When I went to bed last night a whole lot of forgiveness come up again and the process seemed to go for a while cycling through a whole lot of girls and forgiving them.
And then it seems a little bit of trauma may be left from when I was attacked several years ago as I heard something out the window and all this fear come up which is what used to happen after it but hasn't for years. I started to feel panic coming on but reassured myself it's nothing, it's just left over fear and that it's okay and it didn't stay for long after that.
One thing i'm unsure about at the moment is balancing 'being centered in myself and not looking outside to girls to make me happy' and 'appreciating them without trying to get anything.. as in checking them out and enjoying it without feeling like I need them to make me happy".
I recentered myself a few times at the gym and focused on my body. One thing that has seemed weird recently is that working on not getting the approval and such from them is that I am feeling a little less attraction to them in some cases and some days not even caring much about checking them out. And I was worried about it, I remember the same happening when I was doing EFT to let go of 'wanting' things from girls and went through a really weird stage and it felt 'wrong'.
Today I was checking them out again and it seemed a little more balanced.
There's this girl who is friends with the one I was seeing until a week or two ago, who I went to coffee with at the start of the year. I didn't talk to her much when I was with this girl as she seemed to be trying to sabotage it.
Well.. I think it now confirms it's because she liked me though she told the other girl "I don't like Ben, he's not my type, I don't like his car" haha.. yet flirts with me a fair bit and would always touch me, but stopped when I started dating the other girl. Now that i'm not she's more flirty again.
She took her shirt off and had these tight pants and a sports bra on and was asking me to take photos of her and posing. In some of the photos it showed me in the mirror and she said "Should I upload them so (the girl I was dating) will see them, she will be upset" and before that was like "we should take a selfie together and upload it for her" but then played it off like she was joking, but kind of seemed serious too.
Then she was getting me to take a photo of her back tattoo and I made a joke "I'm just taking a photo of your bum" and she cracked up and got all smiley.
Funny also is the other day when I talked to her she's like "(girl I was dating) when I messaged her asking how you were going asked me if I like you" then was like "no I have a man why was she asking that" but I could tell it was like she got caught out with it as she repeated it several times.
Then she lifted the back of her sports bra to show me the rest of her back tattoo.
I've been having thoughts of fucking her again. As in I haven't fucked her and I did have thoughts a while ago until I went on a date with her and found out her husband died and didn't want to take on that baggage.
But i'm having thoughts of it again for some reason. At this point I don't know if it's "I think it will make me feel better" or not, it seems less of that.
I also had the thought last night that if i'm judging my desires like that then it might add more guilt.. so at the moment it's finding the balance between learning to be connected in myself but still allowing those natural desires and when they come up not judging myself for them.
Because in my mind there's this weird image of someone who doesn't 'need' girls and is centered in themselves just won't ever bother to talk to them or anything and is this sexless type creature.
I don't know why, but it's possibly my mind playing tricks on me attempting to keep the abandonment and things i'm working on in tact..
It does seem like my mind is panicking and it's been throwing up some crazy shit that I can't seem to get out of my mind that I don't even want to mention here, but it's been disturbing me.
But I realized either last night or this morning it's possibly my mind throwing it up hoping to stop me working on this issue.
Because today I seen a small sneak peak of just flirting and enjoying yet not looking for the girl to make me happy as much. In the end I consciously decided to just go home and not try to follow it up.. to be able to have the interactions without being pissed off at myself for not doing something and such which never has helped in the past.
And atleast for a while not even try to take it anywhere and just learn to enjoy them with less 'trying to get something from them or have them make me happy'.
And then it seems a little bit of trauma may be left from when I was attacked several years ago as I heard something out the window and all this fear come up which is what used to happen after it but hasn't for years. I started to feel panic coming on but reassured myself it's nothing, it's just left over fear and that it's okay and it didn't stay for long after that.
One thing i'm unsure about at the moment is balancing 'being centered in myself and not looking outside to girls to make me happy' and 'appreciating them without trying to get anything.. as in checking them out and enjoying it without feeling like I need them to make me happy".
I recentered myself a few times at the gym and focused on my body. One thing that has seemed weird recently is that working on not getting the approval and such from them is that I am feeling a little less attraction to them in some cases and some days not even caring much about checking them out. And I was worried about it, I remember the same happening when I was doing EFT to let go of 'wanting' things from girls and went through a really weird stage and it felt 'wrong'.
Today I was checking them out again and it seemed a little more balanced.
There's this girl who is friends with the one I was seeing until a week or two ago, who I went to coffee with at the start of the year. I didn't talk to her much when I was with this girl as she seemed to be trying to sabotage it.
Well.. I think it now confirms it's because she liked me though she told the other girl "I don't like Ben, he's not my type, I don't like his car" haha.. yet flirts with me a fair bit and would always touch me, but stopped when I started dating the other girl. Now that i'm not she's more flirty again.
She took her shirt off and had these tight pants and a sports bra on and was asking me to take photos of her and posing. In some of the photos it showed me in the mirror and she said "Should I upload them so (the girl I was dating) will see them, she will be upset" and before that was like "we should take a selfie together and upload it for her" but then played it off like she was joking, but kind of seemed serious too.
Then she was getting me to take a photo of her back tattoo and I made a joke "I'm just taking a photo of your bum" and she cracked up and got all smiley.
Funny also is the other day when I talked to her she's like "(girl I was dating) when I messaged her asking how you were going asked me if I like you" then was like "no I have a man why was she asking that" but I could tell it was like she got caught out with it as she repeated it several times.
Then she lifted the back of her sports bra to show me the rest of her back tattoo.
I've been having thoughts of fucking her again. As in I haven't fucked her and I did have thoughts a while ago until I went on a date with her and found out her husband died and didn't want to take on that baggage.
But i'm having thoughts of it again for some reason. At this point I don't know if it's "I think it will make me feel better" or not, it seems less of that.
I also had the thought last night that if i'm judging my desires like that then it might add more guilt.. so at the moment it's finding the balance between learning to be connected in myself but still allowing those natural desires and when they come up not judging myself for them.
Because in my mind there's this weird image of someone who doesn't 'need' girls and is centered in themselves just won't ever bother to talk to them or anything and is this sexless type creature.
I don't know why, but it's possibly my mind playing tricks on me attempting to keep the abandonment and things i'm working on in tact..
It does seem like my mind is panicking and it's been throwing up some crazy shit that I can't seem to get out of my mind that I don't even want to mention here, but it's been disturbing me.
But I realized either last night or this morning it's possibly my mind throwing it up hoping to stop me working on this issue.
Because today I seen a small sneak peak of just flirting and enjoying yet not looking for the girl to make me happy as much. In the end I consciously decided to just go home and not try to follow it up.. to be able to have the interactions without being pissed off at myself for not doing something and such which never has helped in the past.
And atleast for a while not even try to take it anywhere and just learn to enjoy them with less 'trying to get something from them or have them make me happy'.
