A Journey To Wholeness (DMSI 3.1)

[Benjamin]

Felt better after extra sleep and better in general waking up. Though a few hours later I feel tired. Initially for a while I felt really good, calm feeling.. but then coming across other peoples bs seems to quickly drain that, which is one of my challenges it seems, taking on their bs too easily.

One thing that is weird that i've noticed is maybe the last week or so, i'm thinking and not sure when it started. But the urge to have a girlfriend is coming up, it was extra strong this morning. And thinking of the girl i've been seeing in that way for some reason. It wasn't feeling like an attempt to 'run away'.. but now a few hours later I feel weird and confused about it.

It's kind of thoughts like "I could have a girlfriend for a while and just work on other things like money and such and myself and not have to worry about the stress and annoyance of always chasing girls". Because working on the Ultra Success part and money if I got to the point that i'd like would help with the goal of DMSI. Not sure if it's just convienient logic. This morning it made so much sense to me for some reason.

After 1 night of A I feel a little less strange, and I feel a little of the pressure has relaxed.

Had a couple of dreams around old friends which continually have come up during E2 and DMSI. One was the 'alpha' of the friendship group I moved on from during AM6.. him and a guy I was friends with as a teenager in taekwondo, the taekwondo guy was driving crazily and I was in the back scared, then I just sat there and closed my eyes and was like "i'll just go with this" and felt way more relaxed in the dream.

Woke up a little annoyed at the friendship group thing which has come up alot of times, I thought I was over it. But interestingly also had thoughts of how they were not beneficial to me. And when I see one of them at the gym I talk to him but I don't identify with him that much now, and one of the guys I still talked to after it but only see occasionally the times i've gone to his place over the last year or so I just haven't enjoyed it, felt like I don't really connect with him anymore and found that it would temporarily bring back certain ways i'd talk or act that I don't like.. and he would go from what he used to know me as and bring up things that i've worked to get away from.

Switching to A all of a sudden the desire to do the dialoguing has dropped quite a bit. But i'll still be working on it since I feel it's helping.

[Benjamin]

Felt way better and more 'normal' back on A. Most of the time on B I just felt awkward and socially retarded.

Interestingly it seems the 'Inner Bonding' type stuff i've been doing is similar to E2.. I can't pinpoint when the feeling of wanting a girlfriend again come up, but I had that feeling more on E2.. plus a few other things like when I woke up today thinking about stuff like drawing which I started to do again on E2 but during DMSI lost interest in it again and couldn't be bothered.

Also on DMSI i've lost some interest in going out and doing stuff with girls, or atleast not got as much enjoyment from it as on E2. So it's like it was connecting me more with myself, the 'become a person that makes you happy' programming seems to apply. I'm pretty sure I was happier who I was being while on E2 and getting more joy from things.

The 'girlfriend' thing also is interesting. I had the thought today that some of my wanting to fuck more and more girls is connected to my abandonment and wanting to feel 'whole' from doing so and feel better about myself. And Inner Bonding works on that and it's lessening my interest in doing so. I don't really want to be just with 1 girl, but if I can reach a place where i'm feeling 'whole' in myself and not 'reaching out' in a needy way and instead am connecting with girls I enjoy instead of just "please make me feel better" then that's going to be alot better for both sides.

So it is interesting the Inner Bonding stuff is mimicking E2 in some ways. I guess without being aware at the time E2 was working on my Inner Child and now Inner Bonding is continuing that though i'm not fully doing it as specified, just my own take on what I read.

I don't really know where it's going to lead me, or if it's conflicting with DMSI... but initial thoughts is it's beneficial. And sway testing told me that it's beneficial for me with DMSI without derailing it. Even if it might a little so far i'm liking the dialoguing.

[Benjamin]

Todays dialoguing was confusing and I got emotional after it.

First it come up "I don't want to do DMSI anymore, it's scary, it's pushing me too hard, I just want to shut down and hide again".

I asked what it was making that part of me want to hide and the answer was interesting.

"Well it's pushing me to love myself, have self validaiton, to realize that i'm worth something and I don't know how to fully do or feel that as i've never really before."

And realizing that stopping and hiding isn't the solution I asked what it needs.

"I mainly need your love and understanding to be patient and keep communicating with me. I need time. I'm scared but willing top open up a bit."

And "Be patient and not beat me up if it doesn't happen instantly. I have this urge to change programs but that's because it's working finally and this dialoguing is helping too. I need atleast another 3 months on A and for you to be patient and gentle with me in the process".

And that "Healing the abandonment and those issues is the priority, commit to A and dialoguing every day for atleast 3 months. And also on some other areas in my life that i've been needing to deal with but at the moment girls/sex are a side goal."

"But that if there is the opportunity then I can take it, but you can just learn to enjoy them without having to 'fill yourself up' and use girls/sex to hope you'll finally feel good, instead being comfortable with myself and my sexual desires but also feeling good about myself either way".

After it I got emotional, first neediness come up and some obsession about girls again that I wasn't feeling so much on B. Then sadness, I sat there and let myself be with it, then I decided to go sit with my dog and made a tea, but when I went and sat down again I wasn't feeling it anymore so I didn't get to sit longer with it.

The sadness felt a bit like a 'grieving' at letting go of this need to fill myself up with girls approval/sex to feel good about myself.

And I was feeling like something was a bit 'wrong' after it and getting a bit angry that the 'part' of me wanted that and judging it. But I tried to just stay with those feelings too.

But it's interesting that the main reason at the moment I want to run away from DMSI is that "It's pushing me to love myself, validate myself, feel good about myself and that's scary."

[Darkness]

This post is making me feel like getting back into it

[Benjamin]

This post is making me feel like getting back into it.

Interesting, glad you're getting something from it. I can't say i'd have expected that.. as I know at the moment the majority will find my journal boring, not 'sexy' as i'm not talking about girls and sex. But that's fine, all my other journals were that haha. Seems you may have realized the same things yourself as I have.

If DMSI does help me to finally deal with this where I haven't been fully able to with all the other programs and work i've done that will be awesome.

So note to self - DMSI 3.1 Version A until atleast 4/10/17.

Or if 3.2 comes out of course i'll switch to Version A of that.

On a sidenote i've suddenly had the urge before to get back into John Cooper's material.. the first time I heard of Inner Bonding was from him and he talks about alot of this stuff. I don't think I was ready for it a few years ago when I first found it but I am now.

[Duke.Togo]

you're making huge strides in healing parts of your pain Ben. That's amazing and your recent post of inner dialogue really resonated with me.

I think any time you're letting a part of you go, that is a factor in your current identity, it's frightening as all hell. Especially because the unknown is the unknown, you really have nothing to validate your future self against.

Letting go of anything is painful.

I'm interested to read where this will take you in the future and how much it will change you.

Those wounds will heal for you soon Ben. New day, new dawn...

[Benjamin]

Thanks Duke.. yes it's weird and some of the feelings I don't like, but feeling that is part of it. Like i'm feeling 'weaker' since going back to A and doing the dialoguing.

I've been having random urges again after I lost interest on B to go on dating sites and talk to more girls again. For so long i'd wake up every day and look at the sites and several times a day. So for now i'm holding off on it when that urge comes up. The process of the dialoguing is coming up with "what do you need?" and taking the action it suggests, which is making the healing a priority.

Actually what I could say is at the moment i'm feeling pretty good within myself when i'm alone and such, but just 'weak' socially.

I've caught myself several times getting pissed off and frustrated at myself over 'not being attractive' or getting no attention then remembering to be gentle on myself instead. As part of it also is being okay whether girls are interested or not.

The idea is to deal with this and then I will be able to build up much more effectively after doing so.

[Benjamin]

I was reluctnant to dialogue today. But I did it, I realized today I feel like it has to be a long drawn out thing but today it was short and my Inner Child just wanted me to sit with the sad feelings and comfort him.

I've been feeling kind of 'weak' kind of like love feels weak and I don't like that feeling, I guess a vulnerable type feeling. But i've also been feeling some calmness.

It also reminds me of E2 like i've been put in that 'healing mode' more again and alot of the time i've felt like playing games and such. Which is strange because Inner Bonding is meant to help those old coping mechanisms drop away.

Though today at the end of the dialoguing where I haven't felt like doing much for days I feel like just going out somewhere. I've got to goto the post office to pick up protein powder, but I also just feel like going out in the world which I haven't much most of the week.

[Benjamin]

Going out today confirmed what I mentioned in a previous post 2 posts back.

I felt good.. walking around feeling calm and happy in myself. But when it come to reaching out socially and interacting, like a girl serving me when I got coffee, I felt weak and kind of weird.. and I could even hear it in my own voice.

It's like healing and working with the Inner Child stuff is at the moment 'sensetizing' me.. because there was this sexy girl in a dress walking down the street that I was checking out. She stopped in front of me at the traffic lights where I was crossing... and I started to actually get nervous which is unusual since I don't usually feel that anymore. And I didn't end up saying anything though I wanted to.

Though it could just be bringing that up, because alot of the time when it's not naturally flowing it feels more like a 'blocked' or 'numb' feeling and I just don't talk to them, maybe this was what is below that and I didn't want to feel it so pushed it down and reconnecting with parts of myself it's now in my awareness again.

The other thing similar to that. On B with 5 loops I felt kind of numb and akward but not really emotional, just bleak kind of. On A with 3 loops i'm feeling emotional like sadness and such coming up. It's like doing less has given it room to come up or something.

[Benjamin]

Sexual performance is a bit better on A and it feels there is noticably less pressure to perform than on B but it's still not ideal, especially recovery time. It's still frustrating me though and doesn't seem to be passing. I am thinking of doing Male Sexual Qigong 5 days a week instead of just 3 to help with this more, because doing it has atleast helped with this issue a bit.

Another thing that I am confused about. And it's related to Inner Bonding and reconnecting with myself and not looking for it on the outside.

So I noticed today thinking of seeing the girl i've been seeing for the last few months that I wasn't as desperate for sex.. it wasn't like "Oh I really just have to have sex with her" and it felt weird like "what is going on, this is unusual". More like "Yeah I could have sex, but whatever".

Then after the gym we had a shower at my place and had sex, and it seemed to flow more naturally and felt better. The first and second time it was fine then the weirdness I mentioned come in.

But the other point that is possibly happening. I felt a little less sex drive and didn't go as many times as usual.

And I had this thought "Was some of my sex drive connected to this feeling of having to have sex to feel good about myself?" and with that lessening it seemed less. The first time I went for it in the shower, but other than that it was her going for it more aggressively than usual. Especially later in the night before she left, and near the end I was sitting there and just wouldn't get hard which is annoying and part of the issue with DMSI 3.1.

But taking that annoyance out of account, possibly the shift of not looking for it to 'fill myself up/feel whole' as much and instead just enjoying it when it come up might have been making her go for it more aggressively tonight.

[Benjamin]

On A I get along way better with girls and also have less fear and talk to them much more naturally. The whole 2 weeks or so I was on B I just felt awkward and they pretty much run away.

The combination of Inner Bonding seems synergistic so far and making me more comfortable again and improving interactions, that may have something to do with connecting with myself more instead of 'looking outside' myself as much. One noticable thing today is talking to a girl at the gym who I talked to a few times but she reacted weird in the past, kind of shy and awkward, she's 17 but really come across as a kid in her manner. But the way she looks is the complete opposite of that.

I hesitated a little because of her reactions in the past but when I was thinking she just come right over near me to do an exercise coincidentally and I talked to her and she was relaxed, didn't give off that weird vibe and was friendly. I cut it a bit short because I had this slight bit of discomfort and when I did saying "Ok i'm done, have a good workout" she gave me a look like she was disappointed and surprised I was going right then.

Inner Bonding is subtle but it's helping. And the lower amount of loops on A seems to be helping too, doing 8 loops and just trying to smash myself with the change didn't seem to go as well as doing less.

The other thing happening is i'm starting to get this big urge for other Self Development again. I've been reading about methods that i'd looked at in the past that have been reported to be highly effective aswell as some other methods i'd used briefly that had good reports too.

And i'm getting this big urge to start some of them again, mainly for other goals, like money, business, success in general as DMSI isn't going to achieve that specifically though it is bringing me closer to things by getting me to focus on Inner Bonding on my abandonment.

But for now atleast I won't, current plan is to finish up the 3 months on Version A combined with Inner Bonding daily that I worked out through dialoguing internally and after that make a decision of what's next.

It does seem like though it's my subconscious through the US programming being like "Ok there's other areas to work on and these methods will help". But it's difficult to know the potential conflict. Inner Bonding i'm glad I started though, the sway test told me it would help me with DMSI and it is.

[Benjamin]

Something seemed to derail DMSI last night when I was looking up an energy healing method out of interest and someone posted their healing statement in their group and when I read it something seemed to happen. It doesn't make sense but it may be that I did the method once in the past when I listened to a teleseminar. I was pissed off because I had no intent to and wanted to just read testimonials.

Then today felt weird like times i'd done EFT with other programs a few years ago. Maybe it's just that something else come up with the healing, but it seems to coincidental I noticed it when I read that healing statement.

I also noticed a few other things. Recently i've felt more strong in myself which Inner Bonding is helping with, today I didn't so much and the girl i've been seeing sent a message "I have to work tomorrow and finish at 3pm but we could have dinner tomorrow night". We we're meeting at 12 at the gym. She hasn't done that before except once when she suddenly cancelled when I first started seeing her like "Oh i've got something else on" and I got in an argument with her as when I asked what happened she didn't reply and told her it pisses me off.

I guess it was about time for her to pull some shit again, the last one was the 'i'm not in the mood' thing which she's been fine since.

And even more I said "I'm not keen for dinner" and said I wanted to see spiderman as I was going to suggest it anyway and said to come over after she finishes work. She said ok, and now a few hours later sends "How about we do dinner and movies, we could meet at 5pm".

WTF.. the first thing could be either way and she could genuinely have to work though I was annoyed she just said it today. But this message now trying to meet later AGAIN... she's trying some bullshit.

I sent back "What's wrong with coming here after work as we organized? I'd rather eat here then goto the movie".

If she replies with more shit like "Ok i'll come over just before the movie" then i'll just cancel tomorrow alltogether as she's already fucking me around. I stayed calm with the work thing because I thought "Ok yeah that could be legit" but the follow up shows she's being a tard.

The interesting thing though is this.. I had the thought last night about how i've been feeling more 'whole' in myself recently and not looking 'outside' as much for girls attention, then I had the thought "Could I only be feeling that temporarily because i'm seeing her, and usually when I start seeing someone I feel that more?".

And today when she sent the first message I definately felt it trigger feelings of rejection and such. I worked on that today with Inner Bonding and felt a little better.

The other thing that is more a negative. When she was like "I'm not in the mood" for sex and I kicked her out, it worked out well. But for the whole week until I seen her in the gym and talked to her I thought i'd lost her and there was a huge emotional intensity, so much that my mind was telling me "I'll never do something like that again, it's too stressful and intense on me" and now i'm unable to get as angry at these things. I see that as a negative because it's that emotional intensity stopping me from even connecting with my anger at being fucked around as much.

EDIT: This may or may not be related, but the last time she pulled bullshit was when I spent a few hours with her another day through the week without having sex (we didn't goto my place) when she ended up going to the gym at the same time as me... as in we hadn't organized to meet, which I did this week too, and now more bs.

The last thing, not related to her. Today also when I went down the street I was way more checking out girls blatantly again where recently I haven't cared as much i've just been more internally focused, still looking at them but not like today.

[Benjamin]

So now she's like "I'd like to eat out and goto the movie".

She's never been this challenging, too coincidental that it comes up on my 'bad' day when something seems to be healing, some kind of challenge bringing more up to heal as i've felt that DMSI has done a few times.

I said "Why are you being so difficult today? First "I have to work" which is fine, but then "oh lets meet later again". It's a little strange".

I'm close to telling her she can go out and eat by herself and that i'll see her another day. What annoys me more too is it's her birthday lunch sunday and I even got her a book, honestly because I felt obligated to because "it's the thing you do" though she's not officially my gf.. and now this bs.

It's possible she won't even reply. Last time she pulled shit and I called her out on it I got no reply at all because she couldn't deal with me pulling her up on it. If she doesn't reply tonight then tomorrow i'll simply message her saying I can't make it or something and soft next.

Fuck, if she keeps it up and I have to soft next then it's gonna bring up a fair bit of guilt seeing I organized to goto her birthday lunch. As Blackdragon says "once it's in motion then it's in motion, even if you've organized to goto an event with her".

I'll quote this from one of his articles to remind myself...

Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. It doesn’t matter if it’s her birthday or Christmas or whatever the hell else going on, during the nexting period you don’t contact her or respond to her in any way, no exceptions!

If she doesn’t like that, that’s her problem. She shouldn’t have been a bitch in the first place. If she gives you even more drama later for not contacting her on her birthday, extend the time of the soft next, or soft next her again, or hard next her.

I think it's potentially heading towards that.

On a sidenote these things are why it would be ideal to have multiple girls. I can still pull it off with one because I would rather be alone than fucked around unlike some people but it weighs on me and stresses me out, it wouldn't so much if I could just be like "ok" and go fuck someone else. But temporarily for Inner Bonding i've stopped trying to meet other girls because until i've made good progress it potentially falls into the same pattern of "using them to fill this hole inside".

EDIT: So as predicted she didn't reply but has been online on facebook and also was online on the dating site I met her. So I sent "No reply means you're just fucking me around again. Don't worry about tomorrow... I might see you one day next week." Which hopefully also gets the point across I won't be at her birthday on sunday.

And seriously.. she now blocked me on facebook messenger. She's fucked and can't handle any kind of conflict so her response is to block me like she did last time. Weird though she didn't block my profile only blocked me on messenger.

So again it shows me don't fucking buy girls presents for their birthday unless they are a proper girlfriend because you're feeling 'obligated' and guilty if you don't for some dumb reason. Good thing is i'm not the kind of person to spend a huge amount of money on that.

I wonder if I can have fun with it and just give the books away to someone who would appreciate them... hmm.

It would be ideal to goto the gym tomorrow and talk to another girl and invite her to coffee or something similar, kind of just for "she hears about it so knows not to fuck me around" thing.. but honestly I don't think I can do so without being connected to the outcome and reaching out hoping a new girl will temporarily make me feel better.

[Benjamin]

Abandonment issues come in in force again, wanting girls and sex to feel better.. feeling like it will solve everything.

I didn't even want to leave the house but I decided it was better than sitting at home so went to another town. All of it come up even stronger, most of the time on DMSI until the last few months i've felt my confidence was higher consistently.. today felt reverted bad.

I was aware of it when it was happening and I went for a drive and did some Inner Bonding and felt a little better.

And I identified another distinction that is hard to deal with. It seems that the fact I was with a new girl was why I thought I was feeling better because now that's up in the air it's back in force. And some part of me is wanting to do this Inner Bonding and reconnecting with myself, healing abandonment and such as a way of getting more girls.

But that's kind of the big contradiction, getting to the point of legitimately doing it to feel whole and not just because I think i'll get girls is difficult. It DID seem to start off like that when I got frustrated enough to deal with it but maybe at the deeper level there was still some I wasn't aware of that's come up now.

Current feeling is completely getting rid of that girl I was seeing and not bothering messaging her after the soft next is up. Also annoying me is that she blocked my messages on facebook though I wasn't planning to message her for several days anyway.. and that if on the day I was planning to message her she still has it blocked i'll just extend it. Or just delete her and not bother.. I don't know.

So she blocked me on the dating site too again, I don't know why she just blocked messages on facebook instead of deleting me like she can pretend it's innocent. I've had enough of this shit, she acts up and I call her out on it and she can't deal with it and her first thing is blocking me. So I just deleted her now.

And i'm pissed at myself that I somehow temporarily fell in the "I wouldn't mind her as my girlfriend" thing. Current feeling is almost no girl deserves an actual relationship just past sex and hanging out and having fun together.