Alot of emotions coming up today... but not 'resistance' or anything.
More purging, shifting, letting out alot of pain that I kind of thought I didn't even have. It's a little difficult to write because of the meaning of it to me.
I've started to feel like i'm making progress around my abandonment, then yesterday I think or the day before it come back up in force. One of the things i'm doing is reparenting type meditations for about a month or so.
I've been doing it imagining my biological mum.. but when i've been doing it i've known it's her i'm imagining but it hasn't been that clear. Well today when she come into it I seen her clearly, I haven't met her but seen photos from years ago and today that come into focus.
I've had thoughts of meeting her since I was 18 (can't until 18) but just emotionally I couldn't do it. I told myself I didn't want to, even during this process for the last month or so i've still told myself "Ok i'm feeling better, but I don't want to meet her".
And it seems that was still anger, hate, whatever towards her for giving me up that I wasn't aware of. It was just a blocked kind of feeling along with "I don't want to, I don't care".
Well during this meditation today, something shifted and all of a sudden I felt like "I want to meet her". And got emotional.
And I got up and went to find all the old letters from her, the last one was when I was around 21. And I read them, and I never connected with it at the time obviously.. but for the first time ever, I realized how much pain she was in, how she said most of the things I was thinking, that it's her fault, that she gave me up because back then it was seen as bad to be unmarried and having a kid and that she couldn't look after me, so because she loved me she felt this was the best chance for me and that it was the saddest time of her life.
I read all that back then obviously and I didn't believe it.. in my mind it was all bullshit, like she was making it up to pacify me. But that was my pain talking, today I connected with it and for the first time ever realized she's in just as much pain and regret that I didn't write back in the end because I just couldn't handle it.
So me and crying.. just doesn't really happen. Even recently my cousin died of cancer and I didn't cry, I just couldn't. Same when my grandma died and I went to her funeral. It's not that I wasn't sad or that I didn't care about them, I just couldn't and it was more a numb feeling.
Well reading through these letters today I did.. it come up in waves, especially reading the parts I mentioned and letters from my brother along with it and for the first time actually feeling how they really DO want to connect with me.. where before I felt like "Oh she's just saying it" and seeing her as someone in pain too, not just this woman that i'm angry at and hate.
The next step is calling the number, I was wanting to tonight but didn't.. honestly physically it's just picking up the phone, but it's gonna be a challenge. Because this is something i've been dealing with all my life and the pain from it.
Then later on today I had a ton more sadness come up and did a process on that, it got pretty intense then after it I felt incredibly sleepy, almost fell asleep at the computer at like 7pm. Now my heads hurting a bit, but I just know it's from processing.
So usually with all that stuff coming up i'd be frustrated like "fuck this, all this stuff is coming up". But with learning to be okay with feeling these things recently.. and the content of what come up, today was a good day. It is more a gift. I'm actually grateful for this.
More purging, shifting, letting out alot of pain that I kind of thought I didn't even have. It's a little difficult to write because of the meaning of it to me.
I've started to feel like i'm making progress around my abandonment, then yesterday I think or the day before it come back up in force. One of the things i'm doing is reparenting type meditations for about a month or so.
I've been doing it imagining my biological mum.. but when i've been doing it i've known it's her i'm imagining but it hasn't been that clear. Well today when she come into it I seen her clearly, I haven't met her but seen photos from years ago and today that come into focus.
I've had thoughts of meeting her since I was 18 (can't until 18) but just emotionally I couldn't do it. I told myself I didn't want to, even during this process for the last month or so i've still told myself "Ok i'm feeling better, but I don't want to meet her".
And it seems that was still anger, hate, whatever towards her for giving me up that I wasn't aware of. It was just a blocked kind of feeling along with "I don't want to, I don't care".
Well during this meditation today, something shifted and all of a sudden I felt like "I want to meet her". And got emotional.
And I got up and went to find all the old letters from her, the last one was when I was around 21. And I read them, and I never connected with it at the time obviously.. but for the first time ever, I realized how much pain she was in, how she said most of the things I was thinking, that it's her fault, that she gave me up because back then it was seen as bad to be unmarried and having a kid and that she couldn't look after me, so because she loved me she felt this was the best chance for me and that it was the saddest time of her life.
I read all that back then obviously and I didn't believe it.. in my mind it was all bullshit, like she was making it up to pacify me. But that was my pain talking, today I connected with it and for the first time ever realized she's in just as much pain and regret that I didn't write back in the end because I just couldn't handle it.
So me and crying.. just doesn't really happen. Even recently my cousin died of cancer and I didn't cry, I just couldn't. Same when my grandma died and I went to her funeral. It's not that I wasn't sad or that I didn't care about them, I just couldn't and it was more a numb feeling.
Well reading through these letters today I did.. it come up in waves, especially reading the parts I mentioned and letters from my brother along with it and for the first time actually feeling how they really DO want to connect with me.. where before I felt like "Oh she's just saying it" and seeing her as someone in pain too, not just this woman that i'm angry at and hate.
The next step is calling the number, I was wanting to tonight but didn't.. honestly physically it's just picking up the phone, but it's gonna be a challenge. Because this is something i've been dealing with all my life and the pain from it.
Then later on today I had a ton more sadness come up and did a process on that, it got pretty intense then after it I felt incredibly sleepy, almost fell asleep at the computer at like 7pm. Now my heads hurting a bit, but I just know it's from processing.
So usually with all that stuff coming up i'd be frustrated like "fuck this, all this stuff is coming up". But with learning to be okay with feeling these things recently.. and the content of what come up, today was a good day. It is more a gift. I'm actually grateful for this.
