10-03-2016, 06:46 PM
Well, I've been on DMSI 2.4 for a while. Have I been keeping up with 5 loops per day everyday? Not really, as I sometimes find that I stay up really late to do the homework, sometimes two nights in a row. In these cases I'd skip subliminal as I don't want to exhaust my mind/mental power. Still I've been on it for a while.
What is the difference? Well, first of all, I think I am becoming more autistic. I am noticing that I react much less with stimuli, much less emotions, less and less things are funny and etc. On the other hand, my sentimentality, and melancholy, or the ability to feel these are still there, so it is interesting. It's like I am becoming me in the past, where I was like I don't get why people find certain things funny. Anyway, that is the first of what I mean by becoming more autistic.
The second part of becoming more autistic is generally becoming less curious or interested in people in general. Not just talking about girls here, but in other guys as well. As I have been getting training in social stuff as part of ASD treatment, and as that is something I lack the most, I had paid more attention to people. Right now, I don't. I am just pretty much ignoring what people say to each other, or what they do. But what's rather funny is that say I hear what they say whether in class, or in their little chit chat with others, I am rather filled with disappointment, on a certain way looking at it even a level of disgust from disappointment. I'm like, Come on, is that really the best you got, and the reason you are in the school is x? Where is the real curiosity to knowledge and truth? Come on, seriously is that the best output you can give out, something that I was already able to think and come up with? I'm noticing that more of these are happening inside my head that not only I lost interest in people, to a certain extent, I am disappointed and have given up on them. This makes me wonder to a point, what is so different about me, or what is so better about me that makes me disappointed in others? What kind of arrogance does it lead to this, or is this disappointment or disgust a genuine product of something else? This, I wonder a bit.
Third, because I am more disappointed in people, because the school work is getting loaded, and because I have involuntarily/subconsciously (I am using the word subconsciously as a word to describe a sense that is opposed to consciously/voluntarily/willingly) decided to divert all my need of human connections from peers, the need for romance into my curiosity and passion to understand the truth, or building my knowledge and understanding of the world, I am pretty much indoors, if not in the class or at a restaurant to eat a meal. I believe this makes it near impossible to detect any differences in women, or any changes in others, as I really don't have social connections. (Not that it was any different. But it's not getting any better)
In the end, I don't know if I should relate my changes to the sub. But if it is sub's doing, I'm going to be very interested to know how the sub will is going to achieve the goal of making me irresistibly sexually attractive to women (gender I'm attracted to). I'm now paying less attention to pop culture, less relatable, less click humor wise, no change to less social opportunities, but most importantly, my standards on women is becoming higher, to a certain level unattainable. (At one point, I had really high standard for women, which I think it was more due to my insecurity, but now unless the woman meets that high standards, I am not attracted or interested. Extremely high level of intelligence, extremely good looks, single, good personality/characteristic --> this combination is hard to find, and let alone for that one to be interested is even more difficult. My logic anyway.) Oh wait, is the sub achieving the objective by making me not have any of the attracted gender that basically I am sexually irresistibly attractive to nobody/nothing? In that sense, then the sub may be achieving its goal in one way or another.
What is the difference? Well, first of all, I think I am becoming more autistic. I am noticing that I react much less with stimuli, much less emotions, less and less things are funny and etc. On the other hand, my sentimentality, and melancholy, or the ability to feel these are still there, so it is interesting. It's like I am becoming me in the past, where I was like I don't get why people find certain things funny. Anyway, that is the first of what I mean by becoming more autistic.
The second part of becoming more autistic is generally becoming less curious or interested in people in general. Not just talking about girls here, but in other guys as well. As I have been getting training in social stuff as part of ASD treatment, and as that is something I lack the most, I had paid more attention to people. Right now, I don't. I am just pretty much ignoring what people say to each other, or what they do. But what's rather funny is that say I hear what they say whether in class, or in their little chit chat with others, I am rather filled with disappointment, on a certain way looking at it even a level of disgust from disappointment. I'm like, Come on, is that really the best you got, and the reason you are in the school is x? Where is the real curiosity to knowledge and truth? Come on, seriously is that the best output you can give out, something that I was already able to think and come up with? I'm noticing that more of these are happening inside my head that not only I lost interest in people, to a certain extent, I am disappointed and have given up on them. This makes me wonder to a point, what is so different about me, or what is so better about me that makes me disappointed in others? What kind of arrogance does it lead to this, or is this disappointment or disgust a genuine product of something else? This, I wonder a bit.
Third, because I am more disappointed in people, because the school work is getting loaded, and because I have involuntarily/subconsciously (I am using the word subconsciously as a word to describe a sense that is opposed to consciously/voluntarily/willingly) decided to divert all my need of human connections from peers, the need for romance into my curiosity and passion to understand the truth, or building my knowledge and understanding of the world, I am pretty much indoors, if not in the class or at a restaurant to eat a meal. I believe this makes it near impossible to detect any differences in women, or any changes in others, as I really don't have social connections. (Not that it was any different. But it's not getting any better)
In the end, I don't know if I should relate my changes to the sub. But if it is sub's doing, I'm going to be very interested to know how the sub will is going to achieve the goal of making me irresistibly sexually attractive to women (gender I'm attracted to). I'm now paying less attention to pop culture, less relatable, less click humor wise, no change to less social opportunities, but most importantly, my standards on women is becoming higher, to a certain level unattainable. (At one point, I had really high standard for women, which I think it was more due to my insecurity, but now unless the woman meets that high standards, I am not attracted or interested. Extremely high level of intelligence, extremely good looks, single, good personality/characteristic --> this combination is hard to find, and let alone for that one to be interested is even more difficult. My logic anyway.) Oh wait, is the sub achieving the objective by making me not have any of the attracted gender that basically I am sexually irresistibly attractive to nobody/nothing? In that sense, then the sub may be achieving its goal in one way or another.
