08-06-2017, 01:17 AM
I've been feeling a little strange today. Yesterday I did a deep process of integrating certain things around feelings of rejection and woke up feeling a little drained.
And I felt like the aura had gone a bit again, I was feeling kind of more neutral. Like I wasn't feeling powerful and magnetic or that the aura was there. I just felt calm.
Initially I couldn't be bothered talking to people at a market I went to, then I relaxed and started talking to the stall people, a few girls just calmly.. and one who I see at every market who I always avoided for some reason as I was intimidated and it just felt like there was a shield around her or something.. I walked past her today and she looked at me and I naturally went back a few minutes later and briefly talked to her. Nothing special, it didn't really feel 'on' or anything, but it was more like me just being 'normal' without that feeling of her being untochable as before.
Also though i'm working on being mindful of what is coming up during the day, aswell as when i'm around girls I was struggling to find much. With some girls I noticed a little constriction in a few places just subtly and I was allowing myself to feel that.
But I just kind of felt confused, not really knowing what was going on internally.
Initially I felt like I had derailed DMSI with this other thing I did, and I did some sway testing which suggested that I felt weird because I had released something, and as I realized a while ago sometimes when I release something I feel kind of 'wrong' because i'm so used to it being there.
Also the other thing is it may partly be to some 'bounceback' that happens sometimes even with past programs where i'll suddenly have this breakthrough and totally feel good enough or something then the next day it will 'bounceback' and new fear or such will come up and derail it.
I nearly forgot about this, but last night in bed I was thinking about this 19yo on POF who i'd talked to briefly a while ago but was incredibly boring. Well I see she changed her profile to "looking for friends with benefits" which got me interested again, so i'll likely talk to her when I decide to be with girls again.
Well I was laying there thinking about her and all of a sudden I felt a realization of "What does she really have to offer?".
I have things to offer like fun, knowing how to touch her, lots of good insight into the things i'm learning at the moment and such.. and what does she have to offer me? Basically just her pussy.
And I felt like "Yes, I do have alot to offer" in a moment of clarity.
Then today bounceback from that due to fear or something coming up.
And I felt like the aura had gone a bit again, I was feeling kind of more neutral. Like I wasn't feeling powerful and magnetic or that the aura was there. I just felt calm.
Initially I couldn't be bothered talking to people at a market I went to, then I relaxed and started talking to the stall people, a few girls just calmly.. and one who I see at every market who I always avoided for some reason as I was intimidated and it just felt like there was a shield around her or something.. I walked past her today and she looked at me and I naturally went back a few minutes later and briefly talked to her. Nothing special, it didn't really feel 'on' or anything, but it was more like me just being 'normal' without that feeling of her being untochable as before.
Also though i'm working on being mindful of what is coming up during the day, aswell as when i'm around girls I was struggling to find much. With some girls I noticed a little constriction in a few places just subtly and I was allowing myself to feel that.
But I just kind of felt confused, not really knowing what was going on internally.
Initially I felt like I had derailed DMSI with this other thing I did, and I did some sway testing which suggested that I felt weird because I had released something, and as I realized a while ago sometimes when I release something I feel kind of 'wrong' because i'm so used to it being there.
Also the other thing is it may partly be to some 'bounceback' that happens sometimes even with past programs where i'll suddenly have this breakthrough and totally feel good enough or something then the next day it will 'bounceback' and new fear or such will come up and derail it.
I nearly forgot about this, but last night in bed I was thinking about this 19yo on POF who i'd talked to briefly a while ago but was incredibly boring. Well I see she changed her profile to "looking for friends with benefits" which got me interested again, so i'll likely talk to her when I decide to be with girls again.
Well I was laying there thinking about her and all of a sudden I felt a realization of "What does she really have to offer?".
I have things to offer like fun, knowing how to touch her, lots of good insight into the things i'm learning at the moment and such.. and what does she have to offer me? Basically just her pussy.
And I felt like "Yes, I do have alot to offer" in a moment of clarity.
Then today bounceback from that due to fear or something coming up.
