from there. Right now I'm on 25mg of sertraline, it's a really small dose. Truthfully I jumped the gun with the poison in my body statement in my last post. Side effects do suck and having a foreign substance in my body is less than comforting. But I can't deny that it's helped me immensely. I think it even helped me put up less resistance when I was running the emotional pain relief and healing sub.

It's tough knowing what to believe. I don't doubt for a second that antidepressants are pushed on people and big pharma makes a profit. But at the same time I've heard stories of people's lives being saved and improved from these things.

I've done a lot of work on myself over the years and I've never been able to really get to where I want to be. Taking these antidepressants has opened my eyes to a different world almost.

Some people say that antidepressants numb you. But that hasn't been my experience. Prior to taking them my emotions were quite limited, mostly getting snuffed out by the depression. Now I experience more depth and variety instead of feeling incredibly flat. If anything I have more insight into my emotions and thoughts now then I did before because depression was distorting everything.

I still don't know what I'm planning to do. But I'm hoping that while I'm taking these antidepressants all the restructuring of my thoughts and beliefs stick and I can get off of them. I find it hard to believe that I have a biological defect in my brain that causes depression out of nowhere. Then again the brain is an organ just like any other part of the body and not immune to its own issues.

[Shannon]

Check your diet. That's what your body uses to create your brain chemistry, and if it's out of whack for your biological needs, you can end up with depression as one possible outcome. Mine was too much carb/not enough protein. One possible option at least.

[Darwinn]

I know what you're talking about brah, meds can be of help and you gotta be confident in judging whether it's worth taking or not to kick the black dog. I would say in my case though (and in the case of others I've known) nothing quite helped like diet and very regular exercise.

I'd recommend a book called 'spark' by eric hagerman - explains the direct effect of exercise on brain chemistry, and shows how the combination can be like having high doses of anti depressants and amphetamines (for people with things like depression) but without the side effects. In fact it's almost identical (but yeah no horrible side effects and a lot of other things improve at the same time )

Only difficulty is mustering up the consistency to get these habits going while your down, which is where you might use the ads to lift you enough to start?

[Darwinn]

^^^ what he said

[JackOfHearts]

I have an easy way to check for sure how to have a better/perfect diet. In Vedic astrology they recognize 3 body type. Depending on which you are (not only one in general case) they are advise people to eat/avoid different food. In my current experience and knowledge with astrology I can't recognize which body type a person is when looking at a chart. But an expert surely can do it. So my advise would be that you go ask a professional which body type you are (Vata, Pitta or Kapha). You can go on this website, one question will cost 53$ (32gpb). You have nothing to lose because the transaction is done by Paypal, if you don't like her answer you take back your money.

Then when you know your body type, you will know with this book or various website on internet which food to eat and which to avoid.

This is by far the most precise method I know to know for sure which food is good for you. Astrology is very precise when done by an expert. They can even tell you at what second you were born precisely if you don't know it (it cost 140$ on their website).

If you don't want to spend that much money you can still do like me and study astrology yourself, but it will be much more longer.

[mat422]

Check your diet. That's what your body uses to create your brain chemistry, and if it's out of whack for your biological needs, you can end up with depression as one possible outcome. Mine was too much carb/not enough protein. One possible option at least.

Funny you mention that. I don't eat wheat, barley, or rye anymore. Still trying to figure out if it's gluten or if it's just carbs. But I've been off of it for a while now and it helped with depression a lot. Also pretty much got rid of my migraines. I've definitely been watching my diet more. Unfortunately it hasn't resolved everything.

I know what you're talking about brah, meds can be of help and you gotta be confident in judging whether it's worth taking or not to kick the black dog. I would say in my case though (and in the case of others I've known) nothing quite helped like diet and very regular exercise.

I'd recommend a book called 'spark' by eric hagerman - explains the direct effect of exercise on brain chemistry, and shows how the combination can be like having high doses of anti depressants and amphetamines (for people with things like depression) but without the side effects. In fact it's almost identical (but yeah no horrible side effects and a lot of other things improve at the same time )

Only difficulty is mustering up the consistency to get these habits going while your down, which is where you might use the ads to lift you enough to start?

That's pretty much the catch 22 in this situation. Exercise is great for depression, but exercising when depressed is incredibly difficult. Vigorous exercise at least. But I've been skateboarding a lot more and it's been helping.

I'll check that book out, seems interesting.

I have an easy way to check for sure how to have a better/perfect diet. In Vedic astrology they recognize 3 body type. Depending on which you are (not only one in general case) they are advise people to eat/avoid different food. In my current experience and knowledge with astrology I can't recognize which body type a person is when looking at a chart. But an expert surely can do it. So my advise would be that you go ask a professional which body type you are (Vata, Pitta or Kapha). You can go on this website, one question will cost 53$ (32gpb). You have nothing to lose because the transaction is done by Paypal, if you don't like her answer you take back your money.

Then when you know your body type, you will know with this book or various website on internet which food to eat and which to avoid.

This is by far the most precise method I know to know for sure which food is good for you. Astrology is very precise when done by an expert. They can even tell you at what second you were born precisely if you don't know it (it cost 140$ on their website).

If you don't want to spend that much money you can still do like me and study astrology yourself, but it will be much more longer.

Interesting. Never heard of that. I'll do some more research into that. Money is a little tight right now so somewhere down the road I'll look into it.

[mat422]

Been a few days. Just gonna post some updates on things I've noticed.

First of all I've been absolutely consuming info about sound design. One thing I've noticed is I can really focus on whats going on and get it, without feeling like I'm straining my brain. One of the biggest issues I'd always run into is getting overwhelmed when trying to learn new things and that triggers anxiety and stress and it's just no good. My skills are slowly improving.

Now the other thing is I'm feeling that it's more and more possible to reach the level of skill I desire with making music. One of my biggest blocks creatively is doubt, and how I constantly question every little thing I do when making music. It breaks the flow. Some days are better than others. I can still feel the occasional hopelessness and frustration when things aren't going right with the music. Particularly when I listen to one of my favorite artists and notice how much of a gap there is in my abilities. Still I'm noticing that those moments don't come as frequently as they used to.

I have to say that there are some downsides occurring, which might be due to my nature and the subliminal amplifying that. My brain is going nonstop trying to figure out things, which isn't too bad. But I notice that I can't let it go. So if I don't get something, my mind is pretty much centered on that 24/7 and stresses me out until I figure it out. I don't think it's particularly healthy, and I think I have to let go and let my subconscious mind take over instead of stressing over it. Kind of like when you can't remember the name of something and then go do something else and then it pops into your head.

I think part of it is I want to reach a point where I feel like my music is good enough so I don't have that frustration anymore. But I think I might be burning myself out and pushing myself too much. I noticed I was dead tired today because I didn't get much sleep and I was thinking about how I can get better. So in a nutshell, I think my desire to get better comes from two sides. One side wants to get better so I can express myself more accurately. The other side wants to get better so I can avoid the negative feelings associated with making crappy music. I tend to take my stuff too seriously and to some degree it is tied to my self worth, which I'm trying to get rid of.

[mat422]

More updates. Took my own advice and just chilled out with drilling myself so hard with figuring stuff out. So now I'm just focusing on relaxing and absorbing the info at my own pace without stressing myself.

One huge thing I realized is that it's not lack of info that's holding me back in my music as much. It's this fear of doing things wrong. Which is dumb because when it comes to something as subjective as music anything goes really. So now I'm trying to break into the mentality of nothing I'm doing is wrong, just all experimentation. It's been helping.

I think another sticking point is dealing with possibilities. The synth I'm working with has amazing sound design possibilities, but sometimes it's overwhelming because there are too many possibilities. I guess for some people a large variety is good, but for me I've always suffered from analysis paralysis. Limiting myself wouldn't really be the answer, I think I just have to learn to trust myself and make what I want to make, not what I feel like I should be making.

Oh yeah, another thing. Presets on synths can be amazingly good, but I have an aversion to using them because some of them I know I can't make or don't know how. I've always had this thing where I felt like I was cheating by using presets. It's really stupid, but it's coming from somewhere. It's probably linked to my unhealthy obsession with doing everything on my own and perfectionism.

All in all, it seems like these two subs are putting me in a good direction. A lot of mental hangups that are interfering with my work, but I feel like they are being slowly removed. I can honestly say that the max learning speed has influenced my ability to grasp concepts and apply them much faster. Looking back at the first few days I ran this sub I felt like my brain was incredibly fuzzy and I got this weird spaced out feeling. But today I'm feeling sharper and more focused.

Gotta say out of all the subs I've used I'm really enjoying these two. Probably because I already had some energy behind what I was trying to accomplish and the subs are giving me a huge boost.

[JackOfHearts]

I think you already know that meditation can help to stop useless chatter in the head. It's hard to pratice though. I'm curious about your personnality, I would love to check your personnality through astrology. If you are up to it I have created a thread in the chatter box about it.

[mat422]

I think you already know that meditation can help to stop useless chatter in the head. It's hard to pratice though. I'm curious about your personnality, I would love to check your personnality through astrology. If you are up to it I have created a thread in the chatter box about it.

For sure. I never really practiced meditation as strictly as I should. But I think I can spare 10 minutes every day to set aside and just enjoy the silence. I'll start doing that actually. Cool, I'll check it out. Astrology is always fun.

[mat422]

Weird dream last night. Maybe related to resistance from the everything is possible sub. Basically I was walking around with some guys I know in a huge crowded place. Cute girls everywhere. So we are just walking talking, generally fooling around. But every couple of minutes girls come up and approach them and show interest. Then they leave with the girls. I'm left wandering around on my own, pretty much invisible to any of the girls. Eventually I just sit up against a wall and watch everyone go about their business, as a spectator. Pretty much disconnected. Not really caring. But not in a good way, more in a real lack of interest because I feel like it's not even possible to get a long with most of the people there.

Here's what I think. I think I give off an energy of don't approach me a lot of the time. But deep down I want to make connections with people. So I have a very conflicted interaction with a lot of people. Something I really realized is that interacting with people more isn't really the answer because then I get good at interacting with people but it's mostly a skill and less of a natural state of my being. I really think the only way I'll be able to move past that conflicting feeling is to continue to work on myself and allow more people into my life. I can be very charismatic, but that's just the surface level. When people want to get to know me more I have a tendency to push them away. The worst part is I won't even realize I'm doing it sometimes.

But max learning seems to be helping out. I was skateboarding the other day and I was landing my tricks more consistently than usual. Learned a few tweaks with my technique too to make stuff easier. Music is still progressing. I realized I have to shift my focus into musical composition because even though sound design is important, it's nothing without good musical arrangement.

And seeing as how I've been attempting to meditate more I'm looking for ways that work for me. In general I need something to focus on and I have a strong connection with music and sound. So I found a youtube video with some nice tibetan bowls that's really relaxing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5dU6serXkg

I guarantee if you listen to it for just 5 minutes, you'll feel more centered and at peace. I read it's kind of like old school brainwave entrainment. I prefer it to the more modern brainwave entrainment, it just has a more ethereal feel to it.

[mat422]

Still learning new things. My attention has switched from sound design to musical composition now. I realized that as a producer I'm very critical of my sound, but I realized most listeners just want to hear something good and if you can compose a good track most people will overlook your sound design skills. Just trying to get back in touch with making music and not getting hung up on the fine details. It's good to be detail oriented, but sometimes it makes it impossible to complete stuff.

The good news is I'm almost done with a track I've been working on. Which is a step in the right direction because I have a really bad habit of not finishing what I start.

The other thing I realized is my lack of ability to concentrate well is because of anxiety. I'm unemployed at the moment and struggling financially a bit. Also paying off my student loans. It's hard to dive into my music because there's always that low level panic in the back of my head about running out of money and not being able to find work. But even when I was employed I still had that anxiety because I would dread work. Anxiety has always been an issue for me. Occasionally I can let it go and let things flow, but most of the time I have trouble.

I can focus on the present moment and enjoy it. But the problem is the present moment is a bit of a distraction from the issues I face. It's like taking a little vacation and it is relaxing. But when I come back I'm still facing the same issues.

It's hard to separate what's me vs the current state of the economy. I know it's not easy out there. But the line tends to get blurred and on top of that you've got people who criticize those struggling financially as people who aren't trying hard enough. It's one thing to play the victim and not even try. But it's a whole separate issue to have external circumstances messing up your quality of life and have the blame directed solely at yourself.

[mat422]

Max learning speed has been great so far. I'm able to apply a lot of techniques and my quality has improved. But my biggest struggle is still feeling the need to go back and perfect things in the middle of my composing process.

It's like writing. I was god awful with writing in school. Not in the sense that my work was bad, but it took me forever. I'd write a few sentences and read it over. Write a few more, and read it over. Finish a paragraph and read it over, etc. I never got into a state of flow. I was always too caught up in going back and making sure I was saying the right things and everything fit ok.

It's the same process with my music. And it's been crippling me. This is essentially how my brain works, but it's very dysfunctional and I feel like I really need to change it. Because at this rate I'll never get anything done.