@GlaizenGold777 I talk about that today.
Stage 2, Day 28,
A fun day at work; we went to an asian-style restaurant to try to figure things out for our client. Turns out, there was this absolutely beautiful asian woman serving our table. I truly felt my something deep inside me beaming in appreciation of her just being there. Of course, I didn't know how to take it somewhere.
Once I got home, I did my singing and got a meal ready for a potluck in my program. I went and knew no one there, but I chatted with a couple of people, but didn't really feel much of a connection, except for a couple of people. I'll admit, there are a couple of very attractive girls in my program (a year or too behind me)
I'm realizing that my aversion to social situations is because I try to avoid the pain of knowing that my skills are not up to par. In fact, they can be quite bad. It's like avoiding practicing because then, I'd realize how little I've practiced and its consequences. Perhaps social life and skills should be a deliberate project, where I gradually increase the challenge over the course of, say, 3-6 months, until I'm comfortable with taking to almost anybody.
Same with dating; I'm not trying because I mostly know that it ends in me alienating the girls. A net negative for both of us. I've done this to women for years, with little net positive.
Anyways, after the potluck, I went home and felt heavy grief and disconnected. Hopefully, I can transmute this feeling of sadness into something productive.
Stage 2, Day 28,
A fun day at work; we went to an asian-style restaurant to try to figure things out for our client. Turns out, there was this absolutely beautiful asian woman serving our table. I truly felt my something deep inside me beaming in appreciation of her just being there. Of course, I didn't know how to take it somewhere.
Once I got home, I did my singing and got a meal ready for a potluck in my program. I went and knew no one there, but I chatted with a couple of people, but didn't really feel much of a connection, except for a couple of people. I'll admit, there are a couple of very attractive girls in my program (a year or too behind me)
I'm realizing that my aversion to social situations is because I try to avoid the pain of knowing that my skills are not up to par. In fact, they can be quite bad. It's like avoiding practicing because then, I'd realize how little I've practiced and its consequences. Perhaps social life and skills should be a deliberate project, where I gradually increase the challenge over the course of, say, 3-6 months, until I'm comfortable with taking to almost anybody.
Same with dating; I'm not trying because I mostly know that it ends in me alienating the girls. A net negative for both of us. I've done this to women for years, with little net positive.
Anyways, after the potluck, I went home and felt heavy grief and disconnected. Hopefully, I can transmute this feeling of sadness into something productive.
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
