AM 5.0 for Gay Men - Adri's Journal

[Adri]

Hmm, well I'm not "gay", but I definitely know the feeling when you are angry at other people being happy but you're not. I used to have that all the time. It actually took me by surprise just now, I guess I mostly got over it, probably during AM 5 some time. Cool stuff. Anyhow, I'd say some issues are:

- How can you be happy in yourself/in your own company?
- Why do you NEED a "partner"?
- Do you feel LESS than other people, at all?

Ponder those for a bit.

How can you be happy in yourself/in your own company?

You know, I thought I was before I went out with my ex. But apparently, my problems were just buried. I was "happy" with myself by doing things that would fulfill me, etc. but now that I look back, those things were just external ways for me to feel good about myself. I think I could be happy in myself by resolving my complexes and just understanding that I don't need others to feel good. But, while I understand the concept, I can't feel good about myself without external things.

Why do you NEED a "partner"?

Because I need someone to love me in order for me to love me. An issue for me years before was that I had no friends at all and I was very sad, I had a lot of problems with myself, suicidal thoughts. But I improved my social skills and the friends I made (especially the ones I made last year and this year) gave me the validation and "love" I "needed", but I was still wanting to go out with someone. I had a lot of requests by other guys just for having sex but I denied all of them because I wanted to feel love with the person I would have sex with. At the moment, having sex with someone I just happen to find attractive but without any emotional connection is impossible. So I need a partner to replace the love I don't have in myself.

Do you feel LESS than other people, at all?

In fact I do feel I'm better than other people, like they are inferior to me. But I know it's just a coping mechanism because I am jealous of their life and internally feel less than them.

Thanks for helping out Sarge Those issues have not been resolved during AM5 for me, I feel like I don't need the validation of others to do my thing, etc. but I do still need external love apparently + I have other issues like feeling inferior to other people.