(03-04-2019, 04:08 AM)Kol Wrote: Currently its like war inside. My mind is going all kind of directions. Yesterday there was a party, and one element involves dress up. Good times for peacocking.
Anyways, im feeling almost castrated. Dont get me wrong, im working on and incorporating habits, shifting and changing leaps. Yet, yesterday, while not all was bad, and I had some good times, I was affected by some of my friends states. Reactionairy while it doesnt phase me before, yet mixed with social freedom, owning the place through body language.
Anyways, those close to me ( or we're not sure yet ) we're increasingly gaslighthing me and amogging has increased. Its 2 weeks now, now that im in open target modus. Shots are fired and I feel just straight up depressed, powerless (!) Agression seems to be supressed for whatever reason, like a sexless beta male niceguy.
Its a really mixed bag, and tbh, im scared.my subc is scared like a little kid. Im gaining more discipline, still having the occasional mindfog, an social, funny, witty and open, yet with them...idk. idk why im so empathized and invested in this group, when its obviously its hindring my success as they show undesirable elements and incel crap.
I just want this attachment to be over with. Its not healthy and i feel my mind is getting real hard blows and spins me into a state of freeze and almost punched into submissiveness due to powerlessness and confusion.
My speaking is also real messed up. Sentences come out but these sentences are all butchered up.
Today however, I went over a hump so to say, my focus in the right places, discipline up, urges arent important, like my inner state has taken over management of it. Its vital. Life is great. Going to hit the gym hard and optimalize my physique aswell as my mind. No time for stopping, just go.
One of my greatest insights during my time of healing have been that I went from place where I tried to convince other people of how to think and behave, to learning to keep my own values and standards to myself, not investing in trying to change other people. I may recognize what you are saying about the "gaslightning" thing from when I tried to convince people on how they should act, and that triggered some deep resistance in them and they tried to defend themselves by this behavior. It's actually just a counter-action coming from your own behavior, if you are trying to push people somewhere they will just push back. The only way to lead is by example so what I realized is that I need to internalize the things that I am striving for and embody them before being able to be a role-model for others. Before that I'm just a talker who want his ideas to be validated by others, rather than is walking his own path in internalizing them.
Anyway, things have become much less confrontative and I am at much more peace by keeping my standars to myself and letting other people do what they want to do. I also have become less judgmental towards other and myself and not judging myself so hard with so much negative self-talk. How we treat others, we also treat ourselves, so we better start working on both those things for both our own sake and others. Compassion is a much stronger motivator to become stronger and more at peace, rather than bullying yourself by saying down-putting things. That's just something I believe have lived on from old ways of motivating people, and is not really the best way to go if you want to make yourself better.
And good job with the PMO. I'm on day 67 and I can tell you that it becomes easier, just hold on and don't let your mind and past behaviors trick yourself back to a habit you are not benefiting from.
