Counting Sheep - Overcoming Fear v.4

[Ampersnd]

Day 23 / 210,

I've noticed that my ability to visualize my goals and dream states are much easier now.
At the same time, I get a persistently good feeling as I go through each of the items on my "It Works" list and visualize that I've accomplished them. I perform this visualization to an interval timer; 18 seconds ON, then 6 seconds to break focus and re-focus on something new. This timer is on a loop.

The feeling of doubt - or my visualization getting hi-jacked into a negative outcome - is near zero. I can portray the scene very easily. If anything interferes, I let the timer repeat itself.

This morning, I spent an easy 35 minutes going through every item on my list and... simply put, felt great about accomplishing each of these things.

I think that I was unconsciously sabotaging my goals and desires.

[Ampersnd]

Also, I tested my deadlift after years of not touching it. Was seriously lifting my deadlift in 2015 after capped at around 345 lbs.

I've been doing cleans and other explosive lifts,  so I figured that I would give it a try.
Today, I hit a PR of 385 pounds. I tried 405 (4 plates) but tired myself out from all of the sets to build up to it. The bar bended but I bailed before any lifting actually happened.
Maybe next week I'll give it a more serious try.

[Ampersnd]

Day 30 / 210,

I've finished building my video course. It's up on Gumroad.
And now... I don't really give a shit about promoting it, though I know that I should.
In fact, I feel as though I've hit a stalemate about any action that could make me money.
I'm working hard on the self-image/mindset of someone who makes money. I think that this is in conflict on a sub-conscious level.

My thoughts are so silly, such as: "I don't know what's so great about making money online. You'll have to continue making it the next day."

[Ampersnd]

Day 32 / 210,

I'd say that virtually ALL of my CONSCIOUS fears have been dampened to zero.
However, it's the UNCONSCIOUS fears where I'm probably still battling my devils.
Having some mood swings and differing opinions towards doing my daily things.

Started a new remote job on Monday, working in Tech/IT instead of my medical job.
The change of habit is nice, so is the upward mobility associated, which is refreshing.

Last couple of days have been humid and stuffy, making it difficult to get a full night's sleep.

[Sky]

Day 32 / 210,

I'd say that virtually ALL of my CONSCIOUS fears have been dampened to zero.
However, it's the UNCONSCIOUS fears where I'm probably still battling my devils.
Having some mood swings and differing opinions towards doing my daily things.

Started a new remote job on Monday, working in Tech/IT instead of my medical job.
The change of habit is nice, so is the upward mobility associated, which is refreshing.

Last couple of days have been humid and stuffy, making it difficult to get a full night's sleep.

I'm really happy for you! I'm feeling the release of fears for myself each day as I grow mentally on OFv4.

[Ampersnd]

Day 33 / 210,

I woke up today, and checked in to work.
Had a full night of sleep; slept excellently, as the night air was fresh and brisk.
I then had been filled with a feeling of joy and satisfaction; not strictly because of the new job, but because I know that I'll be able to reach my goals.

Have been looking at walking tours of giant cruise ships. I really want to attend one. Look up 'Symphony of the Seas'

[Ampersnd]

Day 34 / 210,

A deeper psychology to people's fear: worry of impact, and its consequences.

I notice that I give it my all when I'm punching the bag, or the air, but I become coquette about punching a living person, even when they tell me to hit harder.

If I won't do the latter, what's the point of doing the former?

Naturally, I understand that I won't have a training partner if I go for the knockout in my practice drills.
But I hold back due to worry about the consequences of my impact; I don't want to hurt or maim, or crack bones.

By analogy, I do well in practice, but I'm not applying my skills in a realistic scenario.
In fact, through my twenties, I've shied away from doing so.

This subliminal ought to remove this faulty safeguard, all while granting me the diligence to apply appropriate and proportional care in cases with actual stakes.

[Ampersnd]

I did a 10-minute time trial on the rowing machine. I do it every month.
Beat it by 18 meters since last month with a total of 2920 meters. It was 2902 meters last month.

My deal with myself is that I get Burger King if I succeed. (LOVE BK, by the way)
So far, I've managed to get BK every single month since I've made that deal.

Then, went to a fairly intense kickboxing class.
After it ended, I tried to beat my curl-up/chin-up records and did 18 reps, an all-time high since high school. I did 15 on Tuesday.

I was quite anxious to complete the rowing time trial, and felt a bit stressed about 6 hours beforehand.
This was because I had done a lot of running for my training and was worried that it would not translate.

[Ampersnd]

Day 36 / 210,
My desire to do many things matches my fear of doing them. Zero.

Have seen some pretty gals at the gym. I'm a 0.5/10 in desire to approach, and perhaps a 1/10 in terms of potential embarrassment from doing it under that situation (context, who's around, etc.).

[Ampersnd]

Day 37 / 210,

Was out in public today with a couple of work friends (from my previous job).
Getting feelings of sadness, with that feeling of tears in the eyes.
I could see that look of sadness in one of my recordings while half-heartedly trying to make a guitar cover. Haven't done much practice of that song so wasn't expecting a perfect take.

Not in the mood for very much besides guitar practice and video games, so I put in about 4-5 hours of guitar practice today.

[Ampersnd]

Day 40,

To be clear about my usage patterns, I've been doing it as follows:

2 loops 1 day ON, 1 day OFF.
This is technically "double" what the normal usage is. For whatever reason, this is what I felt compelled to follow.

[Ampersnd]

Day 41,

I did 21 consecutive chin-ups (actually curl-ups) with my own bodyweight today!
I was only able to do 12-15 last week, which is really bizarre how much I've improved

[Ampersnd]

Day 42 / 210,

My conscious mind is screaming at my inner elephant (my unconscious), but the elephant doesn't want to walk to Mecca; it's enjoying the watering hole and just hanging out.

I'm actually somewhat content doing nothing at the moment; it's my higher brain that's panicking that I'm not making forward progress.

I think that a lot of my drive for success and fitness might be related to avoidance of pain rather than pure enjoyment; this means that addressing my unconscious fears translates to a loss of drive, given that I have fewer positive drivers and motivators.

[Ampersnd]

Day 46 / 210,

Had an actual shift in my dreams last night.
Usually, when I have a "sex" dream, I usually have a woman who's game to sleep with me, but I find myself looking for a place to do the deed, and get distracted with some side quest (someone talks to us and pulls us away from the opportunity).

Last night, I was talking, and then fucking a woman probably 8-10 years younger than me (I'm 30) in the guest bedroom of my parents house. And I liked it. (Don't remember finishing in the dream). I even warned my mom "don't go in the guest bedroom" without feeling too bad about it.

I think this might signal that I've dropped some unconscious shame about sex.

Two nights ago, after a few days of feeling lackluster and unproductive, I felt a shift in my will. I began to demand of myself to apply my will against the universe and to bend it to my goals.

I'm working to develop firmer foundations in web dev and computer science (design patterns, database design) for the purpose of understanding and developing in web3. This will help fuel the next step of my career and an eventual business.

I've also built some momentum in my guitar practice and fitness. This momentum began to build A BIT with my singing, where I approached my teacher with questions on how to build a practice plan, etc.