Definately have a range of other things coming up.
Now it seems mainly around the focus of whatever emptiness and issues it's caused not knowing who my dad is, and in this case likely never finding out.
It's bringing up alot of the same emotions like rejection, being picked on and such but it's of a different quality, I can't really explain. I discovered another feeling connected it it all around being picked on, and that's the feeling of embarassment and fear of embarassment.
And doing a little work around that lead me to goto facebook and delete another 5 or so people.
Also my dream last night goes along with what is coming up today and what i'm exploring. I was out somewhere in my car, and 2 guys who were the people who picked on me and beat me up the most in school were there.
They just got in my car and I went to get them out, they were trying to intimidate me and stuff and the one who was the worst I just started laying into, while the other guy just stood and watched. I woke up while it was happening but I was kind of in a zone where I imagined the end of it was me choking him out.
Then today I noticed an anxiety coming up when thinking about going out that I haven't felt for a while, and I traced that to the embarassment around being picked on for every little thing especially if I did just a little thing wrong and how that is affecting me socially now.
I'm not exactly sure why it felt like i'd dealt with most of these feelings and now all the same feelings are back but now seem centered around my dad and are of a slightly different quality.
When I was dealing with stuff around my mum, even last week I really thought "I don't care about my dad, this is fine, it doesn't affect me". But turns out I was wrong and there is definately stuff around it that I wasn't aware of until now.
Working on this stuff around being a man, I am noticing i'm closing off a little again. I don't know if it's due to stuff coming up or that maybe in my mind I feel being open and expressive is feminine.. or what it is. And i'm also noticing slightly more aggressive thoughts where for the last few weeks i've really been in 'understanding' for most things, seeing where others are coming from and such. I assume it will balance itself out in the end, because I really like the expressiveness and openness, but I also want that to be coming from a place of strength.
Now it seems mainly around the focus of whatever emptiness and issues it's caused not knowing who my dad is, and in this case likely never finding out.
It's bringing up alot of the same emotions like rejection, being picked on and such but it's of a different quality, I can't really explain. I discovered another feeling connected it it all around being picked on, and that's the feeling of embarassment and fear of embarassment.
And doing a little work around that lead me to goto facebook and delete another 5 or so people.
Also my dream last night goes along with what is coming up today and what i'm exploring. I was out somewhere in my car, and 2 guys who were the people who picked on me and beat me up the most in school were there.
They just got in my car and I went to get them out, they were trying to intimidate me and stuff and the one who was the worst I just started laying into, while the other guy just stood and watched. I woke up while it was happening but I was kind of in a zone where I imagined the end of it was me choking him out.
Then today I noticed an anxiety coming up when thinking about going out that I haven't felt for a while, and I traced that to the embarassment around being picked on for every little thing especially if I did just a little thing wrong and how that is affecting me socially now.
I'm not exactly sure why it felt like i'd dealt with most of these feelings and now all the same feelings are back but now seem centered around my dad and are of a slightly different quality.
When I was dealing with stuff around my mum, even last week I really thought "I don't care about my dad, this is fine, it doesn't affect me". But turns out I was wrong and there is definately stuff around it that I wasn't aware of until now.
Working on this stuff around being a man, I am noticing i'm closing off a little again. I don't know if it's due to stuff coming up or that maybe in my mind I feel being open and expressive is feminine.. or what it is. And i'm also noticing slightly more aggressive thoughts where for the last few weeks i've really been in 'understanding' for most things, seeing where others are coming from and such. I assume it will balance itself out in the end, because I really like the expressiveness and openness, but I also want that to be coming from a place of strength.
