Counting Sheep - Overcoming Fear v.4

[Sky]

Day 105 / 210,

Am officially halfway through the 7-month run.

I'm officially 4 months and some days in, do you have the urge to run other subs or are you content with your progress so far?

[Ampersnd]

Day 105 / 210,

Am officially halfway through the 7-month run.

I'm officially 4 months and some days in, do you have the urge to run other subs or are you content with your progress so far?

Sure do!
I'm mentally alternating between Ultimate Monetary Success, DMSI, and Ultimate Learning Speed.

[dissonance]

results so far? what types of things you fear that have been successfully overcome with this?

[Ampersnd]

I'll write a mid-run review when I have the 20 minutes to sit down and do it

[Ampersnd]

Day 119 / 210,

Time for a mid-run review.
A lot of the benefits that I've experienced from this run are a bit abstract and esoteric. I will do my best to list them here.

* As mentioned earlier, a drop in insincerity - sarcasm, irony, making my intentions muddy - and the emergence of a kinder, more earnest version of myself.
* When I'm in a meeting at work, I'm still cautious and considerate, trying to not speak out of turn - I'm only three months into a new role in a new career - but that maneuvering does not come with the feeling of worry or fear.
* A loss of dread about the future; I used to be very worried about what would happen if I got fired from my new tech job. Though my career is in its infancy, I figured that "I'll keep learning and apply to a new job". I'll be fine.
* As a metric, the time-to-act - on a needed action - is reduced. I have fewer internal discussions about it.
* I've surprisingly become less interested in dating. I thought that I would eliminate my approach anxiety and crush it at dating, but I question how much I really have in common with the women I'm pursuing, other than my physical attraction. The time and energy lost just to bust a nut with a pretty person with no common ground could be spent towards something more productive.

Current drawbacks:
* I've experienced an increase in dread and worry about competing in contact sports, as the prospect of it is higher than it's ever been. Practically, it would draw on a ton of my time, resources, energy, pulling them away from my current efforts, projects, and purpose, so it doesn't make sense. But, on a psychic level, I know that I'd like to perform at that level of pressure, and that it would benefit me as a person.
* I'm at a weird transitional period in my life, where I know that I need to keep doing my daily tasks, but the payoff is a while away, and so every week feels a lot like 'Groundhog Week'. Not 100% related to this sub, but something like UMS would possibly shift my weekly actions.

My intention is to run this sub until AT LEAST X-Mas 2022, but come the 5 month mark, I'll possibly be tempted to move on.
First choice for next sub: Ultimate Monetary Success (to develop financial freedom)
Second choice: Develop Maximum Sexual Irresistibility (perhaps to turn around my feelings about dating)

[Ampersnd]

Day 127 / 210,

Keeping it moving. My kickboxing coach seems a bit jealous that I'm giving my weightlifting a bit more attention (following a squat program for the next 8 weeks). I know she wants me to compete; I still have about 7 months before the competition month.

[Ampersnd]

Day 130 / 210,

I wonder if there is such a thing as 'fear of future work', which causes procrastination in the moment.
The subconscious rationale is as follows:
  "If I'm productive now and finish the task I've been assigned, I will probably be given a new (unknown) task. The unknown frightens me, and since I don't know if I have what it takes to address this future task, I won't make progress on my task today. I will draw out the amount of time it requires to mentally prepare myself for the future task, and to postpone its arrival."

This translates to laziness, a slow work pace, distractions, etc.
I believe that I've overcome this fear, in part, today. As it's only been one hour and I've moved the needle on about 4 tasks.
It helps that I put in over 8 hours of sleep last night.

[Ampersnd]

Day 133 / 210,

I'm becoming a bit impatient. In the middle of a deep learning course, so all forward progress feels like the 'middle'.
Also, not all of the material is sinking in, so I know that I'll benefit from repeating the video lectures.
Watching/reading anything for a second time will feel like the true 'first' time, where the information gets downloaded directly into your memory with proper classification, as your brain will have unconsciously sorted many things 'behind the scenes' as you've slept and spent time away.

I want to run DMSI next. Possibly starting in January 2023.

[Ampersnd]

Day 134 / 210,

The last few days I've experienced a certain amount of social freedom that I hadn't experienced before.

Over the last few days, I applied a yes-mentality towards social offers being made toward me, which helped me expand myself a bit.

I attended:
- A social dinner, Xmas related, with my new job/company (this one was more or less mandatory)
- A potluck with a gym I visit. I'm usually professional about it, but the jokes were flowing out of me; I was comfortable with them, with very little alcohol from my part.
- Watched some UFC fights with a few people from my gym, and one of the guy's house.
- Went to the bar to intercept a woman that I hook up with. Felt comfortable enough at the bar itself, and I eventually took her back to my place. Once I chatted with her, I just felt comfortable and free.
- Some target practice on Sunday. Someone from my company took me out of town and let me use their gun.

The only time I felt uncomfortable was when I entered the bar, and I didn't know anyone. Some women turned to look at me (I've been packing on some muscle) and I was feeling the pressure. Getting uncomfortable from the dynamic.

I've been taking notes about flirting during the day, when I hear or see something that could work in a conversation. It's not an issue for me to do it once I've gotten the ball rolling, and when I know the woman likes me. My issue is in piercing the surface layer, breaking through to them without doing or saying something stupid or ridiculous.

I also attempted to chat up a complete hottie at the gym today, who used to work at the gym, but is now just an attendee. She gave one word, disinterested answers, and I had 2 or 3 brief exchanges, then bailed because it wouldn't have gone anywhere. My question was more of an observation, like "didn't you work here? I've only seen you come here, etc." There were actually a lot of really hot women at the gym today, but they all touched base with some guy, and then they would work out together; I assume that they're dating. I'm done taking negative social risks at my gym, as I've done my fair share of those.

So yes, absolutely running DMSI by the time this month's subscription is through.
My sense is that my current issues have to do with self esteem, self-confidence, my relationships with other people, and how 'deep' and intense I'm willing to go with people. It has to do with self comfort.

Furthermore, my main 'fears' - perhaps uncertainties at this point - have to do with sex/relationships and money, which would be resolved directly from DMSI and UMS.

However, I'm pleased with how I've unlocked a 'deeper layer' in unlocking my fears.

[Ampersnd]

Day 138 / 210,

I realize that, on most nights, I sleep in peace because I don't dread the challenges of the next day. I accept them for what they are.

[Ampersnd]

Day 140 / 210,

I need to continue OF, because my results are deepening, and continues to deepen.
I believe that it's doing deeper work on my sexuality.

Approached a pretty woman at the gym.
On a scale of 1 to 10, it took about a 1 in Courage to muster and to go up to her in the squat rack.
I didn't put a ton of energy into the conversation; spoke with a level-head, was friendly, and asked for the Instagram. Ask I was asking, she was preparing to say 'no' my ask for her number (fair enough).
Haven't gotten the follow back from her yet. That's fine, but I would prefer if she did; I did notice her cheeks flush a little bit near the end, and she was definitely engaging with the conversation.
Felt like she was already mine to enjoy.

I'm noticing a sensitivity to my daily experience; taking in the beauty of life without the need for grand moments which spike dopamine.
Think of a Zen warrior in a garden surrounded by colorful blossoms; they are taking it all in, they are one with the world.
I can gain something substantive from a feminine woman, even on a video, without any expectations. At the same time, I'm longing for more of those experiences

[Ampersnd]

Day 142 / 210,

Given that I suffered through a fever and cold for the previous 48 hours, you might disregard some of the things that I've written above.
Basically, that night after the gym, I couldn't sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time without being woken up by discomfort.

[Ampersnd]

Day 145 / 210,

I've just been struck with the realization of how miniscule of an impact any of my actions are.
My actions and words are only witnessed and remembered by 0.00001% (estimate) of the world's population, and for 0.00000001% (estimate) of the span of the universe
Which can be liberating but a bit frightening; allows you to do what you'd like, as long as you can accept what comes after. But the "comes after" part can be very short-'lived' through very few people, compared to the world population.

Though there's the flipside; if you break a law in a country where its population represents 0.1% of the world's jurisdiction, your life and freedom can be forfeit.
And a small town - even if 0.001% of the world's population - could spread around a message, so don't take this is a free coupon to do as you please.

[Ampersnd]

Day 156 / 210,

I've been meaning to set aside about 10 focused minutes to write my experiences with OF v.3.0 so far.
I intend on running this subliminal for at least one more solid month, and going as close to the 7-month mark as I can bear.
The inner world being done is very important, and I don't want to have to redo the progress I have achieved.

I can describe the changes I have experienced as nothing less than transformational.
Regardless, they translate to subtle shifts in attitude, but very visible changes in behavior.

Here is a brief list of benefits I've experienced:

• An increase in willingness to try new things, even on short notice. One weekend, I agreed to three novel experiences, even though they disrupted my usual schedule. One, however, was to get me laid with a regular gal, so I'm not sure if that would have been any different.
  
• A reduced desire to butt in to certain conversations (e.g., not trying to introduce my credentials or accomplishments). I just let the occasion draw out any skill that I have, and people will find out on their own.
  
• A reduction of sarcasm or irony when I communicate with other people. This must have been a mechanism I used to obscure my true beliefs.
  
• An increase in sincerity, which becomes concrete when I speak with others.
  
• An increase in warmth and goodwill towards others. This increased even for my family members. While visiting for a week, I found myself gravitating towards my parents, even during downtime. Normally, when not having meals, running errands, or having plans with extended family, I'd fall off and sit on my laptop, etc. Less so during this past visit.
  
• An increase in funniness; it's very easy to pull off comedic timing and to hold a comedic frame when you don't have fear pulling you one way or the other. Also, my mood is improved, making comedy easier.
  
• An increase in feelings of spirituality; these are not concrete doctrines (yet), but I feel more sensitive to the esoteric and to feelings.
  
• An occasional bubbling through of joy. It's hard to put this one into words, but it feels as though many clouds have parted, and the warm sunshine can pour through from time to time.
  
• The loss of dread about the next working day. For example, on a Sunday evening or in the late night of a weekday, I'm not hit with the thought: "fuck, not looking forward to work tomorrow". This might relate to my lack of dread when having to take sudden phone calls, or when any particular person reaches out to me.
  
• An almost complete loss of "approach anxiety"; I do consider how many other people will hear and a couple of other things, but if I have the hunch to approach, I tend to follow it now. My main concern is reputational damage; for example, not becoming "that guy" at the gym.
  
• An increase in optimism about my future, about conducting business, and of making lots and lots of money.
  

Note that the reduction of fear doesn't mean the loss of feeling; I'm now much more freed up to consider many other things. Social appropriateness is a big one, because certain risky behaviors come at a cost.

I know that they say that courage is the decision to act well against your instincts instructing you otherwise.
But in light of the results I've experienced, I the need for constant courage as analogous to struggling against a bungie cord tied to your back, resisting every inch of forward motion. The farther you pull forward, the more needless effort is dedicated towards resisting the backwards pull, the less you can speak and act naturally. Why not just cut those cords and use that liberated energy towards achieving your goals?

Why is it seen as valiant to perpetually suffer an inner struggle that I can realistically win with a redirection of your subconscious?

Next Subliminal
For my next step, I want to address women and dating.
Overall, I think that I'm logically a good match to a lot of women:

• I've worked on my style and overall look and would rank myself as *at least* a 7-8/10, skewing higher if you factor in the body.
  
• I take care of my appearance and have a solid, reasonably muscled frame. I also have a small waist.
  
• I take the initiative and have done "cold approach" on a large number of women, which has led to some Instagrams and phone numbers, but very few have expressed enthusiasm towards any further contact. Many (many) times, they don't respond to my initial message; others simply ghost partway through.
  
• I make decent money and am ambitious. I speak multiple languages. I'm evenly balanced between feeling and fact.
  
• I've never been afraid to escalate sexually
  

But still, something is not connecting, and I don't have even a fraction of the results I'd like.

The women I'm most attracted to just don't seem to be attracted to me. This has dealt a bit of a blow to how attractive I consider myself; not in the micro, individual case - for example, a single ghosting - but in the big picture, where it's almost as though I am rejected wholesale by the totality of pretty women. I have a decently high view of myself, but it doesn't get reflected in the real world.

I have also noticed that many people at my gym - men and women - are social and talk to each other. I've been going for 5-6 years and I've gotten virtually no interactions that I haven't started myself.
They've probably met at the gym as well. I must be putting out an energy that I'd rather be left alone. That or I'm repulsing women. This realization has greatly reduced that "hunch" I've had to approach women, as it feels as though I'm doing more harm than good each time I do it. I'd like to change that.

I realize that I'm the common denominator for any consistent failures or successes, but it gets a bit irritating that I don't get a clear cut feedback mechanism, meaning that I'm forced to repeat my mistakes.

What's a boy to do? And so, I will be running X4A-1000 next. I refuse to be ignored.

(And yes, Subliminal Shop may use this entry - or a portion of it - as a testimonial)