DMSI 3.1 - The Journal

[Shawn]

Yesterday was almost day off from learning as there was a party where I have been. Several people said that I look very serious instead of relaxed or like having fun and after thinking about it the best way I can describe my expression is "worried". I realized that there is something deep under the surface going on for me in such situations as I can say I have fun on a logical level but on the emotional level it is just stress. On the surface I feel more like I don't care and I am relaxed but there seem to be a part of me which is afraid to make the slightest mistake - or even something that could be interpreted by someone as mistake. This part needs validation and approval by other people for every single thing I am doing or saying and it needs it all the time over and over to be satisfied. This big insecurity is asking for every thing I do "Do I this right?", "It is ok to do it this way?", "Can someone be offended by what I am doing?", etc., which causes a lot of pressure to do all things "right", but the right thing for one person could be the wrong thing for someone else so it can never be right for all people. This must be addressed, healed and outgrown before I really succeed in my life.

Here are some highlights from the party without mentioning every IOI:

- People were open and even if I went alone I was invited to join a group very soon (but I knew the people, just not hanging out with them).

- Later when I was alone for some time a group of girls invited me to dance with them. They were open and one of them seemed interested but even if I tried to be open and relaxed I couldn't and was somehow closed off.

- I approached a girl who was dancing close to me by saying something situation related but just gave me a strange look so I stopped there.

- Even later a girl I knew but never talked to her more than hello started talking with me and invited me for a dance. While the guy she was flirting with before grabbed some drinks she started dancing with me in a sexual way. However, this guy was more confident and assertive than me - but not the dominant Alpha1 type just more the Ascendant alpha type - and he got the girl at the end.

- I wonder if the IDGAF attitude makes us too indifferent to take action in some situations. So while I still see it as a good thing I am asking myself if it favors resistance in some cases.

- I noticed almost no aura projection yesterday while still having good reactions. I wonder if the heat may be also related to unhealed emotions related to sexuality when aura is projecting.