01-08-2017, 09:53 PM
(01-08-2017, 12:14 AM)Shannon Wrote: You are exhibiting a type of resistance I see my girlfriend indulging in a lot, and it's based in fear. It goes like this:
1. Fear X.
2. Avoid X.
3. When X becomes necessary or is pushed forward, respond with unrealistic expectations that are too polar in positive direction.
4. When expectations fail to be met, respond with unrealistic responses that are too polar in the negative direction.
You are basically setting yourself up to fail and thereby have "reasons" for your avoidance and fears by approaching the whole thing in such a polar way. Expectations...
I learned, back when I used to do this very same thing, that life is much more enjoyable, and successful, if I just let go of expectations, and do my thing. Okay, so you got scammed. Lesson: there are scammers out there, and you have to be vigilant. But that doesn't mean online dating automatically becomes a fail. It means you have to know what to look for and what to ask.
The goals of DMSI are what they are. DMSI needs, in this version, to be within sight of a person to affect them.
So you went out to a social event, and nothing. And you came home even more discouraged.
Again... out of fear, your afraid part is seeking to polarize the experience so you consciously will give up and not have to deal with what you fear.
Doing that leads to, guess what?
What you have.
Knowing what you are doing, which I am trying to show you, will give you the ammunition to change your patterns and therefore what you experience and what you have.
Giving up at the first sign of a challenge is how you fail. "Failure is the path of least persistence."
Growing past fears and stagnation can be a scary thing. So do it in small, easily manageable steps.
Instead of going out expecting to land a date and have sex, go out with the simple expectation that... "I'm going to this event, and I'm going to enjoy the fact that I went to this event instead of hiding in my room. And if anything else happens, it will be a pleasant surprise."
Here's another example.
Person A expects 10 units to arrive in a shipment, and Person B expects that the shipment may or may not arrive.
The shipment arrives, but has 5 units. Person A is disappointed and upset. Person B is happy. What's the difference? Their expectations.
Accept what is, and then work to make it what you want it to be. But let go of expectations that can lead to disappointments, because they usually do.
And don't quit. Just be more tranquil and understanding with yourself, and take smaller steps to your goal.
I don't know what I am doing here. Even when I said that I am done, I still came. Oh man, I have no clue what the hell's going on.
Shannon, you said it's fear. Fear maybe, but that is too crude of an emotion to describe what I felt and thought. I think more correct description would be resentment, and perhaps sadness.
Everyone thinks that I felt that way because I didn't get dates or sex. Perhaps 10% true, but 90% no. Right now I don't really care about online dating, and for the social situation, I didn't even bother about getting a date or sex. For the online dating stuff, I got 0 matches (Tinder and Bumble, which I can't even check now as I can't even access the accounts thanks to the scammer, who forced that I deactivated the Facebook), and I don't know if it would be a too much of an expectation to hope for getting 1 swipe right. (Which I didn't get at least the last time I checked.)
When it comes to social gathering, I only hope to feel not so alienated in the gathering, and not feel not belonging there, even a little bit. Sadly that hasn't come for several hundreds or thousands of times. (I am counting class experiences as part of it.)
Anyway, fuck what I said last two posts. I suppose I will continue come and write stuff here. But know this, I will very likely to go back to what I was like for the last few posts. If you can't handle that, I suggest unsubscribing the journal.
Well, that would mean that I am going to be back on DMSI 3.0.1 A, and will probably have much lamenting to come.......
Anyway, I have been somewhat productive today. Finished Hacknet (damn, hacking was quite fun. now I want to actually learn how to do that. although I know that the real thing would be much more difficult) sent a few emails to a few institutions for asking advice on the next step after my master's.
Also, I got a few visits and likes on OKC. It's difficult to tell whether they are real or not (based on my experience), and they are much more local than the scammer at least. Sadly most girls are not attractive. (I hate say this, but they have to be minimum certain level of attractiveness for me to at least consider. Now I feel so shallow and feels weird to whine after saying this.) But there was one girl who liked me that I was a bit hesitant to contact. The girl's size seemed a bit large on the photo, but she said that she's working to get back to her competitive swimmer body (she claims to be competitive swimmer since her childhood.) Let's hope that her pics are a bit old, or her swimming will make her body hotter. The girl's match with me, according to OKC, is over 90%, and she's a phD student. (For me intelligence of a girl is very important, and this one would more likely to have it.) Logistics wise she may be a bit too far from my taste (1~2 hours drive, and I was hoping for within 30min radius) as I don't have a car, but she does. So who knows it may work out.
I ended up sending her a brief message, asking about her study to start a conversation. (This time, I didn't think about anything, didn't really set up anything, and just wanted to do normal stuff. Didn't want to escalate things too early either.) I am not gonna care if I get a reply or not, but just wanted to share that I did, and just maybe, this isn't all crap.
As I mentioned, I am going to be probably be in very up and down mode for several times. Lamenting a lot, and may get excited a lot too.
I have no damn clue what's going on, and I don't know what to feel and think about coming back here and reversing on what I just said I was going to do, but here I am, shamed, confused, and feeling squirmed. Oh, man I gotta sleep now.
