01-14-2018, 05:44 PM
Not sure if I'm getting the effects of 3.2 already or placebo. But I've been finding myself really digging down into my own self worth and love for myself. It's funny because everything I've ever read about meditation or positive thinking is to observe negative thoughts and realize they aren't the "self". But they are the self, they come from somewhere, and they have a source. I'm realizing I've been disregarding that emotionally damaged part of myself and writing it off as negative thoughts or ego or whatever. I've built up this somewhat functional exterior that barely gets me through life, but there's another part of me that's deeply dysfunctional.
Which brings me to the subject of self worth and self love. How do you show love for yourself if you don't love yourself? It's like a paradox. I'm pretty much throwing out all the advice I've ever read over the years because about 90% of it is utter crap. One thing that landed me in trouble is constantly judging myself for having negative emotions. Not being positive enough, not being happy enough, not loving myself enough, etc. So in a addition to feeling like utter shit, I criticized myself heavily for it. Never giving myself a break for dealing with all this crap. I think that's what self love love is, the good and the bad. Unconditional love, knowing that even though you believe you're an unwanted person you give yourself that space to acknowledge that part of yourself that feels those things instead of judging it.
So far I've come to the conclusion that my fear of women has nothing to do with women. I put up a good facade, I can get by pretty well and build some attraction. But it all comes tumbling down once things get more real. In the end I can't accept any attraction from women if I don't even like myself to begin with. That's the fear and always has been. I know deep down I carry these feelings inside me and I avoid situations where it's possible for them to be exposed.
This level of lack of self worth. I just don't really have words to describe it. It's not like I can look back on an earlier memory and be like "oh yeah, that's when I felt good about myself". No, it's blank, I've never known what that is which is why it's so hard for me to feel it. Which is why vague platitudes like "love yourself" and "be more positive about yourself" are like a kick to the nuts. These problems go way deeper than simply bad habits of thinking negatively on the conscious level. I guess you could say I'm sick of people who think the solution to longstanding mental health issues lies in some overly simplistic pop psychology garbage.
Which brings me to the subject of self worth and self love. How do you show love for yourself if you don't love yourself? It's like a paradox. I'm pretty much throwing out all the advice I've ever read over the years because about 90% of it is utter crap. One thing that landed me in trouble is constantly judging myself for having negative emotions. Not being positive enough, not being happy enough, not loving myself enough, etc. So in a addition to feeling like utter shit, I criticized myself heavily for it. Never giving myself a break for dealing with all this crap. I think that's what self love love is, the good and the bad. Unconditional love, knowing that even though you believe you're an unwanted person you give yourself that space to acknowledge that part of yourself that feels those things instead of judging it.
So far I've come to the conclusion that my fear of women has nothing to do with women. I put up a good facade, I can get by pretty well and build some attraction. But it all comes tumbling down once things get more real. In the end I can't accept any attraction from women if I don't even like myself to begin with. That's the fear and always has been. I know deep down I carry these feelings inside me and I avoid situations where it's possible for them to be exposed.
This level of lack of self worth. I just don't really have words to describe it. It's not like I can look back on an earlier memory and be like "oh yeah, that's when I felt good about myself". No, it's blank, I've never known what that is which is why it's so hard for me to feel it. Which is why vague platitudes like "love yourself" and "be more positive about yourself" are like a kick to the nuts. These problems go way deeper than simply bad habits of thinking negatively on the conscious level. I guess you could say I'm sick of people who think the solution to longstanding mental health issues lies in some overly simplistic pop psychology garbage.
INFP
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