It's interesting not being as obsessed with girls and focusing on other things how i've started to shift some other areas.
Been more social, catching up with some old friends and a new one who I went out to the pub with last weekend, and the first time I remember I actually enjoyed it without going there just for girls and time went pretty quick.
Also getting the urge to try some more things. I started kickboxing a few weeks ago, and where a few years ago any training was just for fighting I started it just for enjoyment, fun and personal challenge not to fight or even for self defense. And been enjoying it.
But.. this is weird. I thought they were the reasons. But yesterday while working on stuff from school with Inner Bonding I come across a memory that was way more intense and painful than I ever thought but I must have just been numbing it out all this time.
Basically I was friends with these 2 girls and a guy and would hang out with them. Another guy was there one day being a fucking idiot and I stood up to him, my so called 'friends' told me I have to leave and hide and didn't stand up for me and I think I didn't hang out with them after that. Well I went somewhere else and this guy come back with like 20+ people threatening me and I ended up apologizing even though I didn't want to. This guy by himself would have been able to do little, but how quickly he got that group. I knew it was a bad memory, but never connected with the massive intensity of it, fear, anger, feeling helpless like there was nothing I could do etc.. it was so intense I couldn't do the process i've been doing on things that has so far been effective, I went through it but it barely touched it.
So I decided to take it to PSTEC and I did a whole hour of PSTEC on it.. the whole time almost my body was shaking with tension, I was growling, screaming internally, breathing got deep like it would when you're seething with anger and fear. It's the most intense emotions that I remember coming up for a long time, and i've been doing this process of really connecting with my wounded emotions for nearly a few months now and found alot of intense things.
During it images of doing kickboxing and enjoying it come up and I kept trying to move on from that in fear it might clear the enjoyment of it. But the only thing that makes sense since it kept coming up is that the massive pain, helplessness and such from that memory (and other things in the past) are what originally lead me to martial arts, and interestingly I found the desire again after not having it for a few years.. and now dealing with that intense memory i've found that my desire to go back to kickboxing is very little.
That is frustrating because I was enjoying it, i'm most likely still going to go tomorrow night but where I was looking forward to it the last few weeks before the day it doesn't seem interesting.
WTF.. it's like realizing after meeting my mum when I was processing alot and feeling confused, not knowing what to do now that when I release certain things i've been holding onto all of my life I start to wonder how much of my life, goals and such were coming from that. And it may have been the same with this memory.
Either that or there's just alot of processing going on.
When I realized because of what i've been working on that I needed to start to explore what I want now i've been doing Future Authoring and it all points to my new priority being money.. mainly what that can bring, moving where I want to, more independence and such. And exploring several goals, I think 7 or so in the end, money, business, independence and such are above girls and sex now.
Yes I still want girls and sex, and i'm struggling some days to stay away from girls as the date i've set is a bit over 2 weeks when I decided i'd allow myself to be with them again. But it won't be the priority.
For that time I refocused on working on the core wounded emotions instead of the specific stuff around girls because the core wounded emotions are the deeper stuff. After that I will likely work on specifics but not as the priority. And likely will stop DMSI pretty soon for a money type program or just really focus on money beliefs and programming with other methods.
On the non healing stuff with DMSI, lately almost every night i've been having dreams about girls being after me, sex, woken up with hardons etc and more wet dreams than in a while.
But then throughout the day my sex drive seems non existent, sometimes it comes up but even seeing stuff where I should be excited it's like "what the hell".
And I may have mentioned, but I wonder if i'm fighting against DMSI unneccessarily with the decision of not being with girls and working on dealing with the emotions making me needy for something from them. As especially when I have more girls/sex dreams the next day I wake up with increased desire to be with girls, but at the moment i've taken that and looked at it as still having the need, when some of it could be the motivation programming from DMSI towards the goal and also natural desire.
Been more social, catching up with some old friends and a new one who I went out to the pub with last weekend, and the first time I remember I actually enjoyed it without going there just for girls and time went pretty quick.
Also getting the urge to try some more things. I started kickboxing a few weeks ago, and where a few years ago any training was just for fighting I started it just for enjoyment, fun and personal challenge not to fight or even for self defense. And been enjoying it.
But.. this is weird. I thought they were the reasons. But yesterday while working on stuff from school with Inner Bonding I come across a memory that was way more intense and painful than I ever thought but I must have just been numbing it out all this time.
Basically I was friends with these 2 girls and a guy and would hang out with them. Another guy was there one day being a fucking idiot and I stood up to him, my so called 'friends' told me I have to leave and hide and didn't stand up for me and I think I didn't hang out with them after that. Well I went somewhere else and this guy come back with like 20+ people threatening me and I ended up apologizing even though I didn't want to. This guy by himself would have been able to do little, but how quickly he got that group. I knew it was a bad memory, but never connected with the massive intensity of it, fear, anger, feeling helpless like there was nothing I could do etc.. it was so intense I couldn't do the process i've been doing on things that has so far been effective, I went through it but it barely touched it.
So I decided to take it to PSTEC and I did a whole hour of PSTEC on it.. the whole time almost my body was shaking with tension, I was growling, screaming internally, breathing got deep like it would when you're seething with anger and fear. It's the most intense emotions that I remember coming up for a long time, and i've been doing this process of really connecting with my wounded emotions for nearly a few months now and found alot of intense things.
During it images of doing kickboxing and enjoying it come up and I kept trying to move on from that in fear it might clear the enjoyment of it. But the only thing that makes sense since it kept coming up is that the massive pain, helplessness and such from that memory (and other things in the past) are what originally lead me to martial arts, and interestingly I found the desire again after not having it for a few years.. and now dealing with that intense memory i've found that my desire to go back to kickboxing is very little.
That is frustrating because I was enjoying it, i'm most likely still going to go tomorrow night but where I was looking forward to it the last few weeks before the day it doesn't seem interesting.
WTF.. it's like realizing after meeting my mum when I was processing alot and feeling confused, not knowing what to do now that when I release certain things i've been holding onto all of my life I start to wonder how much of my life, goals and such were coming from that. And it may have been the same with this memory.
Either that or there's just alot of processing going on.
When I realized because of what i've been working on that I needed to start to explore what I want now i've been doing Future Authoring and it all points to my new priority being money.. mainly what that can bring, moving where I want to, more independence and such. And exploring several goals, I think 7 or so in the end, money, business, independence and such are above girls and sex now.
Yes I still want girls and sex, and i'm struggling some days to stay away from girls as the date i've set is a bit over 2 weeks when I decided i'd allow myself to be with them again. But it won't be the priority.
For that time I refocused on working on the core wounded emotions instead of the specific stuff around girls because the core wounded emotions are the deeper stuff. After that I will likely work on specifics but not as the priority. And likely will stop DMSI pretty soon for a money type program or just really focus on money beliefs and programming with other methods.
On the non healing stuff with DMSI, lately almost every night i've been having dreams about girls being after me, sex, woken up with hardons etc and more wet dreams than in a while.
But then throughout the day my sex drive seems non existent, sometimes it comes up but even seeing stuff where I should be excited it's like "what the hell".
And I may have mentioned, but I wonder if i'm fighting against DMSI unneccessarily with the decision of not being with girls and working on dealing with the emotions making me needy for something from them. As especially when I have more girls/sex dreams the next day I wake up with increased desire to be with girls, but at the moment i've taken that and looked at it as still having the need, when some of it could be the motivation programming from DMSI towards the goal and also natural desire.
