DMSI 3.2 it's official

[Zane]

God damnit. I matched with this cute girl on okcupid and she said she made electronic music. Cooked some dinner thinking I'd message her after. Opened up the app and she was gone. Either she accidentally liked me, she was actually a bot, or she found someone better. I feel like the universe just played me for a fool.

It happens man. Plenty of fish in the sea, even in okc XD

Didnt knew we were attracting "fishes" also...Still I find Pussy better than fish

[Adrien Silva]

So dmsi doesn't work for internet dating?

[mat422]

So dmsi doesn't work for internet dating?

I honestly don't see how it could. Internet dating in general is a crapshoot and tends to be based on snap judgement

[mat422]

Going through another rough patch. Worst one yet. It's got me thinking about healing in general again.

Basically my approval seeking behavior to appear well adjusted and "normal" has caused me to push away deeper stuff that needs healing. It's also caused me to abandon healing midway through in an attempt to look more competent on this forum. I still have shame over dealing with both depression and anxiety and it's that shame that prevents me from really letting go of it. It acts as a barrier to acknowledging it in the first place.

I should be healing to get better. Not to gain validation from others that I'm a more functional member of society. You ever just wake up and realize, what have I done for myself lately? The answer for me is nothing. Everything seems to be externally motivated. This is why I'm depressed all the time, I'm lead around on a leash by the whims of others. I don't practice my own free will or choice.

I've gotten really good at convincing even myself that I'm happy when I'm not. I don't like when other people worry over me or become upset because of me. So a lot of the time I lie to myself and others that things are going good and leave it at that. I manage for a week or two, until it starts eating at me. Like the other day at work, I couldn't keep lying to myself that this type of life was good for me.

I just don't understand why it's more important for me to appear well adjusted in the eyes of others vs accepting what I struggle with at times and being ok with that. Even with DMSI, I've made progress and then I want to appear like I'm moving along at a faster pace than I actually am. It's like I'm trying to outrun this emotionally damaged part of myself out of shame vs showing myself compassion and healing it.

The deeper I go with all this the more comes up. It gets to the point where I start to question if who I've been for the last few years is even me. Or if it was just a fabricated personality I created to deal with the challenges of life.

[findingme]

I can absolutely relate to that frustration Matt. I, too, have had anger (and even momentary depression) over the norm of "do you think I'm good enough? If you do, then I can feel good" They are well-entrenched social habits of mine, and it's rather draining.

Maybe we'll get past this. ....And I'm not sure we have a choice of going around it or going through it. DMSI is going right into it, it seems.

[Zane]

Matt have u tried giving 2 loops a try..? I did give one loop a try for a month and right now I am giving two a try to see how stuff goes

[mat422]

I can absolutely relate to that frustration Matt. I, too, have had anger (and even momentary depression) over the norm of "do you think I'm good enough? If you do, then I can feel good" They are well-entrenched social habits of mine, and it's rather draining.

Maybe we'll get past this. ....And I'm not sure we have a choice of going around it or going through it. DMSI is going right into it, it seems.

I thought I could go around it some way. But I'm coming to the conclusion this is something I have to deal with and it's not going to be as easy as I had hoped it would be. So now I just have to take it as it comes and stop setting expectations for how I'm going to progress.

Matt have u tried giving 2 loops a try..? I did give one loop a try for a month and right now I am giving two a try to see how stuff goes

I haven't. Did Shannon say 2 loops was ok to experiment with now? I honestly don't think it's a quantity thing. At this point I don't see how 2 loops could benefit me other than taxing my brain more. The main thing is just following the instructions and getting whatever parts of myself aren't on board cooperating. I don't think brute forcing it with more loops will have an effect for me.

[mat422]

Just had an epiphany. This pain was so bad. Like just feeling I was dying. All the fear, the unworthiness, the feeling like an absolute failure. I have to retract my statement about going through all this. We don't have to suffer to heal.

These past few weeks I've been throwing myself in a metaphorical fire of emotional pain and suffering. Thinking if I just somehow outlasted all the pain I'd come out the other side changed. All I was doing was retraumatizing myself over and over. Meanwhile the part of me trying to help by encouraging me with positive words and trying to build me up was ignored as a delusion or wishful thinking.

The solution is and always has been simple. If I feel like a failure or that I'm worthless I have to do whatever it takes to change that thinking. I don't have to accept it as some truth. And even if it's hard to change at first, that doesn't mean thinking positively is useless. By giving up, I just gave more power to the negative and built it up as this inherent truth or reality.

I've been keeping myself down for too long. Every time negative thoughts creeped in I'd allow them and I endlessly think about them instead of just rejecting them and changing them. I don't have to believe those awful things about myself anymore. I don't know why I'm so insistent that those negative things about myself are my identity. Maybe it's just the fact I've lived like that for so long and it's really just ingrained in me.

The one good thing about going through all that pain though is it pushed me to a point where I knew I had to do something different. Honestly I was having suicidal thoughts earlier this week but they are gone now. Not that I was planning anything, but it got to a point where I didn't see a way out or a better life and I was questioning if ending it would be less painful in the long run. But I have this feeling of happiness right now because I can just choose to love myself and throw away all those negative things that were getting to me.

I feel like this is a huge step forward for me. Realizing that I can let go of these limitations I've put on myself for what I am or am not deserving of in life. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted and instead of crushing myself with all these negative thoughts and feelings, I'm elevating myself with positivity and self love.

[dissonance]

God damnit. I matched with this cute girl on okcupid and she said she made electronic music. Cooked some dinner thinking I'd message her after. Opened up the app and she was gone. Either she accidentally liked me, she was actually a bot, or she found someone better. I feel like the universe just played me for a fool.

It happens man. Plenty of fish in the sea, even in okc XD

Thanks man. I've chilled out a bit lol. The initial hype and the letdown though.

Dude ever since I got tinder 2 months ago, I've had 30+ of these types of experiences. Some were more built up and longer interactions where it seemed like were really into each other, and some were less so. Every one of them was a learning experience. But FUCK some of them were harsh lessons lol

It's true though there's plenty of fish. Although every once in a while it might seem like theres a girl who just fits the bill thats so rare and unique and seemingly perfect... Fuck the dating apocalypse man. seriously

[Leo1990]

Its best not to create a generic profile on tinder. Do something unique. I remember doing something with Post-it notes and making a joke out of my profile, and it was pretty funny.

Got 50 matches the first day. So overwhelming that I deleted my account. I couldn't talk to all of them.

[mat422]

I'm starting to see just how badly my assumptions about things hold me back in life. For a fair bit of time now I've wanted to make money off my music or at the very least be able to build a lifestyle around it. Don't care about being famous or anything, just being able to make a comfortable living doing what I love would be good enough for me. But man I can only speak for myself, I find myself incredibly judgemental of what it means to be an artist. As if somehow struggling makes my work have more "depth" or whatever. Such nonsense like making money off of it somehow devalues the integrity of it.

In general I feel like artists and creative types are more likely to get shafted in this world. We're constantly told art doesn't hold any real merit compared to more important jobs like being some big ceo of a company. So we've all been told to be happy with crumbs. And again I think it's a self worth thing. Valuing my own work enough to know I'm deserving of success. The starving artists myth has to die, it doesn't make an artist any more "real" or "authentic" than one that makes money off their art.

Going along with all this. Having sex with a lot of women or casual hookups in general. I'm still shaking that conditioning that makes me feel like a bad person for wanting something like that. Black and white thinking again. Either I'm a good guy in a committed relationship or I'm sleeping with tons of women and hurting them by not being committed. Being monogamous doesn't somehow make me a better person. I just think it does. I guess one of my fears with DMSI is I'll turn into this aloof jackass. Same sort of fear I had with AM when I ran it. So I stick to old views and beliefs so I don't potentially hurt someone.

I think DMSI is just clashing with really ingrained values I've held over the years. I think this also has to do with my MBTI type being INFP. Fi being my primary function, my whole world is built on an internal value system but it's my perception of what's right or wrong. Redefining those values may not feel right, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. And I think that's where I get caught up the most with DMSI, being too stubborn in my existing beliefs instead of revising them. I think it's time I really dissect what I believe and be willing to change how I view things instead of automatically going with what feels right.

[mat422]

More stuff. I think I've been resisting the anxiety relief in DMSI. In some odd way I'm anxious about letting go of anxiety? It's weird but I have this fear that if I relax my life will fall apart or that I'll fall apart. I'm constantly panicked feeling like my time is running out to achieve what I want in life, but I've realized it's those kinds of thoughts that actually prevent me from thinking clearly about how I'm going to achieve everything,

So I've just been practicing taking deep breaths and slowing down on everything. Disconnecting from that frantic energy I seem to always be wired with. I need to learn how to relax better. My minds always going a mile a minute worrying about all kinds of stuff. It's not good for my music either. I try to cram it all in instead of taking breaks and let myself breathe for a bit. It's weird but that frantic mindset seems to alter perception of time as well. When I'm relaxed and calm I notice time moves much more slowly and I feel like I make the most of it.

It's just so bizarre how something as helpful as anxiety relief makes me anxious. Fear of relaxation? Apparently that's a thing for me.

[Shannon]

The fact that people are afraid of being freed from their fears was a big shocker to me, at first. But a lot of people labor under the delusion that their fears keep them safe.

Being afraid of letting go of your anxiety is just another way of saying you're afraid of not being afraid because then you might not "be safe". Anxiety is just fear with a different name.

Fear does not keep you safe. Common sense keeps you safe. You know better than to jump off a skyscraper if you want to stay alive even while standing on the ground, right? No fear of heights then, is there.

[mat422]

The fact that people are afraid of being freed from their fears was a big shocker to me, at first. But a lot of people labor under the delusion that their fears keep them safe.

Being afraid of letting go of your anxiety is just another way of saying you're afraid of not being afraid because then you might not "be safe". Anxiety is just fear with a different name.

Fear does not keep you safe. Common sense keeps you safe. You know better than to jump off a skyscraper if you want to stay alive even while standing on the ground, right? No fear of heights then, is there.

Makes perfect sense. How do I get my subconscious to realize that though? And have you ever personally dealt with this Shannon?

I recall I reached the conclusion about fear of letting go of fear when I first ran EHPRA ver. 1. Despite understanding how ridiculous it was I wasn't able to get past it. The more I grappled with trying to let go of the fear, the more fear I experienced. Eventually I realized that I wasn't able to deal with fear directly so I just focused on what I could improve. It was a compromise at the time. It seems like DMSI won't settle for that compromise so I'm continually pushing up against that fear.

Is this what you were working on with beast? Or along the same lines of it as the cause of resistance?