09-15-2017, 06:06 AM
I don't know what to say about the bloom. I mentioned it felt like the pressures off, but it seems like the way I was getting along with girls is quickly going downhill, plus insecurities are coming up more than in ages.
For a few days though after massive frustration one night I felt less needy and didn't care much. Asked a few girls out i've been talking to online but didn't go anywhere. There was one i'd been talking to that I met in a shoeshop, I decided I didn't really want to see her as she's fat and low quality. But she messaged me today as I said when I run into her last weekend I might go bowling. I thought 'oh fuck it" and suggested we meet sunday.
Now this is weird, as soon as I did that alot of deservingness i've been feeling in the last few days seemed to disappear, neediness for sex and such all come back. It's annoying because i'm like "can't I just fucking have some sex while i'm waiting for higher quality girls" seems not.. because it's like my mind goes "Oh you're just trying to be with her, a girl you don't really want just for sex, maybe you don't deserve the other ones you've been talking to."
Too coincidental timing how after I messaged her suggesting it how I started to feel like crap. And weirdly she didn't reply, but she usually replies in a day cos girls are weird. But I decided how I felt after sending it that i'll likely cancel on her if she says yes anyway.
And another woman messaged me first tonight on POF, and it was either the insecurities coming up after earlier, or DMSI wearing off only after 3 days.. but i've noticed alot of that already, or that i've been playing Divinity Original Sin 2 for hours. But I feel almost retarded in my answers and awkward talking, so much that I stopped even answering because I couldn't be bothered.
So in the apparent 'bloom' the little evidence I had of DMSI working is fading, the aura seems to be fading and such. There has been a few instances where with some girls it seemed to be fading then i'd come across a girl and something seemed to be there. Like when I come back into the gym after leaving my shirt, I talked to a girl sitting at the table and she was giggling in a weird way, then the girl who served me when I got coffee was asking me how often I goto the gym and such.
But mostly it seems like after only like 3 days most of it is fading.
The other weirdness from tonight could also be that when I was doing my mindfulness type healing work I come across something intense, a blockage that's come up in my body many times when staying with emotions and it come up pretty strongly today. So maybe that processing.
It's up and down so much. Earlier in the day felt pretty good, not needy, like one of these girls I would be with eventually. Then it all went downhilll and now needy, feeling like it won't happen with any of them and such.
So much for the healing and clearing I guess.
For a few days though after massive frustration one night I felt less needy and didn't care much. Asked a few girls out i've been talking to online but didn't go anywhere. There was one i'd been talking to that I met in a shoeshop, I decided I didn't really want to see her as she's fat and low quality. But she messaged me today as I said when I run into her last weekend I might go bowling. I thought 'oh fuck it" and suggested we meet sunday.
Now this is weird, as soon as I did that alot of deservingness i've been feeling in the last few days seemed to disappear, neediness for sex and such all come back. It's annoying because i'm like "can't I just fucking have some sex while i'm waiting for higher quality girls" seems not.. because it's like my mind goes "Oh you're just trying to be with her, a girl you don't really want just for sex, maybe you don't deserve the other ones you've been talking to."
Too coincidental timing how after I messaged her suggesting it how I started to feel like crap. And weirdly she didn't reply, but she usually replies in a day cos girls are weird. But I decided how I felt after sending it that i'll likely cancel on her if she says yes anyway.
And another woman messaged me first tonight on POF, and it was either the insecurities coming up after earlier, or DMSI wearing off only after 3 days.. but i've noticed alot of that already, or that i've been playing Divinity Original Sin 2 for hours. But I feel almost retarded in my answers and awkward talking, so much that I stopped even answering because I couldn't be bothered.
So in the apparent 'bloom' the little evidence I had of DMSI working is fading, the aura seems to be fading and such. There has been a few instances where with some girls it seemed to be fading then i'd come across a girl and something seemed to be there. Like when I come back into the gym after leaving my shirt, I talked to a girl sitting at the table and she was giggling in a weird way, then the girl who served me when I got coffee was asking me how often I goto the gym and such.
But mostly it seems like after only like 3 days most of it is fading.
The other weirdness from tonight could also be that when I was doing my mindfulness type healing work I come across something intense, a blockage that's come up in my body many times when staying with emotions and it come up pretty strongly today. So maybe that processing.
It's up and down so much. Earlier in the day felt pretty good, not needy, like one of these girls I would be with eventually. Then it all went downhilll and now needy, feeling like it won't happen with any of them and such.
So much for the healing and clearing I guess.
