Came up with a more Notebookish post, so I'll post it here instead of my new AOSI journal.
Seems if I don't listen as much, I have more time or mental resources to think. Got a good glimpse into what I consider is my #1 problem. I have many angles of thought on it, and they're sort of being coalesced into one. In short, it has to with memories and fears of being very separate from others in a social group; of feeling like an outsider who's not good enough to join the fun and play, laugh and connect with the others.
I was an only child and my father was very closed off emotionally. He spoke very little, and when he did he always seemed angry about having to do it and tried to use as few words as possible. I do understand him somewhat now, though. He had good intentions, but its this.. unfortunately familiar feeling that I guess has something to do with protecting himself. Can't quite decipher it, but I have the attitude towards my mum in some situations. Learned it 1:1 then I guess. Anyway, so there's this other group of children, sort of family, who are my peers in a way (about the same age). But, they are a group of *redacted*, all of them tightly knit with each other and with much more social parents and much more energy to them, it seems. So what usually happened was that they'd play with each other, and I was welcomed and I tried, but I always felt like an outsider on some level and wished I could be more like them. But couldn't, so I felt bad about being the way I was.
At this point I should say that what's really amazed me on some level is that I've had a lot of improvement in how I see myself in relation to these other 'kids' (not kids anymore). I've come from always being the quiet one sitting back and letting everyone else talk, feeling self-conscious and tired, to actually being to center of all conversation for 1-2 hours in groups of, say, 4 people from my extended family. There's still one of us who's extremely loud and gets all attention no matter where he is, so when he's around I still tend to start feeling a little unable to participate and thus self conscious. But its gotten a lot better.
Back to the issue, because of some random events I actually got picked on a lot at school, so I definitely felt like I had to try to stand my ground and be strong against everyone, and still try to do my best in hobbies and such. I've still always thought of myself as kinda strong, confident and even funny deep down, but I've always worried about not having enough energy. So, I knew if I had enough energy I could be 'on', and I'd do just fine. But if I felt I didn't have that energy, then I couldn't apply the force that I needed to be confident, and then I thought there's no choice but to again become this withdrawn, isolated thing that was not part of any group - or that no group would accept as one of their own. So I WANTED to be social, but I NEEDED a lot of energy to be 'on', and if I didn't have it I'd just want to get out of the situation as fast as possible. So of course if I knew, for example, that I was to go out tonight, I'd spend the whole day stressing over if I have enough energy of not in the evening, and of course that worrying always made sure I was out of energy in the evening. So its not surprising that going out was always very inconsistent for me; sometimes it was just awesome and I could talk to anybody, sometimes it was horrible. Every time the thought of going out was stressful. Still is.
I do also think this has implications to why I haven't really been able to relax into any of my relationships. Though I do make connections, and if I can get to sex then the women will almost always want a relationship with me. I'm still in good terms of some of my exes because they're great people - I actually can't even get to sex with 'trashy' or 'bitchy' women, because I don't know how to connect with them enough to do that. But then with the women I keep dating, it tends to get deeper and then I tend to get restless and put the brakes on ever so slightly, which predictably makes them chase it, and that's where I'm usually at at any relationship. Though I am 100x more open now than I used to be; E2 and OGSF 5G especially have been amazing in this regard.
AM6, so far, tends to make me more isolated, but that's never been my problem. I've always felt safe when I'm alone. ASC felt like it was really hitting something important. I think ASC gives me that energy that I'm always craving for (more animating energy in my body), and with that my problems are solved. With energy I feel confident, masculine, strong, driven, great. But ASC 5G did hit a lot of resistance, so I'm eagerly waiting for ASC 6G. In a way I think E2 is just what the doctor ordered.. it basically tries to relax me and get me to be fine with this not-pumped-up state and be fine with 'just' socializing with people 'normally', and like myself even in that situation and all that. But if you read this far, you can probably understand why I'd unconsciously do all I can to avoid that. I've even been doing that consciously for as long as I can remember - that's why I keep drinking coffee! (though not more than 1-2 cups a day anymore)
What else, this is a long post... Well yeah, in line with liking myself a lot when I DO have energy is why I love sex. Especially though sexual energy, because when I'm very turned on I feel very very strong. And if I'm with a girl and were flirting hard, I'll feel the energy, and thus very strong, and thus very good about myself. If its a ONS, or the 1st time, I remember its been all too clear some times when after sex the energy has faded, and then I'm only 1/100 as confident as was just before. And also the whole pick-up thing was suitable for me, since it was about puffing myself up for relatively short interaction where I could maintain this confidence and feel good about myself, but I could also get out before, or shortly after, it went on for too long and I'd start to want to isolate again. If I could get this thing handled, you know I might still just want to have ONS's, who knows, but realistically, I think my view into what I'll eventually want is obscured for now. I'll have to clear some of this blockage. E2, ASC 6G, AOSI v2, I think they can all help - they're just different approaches. (If I know on a belief level that I AM sexy, then there should be any need to force it anymore.)
E: And one more connection was that I noticed I'm also on some level expecting to not fit in, or be accepted by, my new coworkers. I think professionally I'll do well, but this has more to do with that casual (not sexually charged, or otherwise energized) socializing in the office. Traces right back to what I was talking about, me thinks.
Seems if I don't listen as much, I have more time or mental resources to think. Got a good glimpse into what I consider is my #1 problem. I have many angles of thought on it, and they're sort of being coalesced into one. In short, it has to with memories and fears of being very separate from others in a social group; of feeling like an outsider who's not good enough to join the fun and play, laugh and connect with the others.
I was an only child and my father was very closed off emotionally. He spoke very little, and when he did he always seemed angry about having to do it and tried to use as few words as possible. I do understand him somewhat now, though. He had good intentions, but its this.. unfortunately familiar feeling that I guess has something to do with protecting himself. Can't quite decipher it, but I have the attitude towards my mum in some situations. Learned it 1:1 then I guess. Anyway, so there's this other group of children, sort of family, who are my peers in a way (about the same age). But, they are a group of *redacted*, all of them tightly knit with each other and with much more social parents and much more energy to them, it seems. So what usually happened was that they'd play with each other, and I was welcomed and I tried, but I always felt like an outsider on some level and wished I could be more like them. But couldn't, so I felt bad about being the way I was.
At this point I should say that what's really amazed me on some level is that I've had a lot of improvement in how I see myself in relation to these other 'kids' (not kids anymore). I've come from always being the quiet one sitting back and letting everyone else talk, feeling self-conscious and tired, to actually being to center of all conversation for 1-2 hours in groups of, say, 4 people from my extended family. There's still one of us who's extremely loud and gets all attention no matter where he is, so when he's around I still tend to start feeling a little unable to participate and thus self conscious. But its gotten a lot better.
Back to the issue, because of some random events I actually got picked on a lot at school, so I definitely felt like I had to try to stand my ground and be strong against everyone, and still try to do my best in hobbies and such. I've still always thought of myself as kinda strong, confident and even funny deep down, but I've always worried about not having enough energy. So, I knew if I had enough energy I could be 'on', and I'd do just fine. But if I felt I didn't have that energy, then I couldn't apply the force that I needed to be confident, and then I thought there's no choice but to again become this withdrawn, isolated thing that was not part of any group - or that no group would accept as one of their own. So I WANTED to be social, but I NEEDED a lot of energy to be 'on', and if I didn't have it I'd just want to get out of the situation as fast as possible. So of course if I knew, for example, that I was to go out tonight, I'd spend the whole day stressing over if I have enough energy of not in the evening, and of course that worrying always made sure I was out of energy in the evening. So its not surprising that going out was always very inconsistent for me; sometimes it was just awesome and I could talk to anybody, sometimes it was horrible. Every time the thought of going out was stressful. Still is.
I do also think this has implications to why I haven't really been able to relax into any of my relationships. Though I do make connections, and if I can get to sex then the women will almost always want a relationship with me. I'm still in good terms of some of my exes because they're great people - I actually can't even get to sex with 'trashy' or 'bitchy' women, because I don't know how to connect with them enough to do that. But then with the women I keep dating, it tends to get deeper and then I tend to get restless and put the brakes on ever so slightly, which predictably makes them chase it, and that's where I'm usually at at any relationship. Though I am 100x more open now than I used to be; E2 and OGSF 5G especially have been amazing in this regard.
AM6, so far, tends to make me more isolated, but that's never been my problem. I've always felt safe when I'm alone. ASC felt like it was really hitting something important. I think ASC gives me that energy that I'm always craving for (more animating energy in my body), and with that my problems are solved. With energy I feel confident, masculine, strong, driven, great. But ASC 5G did hit a lot of resistance, so I'm eagerly waiting for ASC 6G. In a way I think E2 is just what the doctor ordered.. it basically tries to relax me and get me to be fine with this not-pumped-up state and be fine with 'just' socializing with people 'normally', and like myself even in that situation and all that. But if you read this far, you can probably understand why I'd unconsciously do all I can to avoid that. I've even been doing that consciously for as long as I can remember - that's why I keep drinking coffee! (though not more than 1-2 cups a day anymore)
What else, this is a long post... Well yeah, in line with liking myself a lot when I DO have energy is why I love sex. Especially though sexual energy, because when I'm very turned on I feel very very strong. And if I'm with a girl and were flirting hard, I'll feel the energy, and thus very strong, and thus very good about myself. If its a ONS, or the 1st time, I remember its been all too clear some times when after sex the energy has faded, and then I'm only 1/100 as confident as was just before. And also the whole pick-up thing was suitable for me, since it was about puffing myself up for relatively short interaction where I could maintain this confidence and feel good about myself, but I could also get out before, or shortly after, it went on for too long and I'd start to want to isolate again. If I could get this thing handled, you know I might still just want to have ONS's, who knows, but realistically, I think my view into what I'll eventually want is obscured for now. I'll have to clear some of this blockage. E2, ASC 6G, AOSI v2, I think they can all help - they're just different approaches. (If I know on a belief level that I AM sexy, then there should be any need to force it anymore.)
E: And one more connection was that I noticed I'm also on some level expecting to not fit in, or be accepted by, my new coworkers. I think professionally I'll do well, but this has more to do with that casual (not sexually charged, or otherwise energized) socializing in the office. Traces right back to what I was talking about, me thinks.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.