CURAGA - Antaeus’ E3 Journal

[Antaeus]

After attempting to run a few different subs and facing massive indecisiveness I have decided that healing is my first priority. I had unfortunately faced some disappointment with my results of my first run of AM6 and learned the hard way that I should’ve done some healing and clearing beforehand. It is common in these forums to hear of users doing E2 or E1 first before doing AM6 and now that E3 is out it’s nice to be able to do this journey with the latest version of this title.

Here are the current tech specs of my run:

Device: iPad 2017, 128GB
Music Player App: MusiCloud
Audio Format: FLAC
Format: Ultrasonic (silent)
Receiver: Sony STR-DH190
Speakers: Polk T15 Bookshelf Speakers

iPad volume:75%
Reciever volume: 42/74
iPad eq setting: Jazz

There are a couple of reasons other that doing this as a prerequisite to my second run of AM6:

-Problems with over sensitivity 
-Problems with taking criticism
-Emotional reactiveness
-History of being picked on and self esteem issues resulting from it
-Dysfunctional thinking/dark thoughts
-History of suicidal thoughts
-history of mild depression (undiagnosed and untreated)
-Self Esteem issues supposedly connected to criticism from my overbearing dad and also his current attempts to try and control me and my decisions

I could go on and on with more reasons. But I have concluded after much soul-searching that this is the sub I really need to be running right now. Any other subs can come later...especially my second run of AM6.

I have already started this journey as of last Sunday, September 29, 2019.

Days 1-7 (including today): 

Nothing too profound. Just really angry and irritable. Lots of being in my head and imagining worst case scenarios/fantasies regarding my relationships with others. Had some stress and trouble keeping up to speed at work.

One of my main thoughts that kept flying through my mind was the idea that I should just go cold. Stop caring about people and just worry about my own life. Stop worrying about other people’s needs except for those who truly matter to me. Stop listening to people’s problems. Basically, just be a d**k. Logically I know this will not solve anything or make me feel better in any way. But I think these feelings stem from disappointment and anger with people who have used or taken advantage of me in the past. This is something I already knew of course and I don’t think was necessarily uncovered by the sub.

In any case I will continue with the program and see what unfolds.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Curaga... isn't that a spell in the Final Fantasy games?

[Antaeus]

Sure is.

[Antaeus]

Curaga... isn't that a spell in the Final Fantasy games?

Yep. Note the Griever logo in my avatar. I just wanted something a little different for my journals title. Emphasis on healing of course.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Cool! Big FF fan myself (well, up to 13 anyway) I'm stoked on the FFVII Remake coming out! That was THE game from my childhood that I'm most nostalgic about!

[CatMan]

LOL...love the FF reference.

I loved VII. But, despite the hate I always get, VIII is my favourite of them all.

I used to play two for SNES forever also.

My friend loved Tactics, I don't remember much of it.

Of them all, VIII I've played more hours than I could ever count. One of my all-time favourite games, I loved maxing out every single thing of each character over and over and over. The characters, story, locations, visuals, mobs, the works. Epic game.

EDIT: OMG...I just saw the Griever reference. Have I finally met someone who also loves VIII the most? Lmao...

[Antaeus]

Of them all, VIII I've played more hours than I could ever count. One of my all-time favourite games, I loved maxing out every single thing of each character over and over and over. The characters, story, locations, visuals, mobs, the works. Epic game.

EDIT: OMG...I just saw the Griever reference. Have I finally met someone who also loves VIII the most? Lmao...

Lol. I think you have CatMan. Viii was the first final fantasy game I was ever introduced to, I was 13 when I first played it and essentially got my own first copy for my 14th Birthday. I’m 31 now. I’ve played a little bit of vii recently and I am liking it so far, but viii just holds a special place in my heart.

Not just out of final fantasy games, but just out of video games in general, Final Fantasy VIII is easily one of my favorites if not my favorite video game of all time.

Question: have you seen the animated final fantasy parodies on YouTube? They’re freaking hilarious

[CatMan]

Of them all, VIII I've played more hours than I could ever count. One of my all-time favourite games, I loved maxing out every single thing of each character over and over and over. The characters, story, locations, visuals, mobs, the works. Epic game.

EDIT: OMG...I just saw the Griever reference. Have I finally met someone who also loves VIII the most? Lmao...

Lol. I think you have CatMan. Viii was the first final fantasy game I was ever introduced to, I was 13 when I first played it and essentially got my own first copy for my 14th Birthday. I’m 31 now. I’ve played a little bit of vii recently and I am liking it so far, but viii just holds a special place in my heart.

Not just out of final fantasy games, but just out of video games in general, Final Fantasy VIII is easily one of my favorites if not my favorite video game of all time.

Question: have you seen the animated final fantasy parodies on YouTube? They’re freaking hilarious

!!!!!!!!

[Antaeus]

Of them all, VIII I've played more hours than I could ever count. One of my all-time favourite games, I loved maxing out every single thing of each character over and over and over. The characters, story, locations, visuals, mobs, the works. Epic game.

EDIT: OMG...I just saw the Griever reference. Have I finally met someone who also loves VIII the most? Lmao...

Lol. I think you have CatMan. Viii was the first final fantasy game I was ever introduced to, I was 13 when I first played it and essentially got my own first copy for my 14th Birthday. I’m 31 now. I’ve played a little bit of vii recently and I am liking it so far, but viii just holds a special place in my heart.

Not just out of final fantasy games, but just out of video games in general, Final Fantasy VIII is easily one of my favorites if not my favorite video game of all time.

Question: have you seen the animated final fantasy parodies on YouTube? They’re freaking hilarious

!!!!!!!!

Haha....movie memes are awesome. But yea I think VIII gets a bad rap and I don’t understand why. But to each their own I guess.

[Antaeus]

OK so I haven’t really given any updates as of late due to my busy schedule but I’ll go ahead and get some observations that I’ve seen. I work as a contract electrical helper doing work at a major pipeline company. I’ve been there four months so far And lately at work (I’m still trying to Get accustomed To the work). I’m obviously having some trouble catching on to somethings and I find myself getting very frustrated when I make mistakes especially when some of the other electricians get on my ass about it. This is obviously not their fault as they are rightfully so Just trying to get things done. But for some reason I’m responding horribly to the criticism. I don’t lash out or anything I just get quiet For the rest of the day. I absolutely hate when I do this and I’ve always been pretty sensitive and I’m hoping that this sub will help me deal with this issue.

I think a lot of it stems from dealing with criticism from my dad as a kid. Now some criticism is good obviously when it’s constructive. But my dad used to holler and scream whenever he’d get frustrated with me Or just lose patience very quickly. Most of this behavior from him is part of the reason my mom divorced him aside from his own insecurity and unwillingness to really do anything with his life. Logically I know all of this and I know it’s not my fault or really my problem. But I think there is a wound there that needs to be tended to. One bad habit I have is consistently talking about it with mom and constantly replaying all those scenes in my head over and over again. Unfortunately today he just gets crazier and crazier. I do love him but it’s getting to the point where I don’t even like to speak to him. I really do believe that if I didn’t have this issue to deal with I’d probably deal with criticism at work a little bit better. Don’t wanna pass blame here and make excuses but simply pointing out what needs to be dealt with. How to deal with it I’m not really sure.

I found myself getting very angry lately especially since I’ve started the sub. I am in charge of taking care of work permits in the morning. And my supervisor did something This past Monday which (though unintentionally) slowed me down on getting the work permits Done in a reasonable time. I often get frustrated with him because he’s kind of a nitwit. But for some reason this made me particularly angry. Sometime after the permits were done and I had to go back to a little room where I keep A binder with all the forms for the permits. I just got so angry that I flung my binder up against the wall. Just lost my temper. This is not like me at all not usually at least. I do believe I have some anger issues lingering beneath surface. But I never show my anger to anybody. I always have to do it in private most often in my car Or I can scream without anybody hearing me.

Sometimes I have daydreams about becoming this cold person towards people. Logically I would never carry this out but these Thoughts worry me. And I ask myself a A few questions: am I a narcissist?A Socio path? Am I becoming either one of these things? I feel like I’m seriously fucked up in the head. I know I’ve done many things for people in the past And just gotten shit on time after time. But somehow I have to remember that this does not apply to everyone, that was just a few people.

I thought about seeing a therapist for these issues though I’m not sure how much it will help. But I might wait until I get better insurance that will cover it. In the meantime I need to carry on with my job and just try to take the criticism in stride as much as I can. I need to otherwise I will lose my job.

[Shannon]

It sounds like you're just trying to find a way to deal with all this to me. Making progress into unknown territory means you have to learn a new set of skills to deal with what is new.

[Antaeus]

It sounds like you're just trying to find a way to deal with all this to me.  Making progress into unknown territory means you have to learn a new set of skills to deal with what is new.

To be honest I’m not quite sure where to start. At least aside from what I’ve described in my last post. All this healing stuff is really kind of new to me. Are there any other tools you could recommend to help me develop the skills that I need? Or is this all dependent on the person?

[Shannon]

It sounds like you're just trying to find a way to deal with all this to me.  Making progress into unknown territory means you have to learn a new set of skills to deal with what is new.

To be honest I’m not quite sure where to start. At least aside from what I’ve described in my last post. All this healing stuff is really kind of new to me. Are there any other tools you could recommend to help me develop the skills that I need? Or is this all dependent on the person?

It is very much dependent on the individual.  I can suggest asking yourself why.  Why is X so?  And then trace that back, and ask again... why?  Until you understand more and more, which will reveal how and why you "tick" to a better degree of understanding.

Here is an example.  I used to have a thing about ripping off the edges of pages and rolling them up.  One day I realized this had become a habit.  I wondered where it came from.  I thought about it... why do I do this?  The answer was that it produced a sensation in the act of rolling the bits of paper up that I enjoyed.

But why do I enjoy it?  The answer, after long thought, traced back to when I was 2 and 3 years old.  I would play with my mother's hair, which was fine and soft.  It reminded me of the sensation of rubbing my mother's hair between my fingers.  

But why does that matter?  The answer turned out to be that a part of me associated that tactile sensation with the feeling of safety and security I got from being held by my mother.

So ultimately, I subconsciously developed this method of achieving that state subconsciously by replicating the sensation I associated with the experience to recreate and relive it subconsciously.  Why did I do it?  Because it made some part of me feel safe and secure.

From that question "why", I came to understand myself much better, and at that point, getting rid of the behavior was a relatively simple option.

[Antaeus]

So it’s been a while since I’ve journaled. It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling lately but lately I’ve just felt OK. I haven’t felt anything particularly bad no real depression in the last few weeks or anything. Although the stress of work has been kind of take it off my shoulders lately as the job is about to come to An end and I have to take some time off of work because I just had a hernia repair surgery.

Fortunately for me in terms of dealing with whatever I’m feeling beneath the surface. I have actually started to realize better than ever before that my best friend is somebody who I can confide in. He just recently came out of a divorce but has stated to me that Although the relationship was toxic to a certain extent he stated that he has come to a great awareness about mental health and the importance of emphasis on it. We have been hanging out much more regularly Since he and his wife split up. Not to mention he has also been confiding in me about things that he has been feeling when he was in the relationship and even things regarding his family. I have confided in him about some of the thoughts that I’ve had and things that I’ve been feeling whether it’s with family work or just other wounds that I might be dealing with Regarding things with my parents particularly my dad or things that we both had to deal with in grade school (we went to the same grade school) in terms of a lot of the bullies we had to deal with and just the toxic environment in general that our grade school was. Last time we hung out another friend from our circle in grade school joined us which I really appreciate it because I think he dealt with the brunt of the bullying and we just talked about a lot of things. Yo I wouldn’t say it was one of those things where we were crying and pulling out tissues. But being able to talk openly about our thoughts is definitely a very refreshing thing. I think instead of relying on a therapist (although I don’t wanna totally rule out that option) I definitely feel like it’s very therapeutic to speak with close friends who listen.