A Better Alex, stage 1: EPRHA Journal

[apollolux]

I've updated the first post to add fear of not being manly enough to the list. This particularly is the main reason I've sought out confidence-boosting motivational audio, decided I would eventually run AM6, and also work out and take supplements.

For reference, I've attempted to boost my testosterone through supplements though I have no idea how successful they've actually been. A week or two before I left for Vermont I finished the 30-day GNC Mega Men Healthy Testosterone, a 30-day Image Sports Test/Hard Stack, 30 days of D-Aspartic Acid, and in Vermont started a second 30-day Test/Hard Stack, Vitamin D-3 (5000 IU/day), Zinc (100 mg/day), and still plenty of D-Aspartic Acid left in the canister. I tried mixing Maca Root powder into my protein coffee at the beginning and the Maca tastes terrible, so I didn't get that again.

While I see slightly improved results in my workouts (before I started half-assing them in Vermont due to low motivation) and a somewhat increased libido, I don't feel confident about positive results elsewhere.

[apollolux]

==30 days done==
I dread leaving Vermont. I finally realized that one of my biggest fears currently is that there's nothing and nobody for me in NYC and that there's nothing I can do to change that. I don't have a stable housing situation, I ended my friendship with the first real friend I've had in a long time because I'm in love with her and she claims to not feel the same, I don't have family or other friends I can rely on for support, I don't have any romantic or sexual companionship to love and relieve stress, and the only thing tying me to NYC is the fact that I must attend Hunter College and cannot transfer anywhere else due to a particular financial arrangement made on my behalf. I can't leave even if I wanted to since I chose to commit myself to getting my bachelor's in computer science.

I worked hard to get back into college and I'm saddened that it feels like a burden. I'm sad that I feel like a burden to other people and that the one friend feels I'm essentially a homeless charity case who hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 years (her number; actual number is 8 years). I'm reaching out for help but I'm not getting much of it for whatever reason, and that makes me feel like I'm not good enough for help.

When I return to NYC tomorrow I won't have a place to return to and will likely end up staying up all night at the Apple Store again. I can't take this much longer and I'm shocked I haven't flat out given up yet. I don't have the strength to go through this much longer.

I rarely remember dreams I've had during this EPRHA run, so when it happens I write it down. I dreamed last night I was robbing banks.

Today is day 31 and tomorrow is day 32. Unless something drastic happens in the next two days I'm moving on to ASC after day 32.

[apollolux]

==32 days done==
32 days are done and I feel absolutely terrible. I've had emotional breakdowns. I've ended a friendship with a manipulative girl who literally kept me alive and also gave me a reason to live and someone to care about. I've lost motivation to do any productive work for myself and my housing situation is now in jeopardy because of it. There are a couple more specific things, but they are essentially related to those listed.

I'm positive that, when it comes to pinpointing what needs healing, EPRHA did its job. I don't feel, however, that it pointed me towards solutions or the means to find or create solutions, whether it has that capability or not.

Because I need to regain my productivity NOW and to do that I need to regain internal motivation, I'm starting ASC tonight rather than two or four months from now. I feel that rebuilding my confidence after I've been so thoroughly stripped by the effects of EPRHA is what I need to do NOW.