AwesomeYoungDude's Alpha Journal

[Spiral]

Yea everything those macho alpha men do in the movies works.

[AwesomeYoungDude]

Update Stage 2 week 3

- Decrease in insecurity. A co-worker found a minor problem with some of the work I had done. In the past this would have brought up feelings of anger, a need to justify why the problem occurred. This time I was cool. My face did not flush and I stayed calm. It was not an issue. The problem was minor and common place in my employment.
- Increase in spurts of euphoria and motivation. (This comes and goes in cycles).
- Increase in mental discipline. A marked reduction for a 5 day period in procrastination of mental activities with an increase in the capability to learn. I've had in my life spurts of this, but its been a very long time since I've had a period this long. I'm able to focus and force my self to continue on tasks. I'm more and more able to force myself to re-read something until I understand it completely despite the complexity. This includes reading, graphs, equations, processes, algorithms, flows, instructions, etc. The this state of mind is nirvana for me. I'm not procrastinating something which seems overwhelming to me because I lack the foundational information. An example that everyone would understand is if you missed a chapter in math and now had assigned home work in the next chapter. The burden of having to learn the previous chapter, along with its home work assignment, then learn the current chapter which you did not fully learn in class, because you lacked the foundation from the previous chapter, then do your current assignment all on top of the fact that learning is difficult mounted to a overweening burden to the point of inactivity. Now think about it if you are behind by 2 or three chapters. In the state I've been in for the last few days, I would take my lumps and start the work. The burden is not on my mind just the few steps ahead of me. Additionally in this state I would work through the previous chapter and understand it so that the next, chapter was easy. (I really hope that this state is the final outcome of AM11). I'm really tired of considering my self as lacking because I'm unable to force my self to remain diligently on task until a thing is learned. This feeling of lacking is the major source of lower self worth and insecurities.
- Starting to have more and more females hold eye contact for longer periods of time.
- Currently using Overcoming Procrastination 4G for 2-3 hours per day.
- Continued reduction in past sources of neediness. However a new set of neediness is coming up. The level of neediness for this new set does not have the depth or sting of the previous.
- Life is not perfect I daily struggle and have bouts of resistance. I have a long ways to go. I get but glimpses of what life can be, as if the sun is peeking through the clouds. I now expect that upon completion of AM11 these will no longer be glimpses but how life is.

My 5 days of mental focus has given way to 2 days of mental stupor.

[Patti]

Update Stage 2 week 3

- Decrease in insecurity. A co-worker found a minor problem with some of the work I had done. In the past this would have brought up feelings of anger, a need to justify why the problem occurred. This time I was cool. My face did not flush and I stayed calm. It was not an issue. The problem was minor and common place in my employment.
- Increase in spurts of euphoria and motivation. (This comes and goes in cycles).
- Increase in mental discipline. A marked reduction for a 5 day period in procrastination of mental activities with an increase in the capability to learn. I've had in my life spurts of this, but its been a very long time since I've had a period this long. I'm able to focus and force my self to continue on tasks. I'm more and more able to force myself to re-read something until I understand it completely despite the complexity. This includes reading, graphs, equations, processes, algorithms, flows, instructions, etc. The this state of mind is nirvana for me. I'm not procrastinating something which seems overwhelming to me because I lack the foundational information. An example that everyone would understand is if you missed a chapter in math and now had assigned home work in the next chapter. The burden of having to learn the previous chapter, along with its home work assignment, then learn the current chapter which you did not fully learn in class, because you lacked the foundation from the previous chapter, then do your current assignment all on top of the fact that learning is difficult mounted to a overweening burden to the point of inactivity. Now think about it if you are behind by 2 or three chapters. In the state I've been in for the last few days, I would take my lumps and start the work. The burden is not on my mind just the few steps ahead of me. Additionally in this state I would work through the previous chapter and understand it so that the next, chapter was easy. (I really hope that this state is the final outcome of AM11). I'm really tired of considering my self as lacking because I'm unable to force my self to remain diligently on task until a thing is learned. This feeling of lacking is the major source of lower self worth and insecurities.
- Starting to have more and more females hold eye contact for longer periods of time.
- Currently using Overcoming Procrastination 4G for 2-3 hours per day.
- Continued reduction in past sources of neediness. However a new set of neediness is coming up. The level of neediness for this new set does not have the depth or sting of the previous.
- Life is not perfect I daily struggle and have bouts of resistance. I have a long ways to go. I get but glimpses of what life can be, as if the sun is peeking through the clouds. I now expect that upon completion of AM11 these will no longer be glimpses but how life is.

My 5 days of mental focus has given way to 2 days of mental stupor.

HEY, you better be keeping that "eye contact" in homebase there buddy! I don't think the sub says anything about wandering "eye contact"!

[AwesomeYoungDude]

Patti, glad you caught that, good observation. With regards to females and eye contact. I do not hold the eye contact as long as I do for males. For males I'm asserting myself and the longer I hold the more I assert my dominants. For females, the assertion of my dominants is done rather quickly, once that assertion is made eye contact moves rather quickly to sexy eyes. I do not allow it to go that far. I do not spark interest where I have no intention of sparking it. Yes it is kept in check. Thanks for the reminder.

[Ryan]

AYD,

You're going to notice a change in that eye contact come stage 3... I don't necessarily stare girls down so much but if I'm talking to them or near them, I will stare into their eyes for a long ass time and I don't even realize I'm doing it. Just happened 2 seconds ago actually. I'm sure the later stages, especially eye seduction, you're going to be gazing into all their eyes without even realizing what you're doing... Have fun! :-)

[AwesomeYoungDude]

For the last few days I've been beset with major resistance. The insecurity levels are approaching those of my youth. My self talk is such as, I'm really stupid, you are always making mistakes, the world looks at you as a fool, your mind and abilities are not on par with your peers, your faking it and the world knows it.

At the start of the resistance I did feel like a switch had been turned on a fundamental change had occurred in me. The switch showed me that I can overcome my lacking and make progress real progress towards the me that I want.

I hope that this is resistances last stand. The resistance is bringing out the big guns and making me focus on the foundations of my insecurities. The thoughts are sometimes debilitating rendering me unable to make progress or do anything. I'm on the mend and the deepest depression has passed, but this is hard. Its been a long time since I've been to those levels of dread and self doubt. Re-hashing this is only of benefit if its a means to removing it, but if its not removing it, then wow, I do not want depression and insecurities like this for the remainder of my life.

[Ryan]

I had that too, up until the final week and a half of stage 2. The first week of 3 was extremely rough on me but the week after it cooled down a bit. Now I can feel other bits of resistance going on mostly about being dominant.

[AwesomeYoungDude]

I noticed that just prior to, then throughout my recent melt-down, and now post melt-down that I have improved mental discipline.  A fundamental shift in my mental processing.  A desire to thoroughly learn and understand a subject or item.  I've needed in some cases to re-visit subjects and learn them in more depth. I'm finding the task of learning less arduous due to and increased desire to learn, improved ability to focus, and increased mental will power.  This is the first real progress towards addressing the ADD symptoms plaguing my past.

I realized that in the depths of my depression, I started to work through the issues causing my insecurities.  Its almost like I'm brought back to the original causes and now addressing them with a new foundation.  Progress is slow, but its foundational, building upon each step.

My ability to focus during reading is beyond anything in my past.  Reading is no longer arduous.  I read slower now but with more comprehension.  

I continue to use AM11, overcome procrastination 4G (which I thought I read was OK to use with AM1), beta BME, and working on multiple mentality exercises.  Not sure which is bringing about the change but something is.

Shannon when you read this can you comment if Overcoming Procrastination 4G is ok with AM11.   Your journal is getting way to big to find specific posts.

[Shannon]

AYD, I have a few points.

First, awesome job journaling these changes! You are really giving me good feedback, and I very much appreciate it. I appreciate it from everyone, naturally, but I have a tendency sometimes to get stuck in my own thread and working, or in the 18+ section, so I don't always see your thread here.

Second, the cleaning the garage thing was classic, and I laughed good at that one. Be thankful you have a wife who balances you out. But, here's how I do things when I am with a woman in a long term relationship. Maybe this will help. It depends on her particular personality, too, naturally, but... when I wanted to be frisky with my last ex, and I didn't want to completely dominate her (which she loved), I would start by looking at her with my "Hungry Eyes". That look straight into her soul that says, "I'm going to get you." [Language has been watered down for general audiences.] Then I would hold that eye contact while forcibly pushing the intent at her. She would immediately know what I was saying, and then she would shiver, because she knew she was a little doe trapped and there was no escape from what was coming next. And she loved it.

Then without breaking eye contact, I would slowly and very deliberately get up and walk over, staring that hunger into her soul the whole time, but not in an asking way... I wasn't asking, I was informing her. "You're my prey, and I am going to do XYZ with you, little prey." And when she would try to throw up some BS about "Oh, I have to iron my work uniform," I'd simply continue to stare and pin her down. Of course this requires cooperation, because you don't want to be forcing her unless she wants that illusion of being forced. But then I'd get very close to her and, never having blinked or broken eye contact, I would stare deeply into her eyes in a dominant "This is what's gonna happen" way and say in a half whisper half growl, "You're mine." Then I'd bite her neck in a sexy way that also backed up my assertion that she was mine.

And the way I did this, she was usually helpless and squirming by the time I got that far. And then I would either do what I was going to do right there, or I would drag her off to the room in which I planned to do what I was going to do, and from there I would continue on in progressively less appropriate activities for description in this section, but always did I maintain the "This is what's gonna happen" attitude, and it showed unwaveringly in my eyes, voice, body language, speech and actions. She loved it. LOVED it. Not every woman I ever dated liked that sort of thing, but she certainly did, and boy did I enjoy the electricity it created between us!

So next time you're doing googly eyes at the wife and she says go clean the garage, lock eyes with her for a moment. Then swagger over to her (but not too much swagger) and smirk a bit on the way over, as if to say, "Yeah, that's what YOU think." Then kiss her in a semi-aggressive way and say, "I think that can wait." Lead her off to your destination and show her that you are a passionate man, and rawr, that passion still burns within you.

Of course I don't know your wife or your relationship with her, but that's how I'd probably get past that sort of garage cleaning "blockage". Cleaning can wait.

And last but not least... Overcoming Procrastination is Type B. Should be fine with AM2011.

[AwesomeYoungDude]

Shannon thanks for the suggestions. Just so you know there is passion in the AwesomeYoungDude's marriage. There are times when someone gets "thrown on the bed" so to speak.

Summary of Stage 2 AM11 (Includes 3 weeks of Overcoming Procrastination 4G)

• Fundamental shift in mental discipline. Something just suddenly clicked, like switching a light on. The discipline is not rock solid but a small positive shift in the right direction. Instead of running into the wind, I have a gentle breeze at my back, pushing me along. The mental discipline as persisted for about 1 1/2 weeks. This is a major step towards overcoming procrastination.
  
• Major bout with resistance. The resistance lasted over a week. It started following a week of euphoria, growth, and mental clarity. Its onset occurred at the realization that I had undergone a positive shift in mental discipline. This was a full blown meltdown which brought back the most significant levels of insecurities I have experienced in years (teenage levels). The depression was debilitating.
  
• Continued a slow improvement in both physical and mental self control.
  
• Started exercising after a long hiatus.
  
• Increased motivation to improve myself. I have a stronger desire to change. I'm given glimpses of life as though the change has already happened. I routinely see and imagine myself as the new person as though I was already that person. Previously I've had a desire, a hope, a "it would be great if" daydream, but this is different. I see the results as a naturally already existing state.
  
• No post melt-down spurts of euphoria.
  
• Dreams at the start of stage 2 were vivid and geared towards the alpha transition. My dreams at the end of stage 2 are back to pre-alpha. (nothing to report)
  
• Reduction in physical and mental procrastination.
  
• Increased indifference to what others think of me. I ask more simple questions in work related meetings (the kind that non-technical managers ask). I'm asking for clarification or to simply understand. I'm asking the questions knowing full well that others in the room assumed that I already had a good understanding of the topic. The reproach of asking these questions, thus revealing who I really am, is outweighed by my need to thoroughly understand the discussion. I still care about others opinion of me, but I'm starting to care less and less. My self talk is as follows: "I'm not defective if I don't know something. I don't care if short term others think I'm lacking. I will in time have knowledge that will empower me in my decision making process and allow me to continue to be an informed leader. I'm good at what I do and I have valuable talents that are of great worth to my team and company."
  
• Learned from Shannon's post how the create a bullet list.
  

Stage two definitely did a level set cleansing. A lot of mental garbage was discarded. I now see who I really am and what I need to do to become alpha. My mind is still rebelling by saying "ok since you want to start over fine now learn this or that....which you never learned...and I have protected you because you did not learn it....and by the way since you want to be all grown-up now I will not protect you....you are on your own". My (controlling parent) mind is now talking to me (my inner child) with the same interaction as many have posted about the interaction with their parents. The parent is still trying to control the little boy who they nurtured, developed and cared for all those years. Whom they protected from the hurt and harm they experienced in life. Whom they supported and love, but who is now standing in front of them as an emerging adult alpha male. It appears that my parent mind still wants to protect me from change and my inner child definitely wants to break free of the bondage.

[Patti]

Shannon thanks for the suggestions. Just so you know there is passion in the AwesomeYoungDude's marriage. There are times when someone gets "thrown on the bed" so to speak.

Summary of Stage 2 AM11 (Includes 3 weeks of Overcoming Procrastination 4G)

• Fundamental shift in mental discipline. Something just suddenly clicked, like switching a light on. The discipline is not rock solid but a small positive shift in the right direction. Instead of running into the wind, I have a gentle breeze at my back, pushing me along. The mental discipline as persisted for about 1 1/2 weeks. This is a major step towards overcoming procrastination.
  
• Major bout with resistance. The resistance lasted over a week. It started following a week of euphoria, growth, and mental clarity. Its onset occurred at the realization that I had undergone a positive shift in mental discipline. This was a full blown meltdown which brought back the most significant levels of insecurities I have experienced in years (teenage levels). The depression was debilitating.
  
• Continued a slow improvement in both physical and mental self control.
  
• Started exercising after a long hiatus.
  
• Increased motivation to improve myself. I have a stronger desire to change. I'm given glimpses of life as though the change has already happened. I routinely see and imagine myself as the new person as though I was already that person. Previously I've had a desire, a hope, a "it would be great if" daydream, but this is different. I see the results as a naturally already existing state.
  
• No post melt-down spurts of euphoria.
  
• Dreams at the start of stage 2 were vivid and geared towards the alpha transition. My dreams at the end of stage 2 are back to pre-alpha. (nothing to report)
  
• Reduction in physical and mental procrastination.
  
• Increased indifference to what others think of me. I ask more simple questions in work related meetings (the kind that non-technical managers ask). I'm asking for clarification or to simply understand. I'm asking the questions knowing full well that others in the room assumed that I already had a good understanding of the topic. The reproach of asking these questions, thus revealing who I really am, is outweighed by my need to thoroughly understand the discussion. I still care about others opinion of me, but I'm starting to care less and less. My self talk is as follows: "I'm not defective if I don't know something. I don't care if short term others think I'm lacking. I will in time have knowledge that will empower me in my decision making process and allow me to continue to be an informed leader. I'm good at what I do and I have valuable talents that are of great worth to my team and company."
  
• Learned from Shannon's post how the create a bullet list.
  

Stage two definitely did a level set cleansing. A lot of mental garbage was discarded. I now see who I really am and what I need to do to become alpha. My mind is still rebelling by saying "ok since you want to start over fine now learn this or that....which you never learned...and I have protected you because you did not learn it....and by the way since you want to be all grown-up now I will not protect you....you are on your own". My (controlling parent) mind is now talking to me (my inner child) with the same interaction as many have posted about the interaction with their parents. The parent is still trying to control the little boy who they nurtured, developed and cared for all those years. Whom they protected from the hurt and harm they experienced in life. Whom they supported and love, but who is now standing in front of them as an emerging adult alpha male. It appears that my parent mind still wants to protect me from change and my inner child definitely wants to break free of the bondage.

Ayd, tell her to stop throwing you on your bed! That's just not nice...lol

Great post!

[WildFlower]

.you are on your own". My (controlling parent) mind is now talking to me (my inner child) with the same interaction as many have posted about the interaction with their parents. The parent is still trying to control the little boy who they nurtured, developed and cared for all those years

Is this Transactional Analysis talk?

The details of the bullet points you've drawn up are uncanny. I'm at an identical point of the Alpha Male journey as you - end of Stage 2 - and my results are exactly as you've described. I too had a 3 day patch of 'resistance', which came after the euphoria of the sub had peaked. I'm giving 110% when I exercise, when I study, when I work and when I socialize. Dreams where very vivid at the start of the stage but have subsequently become less lucid and memorable. Paradigm shift about who I am and where I fit into the world.

Keep it up, your reports are awesome.

[AwesomeYoungDude]

Stage 3 Week 1 (Week 4 Overcoming Procrastination)

• Immediate up tick in the amount of irritation and anger with everything around me. Occurred within the first 8 hours of listening to stage 3 and lasted for 3 days. At first I thought it was insecurity, due to the nature of the self talk. "Hey why wasn't I invited to that meeting." "Who gave you permission to work on that project." "How come no one is returning my calls." "That person's opinion is wrong, mine is right." "Why are you disagreeing with me." This kind of self talk occurs with insecurity. I determined it was anger and irritation upon finding that I had problems with most everyone I interacted with.
  
• Three days with lump or knot in my throat after the first day of anger.
  
• Continued persistence in mental focus (mental clarity). The duration of mental focus (a session in which I can remain focused on a specific item) continues to increase in small increments. Its like building muscle, you don't jump from benching 25 lb to 250 lb overnight. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm going in the right direction.
  
• Reduction in the number of grammar and spelling errors upon first typing. I'm finding less and less typos upon re-reading of what was typed. Evidence of increased mental focus and clarity.
  
• Re-occurrence of eye twitch when interacting with someone whom I think is asking or whom I think will be asking a question that I do not know how to answer. I found this can also occur if I think the person will ask me to do work.
  
• Increased desire and motivation to push myself mentally and physically. This motivation is sometimes converted into action but not all the time.
  
• Decreased motivation to get to work early in the morning. I'm fine arriving just before it is considered late. Previously arriving at this time would result in a feeling of guilt. No motivation to work late into the evening.
  

In regards to irritation and anger I asked for clarification from Shannon via the following posts on his thread.

Can someone point me to the description of AM11 stages.

Shannon, I see a pattern in the AM11 posts. A major bout of resistance, depression in stage 2. Stage 3 is anger and rage. Is this part of the programming or just a reaction that some are seeing. Does stage 2 break the listener down emotionally, like a military boot camp. Does stage 3 start with the anger thing so that we don't take crap anymore. LOL it would be funny to find out that stage 2 has the following "I will revert back to the insecurities of my youth", and stage 3 has "I will be angry at the world.

So the question is, "Is this all just part of the plan", and if so can you explain why and what the purpose is. Seeing the purpose helps to define what the end goal is.

What I see is that Stage 2 is where the alpha programming starts, and the user begins being faced with new ideas that conflict with current ones. This produces resistance in some people, but not everyone. In Stage 2, you also start seeing the reaction against the way people have been treating the user of the program as the new programming takes effect.

Stage 3 makes this full on, and there is an equilibrium exchange of sorts that takes place. The previous programming, perceptions and fears are faced with a growing demand for respect and refusal to be treated poorly or walked on. Eventually this causes pressure as the two cannot be enacted at the same time. When the new programming takes over, the pressure is released because the person forces a shift externally. They no longer put up with being treated poorly, etc. But while this shift is taking place, there can be some irritation and even anger.

The way you word it, it seems much worse than it actually is. Anger and rage? Anger at being treated like a doormat, sure, but rage isn't realistic. It doesn't take long to get people to stop treating you poorly when you put them in their place with a little bit of expressed anger.

Stage 2 is where the alpha programming really gets serious in the beginning. That's why it makes people feel insecure sometimes, because they are constantly being pushed forward out of their comfort zone. Stage 3 causes a clash between "what has been" and "what should be", and eventually the dissonance produces the upset that causes "what should be" to become "what is".

This should explain the why of it all. People are creatures of habit, and they tend to get comfortable and stop moving. The first sections of this program are bombarding you with a new reality that doesn't fit with that old comfortable reality, and that produces friction, which the program then uses to make the new reality show up.

That helps, rage is an incorrect description. It can denote violent and uncontrolled physical force which should never occur.

Irritation is correct. I could also call it frustration. I've been thinking about your wording of "expressed anger".

Typical interaction between subordinante beta employees and superiors generally goes like this:
A beta finds something irritating and either (1) says nothing re-affirming he is a beta, (2) talks behind the bosses back, backstabbing, (a major no no in my book), or (3) yells at his boss. The problem is that the boss still sees the beta as a beta because the beta being a beta acts like a beta, because he is a beta, not an alpha. So the boss continues to treat the beta as who the beta is a beta. In time the frustration level of the beta increases to higher levels of anger which can lead to a rash decision, "if the company doesn't listen to me I'll quit", "Ok mister boss man, if that's the way you want it I'll just fire off a flaming email addressed to the entire company regarding how inept you are","Ok if you don't like me, I'll just do what I have to and no more". These non-violent acts (a fit a rage) re-enforces in the beta's mind that he is still a beta. It also undermines, re-affirms the status of beta, with respect to his peers.

Now with alpha training, the interaction with the boss starts with the boss's assumption that he is interacting with a beta. The alpha stresses the irritation, expressed anger, with the bosses behavior. This is not uncontrolled anger, but a controlled interaction expressing a dis-satisfaction with the boss's current behavior. [alpha] "When you do the following, I.......". The talk is backed up by the alpha's behavior. If not on the first interaction, upon subsequent exchanges, the boss sees the alpha as an alpha.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Shannon, from the AM11 programming stand point what happens if I never express that anger. Example: I have an insecure boss and I'm working towards a better position with a different department. Engaging with the boss will result in undesirable consequences. My question is not how to handle the situation with the boss, but what occurs within the alpha training (my mind). I don't expect to blow a circuit because I don't express anger, but will this lessen the alpha programming. I would love to just quit my job every time I have a insecure boss, however, jobs are not like coats.

No, it won't lessen the programming unless you're in a situation which seriously degrades your self esteem. That would be something like living with your mother... having an idiot boss isn't going to degrade your self esteem, so what will happen is that there will be a higher degree of pressure because you haven't changed the outer circumstances to match the inner ones (yet). Great incentive to make a positive change though.

The follow-up to this is kind of interesting. I used the insecure boss as an example because its easy for forum readers to relate to. My boss is neither insecure nor a jerk. However, my boss was one of the many people towards whom I had a high level of irritation and anger. I spoke with my boss and found that their avoidance of me was because they were intimidated by me....LOL. My boss sidestepped me because they did not want to bother me with such small tasks. My boss apologized and has interacted with me accordingly.

The results of the several instances of "expressed anger" by me have been positive and have resulted in my assertion as an alpha.

[Patti]

Every sub I’ve used seems to stir up some irritation, especially in the beginning. I think it does the same thing for my grandson. Today he wasn’t too happy with me because I wouldn’t give him a second pickle…he actually growled at me lol.