Approach anxiety 4 women & attractive men

[JackOfHearts]

Thanks for the update on that, Shannon. I'm excited for you with all these things that are emerging.
OK, it's probably going to be a case of getting the current AF for me then, depending because I have some other subs too. I will almost definitely, when I am ready, get the boyfriend sub at some stage but I will DEFINITELY do the Alpha female one before that, from reading the notes on AF, it makes more sense to do it before a more serious relationship one. Anyway, definitely excited to be exploring all these. Sounds like exciting things are in the pipeline for you and us, Shannon. I can see that you definitely put a LOT of work into what you make. As one example, I can see that both the AM and AF programs have had a lot put in there. I also love this journal forum idea by the way how we can write about our experiences of using the subs as we are doing them, so thank you for this too.

I don't understand your question, as far as I know you are already writing about your experiences with sub. Are looking for a "how to write a story about sub?" Or you would like to write a book maybe ?

[Athena]

No, I mean I like that I NOW have this facility that I can write about my experiences with subs. I am pleased about that.

[JackOfHearts]

I totally misunderstood that

[Athena]

26/8/14

OK little bit of an update. For one thing I actually said hi to a guy in the street today, a cute guy but it was weird cos he walked past and we exchanged eye contact. Then I said hi. He looked really startled and I said "Hi" again but he didn't respond just stared briefly which is a shame but it's pretty awesome that I did that, you know cos although I can be very confident in some situations, like out at events, I had got to the point of trying to say hi to a cute guy in the street and I would practically whisper it, I could NOT get the words out. This was quite confident and friendly. I also asked my friend to an event i went to but that KIND of doesn't count cos I don't fancy him like that. But still.

Also I had a couple of things happen when I went out on Sunday night.
I was standing up in the train and this really cute guy, with his friends, offered me his seat and the other guys he was with were saying to him "Player! Player!" like he'd done it to flirt!

I did a couple of affirmations too about cute guys liking me but only once, you know?
And on the way home, I got on the train and this guy had just got off. He was drunk yes and with his sober friend. But he was cute. He looked at me as I got on the train and said "Wow, you're amazing! You're so lovely. You're smile. I don't know what it is but there's just something about you. If I woke up to you every day, I'd feel complete." Like he found me attractive but he could also see my inner and outer beauty. Yes, he was drunk I know and I said "I wonder if you'd think that if you were sober."
But the friend who WAS sober said to him "Yes, OK, OK, you like each other now just exchange numbers already cos we need to go!"
I gave him a kiss but just on the cheek. (he had gorgeous skin too!) and he really wanted to give me his number and so I let him. I don't know, I thought about sending a text just to say thank you for saying the lovely things, even if you WERE drunk. With a photo of me so he knows who I am! But I dunno! Anyway, that's my little update. Wait! I didn't say about my date.

I had a date on Friday night that went well and I felt quite confident which felt lovely. Not enough sparks and attraction on my end not sure about for him, although it was funny in a way (and nice!) cos we were talking and then he suddenly kissed me, like kissed me proper, and i responded ;-) and then he apologized but he did it two other times that evening as well! Nice chat and some laughs and it's a lovely thing to do on Friday night. I don't know if this is connected but also, the guy who I have this text relationship with who I am meant to meet on Thursday, said something that got me MAD. We cleared the air and ended up having a got texting chat and laugh and even more openness. But the thing IS when this thing happened before - it's not even a bad thing - I never said anything this time I mentioned I was mad so it's like I was a bit more assertive, you know? Which might also be connected.

I still want to be lots more confident when I really like a guy a lot, there's two guys that so far i really do and I still find it hard not to put them on a pedestal. Neither are guys that nothing has happened with and my focus with these subs is new guys anyway, but I'm still hoping to keep building up my confidence. It will come and I have some other subs from here that I think will help with repetition.

Anyway, still some cool things there!
And that's my update!

[Athena]

13/9/14

Just a quick update to say I think I am closer to my normal self now, to how I used to be. Apparently I am a bit flirty by nature but that had gotten so blocked for a while and I was afraid to flirt with strangers! Well, I went on the bus one day, asking the driver if he went where I needed to go and he told me which bus and as I got off I said "By the way, you're REALLY cute."
It felt so liberating.
I didn't hang around to see his response but it just felt nice to say it (and yes I DID think he was really cute!)
So just little things like that.
I find if I don't listen to the subs for a while I get less guys smiling back at me and so forth so I need to use them more to get the messages (regarding overcoming approach anxiety and attracting handsome men) into my mind much more.

I still hold back quite a bit though. Like to be perfectly honest, I have a sex buddy although we are not exclusive and I see myself as single and looking (but if I got into a serious relationship he would have to go.) He complained to me yesterday, "Why didn't you text me to meet?"
Well, HE always texts ME so I waited and just got on with life, but the reason I am mentioning this at all is cos even in THAT situation, I don't take the initiative 'cos it's been SO ingrained into me NOT to, because I am a woman - sigh! - even in a sexual situation.
Though when we were you know yesterday, at one stage, I kinda grabbed his face and started kissing him, and that was new cos usually I have been letting him take the lead, which he enjoys doing anyway. (He loved that by the way!)
OK, enough about my sex life!

So, yeah, there have been some improvements but I still have a long way to go.

I'm pleased at how the attract handsome men sub really HAS got better looking men in the street smiling at me and noticing me again.
It feels so nice.
But I also DO want to be able to ask a man out and I think it's just a matter of time.

And it's a fun journey!

[Joronda]

You may have to kiss quite a few frogs before you find your Prince.

You may have to date a guy 100 times before you decide on him being a KEEPER or not.

4.1 billion male frogs for you to date, so if one frog isn't meeting your needs, then ask another frog to chat with you over a coffee.

Dating is a Job Interview for Marriage.

[LionKing]

Dating is a Job Interview for Marriage.

Ugh. How I read that is "You have no value as a person, but I want to someone to fill this (?impossibly complex?) role I've defined". Second, "interview" implies an interviewee and a judge, as opposed to two people connecting or having fun. And third, if that supposed interviewee doesn't even want to get married he'll be judged as "not worthy" of something he never even consciously applied for. But maybe that's just me.

[jonathan4all]

[quote='Joronda' pid='60346' dateline='1411178375']
Dating is a Job Interview for Marriage.

I don't think people date only to get married. Dating is knowing a person and getting married to someone has an intention beyond dating. People can date casually too no need to end up getting married

[swisston]

Yeah, it sounds like you could be applying a whole lot of pressure to men on your dates Joronda, even if only at a subconscious level

[Athena]

I kind of have the almost opposite problem. Although I DO want to meet and be with the love of my life whoever HE is, I also actually love going out on dates for its own sake. Going out somewhere - even if just for a coffee or drink with a handsome man, chatting, having a laugh and flirting is a joy to me. And I don't want to stick to dating one guy unless I think he is a dream man one and we are a very VERY good match. But I think when I say things in my profile like I want to go out on dates such as drinks and coffees with handsome men that for some reason a lot of men interpret that as "I want to get laid." Sometimes I DO want that but other times I just want to go out on a date! Just a date. Not a hook up. I don't want to make it sound like I am looking for a relationship when I feel I am not ready for one but nor am I wanting one hook up after another, like I said I am both very sexual AND very romantic and I need both. It's almost gotten to the point where I think SHOULD I be so honest or should I lie and pretend I AM boyfriend shopping right now just so they slow down! It's like guys either want a girlfriend or a hook up but I want to be heck not even wined and dined though I'd love that even just go out for more coffees with hunks & chat rather than this whole ooh baby let's have sex. It's like it's either let's have sex or they are looking for the One right here right now whereas I am more of a let's wait and see person, let's actually MEET first and THEN see what we want. Not assume we are gonna have sex right off the bat OR have a love relationship let's just meet and chat and THEN start to decide. You know?
But I think because I am not like I HAVE to meet my next boyfriend RIGHT NOW that I MUST be only looking for sex with anyone I want to meet and that's just not true!
I love the idea of going out on dates in the meantime. It doesn't mean I DON'T want sex but so many of them want to meet up FOR sex that's not all I want from men! So I wish I knew how to articulate this better on my profile. I actually DON'T tend to date like a job interview - though some guys who have taken me on dates have been like that with me! - but because I don't it's like they think I must want to hook up! With a guy I haven't even MET yet!
ANYWAY!

[Shawn]

Men tend to be goal oriented and there are two major goals. Get a relationship or get sex. And since a date is just the way it's not a goal. I know that because I was thinking that way and now I slowly realize that I can just enjoy the time I spend with a woman - in other words thinking step by step and enjoying the steps by itself - like you want to do. I don't think you can make your profile better in this way. If you write you want a relationship they would assume you want one. If you write something different many will assume you want sex or are just open for it. And since women don't tend to write they want get laid in their profile there is a reason they assume it.

[LionKing]

^^agreed

[Athena]

LOL! OK thanks for that. Damn men! I went back on one of my dating apps today, I had previously deleted the lot and I changed my profile. One thing I added was that eventually I want a relationship. Hmm, I better have a think about this! Yes I want men who want to just enjoy the steps. Yes, it's been quite polarized, I've met both guys through the online dating; those who were desperate for sex and those who really really wanted a girlfriend. Although some are a little of both!
There is one guy who I have had sex with a few times and known for about a year but our schedules clash (I work days, he works nights, same as with another guy) ANYWAY he drunkenly proposed to me twice, he wants to have a baby with me, (I've heard that both drunk and sober) he introduced me to his mother once and he's asked about my 10 year plan! and told me his. And yet usually when he texts me or we meet, he just wants to have sex. TMI perhaps but what I mean is some guys are both they really REALLY want a girlfriend (or even a wife!) and they also really REALLY want to get laid too and sometimes from the same girl and THEY don't even know what they want! Actually, I think I know what it's like to feel like that, so I understand.

Interesting!

I think with the girlfriend-seekers, sometimes I have come across as SO in the moment and they don't like it. Like one guy was asking me LOTS of questions even things like do I cook! and I don't think he liked it that I didn't ask him many. I was just enjoying the moment! Had dinner out with a gorgeous guy, had a great conversation and laughs with him but I actually think he was sizing me up for girlfriend material! Another one tried to convert me, I think!

And there's those who want both, like I said as in let's have sex but I'd also like to date you, I see potential for us etc etc.

And I've certainly struck my share of horny men!

I DO want a relationship eventually but it could easily take up to two years as I know what I want and also I feel like I want to do more work on myself first to prepare for it (and just in general.)

[ffaux]

Athena I find your journal so valuable to see and understand the other perspective. Thanks for sharing so openly!