Arctic Fox's EPRHA V2 Journal

[ArcticFox]

Stage 2 Complete

Day 106
Days completed total = 78
Days missed total = 28
Stage 1 complete
Stage 2 started: 22nd November
Stage 2 Days = 37
Days missed = 9 (9*1.5 = 4.5 round up to 5 extra days)
Stage 3 started 07/01/2016

Feel I've made much more progress at the end of this stage. I can see how only doing 1-2 months would not be enough. Still aiming for 6 months.

Overall I feel more relaxed around people
my social interactions have increased
less anxiety with new interactions
less worry in general
less angry
less negative though patterns
less feelings of guilt
I have been thinking more about stuff - past experiences
Still have feelings for me ex
More relaxed when interacting with girls on matching sites
less anxiety before calling friends
calling friends more
more laid back at work

still tired most of the time
not exercising or motivated to
procrastinating
(I think these are more diet and habit related)

Not related to the sub but I decided to stop fapping and see how long I could go. aiming for a month. (Its been 4 days, feels like weeks).

[ArcticFox]

Day 113
Stage 3/6
Stage 3 started 07/01/2016
Days completed total = 84
Days missed total = 29
Stage 3 days = 6
Days missed = 1

Had a date last night, it was going really well but I had a massive relapse (i guess you could call it that). We disagreed on something, normally im so chilled but this stuck with me and I shut down completely, got the negative black cloud around my head all went silent for 5 minutes so I told her I'm going home!

This didn't go down well with her as she thought it was her fault. It then took me the rest of the night to turn it back around, convince her it was me (which it is) and make things right.

I've had that 'feeling' many times before and its something I need to remove as it is very destructive. I plan on tapping this emotion/feeling.

Also missed out on a nights Subs

[ArcticFox]

Hitting quite a bit of resistance this week. I've gone back to some old issues with anxiety in general especially around girls, and anger/resentment towards family.

Its reflecting in my attitude as I'm being spiteful and IDGAF but in a childish manner. I dont have these very often now which is why this is relevant.

I am having trouble differentiating dreams from reality, I often catch myself thinking about an recent experience only to question whether it was in a dream or actually happened.

[ArcticFox]

Day 124
Stage 3/6
Stage 3 started 07/01/2016
Days completed total = 94
Days missed total = 30
Stage 3 days = 16
Days missed = 2

Slow but steady progress. Lots of feelings and love for my ex-girlfriend who I split up with over a year ago, not sure why but i should be over her by now!! Seeing a new girl but I'm not into her so wont last, but getting some action. Also taking a girl to the theatre on Wednesday and she has asked if she can stay over so may lead to something.

I've have started to think about getting my teeth fixed with braces, something I should have done a long time ago. Little things like this make me realize the progress I'm making. I'm looking forward to half way mark in a couple of weeks. Still got a long way to go though.

[ArcticFox]

FML I'm on a death spiral today. Must be due to some form of rejection this week but my inner head attitude is everyone can GFTS and I'm done with people.

[ArcticFox]

Mission accomplished. Self sabotage for today complete. One friend - bridge burnt. congratulations Andrew! FFS.

[ArcticFox]

My brain is such a stubborn f**k. Every step of the way it resists. So close to quitting the sub, thinking how much longer I can carry this on?

Another girl burnt tonight. Potential sex but took the high road, how i got out of it though would have been a psychiatrists dream. Pure reversal and switch, why? A normal dude would have just fucked here then left her to deal with it. Im like a nice guy but still end up being a c**t (edit - that doesn't get laid!)

[Nox]

My brain is such a stubborn f**k. Every step of the way it resists. So close to quitting the sub, thinking how much longer I can carry this on?

Another girl burnt tonight. Potential sex but took the high road, how i got out of it though would have been a psychiatrists dream. Pure reversal and switch, why? A normal dude would have just ***** here then left her to deal with it. Im like a nice guy but still end up being a c**t (edit - that doesn't get laid!)

It sounds like you're making progress brother. No one ever mentions the uphill battle that progress entails. The long painful march to get one step further than the last attempt. But you keep doing it because eventually that one last step gets you onto the plateau and life is easy and magical and the beer flows like wine.

In my experience, being aware of the constant screw ups is simply another way that your mind learns. You have to see and deal with the mistakes, usually for what seems to be waaaaay too many times, before you overcome them. Otherwise how would you understand how to not make them anymore?

Sorry you're having a tough time lately. I haven't read any of the journals outside of the ones I've been considering for the future the past couple of weeks or I would have seen you were having a bad time. You're always welcome to shoot me a message if you need someone to talk to man! I work way too much but I'll get back to you when I'm able.

[ArcticFox]

My brain is such a stubborn f**k. Every step of the way it resists. So close to quitting the sub, thinking how much longer I can carry this on?

Another girl burnt tonight. Potential sex but took the high road, how i got out of it though would have been a psychiatrists dream. Pure reversal and switch, why? A normal dude would have just ***** here then left her to deal with it. Im like a nice guy but still end up being a c**t (edit - that doesn't get laid!)

It sounds like you're making progress brother. No one ever mentions the uphill battle that progress entails. The long painful march to get one step further than the last attempt. But you keep doing it because eventually that one last step gets you onto the plateau and life is easy and magical and the beer flows like wine.

In my experience, being aware of the constant screw ups is simply another way that your mind learns. You have to see and deal with the mistakes, usually for what seems to be waaaaay too many times, before you overcome them. Otherwise how would you understand how to not make them anymore?

Sorry you're having a tough time lately. I haven't read any of the journals outside of the ones I've been considering for the future the past couple of weeks or I would have seen you were having a bad time. You're always welcome to shoot me a message if you need someone to talk to man! I work way too much but I'll get back to you when I'm able.

Thanks Nox, I appreciate you checking in! Its nice to have some verbal support! I know everyone on the forum supports each other and lots of people read this journal which I'm always very grateful for.

Yeah it has been rough, i looked back on last week and thought "Did that actually happen, was that me, what was i thinking!?" its really bizarre. But like you say its a way to learn more about yourself and increase personal discovery.

I've been drinking and partying, not out of control but enough to where its affected my life. I think a lot of the problems i had last week and further in the past have been due to poor diet and too much alcohol.

So this month I have decided to run a Whole30 diet (which is pretty much Paleo) for February, which means no booze. I also started Anthony Robbins Personal Power II as well so my February should be an interesting one!!

Thanks again for checking in Nox and I will message you if/when things get rough.

[ArcticFox]

Day 134
Stage 3/6
Stage 3 started 07/01/2016
Days completed total = 103
Days missed total = 31
Stage 3 days = 25
Days missed = 3

Waking up to a lot of dreams about close family, having arguments with them and falling out. Rough week last week so pulled my socks up and started a new 30 day diet and a 30 day life improvement plan to run through February.

Part of that plan will be to tap as I know I have some stigmas that have been made clear from last week, mainly around women.

Just some stuff to air

• Pretty sure i have some hate towards women
  
• Despise people who i dont know that are in good jobs - think they have blagged there way there (corporate environment).
  
• Still feel like I have wasted my life, don't feel so bad about it but not having a mortgage and renting for the last 10 years has done me no favours.
  

[Nox]

Day 134
Stage 3/6
Stage 3 started 07/01/2016
Days completed total = 93
Days missed total = 31
Stage 3 days = 25
Days missed = 3

Waking up to a lot of dreams about close family, having arguments with them and falling out. Rough week last week so pulled my socks up and started a new 30 day diet and a 30 day life improvement plan to run through February.

Part of that plan will be to tap as I know I have some stigmas that have been made clear from last week, mainly around women.

Just some stuff to air

• Pretty sure i have some hate towards women
  
• Despise people who i dont know that are in good jobs - think they have blagged there way there (corporate environment).
  
• Still feel like I have wasted my life, don't feel so bad about it but not having a mortgage and renting for the last 10 years has done me no favours.
  

Just kind of a funny thing, I hated that I was renting when I didn't have a mortgage. Then I got a mortgage and half the time I wish I was renting lol. They need to have some type of mental health prep for living situations because it really messes with you if you're not ready for the hidden details.

[ArcticFox]

Day 141
Stage 3/6
Stage 3 started 07/01/2016
Days completed total = 110
Days missed total = 31
Stage 3 days = 32
Days missed = 3

2 more days and I'm halfway!

[ArcticFox]

Day 156
Stage 4/6
Stage 3 completed 13/02/2016
Stage 4 started 14/02/2016 (one day break before starting stage 4)
Days completed total = 124
Days missed total = 32
Stage 3 days = 34
Stage 4 days = 12

So I passed the half way mark a couple weeks back. Had a real tough December and January, I was getting back into girls and hitting tinder pretty hard. it backfired on me as my subconscious would self sabotage. I was also drinking heavily and eating really bad, was on a bit of a downward spiral.

So on the 30th Jan had a date that went awful, wanted to sack the girl off but im too nice and dont know how to do it, so just ended up going out for dinner and being really indifferent, and c**ty. I was trying to emulate the DGAF attitude that I read about in "attract models" book, but this attitude is a fine art.

So date ended bad and I go grab a load of beers go home, and smash some white that I had left over from new years. Sit at my kitchen table high and drinking listening to music till 4am and chatting shit on FB.

Sunday I decide enough is enough, going to kick start again with a dry February and not only that but cut out Sugar, Dairy, Gluten, grains and rice by doing the Whole30 Diet - and on top of this I started an Anthony Robbins personal power program.

So I've basically been a hermit this month and have been completely zen, but more like a flat zen not a happy zen - kind of emotionless (I think Matt mentioned this state in his EPRHA journal). Its been great not drinking and going out, saving money and getting some projects done.

The Whole30 diet is life changing, and if you want to see a difference in mood and energy I highly recommend it. The first 2 days I had Kidney ache (flu like) while my body withdrew from sugar and alcohol - pretty scary but felt great after.

Recently I've been getting up and having little to no feelings, when I wake up i look back at the last 10 years and feel nothing, just emptiness as if it didn't even happen, like it was a complete waste. And in reality I think this is true. Now to have a rant....

I've been getting more angry as well, things piss me off. I think my general outlook is that i've been a good citizen, worked hard for 10 years in an honest job helping other people and going about my business without causing any problems, not getting into debt, saving, and not being frivolous or superficial, and being responsible.

Then i look at other people who are obnoxious, dont care about society, only think of themselves, drive around in cars they cant afford, run up massive debts. However it seems to be society favours these people, they are taking the spoils of life by living beyond their means and society supports them, they abuse the system, take what they can and don't give back. they now all own houses, and have jobs in power from being arrogant and extroverted, or have huge benefit payouts by claiming disability for being overweight or having 7 kids and yet they are winning in life.

I look at myself, someone who has tried hard yet has nothing. Everything I have done could be gone in a flash, my job, the flat I rent. It really f**cks me off, I am so disenfranchised from society, the government isn't interested in helping a 30 something responsible single male. However if I was a migrant, a single mum, or if i had 7 kids I would be given a free house and free benefits every week - for doing what? being f**cking Irresponsible. What kind of a model is this, its bullshit

Sorry, rant over!

[ArcticFox]

post updated above. I've stepped up my listening hours to 10-12 and slightly increased US volume to 75db at pillow. I'm having more dreams and hitting resistance (see above)