Alpha Female in Training

[JackOfHearts]

Showing your feeling is very important for a woman -> It's working.

[Why So Serious?]

@Manaic 360 Yes your right it is working. I just needed to get more in touch with my feelings that's all.
Stage 2
Day 12

I don't have those incredibly strong feeling for that guy anymore. Well I do but lately I think I'm excepting my emotions a bit more. Now it just feels natural not like I'm going out of control or going crazy.

I still feel some kind of energy coming from me the last two days. I'm not sure what to call it. I guess feminine energy will do for now till I can think of something better. Maybe I should call it anything at all. This is so confusing. Okay enough of that, whatever it is coming from me I feel really alive and at peace with myself whenever I do feel it.I'm able to say and do things with feeling. Like if say "I love you" to my mom I really feel like I meant it. I don't fell like I'm just saying it just because I have too anymore. I even comforted my little niece in the store because she was cold. That's really not like me at all.
I also walked by the floral section and really enjoyed the scent of the flowers. I mean I really, really enjoyed it. I was in my own little world for a moment. We all ended up having lunch at home and I like that as well. Everyone sitting there just enjoying eating together with a little conversation going was just awesome. We had the windows open and it was very nice day. Well the whole weekend was nice.

We went shopping later on and I didn't like it. It felt like it was a huge distraction. "Just keep buying more stuff and you'll be happy." "But wait even if you buy this the happiness will wear off so you'll need to buy even more things." That's what went through my head while we out.

I am still a sensitive person who still cries very easily but everyone was telling me not to cry so much it makes me look weak. At the same time I didn't know it would make so cold, emotionless, and angry at the whole world. To make matters worse I have been doing this since I was six years old. I also came to the conclusion that the reason I'm so bitter, cold and aloof is because I haven't had any contact with whatever energy that was coming from within me. I thought that by burying it deep inside like everyone else (women especially) I'll eventually be happy. The problem is that their not happy. I was just following some map because that is what I'm supposed to do. Sighs.....This sucks. I figured out the whole reason why I was the way I am going shopping. Who would have figured?

My dad visited to day and well I was shocked. I didn't think of him as a real man anymore. I wasn't as frightened of him as I used to be. I really saw him for who was for time in my life. I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself leave in fantasy land thinking he could do great things. He is still filled with empty promises and broken dreams. I can't believe I idolized him for so long. The worst part is everyone kept telling me not to give him the benefit of the doubt. I listened but now I can see it clearly. I'll still give him the respect he deserves but I'll be distancing myself from him for a little while.

Definitely noticing guys are being friendlier than usual. My sisters boyfriend will usually just give me hug and thats it but he has actually given me a kiss the last couple of visits. Just a friendly kiss on the cheek nothing more. HE knows better and I definitely know better(I don't like him like that anyway. even if I did just no, nope, never would think about it). Also more hugs. I'll have to ask him to stop though that's something I really don't want to start nor be in the middle of. I'm not comfortable with that even if he is just being friendly. Which he is I can tell he is I just don't want any of that kind of drama in my life. His friends were nicer to me as well. I'm not trying to steal the spotlight from my sister. I want it to stay on her especially when her company is around.

That's enough for now. Still have a lot of issues to work on. So far it's been interesting.

P.S. I anyone has some books,videos, articles, whatever to recommend on the energy that I'm feeling I would appreciate it greatly. I don't know how to explain it too well or what to call it.

[Red_Panda]

wow sounds pretty amazing the changes that are going on within you!
. I would guess that energy feeling is the energy flow within you.
it sounds to me like you are becoming more mindful.
Wich is great! I can relate to the shopping thing. We dont need more new things to be happy
I recommend that you check out the books/ audio
New earth and the Power of now by Echart Tolle. That books really touched me and gave me some kind of spiritual enlightment.
But good job you've been doing. I look forward to start AF myself

[Why So Serious?]

Thanks for the recommendations. It's kind of funny and sad but I do have those books. It's just that I haven't read them in years and they are in storage among many boxes. I'll need to rebuy them or go to library and check them out.

Energy flow? I'm a little confused but I guess that is explained in the books.

I can't wait for you to get started as well. Along with Athnea.

[Red_Panda]

Thanks for the recommendations. It's kind of funny and sad but I do have those books. It's just that I haven't read them in years and they are in storage among many boxes. I'll need to rebuy them or go to library and check them out.

Energy flow? I'm a little confused but I guess that is explained in the books.

I can't wait for you to get started as well. Along with Athnea.

You are welcome. The books are a good reminder for us that it is all up to us how we act and behave and we don't have to be controlled by the negative thoughts/beliefs we have about ourselves.

Ahh sorry I didn't explain the energy flow

The energy flow I am referring comes from chackra and ayurvedic beliefs. I believe that we have energy flow in our body that we can activate. I am a bit spiritual and I believe in some type of god in the form of a big energy around us and radiant channels and we differently connect to various people, some we totally get to and other we are not on the same level. I believe that we affect people with our energy and what we send from within us. I know it sounds weird but this theory is also explained up to some level in the books.

[Why So Serious?]

@ Red Panda
You kind of sound like that guy I was having emotional issues with. Thanks for going into a bit more detail.

Stage 2
Day 18

I only got 5 1/2 hours yesterday because I forgot to turn on the laptop. It sucks. Oh well, I have been having the usual ups and downs.

I have talked to a couple strangers lately and the conversations were interesting. I smile a lot more and some people have been extra helpful the last few days. I really do feel like I'm at peace. I don't feel that depression and even when I do feel it I know for a fact it is just temporary. I have actually felt very grateful for a change. Every now and then simple things really catch my eye like the sun shining through the window or hearing a dog bark, and I just start becoming aware of everything. Just being in the present moment.

What bothered me today was when I walked into wal-mart I was feeling okay. Then I started looking around and saw how most of the women there were not what I would consider alpha (by Shannon's definition not the other websites). Then I started to really see how everyone in the store was almost in a zombie like state. Just doing what they have to do to get by. It made me depressed and have been a bad mood since. I just want to be left alone right now.

I have felt like crying for a while now and can't figure out for the life of me how to release it.

I need to stop beating myself up for feeling bad. I thought I was done but I obviously need to work on that.

I hate that I have to keep the peace and not go out so that nobody has to worry about me. This is a killer but I will be doing something. I also realized to today that I need to move out. Everybody has been talking me out of moving out. I won't be having anymore of it. I really can't do what I want till then. I just need to find a better job. I'm a scared thinking about it but I know it is something that needs to be done. I gotta take some risk and stop playing it safe.


I feel a little better typing that.

[Why So Serious?]

Stage 2
Day 21

The last few days I am feeling down. At first I was worried that the sub wasn't working anymore because I didn't have that euphoric feeling I was experiencing before the last post. Where I could just feel feeling and be okay. Now I feel like I have closed off again.

Anyway I have come to the conclusion that I don't want anyone's validation anymore. It's funny because I thought I was over the validation stuff. Unfortunately I still have the tendency to look for validation in others. Figuring out how to validate myself won't be as easy as I thought in my case.

This may be the reason why all of a sudden I can't stand to be around people. Actually I loathe people right now. I'm very quick to judge and point their faults and weaknesses. This is getting to be a tad bit ridiculous because people that I used to like I have a very hard time being around them. I just see them as weak or pathetic.

Anyway it is time for me to move on for that hell hole I call a job. Just walking in I feel distant like a been there done that feeling with lots of emphases on the I have done that lets move on now. Maybe that would explain why I hate people as well.

While listening to the sub I felt something being realesed. Like I didn't have to worry about something. If only I knew what it was.

I feel like abundance is right there in my face. I can almost taste it but I know don't know how to get a hold of it.

AF I really have no clue where you are leading me now. lol.....kind of

[Why So Serious?]

Stage 2
Day 31ish

Well tomorrow would have been the last day but I missed 4 days(voulue was too low). If I remember correctly that means I have to add on 8 days to this stage. I am coming out of that funky mood I was in earlier slowly but surely. Going back to the good feelings that had at the beginning of this stage.

One of the things I have to keep reminding myself about is that it is okay to not be in good mood all the time. I really should get mad at myself for ........being mad, depressed, sad, etc. I have a good reason so there is no point trying to change it right now. It's serving as motivation to get me into a better place.

I don't like how I treat my nephews but I do see so improvement on the inside. I don't feel as stressed and confused when they come over. I feel calm when they are around sometimes. I know I don't like kids but I really need to improve my interactions with children.

I have looked at my options at becoming an artist and there are literately so many options. It is really difficult deciding which way to go. BUT I really need to just get started at this point. My biggest problem is that I can stay stuck in the planning stage forever. I can't let this happen again. I need to figure out what I'm going to do by December 2.I have an open house to go to at a college I dropped out of. I'll decide from there if I actually want to go back to that college or not.

I still don't know what direction I want to go do I want to do illustraion, animation, concept art for movies, games, and comics, or fine art (realism). For some odd reason I think I'm going to go the animation route. (Even though animation is definitely up there when it comes to difficulty.) In a way it just feels like my mind is made up. I think I know which path I'm going to take but it won't be easy. Then again nothing in life that is worth doing is easy.

I did back track on changing my diet. I was wondering about why I don't seem to care about my weight and health lately. When I went into that state of mind where I didn't have many thoughts I felt like the issuse is much deeper and more complex than I though.

I really need to get back in contact with friends and family. I'm still lazy and scared of doing. More Fear than laziness. I have to admit that the fear isn't as bad as used to be. I don't have that feeling like I'm about to have a heart attack thinking about. Some progress has been made in that area.

Sigh...... It sucks that I have to wait a whole week for stage 3. Oh well, I'm glad I don't have to restart the stage again

[Shawn]

6 days extra are enough. (Missed time in hours or days x 1.5)

[I am a self helper]

Why So Serious, thank you for posting your progress. I am trying to decide if I should go with BASE or AF (I'd it is available in 5G when I am ready) once I finishes EPHRA. I can't wait to see your progress.

[Dee]

I wonder how making a life long decision during such a trasformative time will pan out in the end. Am sure the Alpha you would choose ................... I like the technique from picturing your self in the future and giving your present self advice. It makes the process more objective. Good luck

[eternity]

Any progress on this Why so serious?

[Why So Serious?]

Hello Selfhelper and thank you for stopping by. Glad I could help, even though it's been awhile.

Yes there is progress Enternity_Child.

Hello There Dee, I'm not quite sure what you mean by you know what kind of alpha(ugh......there has got to be a better name for this) I'll be. I'll do that exercise you suggested.

Stage 5 Day1

Well as you can tell starting stage 5 today and you know what I don't really care. I'm not caught up in keeping up with the program every single day like before to see if I'm getting progess. If something happens good, if not than it's still good. I had been debating for some time on whether or not to keep posting in this journal. But I know this may be able to help somebody else out so here goes.

I went through the depression period as usual. Who cares though you can read that in other peoples journals. SO far it's mostly internal changes. I don't feel paninicy or frantic like I used to to on the inside. I feel at peace now. It could still wok on that some more though.

I'm still learning how to take responsibility for myself and boy that hasn't been easy. I'm not talking about what most people call responsible I mean the real responsibility that is so rare to come by. It's a lot of work.

I also FINALLY found my life purpose. With the help of reading the 7 habits of highly effective people. It also helped with the responsibility.

I feel like I'm have become submissive. Not in bad way. I'm not a doormat. I definitely like it. It feels so.......me. I just love helping out.
However, old programming has settled back in and I feel like I'm becoming the old me. I't won't last long though. I'm figuring out how to go back.

I realized that I think way to much about myself and that is why I get so depressed. Also not going out to try and keep the peace isn't helping out either but that is changing tomorrow.
For some odd reason I can't stand being around people who don't seem to have goals. It really drives me.

Also currently rewriting my resume so I can get another job.

I'm sorry if it isn't enough information for you guy's but as I mentioned above I just haven't been keeping up with the progress. That's all for now if I can think of anything else I'll post it here. That's all folks

P.S. May not post anymore because I seriously don't think I would be of help to anyone anymore

[Why So Serious?]

Day 5

Something that I noticed over time is when I read or listen to something motivational or self help related I feel like it really sticks. It feels like I will be able to retain and use the information for the long term. Sometimes I can recall what I read or listened to and apply it without too much effort.

Lately I just want to learn stuff. Like I'm literately hungry for knowledge so at work I have been listening to TED talks and documentaries. What's even more surprising is that no one minds and will even turn down the radio to listen to the talks.
Didn't start happening till a couple of days ago.

As usual I'll post when I think about it.