DMSI 3.3.2 - Changing my norm

[Paul1131]

To clarify why I wanted to visit the store this afternoon when the latina was walking and not at work...

I had this growing sensation in me to be where I could be seen.  This is what caught my attention.  I'm an introvert, but this excited me.  I've not clearly seen or detected the celebrity effect that is reported by so many, but it felt like I wanted to swim in this realization.  Maybe it was the celebrity effect.

Having had some hours pass since then, I see my old fears still doing a poor me victim stance, using anything to hold dominance.  The feeling which fought me going today?  It felt like something dying in me, crying loudly for mercy, which confused me enough to route myself home.  Feeling sexy mixed with a feeling of death?  There'd be another day.

There’s definitely a sense, at least for me that I have to “kill” some aspect of the old me in order to put the appropriate parts of the “new me” that I want to be there in place. And they seem to sometimes really not want to die.  I have found it helpful to visualize killing them sometimes.  Seriously, this is a part of you that’s keeping you from being who you want to be and wants to keep you miserable.  It deserves it.

[Shannon]

I still can't understand why the subconscious sees this as death. You shouldn't have to "kill" anything.

[findingme]

I still can't understand why the subconscious sees this as death. You shouldn't have to "kill" anything.

If it helps, that "dying" part felt very immature and very whiney, as if believing and feeling out the worst case scenario would prompt a rescue. It was a young part of me trying to save itself.

DMSI has been improving my maturity rapidly. Otherwise, I'd not have seen that. Maybe it's ME3, maybe new things in the skeleton script, but it's been much easier lately to see old patterns and respond as needed. The difference is a lack of fear. This would have locked me up before, with numerous distractions surfacing until the problem just wasn't remembered anymore.

And while I wrote that, I realize this morning that I feel a slight bit saddened, like I'm saying goodbye to some part of me. I didn't have dream memories, but this feeling is real.

Thank you for making this new version. It's working on me and my thinking nicely

[findingme]

And Paul, I'm not a subscriber to beating the sh** out of myself. I've thought I was a wimp at times since I gave in this younger side of me, but using subs here have really corrected a lot of old self-hating ways of mine. I've called it that in past journals, and I always felt, but didn't admit, the shame with it. Me sharing it then was me saying "I don't love myself. Would someone tell me I'm lovable?" And this is a BIG reason I stayed on LTU5 so long, as me learning to love myself has been neglected. I even began DMSI since its #2 goal is to greatly improve this.

And for myself, punishing myself for failing always led to worse places, both mentally and in daily decision making. While on LTU5, I realized I was making things harder at work unnecessarily. I admitted this to a coworker I've trusted, and he listened and pointed out some obvious thinking oversights I'd experienced. I was truly grateful I could make better choices in the future. And I am.

The mirrors for myself are other people. If people are giving me cues I'm not hearing them, then it's my job to pay attention. The newer FRM's are making it much easier to approach a superior and ask "am I missing something?" In fact, I've actually gained more trust by doing so, and I am much more content while not fighting with myself and them. I am more peaceful.

I'd add more, but I need to leave for work. Later

[lano1106]

I still can't understand why the subconscious sees this as death. You shouldn't have to "kill" anything.

If it helps, that "dying" part felt very immature and very whiney, as if believing and feeling out the worst case scenario would prompt a rescue. It was a young part of me trying to save itself.

DMSI has been improving my maturity rapidly. Otherwise, I'd not have seen that. Maybe it's ME3, maybe new things in the skeleton script, but it's been much easier lately to see old patterns and respond as needed. The difference is a lack of fear. This would have locked me up before, with numerous distractions surfacing until the problem just wasn't remembered anymore.

And while I wrote that, I realize this morning that I feel a slight bit saddened, like I'm saying goodbye to some part of me. I didn't have dream memories, but this feeling is real.

Thank you for making this new version. It's working on me and my thinking nicely

I can relate to the feeling too. In the same way that you can start liking a flaw in someone you love. I guess you can develop the same type of fondness over your own flaws.

You know it is bad, but you have lived with that flaw for so long that it feels comfortable. You know how to handle this bad behavior consequences. You may even look back at yourself with this bad behavior and like it because it is you and you love yourself the way you are with the bad and the good traits.

I guess that it is exactly what makes changing hard and why people resist it. You have to let the old you go for change to occur. You have to let some parts of you cease to exist, iow, "die"...

[Paul1131]

I still can't understand why the subconscious sees this as death.  You shouldn't have to "kill" anything.

All I can tell you is that that technique has helped me kind of accelerate things while on your programs.  I don’t know why either, but if it helps it helps.  Perhaps it would be better not to think of them as parts of ourselves, but rather patterns and clusters of thoughts that have taken on a life of their own, and are working at cross purposes with “us”.

[findingme]

Thank you gents for your imput. It's making me think about my own thinking, seriously.

Yesterday, I was more mentally tired than I realized. 2 small driving goofs both entering and leaving the dump, and the check-in cashier said "I oughta swat you!", which was cute. But I knew I was brain tired. I won't be driving today.

Even came home and crashed without showering, which I've done a few times after very long days. I just needed to shut my brain down. Slept good. Major internal revamping going on.