Alpha 5.0

[Spiral]

Eat shit loads of vegetables and you'll get your calories.

Your body LOVES Vegetables.

[SargeMaximus]

Eat shit loads of vegetables and you'll get your calories.

Your body LOVES Vegetables.

Maybe it does, but it has yet to let me know that.

Besides, eating is a chore. And to eat that many vegetables lol, no thanks.

[mat422]

Today was unusually rough. Over the weekend I worked on some music. Hit a creative wall, got pretty frustrated, and from there things seem to have gone south a bit. I really have a hard time coming back to work from the weekend. But today was bad. My guess is because I left the weekend feeling incredibly frustrated because of the music. Against my better judgement I had a cup of coffee this morning just so I could make it through at least half the day. When I crashed from that my mood plummeted even more. I don't know what it is with coffee, but it makes me severely depressed. I won't do that again.

How I feel right now. I'm just hoping I wake up tomorrow feeling better. My memory was shot today, couldn't get my work done properly, and excessive worry about my future crept back in as I realized I had no interest in my current job at all. At least by the end of the week I'll be moving onto stage 4, so that's something to look forward to.

[SargeMaximus]

Today was unusually rough. Over the weekend I worked on some music. Hit a creative wall, got pretty frustrated, and from there things seem to have gone south a bit. I really have a hard time coming back to work from the weekend. But today was bad. My guess is because I left the weekend feeling incredibly frustrated because of the music. Against my better judgement I had a cup of coffee this morning just so I could make it through at least half the day. When I crashed from that my mood plummeted even more. I don't know what it is with coffee, but it makes me severely depressed. I won't do that again.

How I feel right now. I'm just hoping I wake up tomorrow feeling better. My memory was shot today, couldn't get my work done properly, and excessive worry about my future crept back in as I realized I had no interest in my current job at all. At least by the end of the week I'll be moving onto stage 4, so that's something to look forward to.

Yeah man, coffee is the devil, at least for me. If you need a "pick-me-up" drink, try matcha tea. It's ridiculously expensive, but it's also ridiculously healthy and there's no crash, at least I've never experienced one. It's gotta be brewed carefully though. 175 F temperature, and they recommend a special whisk though I just use a spoon.

But yeah, just try to focus on your future. If you want to leave your job, oddly enough that job is a vital part of the plan. Hope that makes sense.

[mat422]

Today was unusually rough. Over the weekend I worked on some music. Hit a creative wall, got pretty frustrated, and from there things seem to have gone south a bit. I really have a hard time coming back to work from the weekend. But today was bad. My guess is because I left the weekend feeling incredibly frustrated because of the music. Against my better judgement I had a cup of coffee this morning just so I could make it through at least half the day. When I crashed from that my mood plummeted even more. I don't know what it is with coffee, but it makes me severely depressed. I won't do that again.

How I feel right now. I'm just hoping I wake up tomorrow feeling better. My memory was shot today, couldn't get my work done properly, and excessive worry about my future crept back in as I realized I had no interest in my current job at all. At least by the end of the week I'll be moving onto stage 4, so that's something to look forward to.

Yeah man, coffee is the devil, at least for me. If you need a "pick-me-up" drink, try matcha tea. It's ridiculously expensive, but it's also ridiculously healthy and there's no crash, at least I've never experienced one. It's gotta be brewed carefully though. 175 F temperature, and they recommend a special whisk though I just use a spoon.

But yeah, just try to focus on your future. If you want to leave your job, oddly enough that job is a vital part of the plan. Hope that makes sense.

I'll check that tea out. I feel like lately I've just been trying to live in the present more. My future is still really unclear and thinking about it tends to cause me anxiety. Then again maybe I'm confusing thinking about the future with worrying about the future. I grew up constantly worrying, so sometimes I have trouble separating the two. This job, it's definitely been a great opportunity, but it just doesn't feel right. The problem is it's good pay and I'm already in debt from student loans. I'm gonna have to work either way, so I might as well stick with a job that I can tolerate. Meanwhile I'll keep my eyes open.

[mat422]

Lately I've been feeling the urge to work on my personal style. As much as I've learned about myself over the years, the one thing I don't seem to have is how I present myself to the world. Obviously clothes don't make the man, but clothes are part of expressing who you are.

First thing I want to say is guys get a ton of crap for wanting to dress nicer or learn about fashion. You hear garbage like "real men don't care about fashion", but it's typically from a guy with a beer gut who dresses like a slob.

For a long long time I've worn a reserved style, just t shirts and jeans. Mostly I had the skater look going on. I just never felt secure enough to push my comfort zone and try new things out. I saw it as the more I stood out, the more attention I'd get. Not necessarily good attention either. When you dress nicer I think it makes others who don't try self conscious. Then they want to put you down so they can feel better about themselves.

Then there is my older brother. I know for a fact once I start dressing nicer and trying to work on my own personal style he's gonna say something. He hates clothes, he sees them as materialistic stupid superficial objects that he has to wear. I feel like that attitude rubbed off on me because for a while I felt guilty about wanting to look better. It's no wonder I hated shopping for new clothes or trying out different things, I was just filled with guilt about being some try hard loser. My brother has just been this vortex of negativity in my life, he has a lot of unresolved anger and his viewpoints are very rigid and fixed and he pushes them on everyone else without him even knowing it.

The alpha male program is definitely pushing me to redefine my outer image. I'm still unsure of exactly what that image looks like though. All I know is that this new image feels like a powerful symbol of change. The guilt about showing myself off to the world is lifting. It's not in a narcissistic way either. Rather it requires more energy to constantly push down that self expression and tell myself that it doesn't matter.

[mat422]

Bah. That last post, I don't feel it anymore. It would be nice to work on my appearance, but honestly I don't have the energy. I'm not a slob, but I'm not really all that stylish either.

Right now I've got a metaphorical gas tank. Work usually drains about half of that, maybe more depending on how the day goes. My music production can be draining as well. At times it is stressful making the music, but I enjoy it. Whereas working on my dress sense, it seems like a lot of work to me and spending energy on that seems more of a waste.

I guess what I'm rambling about is stressing about what I need to do isn't of any help if I don't really have the energy to do it. So I might as well just enjoy what I can do and when I'm ready tackle something else.

Today I spent a couple of minutes outside just sitting in the sun in my backyard. Listening to the sounds and taking in the sights. Just experiencing nature and detaching from the chaos I feel like my life is in right now. Taking in the beauty was nice. But it just felt like I couldn't connect as much. I read on another forum how depression can be like a buzzing noise layered over everything. That's been my experience. It's not so much the absence of being able to appreciate these things, but more like I can't experience them to the fullest. And to some extent things are very dream like, they don't seem real. Hard to describe if you've never experienced it.

Anyway, gonna get some allergy tests at the end of this month. See what could be contributing to this for sure. For the time being I haven't changed my diet even though I feel like gluten could be causing issues. I can't cut it out just yet, otherwise I won't get accurate results.

Back to job hunting for me. Hopefully something shows up. I'm a broke bastard. Most of my money has been going to repaying student loans.

[mat422]

Mental illness runs in my family. My mom's side at least. I believe in genetic factors. Does it mean it's permanent or impossible to overcome? Absolutely not. Does it make it incredibly difficult? Yes.

I keep my depression a secret from everyone in my life. I still haven't opened up completely to my own parents. Maybe I just don't want to open up or maybe I don't want advice that makes me feel worse about myself.

I carry around a lot of guilt over it. How could I not? Given all the advancements in science, it's still a mental disorder. Most people hear mental and think it's all in the head. Which means individuals who suffer from depression just need to suck it up or stop being negative. They see it as an imaginary problem. Which is easy to do if they haven't experienced it.

I've struggled in life and I continue to struggle. Every step of the way I've blamed myself for not being able to overcome my challenges. But maybe I never had a choice. It sounds like a defeated attitude, but honestly I don't care. Everyone wants to believe in free will, it's that comfort of knowing that you have control. Take control away from people and they get upset. I'm not giving up and I'm not making excuses. All I'm saying is, I was thrown into these problems against my free will. I'll do my best to overcome everything. But I'm done feeling guilty for it all. If that means eventually taking anti-depressants, I don't care. I'll exhaust all my other options and leave it as a last resort.

[rayrocanaldo]

You are courageous. Good ! You'll overcome ! Don't feel bad about depression. It's not a me tal "illness"! That's BS. You are a creator and you created that depression programming based on past events( namely family's behaviours). Since you are the creator, you can eliminate that depression and create something else. There are tons of ways of getting rid depression. Shannon has got a sub on depressionthat could help when you are done Alpha or the happiness & joy sub or positive thinking or gratitude or Life tune up.

Personally, I wouldn't tell my family I had depression but it depends. Are they negative critical people ? If you have depression, chances are, they are. Do they know how to deal with depression/anxiety/fear, etc ? My family wouldn't understand how to help with depression and they can be quite critical ans negative. I don't tell them because I don't want more of what caused my negativity.
Given that, I avoid as much as I can opening up about this except if it were a solid mentor who's got good knowledge like Shannon for example.

That's my take

Ray

[SargeMaximus]

You are courageous. Good ! You'll overcome ! Don't feel bad about depression. It's not a me tal "illness"! That's BS. You are a creator and you created that depression programming based on past events( namely family's behaviours). Since you are the creator, you can eliminate that depression and create something else. There are tons of ways of getting rid depression.

I agree. I suffered from depression for most of my life following traumatic events in my childhood that I'd rather not go in to.

The point is: I had depression. I had reason to keep it around, and I learned to live with it. Then, one day, I decided I was tired of being depressed and didn't want to be anymore.

I sought help and tried a psychiatrist.

After a few sessions I realized that the only one who could "cure" my depression was me. That didn't mean "suck it up" or "deal with it" it meant look to the future and not look back.

I'm sure I still have the lingering effects especially when things get rough, but the main thing is to keep focused on progressing. Aim for the stars and never look down and you'll find yourself losing that depression very quickly.

[mat422]

You are courageous. Good ! You'll overcome ! Don't feel bad about depression. It's not a me tal "illness"! That's BS. You are a creator and you created that depression programming based on past events( namely family's behaviours). Since you are the creator, you can eliminate that depression and create something else. There are tons of ways of getting rid depression. Shannon has got a sub on depressionthat could help when you are done Alpha or the happiness & joy sub or positive thinking or gratitude or Life tune up.

Personally, I wouldn't tell my family I had depression but it depends. Are they negative critical people ? If you have depression, chances are, they are. Do they know how to deal with depression/anxiety/fear, etc ? My family wouldn't understand how to help with depression and they can be quite critical ans negative. I don't tell them because I don't want more of what caused my negativity.
Given that, I avoid as much as I can opening up about this except if it were a solid mentor who's got good knowledge like Shannon for example.

That's my take

Ray

I understand where you are coming from, but to say depression isn't a mental illness, it minimizes it. And in today's society we need to push more to understand why individuals suffer from depression. Programming has something to do with it, yeah. But you can take two individuals. One could have kind nurturing parents and the other can have critical negative ones. Sometimes the outcome isn't what you'd think. The child with kind parents grows up with depression and the child with critical ones doesn't. It's not as simple as most people would like to believe unfortunately.

My parents aren't critical at all. They've been nothing but supportive over the years. My biggest regret is not opening up to them as much as I should. They care about me and they want to see me grow and thrive. But it was my own embarrassment and shame that prevented me from telling them what I go through. I'm very lucky to have supportive parents. Even if they don't fully understand it, they try. Anybody would get frustrated watching a person make the same mistakes over and over again without knowing how to help them, so I don't hold it against them.

You are courageous. Good ! You'll overcome ! Don't feel bad about depression. It's not a me tal "illness"! That's BS. You are a creator and you created that depression programming based on past events( namely family's behaviours). Since you are the creator, you can eliminate that depression and create something else. There are tons of ways of getting rid depression.

I agree. I suffered from depression for most of my life following traumatic events in my childhood that I'd rather not go in to.

The point is: I had depression. I had reason to keep it around, and I learned to live with it. Then, one day, I decided I was tired of being depressed and didn't want to be anymore.

I sought help and tried a psychiatrist.

After a few sessions I realized that the only one who could "cure" my depression was me. That didn't mean "suck it up" or "deal with it" it meant look to the future and not look back.

I'm sure I still have the lingering effects especially when things get rough, but the main thing is to keep focused on progressing. Aim for the stars and never look down and you'll find yourself losing that depression very quickly.

Focusing on the future helps, but it's not just mental. It's not just sadness or negative feelings. It's a physical thing. I'm burned out, I'm tired, I'm slow, everything takes tremendous effort. I can't really aim for the stars, I've got nothing to shoot for at the moment. That's how it's always been for me since I was a teenager, when depression hit me. I used to think if I just focused on the future and started getting my life together things would get better. It's not the case. The external has limited impact on how I feel on the inside. Just realizing that and taking this depression thing more seriously instead of some minor phase that I need to grow out of is important. Pushing it away doesn't work, I've been pushing it away for too long. It's a serious problem in my life and it's only grown worse as I've gotten older.

I guess what I'm saying is this is like trying to run through a brick wall. You have to take down the brick wall first before you can move past it. So I have to start focusing on getting better before I can move forward. Ideally I'd want to do both at once, but I just have to accept that I have limited resources and instead of splitting my focus several different ways I should target this one obstacle.

[SargeMaximus]

Focusing on the future helps, but it's not just mental. It's not just sadness or negative feelings. It's a physical thing. I'm burned out, I'm tired, I'm slow, everything takes tremendous effort. I can't really aim for the stars, I've got nothing to shoot for at the moment. That's how it's always been for me since I was a teenager, when depression hit me. I used to think if I just focused on the future and started getting my life together things would get better. It's not the case. The external has limited impact on how I feel on the inside. Just realizing that and taking this depression thing more seriously instead of some minor phase that I need to grow out of is important. Pushing it away doesn't work, I've been pushing it away for too long. It's a serious problem in my life and it's only grown worse as I've gotten older.

I guess what I'm saying is this is like trying to run through a brick wall. You have to take down the brick wall first before you can move past it. So I have to start focusing on getting better before I can move forward. Ideally I'd want to do both at once, but I just have to accept that I have limited resources and instead of splitting my focus several different ways I should target this one obstacle.

Look man, you don't have to tell me how it is, I know. And I'm telling you, you just move forward. Heck I feel lethargic, apathetic, and crummy most of the time, but it's background noise.

I'm also not saying you push it away. You accept it. And by accepting it, integrating it, and owning the fact that you feel that way while focusing on the future, it becomes a comrade instead of an obstacle.

Have you read my journal and how I'm starting to see results with women because of my mind set? Where do you think that mind set comes from? A history of bliss?

Live your own life man, don't see the shoes you wear as wrong or "obstacles" to overcome before you can move. Accept that you're wearing them, and get moving. At least, that's what I try to do.

I think a problem with "depression" is that we think it needs to be gone before we can do anything. It's like going to the gym or doing anything in life. We think we have to feel "good" before we can do anything nowadays, but it's not true. Heck, there have been plenty of times where I went to the gym despite the fact that I was too tired or felt compromised in some physical way. There have been times where I've talked to women despite feeling like complete shit. And you know what? I made progress in both areas.

Growth hurts my man, and life ain't a bed of roses.

[Mz. Gem]

Focusing on the future helps, but it's not just mental. It's not just sadness or negative feelings. It's a physical thing. I'm burned out, I'm tired, I'm slow, everything takes tremendous effort. I can't really aim for the stars, I've got nothing to shoot for at the moment. That's how it's always been for me since I was a teenager, when depression hit me. I used to think if I just focused on the future and started getting my life together things would get better. It's not the case. The external has limited impact on how I feel on the inside. Just realizing that and taking this depression thing more seriously instead of some minor phase that I need to grow out of is important. Pushing it away doesn't work, I've been pushing it away for too long. It's a serious problem in my life and it's only grown worse as I've gotten older.

I guess what I'm saying is this is like trying to run through a brick wall. You have to take down the brick wall first before you can move past it. So I have to start focusing on getting better before I can move forward. Ideally I'd want to do both at once, but I just have to accept that I have limited resources and instead of splitting my focus several different ways I should target this one obstacle.

Look man, you don't have to tell me how it is, I know. And I'm telling you, you just move forward. Heck I feel lethargic, apathetic, and crummy most of the time, but it's background noise.

I'm also not saying you push it away. You accept it. And by accepting it, integrating it, and owning the fact that you feel that way while focusing on the future, it becomes a comrade instead of an obstacle.

Have you read my journal and how I'm starting to see results with women because of my mind set? Where do you think that mind set comes from? A history of bliss?

Live your own life man, don't see the shoes you wear as wrong or "obstacles" to overcome before you can move. Accept that you're wearing them, and get moving. At least, that's what I try to do.

I think a problem with "depression" is that we think it needs to be gone before we can do anything. It's like going to the gym or doing anything in life. We think we have to feel "good" before we can do anything nowadays, but it's not true. Heck, there have been plenty of times where I went to the gym despite the fact that I was too tired or felt compromised in some physical way. There have been times where I've talked to women despite feeling like complete shit. And you know what? I made progress in both areas.

Growth hurts my man, and life ain't a bed of roses.

Bravo Sarge!
Well stated..

Reminds me of my all time favorite quote:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
~Anaïs Nin

[mat422]

Focusing on the future helps, but it's not just mental. It's not just sadness or negative feelings. It's a physical thing. I'm burned out, I'm tired, I'm slow, everything takes tremendous effort. I can't really aim for the stars, I've got nothing to shoot for at the moment. That's how it's always been for me since I was a teenager, when depression hit me. I used to think if I just focused on the future and started getting my life together things would get better. It's not the case. The external has limited impact on how I feel on the inside. Just realizing that and taking this depression thing more seriously instead of some minor phase that I need to grow out of is important. Pushing it away doesn't work, I've been pushing it away for too long. It's a serious problem in my life and it's only grown worse as I've gotten older.

I guess what I'm saying is this is like trying to run through a brick wall. You have to take down the brick wall first before you can move past it. So I have to start focusing on getting better before I can move forward. Ideally I'd want to do both at once, but I just have to accept that I have limited resources and instead of splitting my focus several different ways I should target this one obstacle.

Look man, you don't have to tell me how it is, I know. And I'm telling you, you just move forward. Heck I feel lethargic, apathetic, and crummy most of the time, but it's background noise.

I'm also not saying you push it away. You accept it. And by accepting it, integrating it, and owning the fact that you feel that way while focusing on the future, it becomes a comrade instead of an obstacle.

Have you read my journal and how I'm starting to see results with women because of my mind set? Where do you think that mind set comes from? A history of bliss?

Live your own life man, don't see the shoes you wear as wrong or "obstacles" to overcome before you can move. Accept that you're wearing them, and get moving. At least, that's what I try to do.

I think a problem with "depression" is that we think it needs to be gone before we can do anything. It's like going to the gym or doing anything in life. We think we have to feel "good" before we can do anything nowadays, but it's not true. Heck, there have been plenty of times where I went to the gym despite the fact that I was too tired or felt compromised in some physical way. There have been times where I've talked to women despite feeling like complete shit. And you know what? I made progress in both areas.

Growth hurts my man, and life ain't a bed of roses.

But that background noise. Don't you think your life would be a hell of a lot easier without it? You've got a point though, if I keep waiting for it to get better before I move forward I'll be wasting valuable time.

I'm just confused how you could turn it into a comrade. I've pretty much accepted this for a large portion of my life. Maybe it helped me be more resilient, but other than that I couldn't possibly see how it's not an obstacle. Especially when I feel like it interferes with moving forward.