AM6 second coming

[Kol]

Day 7

Im feeling very incongrugent and its hella confusing. I am very mute and timid and it pisses me off. Its like a inner sadness which I cant place even tho I have grown massively and expanded personally wise internally, Im socially feeling cut off. It will pass but damn its as if being behind a glass window merely observing.
Its a hard slap in the face, facing these things again. Discouraging. The whole mindset of being socially shut off while there is nothing to be afraid off and going new places and flying solo and high is great, but this gives such a inadequate sense like it will never get right. So much potential yet so closed off at the same time.

Fuck you isolation. Fuck you. Fuck self sabotaging. Fuck hiding in old patterns that shoot me in the foot. I can feel and grasp it almost yet not yet and it fucking sucks.

I really want this to be over and is a reason why I decided to run AM a second time besides deeper solidifying business. Tbh I right now dont want to run AM a third time while yesterday I could run it forever. Girls at work eye fuck me and subtle body language indicating interest take place and I just cant bring myself to engage in this shit. DMSI better solves this when Im done with this second run.

Edit1: now, when im consciously go to new places things go down, went to another grocery store and eye contact was pretty on point, made some flirty comments and no trace of anxiety was felt. next up number. I need to keep on moving and visit new places, the same people and places seem to trigger something in me, somewhat being i stasis and middle ground. why? I dont know. When going new places new experiences open me up more. Feeling good.

Edit2: humor on point. Value giving on point. Deep changes happening in great directions it seem to what irks me for a long time increasing my confidence. I really am wanting to have these 'holdbacks' being dissolved which I experience occasionally and fully be real even as I understand skill. For some reason the skill itself comes down due experience and from memory I had tons of oppurtunity in the past with girls just digging me for fun by simply plowing and being cheeky. When the SJW malaise wasnt so rampant. Such as the 'well I would give you a handjob' kind of stuff. Crazy times. If only I was more aware back then. Seduction like the serpent slithering and sexual hypnotic with a grin on my face. Also been thinking how much there is to learn from nature and the sexual nature of well...uhm...nature. that rawness. Even rivers are sexual. Deep stuff.


Now, back to drinking tea like a fucking boss. Hell, I can make drinking tea even awesome.

[Kol]

Stage 5 is pretty amazing so far. Really want to wear some Allen edmonds boots, dressing in layers, cardigans, having accesories to wear that tell a story. I do experience way more libertion and freedom aswell in my own skills, personality and complex-ness. I do encounter what I call "compartimalization, meaning, I have have incongrugent interests going on which can put me off balance, including fashion. Financial wise, there has been a shift to skills. I still do care about money and the such and love it, welcome it, which is also a pretty strong attitude shift, but what I do crave is freedom in all ways. freedom to experience, explore, live and taste.

Going back to more healthy food. Tbh, my hunger has increased strongly like there is no tommorw at times. Im talking about fishoil caps, tea, organic stuff, stuff that actually has lived instead of so much processed. Now, I can see how the market does play on these needs, as this is my vision aswell as of late, seeing the nitty gritty behind the movement and current as to why it takes place, understanding the dynamics of supply and demand, the models, and how needs can be atually created and introduced. Its all big business and its overwhelming me a bit. What I also experience is the inner support system from within myself, like, there can be love goggles without self betrayal, rather more of a kinship and understandign bonding. its like all my hate is dissipating in a way an takes place for passion, thriving, living and fun. confidence and upliftings like bootstraps.

I keep being hit with inspiration lots this stage. many shitfs. Also, many things are coming together this stage already nicely and clearly, insight is pretty strong.

Focus, set goal, attain that goal, even now im getting the 5 year plan which was unthinkable before for me and made me feel clueless.

also, fuck all who speak negative about age and the such, I myself am 27 and tbf, Im young and the world is open before me.

[Kol]

Inspirational as fuck.

[Kol]

Massive euphoria and sleepiness hit me like a truck. Cery good. Feeling strongly upgrading and even stronger clarity. This is huge and feel seduction is internal and disembodied in this way. Not exactly state transferance but an primal animalistic magnetism. Very strong liberation on this stage and it only gets more and more strongly including some pure internal drive around it all as if having everything fixed. Curious as to how Alpha someone can get through these subs. The euphoria and sleepiness overwhelmed me a bit like some sort of ecstatic inter-sex state.

ION: some girl messaged me online with the sentence of 'you are making me curious'. Can ask her pretty direct what makes her curious in a slight sexual way to get her fantasy go running yet simultaneously I'm in a tiny bit of doubt. I do prefer offline stuff, hooking in on vibe and stuff. Big change in mindset and internal state for me as being driven by some primal mode. Nothing to lose and not that invested at all at this point. Older, around 30 while In 27. At the same time feeling very much 'in my own world' and even gentleman-ish in how I carry myself? Wtf.

Im discovering myself on this sub like some shamanic therapeutic trip as if the world is a whole new adventure. Its beautiful. So many new inspirations and ideas which already is enough reason to run this sub.

[Kol]

I feel like my skills are there and shimmering through, knowing exactly what will work and not and am really getting to the gist of being social and see potential. Something yet confuses me and am not sure what it is. Also, AM seem to touch on my confidence, pulling me up, above and beyond. My conscious expanding like some stretching up of my awareness in boundless fashion. There is so much potential, mission stuff, life becoming more and more diverse and yet, something seems to keep me in lock down. I do notice a trend of feeling on top of the world frequently this stage, yet it is in the evening. I notice some slight sadness coming up when touching at certain issues coming around. Perhaps some battle is going on between my former self still who clings to things. One part wants to be this uber social butterfly while some other part cant be bothered at all and is straight up aiming for the goal. Having re_occuring memories of couple of years back. If I can get in allignment I will be a monster.

I simply want comfort and acceptance of everything of myself wherever I go. Experience is still needed. Texting can be improved even tho there is improvement exceeding my first run.

Did watch the movie wild at heart by David Lynch and I liked it. The atmosphere and all of it did it for me.

Again directed in new directions and pushed. Back again with LOA. Lots been cleared up. Its clicking.

Edit1: pursuing shift kicks in now. Awesome.

[Kol]

Some fears surface right now about everything basically. still painfull to touch upon but turning uncertainty into drive is massive. Also, the whole seks shaming is something thats a thing te last few days, now, wanting women for their bodies is fine, connecting them to seks is fine, there is no such thing as being oversexed ( a term coined around in this country, its bs really ) why not viewing women as sexual creatures for what they are, seeing the architecture and art of them and what not. not putting them on a pedestal, yet rather appreciating without hiding and shaming oneself for being a sexual man. Also, flipping the script in all of this, it doesnt cancel it all out, instead I'm growing into some sort of person to which people qualify themselves, like some showhost jury kind of something.

[Kol]

Lots of healing taking place under the hood including coming to the root of all addiction I still have. Also more past healing and situations I experienced back them. The possibility of reliving it is absolutely there.

Felt really good at the gym, total IDGAF attitude, doing my thing, feeling good and what not. Took over in some conversations with people aswell there. Followed up at the gasstation and some woman walked in. Talked with the check out woman and she was somewhat cold. Total non affection of that shit. Didnt phase me at all. The woman in line behind me stood very close. Felt her presence and I was non reactive in a way. No triggers, no bodily response, no effect on my composure. Was dressed well.

Had some realisation aswell yesterday around my eye contact. Im still masculine alpha and trusting in the auto pilot is something that works wonders for me. It also steers me to a direction of which kind of women I enjoy instead of questioning myself and reviewing. The sub knows, trusting in my subconscious and the auto pilot.

Im all about cultivating masculinity now.

Been wondering about manifestations, allignment with the program and full bloom of it. My trust has grown massively, also around LOA. Like some massive fears have been cleared. Also recognize some blockages and limitations in terms of allowing oppurtunity which is fine. Boundary setting and self defining.

My interests are wide and complex which at times put me on some crossroads of overwhelm. When resistance hits it all seems absent and nothing interests me.

Edit1: Some of my social ways seem and seemed to be driven by neediness, approval seeking and validation seeking/impressing which now dimish more and more. Its a "meh" kind of attitude displaying which aswell seem to reduce me socially a bit aswell as this drive is dissolving. It does feel pointless even at times making me way to passive. Not sure if there is avoidance going on aswell which seems the case. Have a somewhat hard time aswell revolving my mission. For some reason I keep having the wage thoughts more presently and persistently throwing me in some limbo as I aswell have a strong inclination in running business. Its as if it kerps me haunting. I miss my passion and yet I move towards the illusion of the wage safety. Opportunities are abundantly. I feel in love with my passion so to say. Its livid, but having a 9-5 job really doesnt do much other then this pull like I have no clue what I want to gain from that.

Seems working out my mission is now my goal and even able to assist others in this, is a good thing, expansion.

Full on embracing masculinity going my own way.

[Kol]

I only care about my goals and WILL attain them, no matter the rules of society, pretty much free between the notes. had a dream about a car I wanted and know I will get it, the universe is smiling at me and giving all I want, I'm sure about that,
Back from a appointment, some women in higher function went all serving and qualifying, going far to please me. I simply dont care. also, life is fucking great, I love it, I have so many things going around that I will attain, its like something has unlocked, force of nature. Sex is present, its just there like a stealth magnet and people will gravitate to me, I dont have to do anything, I'm already sexually desirable in that way yet not going passive about it, simply acknowledging it and running autopilot. not escalating is awkward as fuck, or tleast, not getting physical/touching when the oppurtunity is present.

Im pretty much released from a leash, it does feel like that. Like one goal will be slaugheterd right after another. Some ceilings are being broken through and my mindset has been shifted. In which circles you move, those you are affected by it to some extent, its satisfying, perhaps the frustration is because of lower status and value circles. My whole presdence feels intense aswell. I simply cannot play with sociaties rules anymore in that regard and have a aversion to limits, which fuel and inspire me.

[Kol]

i'm starting to think there is a enormous well of trauma behind my shutted offness. Even acknowledging this brings me on the brink of wanting to cry. Its a mere glimpse but breaks through the mask. Honestly, its making me very tired and releasing it is the right thing, vulnerability seems to be a scary thing, its a huge web of all kind of patterns and coping mechanisms, an huge investment of years. Its hurts like a mofo and want to release this. it does make sense in the way that it was always there but not recognized.



Full on war going on, with several beliefs inside, like some strong conflict is being fought out. The rabbit hole of fear, pain, emotion and acknowledgment runs very deep. views of how I should live, adopted beliefs and behaviours. the video is spot on. tragic. Death. abdanonment, rejection, pain, mourning, belonging, outcast, nitty gritty shit. to be real to my feelings, I want to die, i feel im in a very negative place. behaviours, belonging, wantiong to be loved, feeling unloved. seeking validation and this might actually trace back to boundary setting and wanting acceptance.

[Kol]

straight up in the feels. there is so much conflict going on, so many beliefs, views and what not triggered by this, so much awareness about it all, that it'll destroys my old self completely. its close to all my beta-ness, all my inner pent up trauma and hurt and stuff and I'll own it. How I'll carried this aorund, how this realisation hits, is beyond me. Its almost straight up one on one brought cinematic.

All I wrote in this journal is old, game and the such, all beyond me, all irrelevant, it feels so far away, so old and strange to me, like watching my life while died and confused, unknown where I am. I understand starting all anew, as a new person, fully cutting ties with what I once was. dark night of the #rule4. The cry out, the expression ( which is very much blocked, making sense in going more easy about it, almost like a guidance of letting it flow/release) it puts it all in words exactly. being on the verge of death, putting my emotions in a cinematic expression, tragedy. I dont know myself anymore. I feel very harsh on myself aswell, almost like slipping into some victimhood. So much of my actions and the source from which it comes is sheds light upon, and I cant go back. fully going to the deep end of this, is what Im about now. Im done with all the happy stickering, dysfunctional acting, holding up a mask, the fears, insecurities, doubts and second guessing, the self sabotaging. I want to be loved and it hurts me straight up in the core. Im shedding tears as Im writing this, floodgates opening and it still feels like impressing and wanting validation. Shutting down my emotions is not the way, like some off switch of my humanity, even if I have had feelings of wanting to go psychopath in this run multiple times. Im at my end and there is nothing to do about it,. only releasing.

[Illumi]

straight up in the feels. there is so much conflict going on, so many beliefs, views and what not triggered by this, so much awareness about it all, that it'll destroys my old self completely. its close to all my beta-ness, all my inner pent up trauma and hurt and stuff and I'll own it. How I'll carried this aorund, how this realisation hits, is beyond me. Its almost straight up one on one brought cinematic.

All I wrote in this journal is old, game and the such, all beyond me, all irrelevant, it feels so far away, so old and strange to me, like watching my life while died and confused, unknown where I am. I understand starting all anew, as a new person, fully cutting ties with what I once was. dark night of the #rule4. The cry out, the expression ( which is very much blocked, making sense in going more easy about it, almost like a guidance of letting it flow/release) it puts it all in words exactly. being on the verge of death, putting my emotions in a cinematic expression, tragedy. I dont know myself anymore. I feel very harsh on myself aswell, almost like slipping into some victimhood. So much of my actions and the source from which it comes is sheds light upon, and I cant go back. fully going to the deep end of this, is what Im about now. Im done with all the happy stickering, dysfunctional acting, holding up a mask, the fears, insecurities, doubts and second guessing, the self sabotaging. I want to be loved and it hurts me straight up in the core. Im shedding tears as Im writing this, floodgates opening and it still feels like impressing and wanting validation. Shutting down my emotions is not the way, like some off switch of my humanity, even if I have had feelings of wanting to go psychopath in this run multiple times. Im at my end and there is nothing to do about it,. only releasing.

I relate to this on a very deep level. Exellent post!!

Im curious about your answor. What was it? In the midst of my own hell i made a vow that i will grow so strong so much that nobody will stand in my way. That id create a kingdom just to show my old weaker self that the hell he went through was not for nothing.

To always move forward holding my head high with a smirk of a devil just like Damon Salvotore. That was the light that always shined even in the darkest days. No matter how lonly it felt and how painful it was i knew that one day i will become this person. A king.

That was my answor... what is yours?

[Kol]

Can't answer it now only I'll embrace it all. Its a war still going. I let the sub carry me. Manipulation and being manipulated is highlighted as an obstscle and source. I will no longer tolerate it. Ill become my own man. Im a warrior emerging from this. The total vow of liberation. The weird part is, I see right into klaus. The hurt, pain, sorrow, acting. Pure in a way. Its like klaus is still a kid. To much immersion and hell. In a way I feel sorry for any and everything but especially for myself. Ouch.

I cant tell what will go on. Only I see myself annonymous and real. Before I saw klaus as alpha, but klaus is who I am as a sum of beta. I get the story fully. Just a few days might be needed for this all.

Im a slate. My personal dark episode of all realisations.

[blackwing Z]

Dark night of the soul eh?

Yea. All the pain wasnt for nothing.

[Kol]

yeah, followed up by a purging. I totally break down now, I keep bursting into tears and yet a part still holds back slightly. Just reading a few words makes me break down over again.