E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I've used E2 twice before, both times for 2 months each time (I know, it should've been one or three, but it was 2) 

I remember when I first started using E1 and E2, A lot of intense anger came out. Then it ceased.

Lately, I've been listening to E2 on my laptop, because my headphones are acting wonky. 

Haven't noticed any effects lately, but that could be the naturalizer. 

Somebody on another forum yesterday showed me some videos and an article by somebody named Lester Levenson, who talked about not finding happiness in being loved, but in loving. What he said resonated and I feel like things have gotten better for me because now I have the intent to love everybody, including my ex-friend without expecting anything in return, and if I can get to that point, all this suffering I went through will have been worth it. 

Since then, I've noticed my mood improving and my pain/suffering decreasing.

IT doesn't feel like it's the sub, especially since I'm only a few days in into listening to it, but then again, it could be the naturalizer is doing it's thing and making it all feel natural.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Had this very big profound experience while getting high a couple days ago that made me feel much better. I focused on UNCONDITIONALLY loving all the people whose bridges I've burned or who've burned their bridges with me, saw myself as an eternal being and decided that the love I had for them was eternal and they will one day evolve to a point where they accept that love, which is eternally on the table and that all other things are like the grass that blooms, withers and dies in its season only to grow once again due to the infinite love and light of the One Creator. Also I came to the realization that my insecurities were the source of everything that drove those most important to me away, so if I just love myself more and get rid of that, everything else I have to offer will be good. It was a really impactful experience!

...but now I'm sober, and I don't feel it anymore. I'm still feeling better than I'd been, but I still have a lot of healing to do. I try to focus on loving these people who want nothing to do with me, but I feel so much pain when I think about it that that's all I end up feeling. I need to love myself first, then it will be easier to love others.

I don't notice any effects from the sub, although I am feeling better than I'd felt in a while, but I dunno if that's the sub or not. I've only been running the sub for less than a week, so I expect it'll kick in more later.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

About a week in:

I'm feeling good today. Or at least, I'm feeling alright. I'm not feeling lonely or feeling guilt or shame or regret. So today's feeling better than usual. I even feel hope for the future and for things to change the way I want them too! Wondering how much (if at all) E2 is playing a role in this?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

~8 days in:

All I've done all day is sleep, except for the free concert going on at my local University that I live near.

I had a dream about a hot chick in the past I once screwed up my chances with, even though she'd been pretty much throwing herself at me. In that dream I decided I could not only appreciate that opportunity better nowadays but decided I would go for it if I had the opportunity again.

Dunno if that's related to E2 or not, but I am feeling more appreciative of the relationships and opportunities I have, even if I've screwed up a lot of relationships and opportunities in the past.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 9, I think:

I'm feeling alright today, and in fact, I've noticed that lately, I am WAY less bothered by things like my friendship breakup or the issues my mentor has with me. I still feel a little bit of negative emotions when I think about it, but I mostly don't think about it.

I DO notice though that I have a tendency (and this is nothing new) to sleep or distract myself on my laptop all day, instead of doing things I need to do. For some reason, I have a real resistance to doing them. Thing is, I don't even enjoy myself on the computer and don't do anything in particular. I am DELIBERATELY looking for ways to be distracted, even though they're not particularly interesting or fun. This is a pretty common thing for people to do, but I do it even more so than most. And if I'm not able to distract myself on the computer, I tend to just sleep, even if I'm already feeling well rested. And I sleep all day, ironically making me tired due to sleep drunkenness.

I'm wondering what's at the core of this behaviour... Why do I have such a problem with getting up and actually DOING stuff I need to do? Why am I so resistant to it? Is there some sort of underlying fear that causes this resistance? Or is it just plain laziness? I think there's more to it than laziness, but I don't know what. MY mentor theorizes that due to some sort of buried early trauma, I don't want to be fully present or fully commit to life, choosing instead to live in a half-living "zombie-like" state, because back when the trauma occurred, I got the sense that life in this world is threatening. I'm not sure of his theory, but I DO get the sense that there's SOMETHING behind it.

Eventually, I intend to get LTU5 (once I can afford it) and hopefully the FRM will help me with this issue.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 11: Not feeling good today. I feel down. I feel very dissatisfied with my life and I feel like nothing I do will make it better, but that even if there is something I could do, I'm very dissatisfied with it and with myself at the current moment.

I'm trying to live in the present, and I feel very uncomfortable doing that. It's hard to put. But there's a very uneasy feeling when I try to live in the present. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed, much less doing anything else. I know there's a better way to live day to day, but I don't look forward to any of it. It's like... the thought of truly BEING HERE in this life, and being active in it... I don't like it. And I don't look forward to it. It's like all I want to do is be unconscious. I never like waking up.

I wonder when I'll start feeling the effects of this subliminal? Maybe I already am feeling them and I just don't know it. Still, I don't feel very good today... I feel like such a mess. Like even E2 won't be enough to fix whatever's wrong with me. Or like there's so much mess to clean up, it's like trying to clean a filthy crackhouse with shit smeared all over the walls using nothing but a toothbrush. I dunno, maybe I'm underestimating the sub and what it can do. That's just how it FEELS, not necessarily how it is. It just FEELS that way sometimes. Hopefully, these feelings are far from accurate.

Today is DEFINITELY not a good day for me. Although if it were, that would be even more depressing.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Just read this on the E3 product page: "While V2 was designed to be a gentle “go at your own pace” approach, we discovered that allowing the subconscious to go at whatever pace it wanted with minimal assertion was not the optimal approach. In V3, there is a new approach, which is, “Go at your own pace, as long as your minimum pace is at least X.”, where X is “as fast as you can safely and comfortably go, while achieving all of the goals of the program.” This safely prevents stagnation, avoidance and the like from the subconscious when dealing with issues it may not want to deal with. The result is that this version of the program seeks to get you to deal with, heal and clear all of the issues that are valid candidates for healing and clearing, without having endless avoidance, stagnation and so forth."

Dunno how I missed that before, but that's actually a BIG difference! I really want E3 now!

At some point, I will be getting social security back-pay. When I do, I will probably buy LTU5.

EDIT: 3 months. It'll be 3 months from now when I go on social security, then they'll give back-pay of about $5k. So it looks like I'll be on E2 for 3 months, then I'll be using LTU5.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 12:

Feeling isolated, lonely and like I don't belong.Like nobody gets me and like I'm worthless. I feel like I'm gonna crack, like my sense of hope is razor thin. Like I can't have the life I want. Like I'll never have the life I want. Like there's nothing I can do for myself or anybody else. Like I have no purpose, or like I can't fulfill my purpose if I have one. Or like if I have a purpose it's not a very important or fulfilling one. Like my life is empty. Like all I do is fail at all the things that matter most to me. Like I can't change my life into what I want. Like even if I did make my life look more like I wanted it to, I'd still be hollow and something important would still be missing from my life. Something critical. I feel like I'll never be good enough. Like nothing I ever do will be good enough. Like I don't have the power to change anything or improve the world around me in any meaningful way. Like I'm nobody and that's all I'll ever be. Like I'll always be lonely. Like any remote progress I make is minuscule and like I make it at a snail's pace. I feel like I can't muster the enthusiasm to do anything and like nothing I do matters anyway. Like every time I do something to improve my life, it's pointless and meaningless. I feel like shit. I feel like screaming. I feel like E2's not doing anything, or if it is doing anything, I'm too fucked up for it to do enough to make a significant difference. I wonder if my subconscious is resisting any real progress. I dunno. I'm not feeling better, that's for sure. I feel like every day is a struggle. I feel like Sisyphus pushing his boulder up the hill. I feel like my family and friends can't understand what I'm going through. I feel like my hope is running out. I feel like all I do is make things worse. I feel like there's no winning. Not for me anyway.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 15. So on day 13, I was feeling absolutely terrible. Worthless. Hopeless. Anguished even. I was suffering from bad memories of things my exfriend said to me in the past. Then I got stoned and realized how much self pity I was indulging in. Spent the next day (day 14) mostly keeping myself distracted on the computer all day. I'm spending today trying to meditate heavily. I'm not feeling so anguished today. Hopefully more meditation will help me. I still feel stuck. It is a sincere hope that I will one day be able to repair the relationship with my exfriend. And when I'm not meditating, sleeping or mindlessly distracring myself on the computer, I often find myself obsessing over ways I could increase my chances at repairing the bridges I have burned. I realize this is unhealthy, but I can't let go and desperately want to repair the relationship within this lifetime. I need to stop obssessing and take time to actually LIVE my life. To do that, I would need to change my frame of mind. Hence all the meditating.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

As far as EHPRA v2 is concerned, I just bought some earbuds today and downloaded E2 trickling stream file over Google drive onto my phone tgen made a playlist. This should make it easier not only to get away from the computer, but give that computer a rest and not run it all day long. Hell, I should be able to listen on my phone while I sleep at night with the phone charging. I'm still not sure if E2 is doing anything. Part of the problem is that the gentleness of the sub mixes with the naturalizer makes it really hard to tell whether it's doing anything or not. One thing I note is that this is a "Go at your own speed" sub and I worry my unconscious doesn't even have to resist the sub to effectively resist it. I worry my subconcious mind merely has to procrastinate and move at a snail's pace to render the program useless. Once I can afford LTU5, that shouldn't be a problem. Man I can't wait to buy LTU5! That's a sub that by the sounds of things should REALLY pick up the pace and cause a lot of healing to be done in a shorter amount of time. And the USLM added? Nice bonus for sure! I could use it to help form new close connections, get money and find ways to help repair the damage done to my relationships that aren't doing good right now.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 16. Spent my day today nursing a hangover. But while I was feeling sick all day, I noticed that I'm not obsessing over the friendship breakup today, which is good. Although I am still dealing with feelings of loneliness. I feel like I want another life. One where I have a better social life and an attractive girlfriend.. Daydreaming about a better life is basically how I spent my day today while bedridden. Hopefully E2 will help me feel better. Can't wait to be able to afford LTU5.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 17. I don't feel terrible today, but I do feel like my life is both internally and externally a mess. I've got a lot of issues, but the one I've been focused on for the past few days is loneliness.

 I figure that maybe when I get a job, I'll start forming connections at work, but I worry that since I'll be a TA, I won't be making a whole lot of connections. Like the only adult I'll be able to form any connections with will be the teacher I'm assisting. I really need to improve my social life. 

Hopefully once I get LTU5, the USLM part of it will help me form more deep connections and make more friends and have more of a social life. I'm sure the E3 part will help me with a lot of internal issues I have. I really do need to do something about this loneliness though. Hopefully, getting a job, the USLM part of LTU5, and maybe going to USF in the fall (thus enabling me to join some sort of social club) will all help me with that problem.

 It feels like I've got so much to fix though about myself and my life. And I'm just waiting for certain things to happen like: waiting to go on social security so I can use the back pay to buy LTU5, waiting to get a job, waiting to take summer classes at my community college, waiting even longer to transfer over to USF and join a social club. Just... Waiting with my thumb up my ass. 

And I still don't know if E2 is doing anything or not. I'm feeling better lately, but that just might be my issues hitting in waves. 

I really hope I'll be able to fix all these issues. I really do. I've been struggling with various addictions over the past couple of years. Lately, I have an internet addiction. Somebody posted a video on another forum talking about addiction, saying the opposite isnt sobriety but connection. They cited an experiment called "Rat Park" where the rats had all kinds of friends, mating partners, activities, food, etc. And when given the option for water laced with drugs or just regulsr water, they rarely touched to drugged water at all. That's what I want in my life: that kind of connection. My own "Rat Park" so to speak. But all I've got lately is this dungeon of a room I lock myself in... At least I have my pets. 

Still dunno if E2 is doing anything, or how much its doing if it's doing anything at all.

[findingme]

Sounds like E2 is pointing this out. From what I know, it doesn't make you do anything. It leads you to answers you might have overlooked before. Greenduck reported on this a month back in his E2 journal.

Being "locked up" in a room sounds pretty unsatisfying. Have you considered going outside for 5, 10 minutes? I did today. I took a long walk. It was nice Made me feel connected once again. It also allowed some fears to dissipate.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah I go out for walks. Used to do it every day, now it's more like every other day. Going for walks doesnt really change the loneliness problem though. That was why I started using E2 in the first place: because I was lonely and everyone here was telling me I needed to work on my neediness and self esteem issues first or I'd have trouble connecting with others.