EHPRA6

[Frosted]

Purposely holding off on posting. It’s been bumpy lately, but the progress is still there. I’ll check back in at some point.


@Ampersnd I’m so thankful that I’ve been putting in the boring foundational work all these years. It’s starting to catch up to me in a big way.

[Frosted]

I’m once again reminded of that story of the person who ran Overcome Smoking 5G and claimed the program didn’t work, but they just decided to quit smoking on their own. E6 is so invisible at times. It just feels like living life. Moving on from the past? Just something I’m doing, nothing crazy. Growing in awareness? Also doing that, no big deal. Etc.

Been noticing what’s holding me back from action, and other things. It’s a variety of things working in concert, but I’ll explain a big part of it. Growing up I was considered a gifted kid. I picked up things faster than other kids and was praised for it. I loved school. Slowly but surely I accumulated expectations from my mom and teachers as well as trauma from them as well as my peers. Eventually I liked school less and less and then started hating it. Also I began to hate menial tasks like cleaning my room because my mom would use punishments and exploit the adult-parent power dynamic to get me to do things, instead of raising a healthy child.

There are other factors, but these are two quick and simple explanations for what holds me back in taking action towards my goals. I have perfectionism and fear of failure. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still something I have to deal with when doing things. I want to enjoy things, not force myself to do them.

I notice how programming is beautiful. I want to be able to do it, but every time I do it’s so painful. I want to use it like legos, but I’ve got all this friction from trauma that makes it a pain in the ass and I get mentally tired too fast due to all that friction. The fear of failure is also annoying. I just want to enjoy learning and creating. I also want to write, but same deal.

Edit: The reason I shared the above is its relation to the bigger picture. If I overcome the issues holding me back from taking basic action towards my goals, that will be an exponential increase in the quality of my life because that’s my current bottleneck. I’ll begin making money as well as have stuff I love doing. It’ll also signal I’m close to healing all my trauma, as that’s the deep stuff.

I also find it interesting how confident in my success if I just take consistent action. Most people seem worried about their success making it on their own, whereas to me I’m confident of mine. Likely UMS2 as well as all the other subs I have used.

[Frosted]

Going through a lot of turmoil, pain and irritability lately. I seem to be dealing with really deep stuff.

[Benjamin]

I’m once again reminded of that story of the person who ran Overcome Smoking 5G and claimed the program didn’t work, but they just decided to quit smoking on their own. E6 is so invisible at times. It just feels like living life. Moving on from the past? Just something I’m doing, nothing crazy. Growing in awareness? Also doing that, no big deal. Etc.

Haha yep, I can even identify with this in other ways in that sometimes I don't know what a habit/practice/device etc is doing until I stop it. I think it's doing nothing, and I stop it and then start noticing "oh yeah it was doing this and this". I've had similar when i've got frustrated and stopped subliminals, yet at the time I wasn't as aware of what it was doing.

[Frosted]

@Benjamin Yeah it’s interesting, because these healing/clearing subs tend to be invisible on the micro side of things. It’s usually only after, that I notice how much I’ve grown. It’s like you’re carving something in wood and you can’t see your progress properly until you stop and blow away the wood shavings.

[Frosted]

Listing every transformation I’m going through would be exhausting and impractical. There’s too much to report. A lot of it I don’t fully understand using my logical mind associated with the formation of language anyways. Just wanted to come here and say that my results are awesome and continue to be awesome. I might just dip off and become part of the crowd silently getting results. I’ll probably still post here and there but no promises.

It’s funny because the changes I’m going through don’t feel like that big of a deal, and yet logically I know it is. I just feel like me. I’m aligning more with who I am and stripping away what I am not. I’m beginning to truly live authentically.

[Have at ye]

Funny how different programs affect people differently. On EHPRA, I couldn't stop yakking about what's happening in my mind. On OGSF, I'm quiet as a stone. You appear to have it in reverse.

[Frosted]

@Have at ye I think OGSF2 I was also a bit reclusive.


To anyone reading this, don’t skip out on healing or clearing even if you think you don’t need it. 99/100 times you’re wasting your time and your life. Life is too short to not spend it either Living or working towards Living.

[Frosted]

Alright I think I’ll start posting again.

There’s been a lot of ups and downs lately. I’ve made a ton of progress, but when I’m emersed in my current issues I’m dealing with it can feel like nothing’s changed and that I’m a loser, or a child, or whatever. I’m doing a lot of growing up internally.

I notice I’m beginning to enjoy myself more, and I’ve become more indulgent. I’m more aware that I’m going to die and have more urgency and this has had an interesting dual effect. On the one hand I want to enjoy myself more before I die, on the other I don’t want to waste it. I have to remind myself to be patient. If I’m not going to do the work that needs to be done to have the life I want, then I might as well not ruin my enjoyment of my current life. Making myself feel like shit isn’t going to make me do what needs to be done.

I both recognize that the subs will help in the background, but at the same time don’t want to overly rely on them since I don’t know if and when that will lead to me being able to get started on the stuff I need to do to have a better life.

I’m currently taking the attitude of work on myself and make money before I worry about women, even though I’ve been wanting a girlfriend more and more as I heal. I notice as my emotional self comes back online I want a girlfriend more.

On the bright side I’m getting a new role at work that’ll allow me to make more money soon. So while it’s not as much as I need for the life that I want, it should have a significant positive impact on my life. I attribute my role change to UMS2 and the general progress I’ve made with Shannon’s subs, since my boss trusts me and likes me.


Spiritual stuff:

I continue to notice spiritual stuff in the background, but it hasn’t been that prominent for some reason. It’s like I can tell something’s going on but a lot of the time I can’t tell what. For example I had a dream there was a vortex or a whirlpool of nothingness in the center of my being. The weird thing is that it made me feel more “real”. I’ve noticed it with things in my perception too. It’s like things are surrounded by and embraced by nothingness and this makes them more real somehow.

It’s annoying though, because while I notice cool progress, I’m still not at the point of what spiritual masters have described. I do notice moments of “stillness” here and there though. Okay the crazy thing is that as I’m typing this in real time I feel on the edge of a really cool experience, like I can feel reality more intimately in a sensory way. It feels like my mind is quiet and like I’m less covered by this subtle blanket of “self” or “concept”.

That’s an interesting thing. I feel like at times I”m on the edge between self and no self. It’s like I engage reality in this self reinforcing “control room” or “reference point” that is completely artificial and unnecessary. Then it feels like I’m beginning to move beyond it and see reality more as it is instead of through the lens of “Frosted”. I think this is the transition between level 10 and 11 in Ken Wilber’s “Integral Theory”. But I could also be going from 9 to 10. And the thing is that I’m not sure if I spend most of my time there or if that’s my peak.

I notice my sense of linearity dissolving. I mean that my logical mind that has dominated my experience is loosening its grip. Not in an insanity inducing way, but quite the opposite actually. It’s like the edges of who I am are dissolving, but at the same time are becoming more clear. Like how the void, or nothingness makes things more real or more of what they are. The cliche when you become less you become more.

This is all cool stuff, but I want to make it clear that this stuff doesn’t make me some guru or anything. It sounds cool to talk about, but it’s just another human experience. I still feel like crying when dealing with my pain lol.



There’s a lot I’m sure I’m missing and I may post it at some other point, or it may go into the ether. A lot has happened on E6. Too much to even try to fit into a post and impossible to capture with words anyways so that you could understand unless you went through similar experiences. It’s like trying to describe a color to a blind person. Phenomenological stuff is hard to get across. I don’t just mean the spiritual stuff either.


I also still want to be a part of this community, but I don’t know how consistent I can be with my current mental issues. I think it’s ADHD mixed with fear and trauma but not completely sure what the cause is. All I know is that sometimes doing what I want or need to do is like nails on a chalk board and borderline impossible to force myself to do, and takes so much willpower that it becomes impractical in the long run. I’m hoping this is something that will be solved by healing with Shannon’s subs and perhaps an ADHD sub in the future.

But yeah, good progress on E6. I will continue to report. Kind of ranted here and don’t feel like editing it. Sorry if it’s kind of unreadable or boring. Two more months to go and then it’s Self Development 5.11G.


Edit:

Another thing I remembered I wanted to talk about is my frustration with social connections. I feel like I’ve made so much progress but can’t utilize it properly not just with work, but socially. I feel isolated and I think it’s cause of trauma. I just shut down around others. I can still interact, but it’s not as my best self where I’m enjoying myself effortlessly. I want to interact with others in a fun way and it’s not like that now. It’s times like these I wish I could run WM 6G lol.

Edit 2:

Something I just remembered. When socializing with tons of people I notice this childhood feeling of abandonment. Like a child that can’t find their mom. It’s like I don’t know where to go or what to do to find safety and I just want to go home. I notice tears wanting to come up and this feeling fear and sadness. This is even among friends. I think this is a really early thing like 4 or 5 years old maybe even earlier. I think the only reason I notice this issue is because of E6.

[Frosted]

One thing I will say is that I’ve been enjoying my life more than I have in the past. I have adopted an attitude of just doing what I want. I’ve been gradually beginning to feel excitement instead of anxiety. I indulge myself and it’s like I have a relationship with myself where I’m having moments where I want to not only treat myself right, but share magical moments with myself. Life is regaining its color that it had in childhood. Less one dimensional and logical and more full and experiential.

It feels like I almost have a solid grip on my life, but not quite. There’s still stuff that’s needs work.