A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)

[Benjamin]

Thanks guys I will reply in more detail when I get home tomorrow.. im on my phone in my hotel and long posts for some reason the post button disappears.

Also thankyou for the pms.. ill also reply tomorrow as the same happens when I try to reply.

I met her today, her partner and my brother and sister. Went awesomely. Ill expand when im at my pc tomorrow night.

[Benjamin]

At 48 y/o, my Mom and I had a DNA test done to find out about our health. 6 months later the company informed me they found my biological father. His wife contacted me, told me she had 5 children with him and insisted that I stay out of their lives!!

I had no interest in meeting them in person, to begin with, so no biggie. I got his medical information as my Doctor advised me and have not heard from them since.

Had they wanted to meet, I would have been open to inviting them to my home or fly out to their home 5 hours away.
I wish you well, I hope you meet your biological mum in person!!

Wow.. that is a harsh thing to have dealt with. Hope you managed to make peace with it.

Wow. I don't know what to say about all that Ben but it sounds like it went really well!

I'm trying to reconnect with my own family (the same family I've had my whole life, but just drifted apart) so this is inspiring to me.

Thanks man. I undestand that definately, the cool thing is that this opened thing up with my adoptive parents too. Usually i'd avoid telling them much, would want to be left alone, not really share openly. Well with starting to open up i've also noticed I want to share with them again, I rang them up last night after meeting everyone to share it with them too.

Man, great that it went so well. Hope meeting her will be also great.

Thanks man, it was.. i'm pretty tired so I may post it in the next few days if I don't tonight.

Much respect.

Heh, the DMSI ver. A healing doesn't mess around, does it now? Big Grin I don't write as detailed a journal as you do, but I've been dealing with issues of similar weight and import for me, personally, lately, and have been driven to resolve some even heavier stuff circa 2 months back.

Thanks, glad you're getting something from it too.

For this healing.. though it took some time to get to this point i'm grateful for DMSI. It's certainly gone in a direction I didn't expect.

[Benjamin]

Ok, I started writing. But i'm feeling a little overwhelmed though in a good way, I need to process some of this and sleep.

I'll just say for now that it went awesome and thank you guys for the support and glad you guys can connect with some of the things i've been talking about.

[Raikahoken]

Congratulations Ben! That's a beautiful thing. Take your time to process it all mate.

[Benjamin]

I'm struggling a little with staying 'open'. I feel like after such openness and expression that something is coming up to stifle that again, some remains but I don't know and it's confusing.

And i'm also noticing i'm shutting down a bit, because though it's understandable after a lifetime.. my mum is being really needy like messaged me most of the next day after we met, then called me that night (yesterday). I told her that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed but to not take it the wrong way that i'm still grateful.

Then today a missed call and a message. And I replied to her message and she's like "you've been on my mind all day, i'm trying not to be annoying but my heart is bursting with love for you, I don't want to be full on but I may send you a kiss and hug most days just because I love you" and a few more full on things. Combined with everything else i'm saying here I don't think i've ever had anyone in my life ever say anything like that to me before.

It's just like with girls i've dated, if they gave me more space i'd be happy to.. but stuff like this happens and I feel totally smothered and i'm feeling it's making me want to shut down.

I need to explore whatever it is that makes it very difficult for me to tell her it's a bit much.. and try to deal with it earlier. With girls i've dated that start messaging me every day.. i'd put up with it for a while even though I don't like it, but i'd fear if I said anything i'd lose them (past experiences with crazies) then eventually I just get sick of it and am like "fuck" and find a way to sabotage it.

But in this situation it's even harder. Like how do you tell your mum who you've only just met after 33 years not to message or call you basically.. not that I don't want her to ever, but women in general seem to take it that way for some reason.

So I felt amazing for a few days, like this process had maybe healed some of the emptiness.. now a whole new intensity is coming up and I don't know how to deal with it right now. It's not exactly a common situation where I can just find someone who's gone through it and ask them.

Unfortunately my old default pattern to this kind of thing is to shut down.

I'm going to goto bed, sit with these feelings a bit and see what comes to find when i'm feeling clearer and have had more sleep.

[Benjamin]

I explored those feelings last night, and ended up sleeping 13 hours which I needed.

While exploring it I realized that it is actually LESS loving to both me and her to not set that boundary. Because for example not doing that in the past has lead to things just self destructing because I wasn't able to set it and realized that I needed to.

Felt clearer today, I hesitated for a few hours but sent her a message basically saying "I can understand that, it's just that every day can be a bit much. Sometimes when I don't feel like I have the space I can shut down. Of course I want to still talk to you but I want to be open about these things".

Amount of times i've sent anyone a message in this way, of both expressing that but also understanding and reassuring them. I'd say after today.. about once.

So that's cool to be able to do that. Now I just have to explore the fear of getting a bad reaction doing something like this, because I sent it, felt good about it but this fear is coming up about the reply back possibly abusing me. Not likely, but you know.. fear isn't logical.

The other thing at the moment... the best way I can explain it is that i'm a little confused.

I've had this whole thing overshadowing me my whole life. Now i'm feeling different but i'm confused. The healing is still happening and not all the way there obviously.. but it's like having made this big progress to dealing with those wounded feelings and taking the step I did it's kind of like "fuck.. I don't have to worry about this all the time now, it was something that would take up my thoughts and my time so much.. and now what do I even do with myself?".

I also am seeing the last few days my desire to do the 'work' that i've been doing on Inner Bonding and such is lessening more again.

And the other thing is that when that feeling of being smothered was coming up and I was feeling how I was last night.. my thoughts briefly turned to "run away from my mum" and "go and be with some girls".

So residual parts are still there. But when it come up it was just passing, it wasn't sitting there obsessing like I used to.

In the end we all naturally want to connect with others and at some point it is that natural desire and that's fine. It's just sorting between when my desire is that natural desire vs still possibly some of my old coping mechanism.

[Benjamin]

After posting that I realized that it's a good idea to start exploring what I want to do from here. Like what do I want to do and the direction I want to go in. I started 'future authoring' which I read about a while ago, but I found it hard to focus for long so i'll do it over a few days.

I'm still finding myself incredibly tired, with no energy, fatigued.. for no apparent reason. My eyes have felt like they have been burning, like excess chi if anyone knows that feeling for hours. Some of that could also be residual from things being released and things i've worked on the last few days too.

I'm also seeing a tendency to just want to sleep more, or not get up in the morning.. kind of related to the whole 'what the fuck do I do now' thing. And i'm noticing i'm more hungry the last few days.

There's a feeling that I can grow from this point more effectively.. but also not really any drive to do so.

Which leads me to wonder.. how much of my drive to do certain things was related to wanting attention from girls, wanting to be with girls and such.. also combined with the pain of deep abandonment, rejection, etc that I was holding onto? How much of this pain seemed to give me something to run away from by doing all kinds of things that now it's lessened alot it feels like there's just no point to most things.

2 things that I was obsessing with so much, in my awareness mainly girls and sex and barely being able to focus on much else.. but below that I guess the abandonment I wasn't always aware of or thinking of.. now significantly weaker which leads to a strange feeling of loss. Alot of sadness earlier which in the end I explored it and it seemed to be grief.

One disturbing thing is that thinking about girls, it's not only not really caring, but today thoughts of not even wanting to bother with girls like it's too much effort or something and that it just doesn't matter, combine that with my sex drive being seemingly non existent is making me wonder what's going on.

Alot of this could also be what I realized a while ago, when it comes to releasing certain things you've been holding onto that it can feel really weird and 'wrong' when it's suddenly not there anymore or something has shifted.

Seriously my feeling right now is that I could goto bed now and just sleep all night and all day tomorrow. I really don't know what's going on, but I hope it passes soon so I can get clarity.

[RTBoss]

You've just been though a massive life change, having contacted your mother. You'd be surprised how much an event like that can exhaust the mind. There's a scale for life events, and the amount of stress they cause. Even positive life events like marriage, buying a house, and having a baby affect a person - as much as a death in the family, divorce, etc. Meeting your birth family and everything that comes with that is hhhhyyyyyooooooge.

[Have at ye]

[...] My eyes have felt like they have been burning, like excess chi if anyone knows that feeling for hours. Some of that could also be residual from things being released and things i've worked on the last few days too.[...]

[...]Alot of this could also be what I realized a while ago, when it comes to releasing certain things you've been holding onto that it can feel really weird and 'wrong' when it's suddenly not there anymore or something has shifted.[...]

I get the same sensation of tiredness behind the eyes every now and again, too.

The other thing - I have experienced the same. It is like a sense of loss - even when the thing being "lost" is something completely unnecessary and it's better to be rid of it. I think that it is an ego thing - something that has always been used by you to define "you" (even if but subconsciously - and in a negative, unproductive way) is now gone/being removed and thus may result in something resembling grief (like RTBoss pointed out); one hell of a huge change is taking place, and now "you" is in a state of flux. That is why change can, by its very nature, be scary, I guess.

I'm pretty sure it will sort itself out in time Keep rocking.

[Benjamin]

You've just been though a massive life change, having contacted your mother. You'd be surprised how much an event like that can exhaust the mind. There's a scale for life events, and the amount of stress they cause. Even positive life events like marriage, buying a house, and having a baby affect a person - as much as a death in the family, divorce, etc. Meeting your birth family and everything that comes with that is hhhhyyyyyooooooge.

Thanks man, I didn't even consider that. In my mind it's like "but it's positive, why am I so drained". It also might make sense that for that whole day, though i'm usually quiet in groups I talked almost non stop for like 5 hours. So much opening up more than i'm used to, would make sense that drained me too.

I get the same sensation of tiredness behind the eyes every now and again, too.

Interesting, it's also similar to the feeling of if i've had too much coffee. Sometimes when i've released something the feelings comes up to.

The other thing - I have experienced the same. It is like a sense of loss - even when the thing being "lost" is something completely unnecessary and it's better to be rid of it. I think that it is an ego thing - something that has always been used by you to define "you" (even if but subconsciously - and in a negative, unproductive way) is now gone/being removed and thus may result in something resembling grief (like RTBoss pointed out); one hell of a huge change is taking place, and now "you" is in a state of flux. That is why change can, by its very nature, be scary, I guess.

Oh yes.. definately. That makes alot of sense.

Even if something is negative like the abandonment and rejection. I've been so used to it that it feels wrong without it. Well I wouldn't say it's completely gone, but i've made massive progress.

Seems I was onto something when I explored the sadness yesterday then thought "actually, maybe this is some kind of grief".

[Benjamin]

Had the intuition to test the amount of loops with sway testing again last night.

Now 6 loops a night.

This is interesting, but it seems that the more i've healing stuff the more the amount of loops is going up.

I increased it to 6 last night and today I feel way better than yesterday. I'm not bursting with energy or anything but I don't have the big fatigued feelings and sadness I had yesterday.

Tuesday 15/8/17 - Increased DMSI 3.1A to 6 loops as per sway test.

[mat422]

Hey Ben, just wanted to stop by and say your journal is really inspiring. It's been giving me the strength to dig deeper into my own issues and practice being more emotionally honest with myself.

[Benjamin]

Thanks man, glad you're getting something from it. It's definately a big period of growth for me.

[Benjamin]

Seems like 6 loops is shifting something. I mentioned that I had little desire for girls or anything, well last night I had like 3 or 4 sex type dreams.. I kind of had a wet dream but it wasn't 'wet'.. i've noticed that a few times during DMSI.

And today I have some desire again. I'm not sure whether to follow it or not yet as I feel like I need more time to integrate things and keep working on the remaining abandonment type feelings.

Then I had the thought of "Am I possibly causing myself other issues by when these desires are coming up by saying no basically and kind of judging myself for it".

I did notice on the weekend when I went to the zoo atleast I was just enjoying the attraction and enjoying looking at them with less need to get anything. Though all this week i've barely been anywhere, and where I did go monday there was mainly guys.

I'm still working on the abandonment, rejection and such.. which definately isn't the same intensity.

The other thing I was thinking about when I woke up, that without girls or abandonment or whatever to think about.. is that why i've been obsessing about some other things a bit much? Like "oh shit i've gotta have something to worry about if that's gone".

And also exploring a new part.. that I can't feel that much or really find much intensity, but I know it's there. And that's basically feeling bad for being a man due to all the bs in society, ubringing, media and whatever. I assume part of that is also connected to the abandonment issues which might be why I can't find alot of it, though I did find some. Or that it's not yet coming up.

The thought along with that is being unsure how not knowing who my dad is and him not being there when I was born and such has had an effect.

So something is telling me to explore that more.

Actually, interesting.. I just did some exploration on it and now i'm feeling a slight feeling of emptiness around my solar plexus, so it's like it brought something up that I wasn't aware of.