CURAGA - Antaeus’ E3 Journal

[Antaeus]

OK so I haven’t really given any updates as of late due to my busy schedule but I’ll go ahead and get some observations that I’ve seen. I work as a contract electrical helper doing work at a major pipeline company. I’ve been there four months so far And lately at work (I’m still trying to Get accustomed To the work). I’m obviously having some trouble catching on to somethings and I find myself getting very frustrated when I make mistakes especially when some of the other electricians get on my ass about it. This is obviously not their fault as they are rightfully so Just trying to get things done. But for some reason I’m responding horribly to the criticism. I don’t lash out or anything I just get quiet For the rest of the day. I absolutely hate when I do this and I’ve always been pretty sensitive and I’m hoping that this sub will help me deal with this issue.

I think a lot of it stems from dealing with criticism from my dad as a kid. Now some criticism is good obviously when it’s constructive. But my dad used to holler and scream whenever he’d get frustrated with me Or just lose patience very quickly. Most of this behavior from him is part of the reason my mom divorced him aside from his own insecurity and unwillingness to really do anything with his life. Logically I know all of this and I know it’s not my fault or really my problem. But I think there is a wound there that needs to be tended to. One bad habit I have is consistently talking about it with mom and constantly replaying all those scenes in my head over and over again. Unfortunately today he just gets crazier and crazier. I do love him but it’s getting to the point where I don’t even like to speak to him. I really do believe that if I didn’t have this issue to deal with I’d probably deal with criticism at work a little bit better. Don’t wanna pass blame here and make excuses but simply pointing out what needs to be dealt with. How to deal with it I’m not really sure.

I found myself getting very angry lately especially since I’ve started the sub. I am in charge of taking care of work permits in the morning. And my supervisor did something This past Monday which (though unintentionally) slowed me down on getting the work permits Done in a reasonable time. I often get frustrated with him because he’s kind of a nitwit. But for some reason this made me particularly angry. Sometime after the permits were done and I had to go back to a little room where I keep A binder with all the forms for the permits. I just got so angry that I flung my binder up against the wall. Just lost my temper. This is not like me at all not usually at least. I do believe I have some anger issues lingering beneath surface. But I never show my anger to anybody. I always have to do it in private most often in my car Or I can scream without anybody hearing me.

Sometimes I have daydreams about becoming this cold person towards people. Logically I would never carry this out but these Thoughts worry me. And I ask myself a A few questions: am I a narcissist?A Socio path? Am I becoming either one of these things? I feel like I’m seriously fucked up in the head. I know I’ve done many things for people in the past And just gotten shit on time after time. But somehow I have to remember that this does not apply to everyone, that was just a few people.

I thought about seeing a therapist for these issues though I’m not sure how much it will help. But I might wait until I get better insurance that will cover it. In the meantime I need to carry on with my job and just try to take the criticism in stride as much as I can. I need to otherwise I will lose my job.