All that is gold does not glitter... yet! - Mateunio's Alpha Male 6 journal

[blue42]

sometimes delay can work to your advantage, altho 95% of the time Im going to say no.

""If you know yourself and you know your enemy you may not fear the outcome of a thousand battles"."

Thanks for that.

[Mystic Pymp]

The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.

Stage 1 Day 6

So I wrote to her and probably the best possible outcome happened - she gently refused. No drama, no excuses or lying, simply "I'm not interested, but thanks ". Why is it best? Because I've accomplished my goal of asking her out (however cowardly and pathetic it might have been) while not wasting my time and energy on her. Don't get me wrong, half a year ago I'd be sad about it. But for next month all of it should be spend on me alone, on self-improvement and becoming Alpha and that's what's important. I shall have both Time and Patience on my side. With them on my side nothing will conquer me, not my weaknesses, not women, not any hardship fate might send in my way.

Today there's gonna be first in-field test of AM as I'll be going to the party tonight. I don't expect many anything changing much since I'm barely week in. I'm curious however how my dynamics will look like once I get in there and phase in.

[Mystic Pymp]

I thought it was absence I felt. It wasn't. It isn't. It is the presence of absence. It is the indwelling of the unreal. It is an approximation of actuality. In some way, although unreal, the things for which we yearn are actually present in our longing. Shared solitudes that are Not enter into us, and we know them by the void their presence presses into our hearts. The fullness of the presence of absence is what makes the tears flow in the dark, not pain. The intimacy of our missing dreams fills us, fills us to overflowing, and when we cry with longing, we cry because we are full.

Stage 1 Day 6 Evening

I didn't go to the party. I could, but I didn't want to. I like to drink and recently I tend to enjoy such endeavors very much, but there is something I resent. And that is drinking out of sadness. Does it mean I am sad now? Not exactly, but it's the easiest way to describe it. I feel emptiness, absence. I felt this month ago while running LTU, but it was different kind of absence. Back then I felt like I cut off cancerous part of myself, it made me light and happy. Now I feel like what was cut off was hope, something good and pure. The strangest part is that I don't understand why it hurts so much. I shouldn't, it wasn't big deal and from the start I knew how this is likely to end. Oh, my subconscious, our partnership is hard sometimes. I must know why, reasons must be hidden somewhere inside me, I must only get to them and uncover them. I'll dedicate next two days on that.

This is such a beta thinking :/

[blue42]

its genuine concerned thinking. Real men talk about there feelings.

[Mystic Pymp]

its genuine concerned thinking. Real men talk about there feelings.

You're right. It's just that those feeling are the same pattern I had before and seeing it reemerge when I made good progress with LTU is such disappointing for me. 2 steps forward, 1 step back, right? Would I be happier without those "beta" thoughts? I think better question is "Would I be me without the thoughts? Who would that person be?"

I think I simply expect AM to work too fast, got too excited. Only 1 or 2 days ago would AM induced fatigue end which indicates my mind finally got used to new script, and where to the point when I'll overcome resistance and really start absorbing and act on AM's suggestions? As I said before, I must be patient. Results will come without me even noticing them, I'm sure. But until then I refuse to sit idle and wait. I want to do, fail and regret until I either stop failing or I stop regretting.

[Mystic Pymp]

The haft of the arrow had been feathered with one of the eagle's own plumes. We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.

Stage 1 Day 7

Seven days already, and it felt like a month. I wanted to have a quiet day today, but combination of Steam sales (Civ 5 bought, been on my list since forever), good weather for running (3k in 18 minutes, not bad considering I didn't run seriously in 3 months) and family affairs halted my plans. Hopefully tomorrow or even tonight I'll find some time to contemplate and meditate. I don't like meditating at night because I tend to be very sleepy while at it and after 20 minutes I simply get into pre-dream state. To be honest my favorite kind of meditation is Walking Zen kind of thing, but it's not always applicable and this is one of those cases.

Today's quote has nothing to do with my thoughts, but I found it cool enough to post it anyhow

[Mystic Pymp]

Things work a fast as you allow them to. It often takes a greater effort to resist something than to allow it. Were trained to be this way for the most part, unless your a beautiful woman.

I may be scared of my destiny and weight it might hold on my yet weak shoulders, but I know I won't run away from it. So I embrace change, allow suggestions filtered by my own values to sink into me and live to see the results. I'm trying day and again to understand my potential. And to understand is to become - a process which depends on my will indeed. Thus you're right, changes come as I allow it.

[Mystic Pymp]

The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

Stage 1 Day 8

I have to limit my exposure time quite significantly, perhaps even bring it down to my LTU standards (listening only during sleep). It feels like there are too many thoughts running through my head, I cannot concentrate. All I can do is to kill time watching movies or browsing through the Internet. I want result, but those 18 hours/day are simply not worth it, especially since I want to get started on some projects on Monday, possibly even tomorrow.

That being said I've done some meditation and although nothing really astonishing was revealed, it helped a lot. Last couple of days I lost focus, targeted outside while inside is what's important. Change must come from within, but also into within - my surroundings are just a catalyst in the process. It's not to say that catalyst is to be ignored, quite opposite actually, without changes there real transformation will never happen. However I must focus on my endgame, and it cares only for the inside. So I should not focus on what is and what is not around me as I did past week, but look within or in the mirror and look for goals there. It's hard because will never be tangential goal, but stone after stone, gravel after gravel I will move this mountain.

[Mystic Pymp]

Well my life is made of sand
It flows right through my hand
Each day I make a stand
And I'll see it through
I'll be reachin for the light
I'll be wearin out the night
And you know I'll be alright
I'll be holdin on

Stage 1 Day 9

I've just watched Ridley Scott's Black Rain from 1989 and it was AWESOME! Blackdragon was right in his book, Hollywood doesn't make movies like that anymore. Of course after 25 years much has changes and some scenes look cliche and outright funny, but atmosphere and acting was just filled with testosterone. Not to mention 1980's climate, it was almost like mix of Miami Vice and Blade Runner. Soundtrack by Hans Zimmer just bursts with synthesizers and power ballads (like one in my quote), even more 80's style. And, of course, our protagonist which kicked ass and went his own path, as Alpha should. 9/10 with seal of approval and added to list of movies I'll be playing to my son, once I have one.

Anyhow, enough of movie review. I've been together with my parents to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. And what I saw made me quite sad. All those families and couples walking aimlessly being forced to buy presents because it's tradition and they don't want to look like a-holes by not buying. I saw children being dragged by their parents cause they don't want to go and it makes only both parties angry and passive-aggressive. I saw beta boyfriends walking one step behind their significant halves as they were choosing through countless perfumes and jewelry. And whatever cynicism and sarcasm I'd use I must admit I was part of it too, even if I felt more like observer than participant. And it doesn't matter how much I thought about how shops raised prices and call it sale, how much I contemplated all those people that didn't want to even be there, I was part of it and it makes me sad, almost dirty. It's not what Christmas is all about.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 1 Day 12

I've lost one day of listening due to fun interactions with cousin, but I don't think I'll extend this stage because of it. I'm getting way more exposure now than I will later on, so it should even out nicely.

I feel terrible. I don't know what in AM does this (improved ERPHA maybe?), but it really punishes me. I really miss optimism brought by LTU - it's still there but in the background, hidden in the shadows while before it was in the spotlight. It might be my autumn blues coming a bit late. Anyhow I feel like everything is void, stupid and pointless. Like completely, not even empty but empty of empty. It's sad feeling, leaves you powerless and makes any action you make non consequential. Oblivion is what it is. It's bad feeling, feeling I don't wanna feel. I must get to work, do something, occupy myself. But excuses arrive one after another and my will is to weak, so weak. I want to order my life, rebuild it from ground up, but I cannot lay foundations good enough to hold the new. So I'm left with improving, renovating and sorting. Slowly. With void all around me.

I have two questions to Shannon but if that was discussed already somewhere (which I'm sure it was) please let me know.
1) How much time must pass between two runs of AM6? Can this gap be filled with 4G product?
2) Are there any approved affirmations for AM6? While doing LTU it really helped me out to read as affirmations whatever of the script was published. Is there some part of AM6 published like that?

[Mystic Pymp]

From the ashes a fire shall be woken
A light from the shadows shall spring
Renewed shall be blade that was broken
The crownless again shall be King

Stage 1 Day 13

Oh wow, I've just read my update from yesterday and it's awful! I wrote it half decent and it did describe my feelings well, but it's more pessimistic and apocalyptic than emo chick in the middle of razor session. World does seem void nowadays, so so did more often than not for the last 6 years probably and it's almost natural for me. I've learnt to live with it and to cope with it. It doesn't hurt me any more than brushing teeth or going out to buy some bread does. Not to mention even in the voidest of void there is always glimmer of hope on the horizon. It's hard to see it sometimes, but it's there.

@blue42
Smelting sound bad, it denotes destroying the old to create something new. Unless old was flawed beyond repair smelting is act of barbarism. That's why elves didn't smelted shards of Narsil to create Andúril, they only reforged it. In fire and flame and hardened manifold, of course, but sword essentially remained what it was. And so do I.

[Mystic Pymp]

The most important thing I promised myself (whatever "myself" denotes) is that I will stay true to who I am. I have no intention to look in the mirror after successful AM run to not recognize the old Me. Perhaps it's because I'm scared of my potential or maybe because I fear change more than I'm willing to acknowledge. At any rate whatever makes me "Me" is to stay where it is. What is Me is up to debate, but I think I have good enough understanding of it, even if I'm unable to understand it without writing autobiography or at least 20 pages long essay. What is significant is that I have a lot of room for improvement and evolution without forsaking Me. In that mirror I want to see someone happier, slimmer, wiser, successful and perhaps even not alone. But I want to see the same eyes, the same look with qualities no sub should (can?) change.

[Mystic Pymp]

Should I let myself be captured in the trap? Isn't the purpose of the trap to avoid it, or at most examine it from afar?

[Mystic Pymp]

So, I guessed that much. For now I will just poke it with a looooooong stick and see what happens. Once I know its every detail and mechanism I will take a closer look, but only then and only carefully. Curiosity killed the cat after all.