07-17-2014, 11:58 AM
Day 176 - 187
I absolutely don't know where I'm at. I know AM has done it's thing. I am an alpha. But I now also understand there is a lot more to just being an alpha. It's the first step. But today I am completely confused about my life. Where do I want to go ? What do I want to do ? Who do I want to be ? No answers to those questions. The answers were always obvious to me before. Today they are not anymore. I now see my life, beautifully crafted life, crash down. Not in a bad way because everything outside myself is going well. But inside I feel like a storm erased all my drives and motivations. I don't know what I want to do. Where I want to go with my life. Lots of questions without any answer. I want to cry sometimes. Because my life no longer is what it used to be. This is like a new begining. But a harsh beginning. AM gave me the good foundations to start well. But I will have to reconstruct everything internally.
A big question for me is: What do I want to do with my emotional life ? Do I want a commited relationship ? Or just sex ? Or both ?
What's driving me ? Why do I feel so bad when I see gay men of my age have a lot of gay friends ? Because I don't have any gay friend ?
Why am I feeling so bad thinking that some gay men I know are having or had sex with other gay men I know ? Why do I feel bad when they go out with each other ?
Tomorrow, I have decided I will go out to a gay bar. First time of my life. But I want a social gay life. Not just an average social life. So I'll take action, even if it scares me.
I hope EPRHA will help me deal with all of that, put myself back on the rails and stop my questioning. Because now, I need to choose and design my life how I want it to be. And to do that, I need to know what I want first.
-Adri
I absolutely don't know where I'm at. I know AM has done it's thing. I am an alpha. But I now also understand there is a lot more to just being an alpha. It's the first step. But today I am completely confused about my life. Where do I want to go ? What do I want to do ? Who do I want to be ? No answers to those questions. The answers were always obvious to me before. Today they are not anymore. I now see my life, beautifully crafted life, crash down. Not in a bad way because everything outside myself is going well. But inside I feel like a storm erased all my drives and motivations. I don't know what I want to do. Where I want to go with my life. Lots of questions without any answer. I want to cry sometimes. Because my life no longer is what it used to be. This is like a new begining. But a harsh beginning. AM gave me the good foundations to start well. But I will have to reconstruct everything internally.
A big question for me is: What do I want to do with my emotional life ? Do I want a commited relationship ? Or just sex ? Or both ?
What's driving me ? Why do I feel so bad when I see gay men of my age have a lot of gay friends ? Because I don't have any gay friend ?
Why am I feeling so bad thinking that some gay men I know are having or had sex with other gay men I know ? Why do I feel bad when they go out with each other ?
Tomorrow, I have decided I will go out to a gay bar. First time of my life. But I want a social gay life. Not just an average social life. So I'll take action, even if it scares me.
I hope EPRHA will help me deal with all of that, put myself back on the rails and stop my questioning. Because now, I need to choose and design my life how I want it to be. And to do that, I need to know what I want first.
-Adri
