09-16-2017, 07:24 AM
The nightmares have been cycling. Still creepy and dismal, but less Hammer horror and, now, more Grimm's fairy tales or ABC Afterschool Special. And like it's holding up a mirror designed to make me face the things about myself that I doubt, dislike, fear, and endure. It seems as if it's not very much about which bullet points Shannon thinks that we all need to detox and almost entirely about what my (metaphorical) heart needs to detox.
There's a very you-can't-escape-or-hide-from-your-innermost-self quality to it. Reminds me why Edgar Allan Poe hit the nerves that he hit or why A Christmas Carol and Frankenstein are so iconic. Facing bespoke monsters that we've spent our lives tailoring for ourselves (and then trying to deny/ignore) isn't all that distant a concept from what some Rule-4-ists might say awaits some of us when we die.
I'm glad that I stuck to my input/execute schedule. Facing my personal toxins in my dreams each night, even on non-listening days, isn't a light meal. Had I charged headlong into this, it might've been a bit too much to chew on, and I'm thankful that I'm pacing myself. The strangest aspect to this is the feeling that it's safe to continue forward, that the monsters are there only because I built them to be (like imaginary friends, only as enemies) and let them crash on my couch, that they're more ghosts than reality, that they hide when I wake up (but don't tend to leave unless I work up the courage to explain to them that they've overstayed their invitation). Also, the monsters are not strictly embodiment-of-X and often come across as full dioramas, bittersweet scenes of some innocuous, uplifting, or desirable build-up culminating in a depressingly bitter end.
Sadly, seeing shades of that seemingly reflected in real-world disappointments lends an air of "nightmares coming true" to it, even though that's a backward interpretation of "reality inspiring hyperbole (followed by more reality)." Which might be a useful lesson (or two) concerning worry, now that I think about it (hyperbole = nightmare = monster?). And another lesson in balanced perspective too, probably. Starts to make me see each fear or doubt as a hyperbolic error in processing reality, yet another pendulum-style overcorrection that I never finished balancing (and need to go back and balance). I'm beginning to get the feeling that this pendulum metaphor is going to keep coming up as a common theme throughout my UD run.
Starting another input week tomorrow seems almost as sudden as taking the break seemed.
There's a very you-can't-escape-or-hide-from-your-innermost-self quality to it. Reminds me why Edgar Allan Poe hit the nerves that he hit or why A Christmas Carol and Frankenstein are so iconic. Facing bespoke monsters that we've spent our lives tailoring for ourselves (and then trying to deny/ignore) isn't all that distant a concept from what some Rule-4-ists might say awaits some of us when we die.
I'm glad that I stuck to my input/execute schedule. Facing my personal toxins in my dreams each night, even on non-listening days, isn't a light meal. Had I charged headlong into this, it might've been a bit too much to chew on, and I'm thankful that I'm pacing myself. The strangest aspect to this is the feeling that it's safe to continue forward, that the monsters are there only because I built them to be (like imaginary friends, only as enemies) and let them crash on my couch, that they're more ghosts than reality, that they hide when I wake up (but don't tend to leave unless I work up the courage to explain to them that they've overstayed their invitation). Also, the monsters are not strictly embodiment-of-X and often come across as full dioramas, bittersweet scenes of some innocuous, uplifting, or desirable build-up culminating in a depressingly bitter end.
Sadly, seeing shades of that seemingly reflected in real-world disappointments lends an air of "nightmares coming true" to it, even though that's a backward interpretation of "reality inspiring hyperbole (followed by more reality)." Which might be a useful lesson (or two) concerning worry, now that I think about it (hyperbole = nightmare = monster?). And another lesson in balanced perspective too, probably. Starts to make me see each fear or doubt as a hyperbolic error in processing reality, yet another pendulum-style overcorrection that I never finished balancing (and need to go back and balance). I'm beginning to get the feeling that this pendulum metaphor is going to keep coming up as a common theme throughout my UD run.
Starting another input week tomorrow seems almost as sudden as taking the break seemed.
