Todays dialoguing was confusing and I got emotional after it.
First it come up "I don't want to do DMSI anymore, it's scary, it's pushing me too hard, I just want to shut down and hide again".
I asked what it was making that part of me want to hide and the answer was interesting.
"Well it's pushing me to love myself, have self validaiton, to realize that i'm worth something and I don't know how to fully do or feel that as i've never really before."
And realizing that stopping and hiding isn't the solution I asked what it needs.
"I mainly need your love and understanding to be patient and keep communicating with me. I need time. I'm scared but willing top open up a bit."
And "Be patient and not beat me up if it doesn't happen instantly. I have this urge to change programs but that's because it's working finally and this dialoguing is helping too. I need atleast another 3 months on A and for you to be patient and gentle with me in the process".
And that "Healing the abandonment and those issues is the priority, commit to A and dialoguing every day for atleast 3 months. And also on some other areas in my life that i've been needing to deal with but at the moment girls/sex are a side goal."
"But that if there is the opportunity then I can take it, but you can just learn to enjoy them without having to 'fill yourself up' and use girls/sex to hope you'll finally feel good, instead being comfortable with myself and my sexual desires but also feeling good about myself either way".
After it I got emotional, first neediness come up and some obsession about girls again that I wasn't feeling so much on B. Then sadness, I sat there and let myself be with it, then I decided to go sit with my dog and made a tea, but when I went and sat down again I wasn't feeling it anymore so I didn't get to sit longer with it.
The sadness felt a bit like a 'grieving' at letting go of this need to fill myself up with girls approval/sex to feel good about myself.
And I was feeling like something was a bit 'wrong' after it and getting a bit angry that the 'part' of me wanted that and judging it. But I tried to just stay with those feelings too.
But it's interesting that the main reason at the moment I want to run away from DMSI is that "It's pushing me to love myself, validate myself, feel good about myself and that's scary."
First it come up "I don't want to do DMSI anymore, it's scary, it's pushing me too hard, I just want to shut down and hide again".
I asked what it was making that part of me want to hide and the answer was interesting.
"Well it's pushing me to love myself, have self validaiton, to realize that i'm worth something and I don't know how to fully do or feel that as i've never really before."
And realizing that stopping and hiding isn't the solution I asked what it needs.
"I mainly need your love and understanding to be patient and keep communicating with me. I need time. I'm scared but willing top open up a bit."
And "Be patient and not beat me up if it doesn't happen instantly. I have this urge to change programs but that's because it's working finally and this dialoguing is helping too. I need atleast another 3 months on A and for you to be patient and gentle with me in the process".
And that "Healing the abandonment and those issues is the priority, commit to A and dialoguing every day for atleast 3 months. And also on some other areas in my life that i've been needing to deal with but at the moment girls/sex are a side goal."
"But that if there is the opportunity then I can take it, but you can just learn to enjoy them without having to 'fill yourself up' and use girls/sex to hope you'll finally feel good, instead being comfortable with myself and my sexual desires but also feeling good about myself either way".
After it I got emotional, first neediness come up and some obsession about girls again that I wasn't feeling so much on B. Then sadness, I sat there and let myself be with it, then I decided to go sit with my dog and made a tea, but when I went and sat down again I wasn't feeling it anymore so I didn't get to sit longer with it.
The sadness felt a bit like a 'grieving' at letting go of this need to fill myself up with girls approval/sex to feel good about myself.
And I was feeling like something was a bit 'wrong' after it and getting a bit angry that the 'part' of me wanted that and judging it. But I tried to just stay with those feelings too.
But it's interesting that the main reason at the moment I want to run away from DMSI is that "It's pushing me to love myself, validate myself, feel good about myself and that's scary."
