Day 32
So.
Didn't update my journal for quite a while. I was in a weird state.
I was getting 3 loops as prescribed by Shannon. Masked, during the day on the weekends, and during the nights on workdays. Earphones. Around 75 days of no-fap (I did cave in sometimes to edging, but I never ejaculated or opened porn).
So, what was happening was this.. I was in a state where I was thinking of giving up on my sites, because of the lack of results. I barely outputted 1 article per week, whereas normally I try to give 1 a day.. before moving, I did 2 per day!
I was constantly making up reasons to stop using DMSI. Just a few days ago, I felt so tired, so tired that I thought I wouldn't be able to put on DMSI!
Of course, I did, because that's just resistance, and I ain't giving it what it wants.
Moreover, (now it feels really weird to talk about it, as if I can't remember how I felt.. goddamit, journal laziness!) it was pretty.. depressing, should I say. Not super dark, but pretty meh.
I didn't notice ANY effects of DMSI during this time. None. Nada. I thought I was just wasting my time. "I should just drop it, what's the point of it anyway", I thought.
I did notice a big.. something like disgust, for one of my friends. He was constantly AMOGing me for totally stupid reasons, and I felt completely unable to respond, because of fear of getting kicked out of the circle of friends. Stupid reason, I know.
Furthermore, I noticed big disrespect and negging from others. Of course, unable to give good responses because of the fear I described earlier.
So, what happened two days ago is this.
I made my first sales through my websites.
Measly 1.76 dollars, but boy, it meant a world to me.
So, after this, I've had a weird reversal, that I hope is more permanent, lol!
I feel sexier, I feel this stronger sense of being "unstoppable". Happier, more relaxed and much more outgoing.
My inner frame changed. The guy that was AMOGing me? Well, he can try to crack his stupid jokes all the time if he wants to (not that I'll let him anymore). They don't faze me. It's surreal.
My thinking literally went from - "That guy is so annoying, constantly trying to put me down. What's wrong with him?" to "Put me down? Nothing can put me down. I'm unstoppable.".
It surprised me, really.
Moreover, the negging and disrespect seem to have dropped down by a lot.
I can't yet put it into words exactly, so this is my sucky attempt at it, and I don't know if its directly related to my little success with my websites or to DMSI, but time will tell.
Oh and, the main aim of the sub.. girls.
Much more kino.
Increased eye contact, as well as "look.. turn.. look... turn" behaviour.
That feeling of being viewed as an unbelievably sexy man. I'm literally feeling other's attraction for me.
Not related to girls - increased perception. Probably from my meditation practices, but I'm starting to be able to discern emotions of other people. Attraction, anxiety, fear. And I don't mean by body language or facial expression. Literally, I can close my eyes and can feel the emotion, and know if it's mine or from someone else's. I can feel the general emotion of the room, and be unaffected by it.
I hope this amazing state of well-being is the effect of DMSI, and that it will last, but really, everything is impermanent, so we'll see!
So.
Didn't update my journal for quite a while. I was in a weird state.
I was getting 3 loops as prescribed by Shannon. Masked, during the day on the weekends, and during the nights on workdays. Earphones. Around 75 days of no-fap (I did cave in sometimes to edging, but I never ejaculated or opened porn).
So, what was happening was this.. I was in a state where I was thinking of giving up on my sites, because of the lack of results. I barely outputted 1 article per week, whereas normally I try to give 1 a day.. before moving, I did 2 per day!
I was constantly making up reasons to stop using DMSI. Just a few days ago, I felt so tired, so tired that I thought I wouldn't be able to put on DMSI!
Of course, I did, because that's just resistance, and I ain't giving it what it wants.
Moreover, (now it feels really weird to talk about it, as if I can't remember how I felt.. goddamit, journal laziness!) it was pretty.. depressing, should I say. Not super dark, but pretty meh.
I didn't notice ANY effects of DMSI during this time. None. Nada. I thought I was just wasting my time. "I should just drop it, what's the point of it anyway", I thought.
I did notice a big.. something like disgust, for one of my friends. He was constantly AMOGing me for totally stupid reasons, and I felt completely unable to respond, because of fear of getting kicked out of the circle of friends. Stupid reason, I know.
Furthermore, I noticed big disrespect and negging from others. Of course, unable to give good responses because of the fear I described earlier.
So, what happened two days ago is this.
I made my first sales through my websites.
Measly 1.76 dollars, but boy, it meant a world to me.
So, after this, I've had a weird reversal, that I hope is more permanent, lol!
I feel sexier, I feel this stronger sense of being "unstoppable". Happier, more relaxed and much more outgoing.
My inner frame changed. The guy that was AMOGing me? Well, he can try to crack his stupid jokes all the time if he wants to (not that I'll let him anymore). They don't faze me. It's surreal.
My thinking literally went from - "That guy is so annoying, constantly trying to put me down. What's wrong with him?" to "Put me down? Nothing can put me down. I'm unstoppable.".
It surprised me, really.
Moreover, the negging and disrespect seem to have dropped down by a lot.
I can't yet put it into words exactly, so this is my sucky attempt at it, and I don't know if its directly related to my little success with my websites or to DMSI, but time will tell.
Oh and, the main aim of the sub.. girls.
Much more kino.
Increased eye contact, as well as "look.. turn.. look... turn" behaviour.
That feeling of being viewed as an unbelievably sexy man. I'm literally feeling other's attraction for me.
Not related to girls - increased perception. Probably from my meditation practices, but I'm starting to be able to discern emotions of other people. Attraction, anxiety, fear. And I don't mean by body language or facial expression. Literally, I can close my eyes and can feel the emotion, and know if it's mine or from someone else's. I can feel the general emotion of the room, and be unaffected by it.
I hope this amazing state of well-being is the effect of DMSI, and that it will last, but really, everything is impermanent, so we'll see!
