Alpha Female in Training

[Why So Serious?]

Day 27

I'm almost done with stage 1. It's been kind of rough these last few days.

A couple of days a ago I was very angry and couldn't figure out why. I have never been that angry before, but It cleared up eventually.

I went to my cousins and really hit home how much I need to build up my social skills. I felt really disappointed in the situation, however a part of me felt good that I at least tried. I hadn't seen them in awhile and they still treated me the same. I can understand why my mom is a little frightened when I try to go out to social settings since I'm not social. At the same time I fell like I'm being held back, and that she is worrying to much.I hope this all changes.

I realize that I live in my head way too much and over analyze everything. Think Walter Mitty but my imagination is not that bad.

I have started to draw again and for some odd reason I think I have finally found something that I want to do as career. I'm not too sure yet and not getting my hopes up to high on that one. Life does feel like it has more meaning when I'm drawing, I don't mind getting out bed or going to work as much as long as I can get a sketch in. I think that it will make for an interesting hobby though, not a career. I'll see in the future.

I'm starting to speak my mind a little more. I'm still reserved but I feel like I will get over it. I just don't know when.

I have been getting a few more looks from guy's lately. Some have been slowing down to take a look when I drive with the windows down. It's weird because I don't think I look my best whenever I have went out lately. One of my acquaintance's has been flirting a whole the last couple of weeks.

Can't wait till stage 2

[Why So Serious?]

Day 29

What a day! When I got off of work I decided to run a few arrends. At first I wasn't going to because of the "oh I'm too tired excuse" but I pushed through it. I got the car washed it really need it and cleaned the interior. What was strange it that I actually enjoyed cleaning out the car. Let me tell you that has never happened before. I usually hate doing stuff like that in the heat (well I don't like cleaning at all) but it was.......fun. I'm currently trying to figure out how to organize my room so I can get some work done. I want to decorate it too.

I remembered something I read in The Power of Now that happened to me yesterday while watching t.v. I had moments when I was really getting sucked into whatever I was watching I would snap back to reality. IT was like my brain was telling me okay your going to far with this you need to take a look around, and remember you have other things to do.

I also had a moment while driving and watching the sunset at a stop light that yes there is a universe out there and that we are and we are not that important. Hope that makes sense. Then I wanted to come home and watch The Cosmos on Netflix.

Can't wait for stage 2.

[Athena]

Love reading your journal on this. It's inspiring and interesting!

[Why So Serious?]

Thanks for stopping by Athena. I didn't think my journal was interesting or inspiring compared to others so once again thanks.

Stage 2

Day 2

The last couple of days have been filled with paranoia. I can't tell if it's the pms or the sub, so I'll wait before I make a comment on that. The good news is that I haven't had to take any medication for the cramps although I still get them. It's just not as painful. I still have the mood swings but they are getting a little bit better. The bloating got worse. The cravings have slowed down.

It's kind of funny usually I can't tell if the subs are working or not because of this time of the month. I can definitely feel it working in the background. Even at work I was still trying to be alpha event though I wasn't feeling my best.

I do have my moments where I want to be more productive but once again the procrastination settles in. I really do want to get rid of that once and for all.

Once again for some odd reason I really want and can see myself being an artist. I have even started practicing a little bit. It's like my mind is really made up on being an artist. For once I am going to admit that I am scared of doing this for a living. I think it's because everyone makes it look like it is on of the toughest careers to get into and so little chance of succeeding.
The years of practicing is something that scares me off as well. I would have to practice any where between two to ten years to get where I want to be skill wise. Competition is hellish in that field.
Then I got tot figure out what to do for money till I can make it as an artist because I certainly don't want tot be working where I'm at for ever or any other dead end jobs for that matter.
I may meet up with someone who is an artist as well who I'm really not looking forward to seeing for personal reasons. I might not have a choice in that one. I'll see in the future.

For some odd reason I wouldn't mind going back to college either. Don't know what I would major in but I'll figure it out.

I also figured out that I'm just scared of relationships of kinds. I scared no one will like me once they really get to know so I just start cutting people off after I feel they have gotten to a certain point. I do this with family as well mom and dad included. I'm slowly opening up but his will take some time.

I'm really lost right now on what to do and this paranoid feeling isn't helping. I just want to curl up and ball and disappear. Just get away form everything just for a moments. I know it sounds like I'm going through some serious depression right now. In a way it does feel like it but at the same time it doesn't. I just feels like this is something that er.... how could I put it....needs to be done? I once again don't know how to explain it. Kinda like "This too shall pass". I just need to figure this out and take some action toward whatever I'm going to do. Can't be like this for too long.

Oh and before I go I really think I'm moving toward not drinking and smoking at all. I see wine in the store I remember how it taste and then I just walk past it. I just don't feel the need to do that stuff.

[adam225]

I've more or less lost interest in Alchol as well (AM6). I've got a friends birthday coming up tomorrow which I'm anticipating as I'll be the only one not drinking there - which really wouldn't be a problem if they all weren't so narrow minded. Sadly, they are stuck in the mentality of "you need to drink to have a good time". I can see myself drifting apart from them sooner rather than later.

Keep strong, you're doing great ! I'm enjoying your journal.

[Why So Serious?]

Hey Adam I hope the birthday party went okay. I definitely know what you mean by hanging around people who are like that. My problem is that some of my family members are like that as well. I was wondering how I would handle another family gathering.

Yesterday was a little odd. We forgot to pick up my little niece and nephews because my sister was going out.
Anyway my sister came over to pick them up as usual and sat on the couch displaying how tired she was. Then she asked if I wanted to bring them to her house later on. I told her no and she proceeded to lay on the couch telling everyone that it was time to go. Of course nobody wanted to go home right away and she would keep telling them it's time to go without putting any action behind it. For some odd reason I got angry and felt like I was being manipulated. I walked out of the room my sister did the usual "calling" my little nephew wanted to play one more game and I said no. I think she got the message then and finally got up and started getting everyone ready to go.
I'm not quite sure why I felt the manipulation. I think she hoping I would change my mind and let the kids stay, but she knows that isn't going to happen. Still not to sure about that one maybe it was all in my head.

I notice that my male co-wrokers are giving me some more attention. Asking me what my plans are for the weekend (which sadly isn't anything but that is going to change one way or another doing little things to help me out it's a little weird I need to get used that this.

I'm going out to eat later on to day so I get to see other peoples reaction. Can't wait

Also my mom has been a little clingy It's like if she makes plans she automatically includes me in them. Don't get me wrong I love my mom but I was hoping to go out without her. Maybe hoping she could go out with her friends instead.

Right now I'm watching t.v. and feel kind of high. I don't like this feeling at all but I don't control the t.v. my aunt does. Other than that I would have it turned off. On the plus side looking at people flip houses gives me an idea to give that a try.

[Why So Serious?]

Now I don't feel motivated to anything right now and know I have a lot of work to do. I need to be practicing drawing, learning all of the microsoft office suite, new skills for a new job. For some odd reason it feels like shooting myself in the foot whenever I do try to push myself to get it done or like I'm running against a brick wall. Must be either resistance or laziness. Of course I will continue listening even though right now I feel like turning the sub off.

Seems like I'm being more open about what's going on in this journal. Usually I try not to give out to much information.

I really want this feeling to go away this is not helping in the least bit. I want the motivation back

[JackOfHearts]

Sometimes resistance comes up and laziness with it. That's some drawbacks, I got that sometimes too, usually it doesn't stay for long, 1 one week max.

One things I have notice too, is that AM/AF will push us toward what we really like to do. It will reveal our true self and you might find your job boring if it doesn't suit you. I was feeling like this while studying Information technology. It was like I was wasting my time doing it.

[Why So Serious?]

Sometimes resistance comes up and laziness with it. That's some drawbacks, I got that sometimes too, usually it doesn't stay for long, 1 one week max.

One things I have notice too, is that AM/AF will push us toward what we really like to do. It will reveal our true self and you might find your job boring if it doesn't suit you. I was feeling like this while studying Information technology. It was like I was wasting my time doing it.

Glad to know it won't last too long. Thanks

I felt that way when I was in college. College just became a waste of time and I was just there for the sake of being there. The only reason I was there was because everybody else wanted me to be there but I think I would like to go back now. It's the degree that I want to get that everybody will have a problem with. The good news is that I'm starting to care less if they don't like it.

Job is boring and getting on nerves with issues they are having. You are right about it pushing me toward something I would like to do, it's just getting up and doing without any fear that's the problem.

I'm curious what do you do now or are you still studying information technology?

[JackOfHearts]

I didn't touch or study about information technology since 2 month, I never done that before. While I could still do information technology, I'm no more passionate about it. I think I could light up the fire again though.

Currently, I'm unemployed, I want to be an astrologer. I don't know yet how I going to accomplish that part
BASE would certainly help but I want to finish my first goal first. Maybe I'll go BASE next, I'll decide about this after my rest from AM6.

[Why So Serious?]

I knew you had thing for astrology but never thought you would want to be one. That's actually pretty cool. I would like to see where you go with that.

Stage 2
Day 6

This morning I woke feeling very feminine and more like a woman. I know that sounds weird but all this time I never really embraced it. Sadly most of the feeling went away as time passed.

Today at work I almost got into with a co worker. Usually I wouldn't let stuff like this bother me and I probably could have handled the situation better than I did.
She was trying to throw away a bag of chips in my trash can and I told her not to. She did her usual Awe come on it's not a big deal, but I told her that we have been getting roaches. She still threw it in there anyway. That pissed me off. I dug it out of the trash can (I was going to have to do this anyway because we ran out of trash bags, and it was nearly empty) and put it on her cart and told again to throw it way somewhere else . She still threw it my trash can so I had to throw it away in the other can.
Childish I know. I just wanted her to respect my space. She isn't going to deal the roaches when they appear I have to deal with them and the possibly the boss would get on my case for it. She isn't even in there most of the time. And to make matters worse I know she'll do it again tell me oh it's fine, your crazy, don't worry about it and walk off. My co worker said to be a little bit more opened because they come from the poorer parts of their country so they don't have same idea of clean that we have. IT still pisses him off but I guess he does have a point.

I usually don't blow up over little things like that but it doesn't feel like a little matter. It seems like she does that to everybody. She try's to take over wherever she goes and people just let her. The more I look at it now I don't think she ever had any respect for me and just thinks she can get away with whatever she want just because she is very forceful, and bossy. She just wants it her way or no way.

And I thought I would somehow skip the argumentative stage since the other journals don't touch on that.:p At least I don't remember if they did.

[Shannon]

Maniac, if you want to be a professional astrologer, the first thing to do is master natal astrology. Know it inside and out. Read everything you can find, and cast hundreds and hundreds of charts and interpret them, and get feedback. Do this with people you have never met, who you know nothing about, until you can correlate what is what and be at least 80 to 90% accurate even when you never met or saw the person. And, you need to know why you are wrong if you are wrong, and be able to adjust your readings accordingly. Usually it'll be in polarity of expression; very hard to know that from the chart alone.

Then start studying relational astrology, and master at least one branch of that. You'll want to master both bi-wheel and Davidson chart interpretation.

Then start studying predictive astrology, and try to master at least one branch of that. Transits, progressions, and horary astrology are all great choices.

But you can be successful with just mastering natal astrology.

Why So Serious, you will find that over time, you're going to clash with people like her and even get into serious arguments until they get it that you're not going to put up with their sh*t. If you believe you are right, and it sounds like you are, definitely put your foot down, and pull in reinforcements if you need to. Don't back down. Get in her face and make her respect you and your position.

[JackOfHearts]

Maniac, if you want to be a professional astrologer, the first thing to do is master natal astrology. Know it inside and out. Read everything you can find, and cast hundreds and hundreds of charts and interpret them, and get feedback. Do this with people you have never met, who you know nothing about, until you can correlate what is what and be at least 80 to 90% accurate even when you never met or saw the person. And, you need to know why you are wrong if you are wrong, and be able to adjust your readings accordingly. Usually it'll be in polarity of expression; very hard to know that from the chart alone.

Then start studying relational astrology, and master at least one branch of that. You'll want to master both bi-wheel and Davidson chart interpretation.

Then start studying predictive astrology, and try to master at least one branch of that. Transits, progressions, and horary astrology are all great choices.

But you can be successful with just mastering natal astrology.

That's what I have been doing. Thanks for the advice. For now I'm going to study Vedic tropical astrology. They interpret things a little bit different.

[Why So Serious?]

@Shannon
Apparently one time was enough. I think I scared her a bit because she didn't talk to me for a couple of days. Now we just keep the conversation short and simple.

Stage 2
Day 9

I have been feeling very tired lately. Even typing this is exhausting but I have something to say.

This is going to be embarrassing to admit but for the last few days I have been trying to get over this limerence. It's really got a grip on me. The good news is that reality settles in more often for me which is a good thing. I just wish it would go away. Actually I thought I had it taken care of months ago but it's back it's not as bad though so that's another good thing. Earlier today it hit me real hard.I kept having memories of looking into his eyes and for a minute seeing myself in his eyes. Kind of like mirror. Hearing his voice and it feeling like I had known him forever. The whole feeling like time stopped and there is nobody else is around. Blah.... it feels gross typing about it. I could type some more but I'll leave it at that. I think whatever happened was just a hallucination to make me feel connected to him.

I just want it over. I'm tired of feeling this way.:@

I haven't been in the mood to deal with people lately either. My motivation has dropped but it hasn't went away completely. I haven't been feeling well with the nuasea and weakness. Earlier it felt like something inside of me was dying and that I being separated from something. I still feel it a little.
Watching Avatar the last Airbender is really bringing up a bunch of emotion. It the last two episodes of season 2.

I also think that for the first time ever other people are starting to pick up on me not feeling to upbeat. Usually I'm good at hiding it but lately my boss asked if I was okay and then my mom. Of course my mom asked more often. It's just weird for that to happen and I don't think I'm doing anything different.

I still feel like the sub is still working in the background so I don't doubt it working. I'm just trying to figure out what all of this stuff means. Maybe I just need to let it be, I don't know feeling very confused right now.