A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)

[Benjamin]

2 days in of B.

Yesterday at the gym felt good.

Today went down the street and I can't say I was aware of being anxious, but it was kind of a blocked, low confidence feeling. It's a familiar feeling from the past, but I don't think i've felt it for quite a long time.

Signed up for okcupid and will sign up for pof again. I was waiting around another 10 days of not being with girls but I kind of had enough of it. I can't say whether i'm in a better place for it, but I do feel a bit more relaxed about it than before.

Okcupid is a little retarded in some ways, it makes you answer 10 questions of 'compatability' that don't matter, and then zero matches, but if I search not logged in there is people on there but they seem to filter it out. So I can just search in another browser and copy past the profile link and message them anyway. Then every fucking time you send a message some annoying popup comes up "Please be respectful in your messages blah blah blah.." I wouldn't be surprised if it only come up for guys knowing the way dating sites are run, especially pof with their retarded age restrictions. On POF i'm still going to be 27 so I can message any girls I want.

And fucking POF is retarded since I deleted a past profile from my computer I can't sign up it says username taken, then on my phone it signs up instantly.. I get sick of their stupid shit.

[Benjamin]

Version B weirdness is back. Last time I felt really awkward and weird. This time I don't as much but there is something weird again.

Went out to a restaurant with a couple of friends and talked to the waitress a few times and she was just weird. Said something when she come to the table and she just took it badly, everything I said just seemed 'wrong'. Whereas times i've been feeling good and not projecting some weird vibe like I feel happens a bit on B whatever I say is fine.

Plus more than that when i'm feeling weird like this it makes me come up with the wrong things, but when i'm in flow I come up with the right things.

Tonight everything just seemed wrong. I was a little uptight for a while and relaxed in the end. Then weirdly not long before leaving I relaxed a bit and just asked her how her night had been and got a smile from her, like I was just being normal instead of trying to say something 'funny' or whatever got a better reaction.

The first day after starting listening at the gym felt awesome, but now the weirdness is coming in again, not the same awkward feeling of last time on B but something is definately 'off'.

Most of the time on B last time I was actually getting bad and weird reactions from girls where on A most of the time positive responses. And on A i'd feel better but B just makes me feel awkward, weird and 'off'.

Enough that i've briefly considered stopping DMSI now instead of in another month which is the date I had the long term plan to do DMSI until. I'll give it a little longer but if this weirdness persists I don't know how long i'll be able to.

Going from A where i'd mostly feel relaxed and most girls i'd talk to respond well to B and suddenly becoming a social retard.. err.. it's not fun.

[RTBoss]

Be patient with B. For me, it takes a few weeks to normalize, and even then - I'm just now experiencing obvious attraction regularly, everywhere I go, over a month on it. And this isn't my first time, this is the 4th or so...

I think Strangelove said he noticed the most benefit after 3 weeks, or so?

[Have at ye]

I had a little bit of that when switching to ver. B lately, too. In my case it usually manifests as not feeling like talking at all. It passed after several days.

[Benjamin]

Be patient with B. For me, it takes a few weeks to normalize, and even then - I'm just now experiencing obvious attraction regularly, everywhere I go, over a month on it. And this isn't my first time, this is the 4th or so...

I think Strangelove said he noticed the most benefit after 3 weeks, or so?

Thanks, knowing that will help me persist. It's weird because the first time I used it for like a week good things we're happening.

Hmm don't remember what he said, I will have to have a look.

I had a little bit of that when switching to ver. B lately, too. In my case it usually manifests as not feeling like talking at all. Big Grin It passed after several days.

Cool, for me I was struggling at the thought of going out because I didn't feel like I would be able to engage socially. But I wasn't too bad, was quiet at first but relaxed after a while.

[Benjamin]

Felt a little better today on B. Talked to a girl in the gym I usually talk to and I felt a little awkward but she was laughing tons saying how funny I am.

When I was stretching before my workout this old lady was next to me and kept staring and smiling at me, I said hi but she had headphones on and didn't answer but kept giving me these massive smiles. Turns out she was there with her husband haha. I was a bit like "wtf".

Near the end of the workout when I was stretching a girl on the treadmill was staring, I was like "what is she looking at me like that for" as no smile or anything. Then a few minutes later she got off the treadmill and I reflexively went over to talk to her and she was smiling a fair bit so I guess she was looking at me.

It was a little awkward cos this new sexy asian girl was there who has walked past several times and smiled at me. I went to talk to her but felt a little awkward since I was waiting a while and built it up in my head. I had in my mind I was gonna ask her to go for coffee but the awkward thing.. the other girl I always talk to who i've been for coffee with it looks like they are friends. I asked her what she's doing and she said "having coffee with (girl I always talk to)."

I was basically thinking "dammit this is awkward" and didn't do anything after that.

Here's an interesting thing though that hasn't come up until now. Once a week I trim my beard down and tonight after I did it I just felt like something was wrong, mainly on my neckline it felt totally wrong and way too long though it's a similar length it's always been. I did some research and they suggest shaving it a little above the adams apple.

I decided not to quite go that far but I shaved it a little at a time, my skin is sensitive so went all red and some was bleeding so I stopped after a bit and i'll see how it looks tomorrow when my neck isn't red but it already feels way better. Since that's never come up before I have a feeling I can attribute that to something on B helping me to realize how I can look better. It was definately going too far down my neck, though from losing so much weight I have a bit of skin around my neck that is annoying so I don't want to trim it there too much.

[Benjamin]

Today was unusual. An alternative store was having a thing to celebrate how long they have been open so I went along. I was feeling strangely anxious and like I wouldn't have anything to say to anyone when I went but I still felt the urge to go.

Got a coffee and just allowed myself to feel it, interestingly despite that when I got there I kind of just naturally talked to a few people. One girl I knew, another that I didn't. I didn't stay for that long as there wasn't as much going on as i'd hoped. It was interesting how though I felt anxious I kind of naturally talked to a few people when I got there, i'd say it has something to do with B.

Now i've been frustrated there's nothing else to do and sitting at home I have this strange anxiousness in my body and just wanting to get out somewhere, i've messaged a few girls on POF and I felt the feelings were around that, but I think it's actually wanting to go out and do something more but unfortunately there's not alot especially on a cold day like this.

As much as we can say "You create the reality, not the environment" the environment constricts me quite a bit in times like these.

[Benjamin]

I don't know if it's related but had some crazy physical stuff come up not long after doing some healing on emotions today.

My face and hands went numb, blurry vision, felt so out of it and disconnected from everything. I was still able to talk and stuff and even went down the street but in the end I just had to go home. I did qigong and the numbness has passed but for hours now i've had soreness in my right temple and now i'm feeling sick.

I don't know if it was something being triggered, but the timing was strange. Also during it I was thinking about when I got knocked out and the feeling was similar to having concussion and thinking of that come up.

I wasn't totally dehabilitated, I had the brief thought of a stroke but I was still functional as in able to walk and talk and such. I searched before and it turns out most of the symptoms also could be a migraine.

Also today a big feeling of just wanting to give up, there's no point even fucking trying with girls because all that ever happens is it leads to pain and rejection. And similar things that were pretty intense.

I wonder if it was all a reaction to those things, if so it would be the worst emotional reaction i've had. The last few days doing the healing i'm doing daily hasn't been as intense, today all that comes up then the physical things happen.

More just waiting until the end date of DMSI, because honestly it doesn't work to achieve the goals. Other things i've done in this area in the past have had much more results in a shorter amount of time.

6 months on 3.1. Several other months on 3.0.1. Feel like i've wasted my time.

PSTEC and visualization brought results in getting laid several times, WM at one point had alot of girls after me, though most lived too far away. AM I was with a few, stage 2 seemed to be the best for that for some reason. E2 was the best in that I was with 3 different girls during it who were significantly younger than me. And another one was kind of after me and I ended up sleeping with her on DMSI 3.0.1 which even seemed better for actual results.

One girl I started seeing on E2 I still was on 3.0.1 and it was when I went to 3.1 mainly, especially B that the whole thing blew up and she went weird on me and I have no idea why.

Todays thought is there's no point continuing with B for another 3 weeks. It 'feels' like something might happen maybe.. but that's the same feelings and thoughts i've had the whole time like "I might be close to a breakthrough, especially if feelings are intense like this" yet in the end it really amounts to nothing. And it's not like i'm a virgin who's never been with girls or never been able to meet girls, i've been with quite a few. It seems with 3.1 my ability to do so has actually got worse.

Curious about 3.2 but it won't be out for quite a while with what's going on unfortunately.

[Benjamin]

Now the pain in my temple and sick feeilng has mostly passed i'm feeling quite tired and also a chi/burning feeling around my eyes similar to when having excess coffee.

[Benjamin]

Frustrating.. after that reaction today and being tired after it I went to bed alot earlier to let myself get more rest and cant sleep. Like now im not even tired. :z

[RTBoss]

I've been keeping an offline notepad on my phone with my personal take on DMSI and ideas about how it should change for 3.2. I don't want to put it in my journal until Shannon is officially working on it (I know he doesn't like that). Of course, he'll be free to completely ignore all of it if he likes - or let me know if his models don't support it - but I feel like 3.2 needs to go in a completely different direction. I think coming up with a program with high contrast to the prior version will help separate out what "works" (as Sarge would put it) and what doesn't work. It would also maybe give us an idea how certain people react better to different strategies, etc.

[SargeMaximus]

I like that idea RT. I've suggested the same, though I know it can be tricky for Shannon as i imagine the time commitment is getting bigger with each release.

[RTBoss]

I like that idea RT. I've suggested the same, though I know it can be tricky for Shannon as i imagine the time commitment is getting bigger with each release.

I think, ultimately, it's a strategy that will save him time.

[SargeMaximus]

I like that idea RT. I've suggested the same, though I know it can be tricky for Shannon as i imagine the time commitment is getting bigger with each release.

I think, ultimately, it's a strategy that will save him time.

True enough.