After posting that I realized that it's a good idea to start exploring what I want to do from here. Like what do I want to do and the direction I want to go in. I started 'future authoring' which I read about a while ago, but I found it hard to focus for long so i'll do it over a few days.
I'm still finding myself incredibly tired, with no energy, fatigued.. for no apparent reason. My eyes have felt like they have been burning, like excess chi if anyone knows that feeling for hours. Some of that could also be residual from things being released and things i've worked on the last few days too.
I'm also seeing a tendency to just want to sleep more, or not get up in the morning.. kind of related to the whole 'what the fuck do I do now' thing. And i'm noticing i'm more hungry the last few days.
There's a feeling that I can grow from this point more effectively.. but also not really any drive to do so.
Which leads me to wonder.. how much of my drive to do certain things was related to wanting attention from girls, wanting to be with girls and such.. also combined with the pain of deep abandonment, rejection, etc that I was holding onto? How much of this pain seemed to give me something to run away from by doing all kinds of things that now it's lessened alot it feels like there's just no point to most things.
2 things that I was obsessing with so much, in my awareness mainly girls and sex and barely being able to focus on much else.. but below that I guess the abandonment I wasn't always aware of or thinking of.. now significantly weaker which leads to a strange feeling of loss. Alot of sadness earlier which in the end I explored it and it seemed to be grief.
One disturbing thing is that thinking about girls, it's not only not really caring, but today thoughts of not even wanting to bother with girls like it's too much effort or something and that it just doesn't matter, combine that with my sex drive being seemingly non existent is making me wonder what's going on.
Alot of this could also be what I realized a while ago, when it comes to releasing certain things you've been holding onto that it can feel really weird and 'wrong' when it's suddenly not there anymore or something has shifted.
Seriously my feeling right now is that I could goto bed now and just sleep all night and all day tomorrow. I really don't know what's going on, but I hope it passes soon so I can get clarity.
I'm still finding myself incredibly tired, with no energy, fatigued.. for no apparent reason. My eyes have felt like they have been burning, like excess chi if anyone knows that feeling for hours. Some of that could also be residual from things being released and things i've worked on the last few days too.
I'm also seeing a tendency to just want to sleep more, or not get up in the morning.. kind of related to the whole 'what the fuck do I do now' thing. And i'm noticing i'm more hungry the last few days.
There's a feeling that I can grow from this point more effectively.. but also not really any drive to do so.
Which leads me to wonder.. how much of my drive to do certain things was related to wanting attention from girls, wanting to be with girls and such.. also combined with the pain of deep abandonment, rejection, etc that I was holding onto? How much of this pain seemed to give me something to run away from by doing all kinds of things that now it's lessened alot it feels like there's just no point to most things.
2 things that I was obsessing with so much, in my awareness mainly girls and sex and barely being able to focus on much else.. but below that I guess the abandonment I wasn't always aware of or thinking of.. now significantly weaker which leads to a strange feeling of loss. Alot of sadness earlier which in the end I explored it and it seemed to be grief.
One disturbing thing is that thinking about girls, it's not only not really caring, but today thoughts of not even wanting to bother with girls like it's too much effort or something and that it just doesn't matter, combine that with my sex drive being seemingly non existent is making me wonder what's going on.
Alot of this could also be what I realized a while ago, when it comes to releasing certain things you've been holding onto that it can feel really weird and 'wrong' when it's suddenly not there anymore or something has shifted.
Seriously my feeling right now is that I could goto bed now and just sleep all night and all day tomorrow. I really don't know what's going on, but I hope it passes soon so I can get clarity.
